by Leddy Harper
We got into the car and spent a quiet car ride to the event. Tony’s law firm put this annual event on so we were essentially financing the entire thing. I had no idea how since our finances sucked at the moment. But I was actually excited to go, but mainly because I would see Sean. I looked forward to any time I was able to see him.
Tony had been doing well in his law practice until a few months ago when he had made the decision to take a highly publicized pro bono case. Ever since then, he had seemed to be under more stress and couldn’t hold his temper to save his life. He took it out on me more and more, and it led me to lean on Sean more and more. It was fucked up all the way around, but there wasn’t much I could do about it other than wait for the case to end so I could leave him. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I also knew it would be worse if I left him while the trial was still going on.
We walked into the ritzy hotel and he led me to the ballroom we had always reserved. The place was still adorned with Christmas decorations and I loved the festiveness. This was hands-down my favorite time of year. I couldn’t help but feel excited as we walked into the big ballroom. I couldn’t wait to see Sean. My heart began to beat faster at the anticipation of seeing him again.
I indiscreetly checked my cell phone again, but there was nothing from him. He had said that he would text me when he arrived so I was anxiously waiting to hear from him.
“I need to go say hello to everyone,” Tony said, and it was clear that he was already dismissing me.
I looked up at him in surprise. He wasn’t even going to pretend to be the happy couple tonight. Were we really past that point? If we were, what was with the remorseful attitude at the house before we left? It felt like things were getting worse and worse lately. I nodded and he kissed my cheek, but it was nothing more than an obligatory peck. That’s when I noticed her. Laurie was standing across the room, holding the attention of several gentlemen around her. I guess Tony wanted to get over there quickly to stake his claim. I chuckled to myself at the humorless irony.
I went to the bar and ordered a martini. I didn’t particularly like them, but Tony always drank them so I had gotten used to them. Whenever we went out for dinner or attended work gatherings, he had always gotten me martinis and never even bothered to ask what drink I preferred. It was another thing he told me to like.
I found a table with two seats near the edge of the room. It was the perfect spot for me to sit and wait for Sean to arrive. I couldn’t imagine what was keeping him.
It was close to ten in the evening when I finally turned off my phone and gave up. Sean had probably decided not to come, but I couldn’t understand why he hadn’t told me that. I wasn’t sure what was going on. It wasn’t like he had to be there; he didn’t work for Tony’s law firm. In fact, he wasn’t even a lawyer. But he attended every year since he was close friends with Tony. I couldn’t understand why he hadn’t shown up yet. Part of me started to worry that he had changed his mind about us and wouldn’t come.
Then I looked up and spotted Sean talking to Tony. They were both smiling and laughing. What the hell? Had Sean gone over to the dark side? Ever since we had begun seeing each other, he told me repeatedly how much he couldn’t stand Tony, now he was back in bro-mode. It didn’t make sense. A sickening feeling attacked my insides and I felt as though I would start crying. Tony could’ve hit me all day long, but what Sean had the ability to do was so much worse. He was leaving me with a sense of betrayal that cut through me like a knife. It left me feeling more broken than anything Tony had ever done to me.
I walked up to the bar and ordered gin and tonic. This was more my speed. I drank it fast and quickly ordered another. I was desperate for that soaring feeling to come back, and I could only rely on the alcohol to give it to me. I was desperate for that confidence I had felt just a few minutes prior.
I heard Tony chuckling and Sean join in as I approached them. My shoulders were squared and I had a cool smile across my broken lips. “Hello, gentlemen,” I greeted them with a cocky grin. Thank God for gin. It calmed my exterior, even though I still felt shaky on the inside. But I was confident that no one could notice the shakiness. I was an expert at keeping my true feelings hidden.
Tony looked up at me in surprise. “Char.”
“Hello, Sean. What have you been doing lately? It’s been a while,” I said in a mocking tone, completely ignoring Tony. I was pissed that Sean had ignored my texts all evening, despite making plans to meet me here. Then I find him engaging with the enemy. Sean wanted me to be strong and stick up for myself. Well, buddy… I’m heeding your advice.
“I’ve been around, doing a little of this and that,” he replied with a grin and it made my heart stop. I couldn’t believe the effect he had on me with just a stupid grin, but it affected my soul deeply and I immediately found myself forgiving him.
His eyes spoke the words his mouth couldn’t. They told me, I love you… I miss you. They also told me, you’re breaking my heart. With that, my heart nearly shattered. Was I really doing that to him? Or was that my guilty conscience reading into things that weren’t there?
I loved this man more than anything. I looked at him questionably and tried to figure out where he was coming from and what he was plotting. His amber eyes shifted from mine and he refused to meet my gaze again. I froze in fear.
“I see someone I need to go speak with. Sean, will you take care of Char for a moment?” Tony said and didn’t wait for an answer before running off. I knew he wouldn’t be back. That was his way of ditching me again for the second time this evening.
Once Tony was gone, I searched Sean’s gaze, trying to discover what was happening. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. One that I usually got when things weren’t going to turn out the way I hoped. I knew that feeling well since I had experienced it most of the time since I had met Tony.
My confidence and strong outer appearance seemed to flea with Tony, leaving me nothing but a shell of broken emotions.
“What’s wrong?” I asked Sean, beseeching him to answer me. I found myself suddenly sober, the buzz I was sporting on the way over to see him was now completely gone. I begged for the buzz to come back and numb my feelings.
“Let’s go sit down so that we can talk.” He took my arm gently, but I didn’t miss the somber tone of his voice. It made the hairs on the back of my neck start to raise.
“No,” I said forcefully and grabbed my arm away from his grasp. “I’m not doing this.” My voice rose in anger. “You don’t get to do this.”
“Please, Char. Let’s just talk for a few moments.”
To my surprise, he led me out of the grand ballroom and into the lobby of the hotel. He sat in one of two chairs off to the side and I sat in the other one. But only because I thought I might fall down, my legs were shaking so badly.
“You didn’t text me and you ignored me,” I blurted out, my words full of emotion.
“I know. I’m sorry,” he said and looked down at his hands.
At that moment, I craved his amber eyes so badly I would have done almost anything to get just one glimpse of them. He wouldn’t even look at me, and that hurt. Something had already changed between us. Or something had been changing all along and I just hadn’t wanted to notice it coming so I’d been oblivious in order to protect myself.
“I can’t do this, Char. I can’t do this anymore. I came tonight; I was actually here when you and Tony arrived. I immediately saw the panicky look on your face, masked by the moment of sheer excitement that you felt. That’s when I saw it. The gash on your lip that I can only assume you’ve excused as being clumsy; he had already broken you before you even arrived. I can’t watch you be broken again and again. It’s breaking me. Literally killing me inside to see you like this.”
He looked up at me and I finally saw his eyes. They held such sadness that I immediately wanted to do anything to fix it. “I have a plan, Sean. You know I do. Please don’t do this. Please don’t leave me. Give me two more months. Please!” The desperation w
as severe in my voice. My emotions so raw at the moment that I felt as if I could die.
“Char,” his voice cracked and my sixth sense kicked into gear, and I instantly knew that it was over.
He was ending things between us. Why hadn’t I seen any hints that this was coming? I had known that he wasn’t happy, but this was hitting me like a Mack truck. I had not foreseen it at all. I had thought he would stay with me and support me to the very end.
“Char,” he started again, this time more in control. “I can’t do this. Every time there’s a new cut or bruise, I… I just can’t take it anymore.”
“How?” I asked him in disbelief. How had he seen that across the room? I had hid it so well. He couldn’t have known. “How could you have seen it?”
“I know every single inch of you. I’ve studied every glorious detail that makes you who you are. I know the second something is off. The very second something is wrong. We have a special connection, Char. I lie in bed every night and my only thoughts are of you. Are you okay? Is he abusing you? Are you crying? It kills me that I can’t be there to protect you. I can’t be there with you every second to make sure you’re okay. It’s driving me crazy.”
I stared at him and wondered if I could do anything to sway him. As the thought entered my mind, I instantly knew the answer. I couldn’t. I knew that I loved him so much; if the roles were reversed, I couldn’t do what I was asking him to do. I couldn’t see him go through the abuse that I did. If I loved him, I would have to let him go.
“I’m sorry, Sean. I’m so sorry things can’t be different. I’m so sorry that I can’t leave him now. I want to, more than anything. I want to leave him now and just be with you. But I can’t. You know why. I have to wait. Just give me some more time, please.”
“You’re not listening to me, Char. I can’t. I can’t give you more time because every day that passes, I worry even more about your safety. Every time we talk, I’m scared to death that it will be the last time I hear your voice. Every kiss could be the last we share. Every touch, every word, every time we’re together, I worry that I won’t get another because that bastard will take you from me. So you can’t ask me to give you more time because I don’t know if you even have more time.” He was practically yelling his words at me but there wasn’t anger, only desperation.
Tears fell from my chin and landed on my lap. They were so thick in my eyes that I couldn’t see in front of me. All I could do was listen to his labored breathing and feel the tension that surrounded us. I felt desperate and alone. Tired and broken.
“Just leave with me. Let’s leave right now. No one will know you’ve gone until the party is over. That’ll give us some time to gain a head start. We can go back to your house and grab some things. We can go, Char. Just you and me. I will keep you safe,” he pleaded, but I had heard the plea before. It wasn’t the first time he had begged me to run away with him. It was just the first time his words hit me deep within my soul. I knew if I didn’t agree, things would be over.
I shook my head and wiped my eyes. “No. You know I can’t, Sean. That won’t solve anything. We’ll always be watching our backs. Nothing good would come from that. He won’t give up—”
“So what makes you think that if you wait two months he’ll give up then?” he argued, interrupting me.
“I just have to wait until after the trial.”
He let out a humorless laugh and shook his head. “He plays you so well. He knows exactly what’s going on with you. I can guarantee that he knows you’re planning to leave him and so he’s making it seem like he can’t handle anything right now while the trial is going on. He’s calling the shots, not you. And you’re playing right into it.”
“That’s not true. You are the one scared that he’d wind up killing me. What do you think he would do if I left him right now? Do you honestly think he’ll just let me go? With everything going on?”
“Exactly, Charlotte. With everything going on. You just said it yourself. The media is all over him; do you seriously think he’d risk doing something to you while there are cameras in his face?”
I gave what he was saying some thought, but then came to my own conclusions. “Look at me, Sean. I have a busted lip on the night of his firm’s New Year’s Eve party. There are cameras everywhere here as well. That didn’t stop him. What makes you think it would stop him from doing worse?”
“I can stop him.” He placed his hand over mine. “I can protect you.”
“Then why are you leaving me? Why don’t you want to keep protecting me?”
A tear slipped from the corner of his eye and it tore me apart. It left me feeling more broken than I had ever felt in my entire life. My stomach was turned upside down and I felt nauseous at what was happening. My heart was in my throat, and I could literally feel it, as if I was about to choke on it. My hands were shaking so badly that I probably looked like I was freezing, but I wasn’t. I was fucking devastated.
“I couldn’t live with myself if I knew something happened to you and I couldn’t protect you from it,” he admitted solemnly.
“But you could if you left me and something happened?”
He shook his head and looked away from me. “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself either way… because I can’t live in a world without you. But at least I wouldn’t beat myself up, thinking that there could’ve been a way I could’ve stopped it from happening.”
“I will leave him. One way or another.”
He balled up his fists and shoved them into his eyes, as if desperately trying to stop the tears from coming. “Don’t say that. Not one way or another. Just one way. The way that leaves you breathing in the end. Not the other way.”
“Fine. I will leave him and live to call you.”
He nodded. “I can’t promise that I’ll wait for you.”
“I understand,” I answered, but his declaration shattered my heart. Not wait for me? “But I wish that you would.”
“Who am I kidding? I can’t imagine my life without you in it, Char. I’ll wait for you, but I can’t be a part of your life until then. I can’t sit back and wait for the next terrifying phone call from you because you can’t get yourself off the floor after he’s broken your ribs. I can’t come to you, inspecting you for new marks every time we see each other. And I can’t wait for that phone call, letting me know that you’re gone. I just can’t.” He looked at me with pleading eyes, begging me to understand.
I nodded, “I understand, Sean. But this is tearing my heart out more than anything Tony could do to me. That’s how much I love you.”
“I love you so much, too. That’s why I have to do this.”
I reached out to touch his hand in his lap. He pulled away from me and I felt that last piece of my heart crack. It was as if I actually could hear it shatter in my chest. There was nothing left of me after that. All of the times I had thought Tony had broken me, I was never fully broken until that moment. The moment when the love of my life pulled away from me.
“Please, I need you to just leave. Now, please!”
I shook my head sadly. “I can’t.”
He stood up and I couldn’t help but follow him. I may have looked like a stray puppy, following the man on the street, but I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t ready to let it go. To let Sean go. I couldn’t find it in me to let him walk away.
He stopped and turned to me, facing me with such pain in his eyes. “I love you, Char. Forever and always. I love you.” He hugged me tightly and I didn’t ever want him to let go. I wanted him to hold onto me forever. Forever and always, just as he said.
His arms fell abruptly, ending the hug, leaving me so broken and empty, as he turned around to walk out of the hotel without a backward glance. Just like that, he was gone. I couldn’t do anything but stand there and watch him leave. I watched him leave and walk out of my life. I felt my heart stop beating as I hoped that he wasn’t gone forever. I had to believe we would be together again. That I would be able to free myself from my ab
usive and controlling husband, and find my way back to the love of my life again. It was the only hope I had left in me.
I had tears streaming down my face and didn’t think I would ever get over this ache in my heart, mind, body, and soul. It was everywhere. It consumed me and suffocated me all at once.
I heard the countdown start from behind me. Ten, nine, eight, seven…
Happy fucking New Year, to me!
I was officially alone.
December 25th, 2014
I woke up to kisses on my neck and I immediately thought of Sean. I snuggled closer to the hard body behind me and smiled. But then my breathing stopped and my body stilled. I had never woken up next to Sean, nor had I ever been woken by his kisses. My sleep and happy dream had eluded me.
His lips halted their movements on my neck and I felt his deep sigh against my skin. “Don’t, baby. Don’t freeze up on me. It’s Christmas… you know how much I love Christmas.”
And that was the fucking truth. I had one day each year where I knew I wouldn’t be struck. I wouldn’t be punished for anything, and everything would be okay. For just one day. Christmas. I knew it had something to do with his past, with his childhood, but I never knew exactly what it was. He had given me little glimpses in the past, but nothing big enough to see the full picture. It was always something small like drinking eggnog while opening presents. Playing instrumental Christmas carols in the background. And a pineapple bake dish during lunch. I hated it, but he had insisted I make it every year, so I carefully followed his mom’s recipe and had perfected it over the years. I could only assume it had been because his mom was gone and he wanted to keep a part of her with him over the holidays. I never objected, knowing what it was like to not have your mother around for you anymore.
I tried hard to soften my frigid body enough to calm him, wanting this day to be as perfect as he did. His voice had sounded so sincere as he pleaded for me to relax. He gave me one day a year to be safe… I could give him one day of love. Even if it was forced.