Hindsight

by Leddy Harper

  “You can get next time,” she suggested.

  I nodded sullenly.

  “Let’s not let this ruin our lunch. We hardly ever get to spend time away from the shelter.” Norma was always so kind to me, almost as if she knew what went on at home, even though I had never confided in her about that.

  I led us to the booth against the wall and we sat to wait for our food. I was extremely grateful for Norma’s compassion. At the moment, all I felt like doing was crying. It was as if the world I had known had been swiftly yanked out from underneath me with no example or explanation as to why.

  “Where did your love of animals come from?” I asked her as someone brought our food out on a red plastic tray. I couldn’t believe that I had never asked her that before. We had been around one another, at the shelter, for a while now. How had I never asked her the reasons that had brought her to me.

  “I raised rabbits when I was a child. It was a wonderful experience and helped shape me into the human being I am today. It was a long time before I realized the white rabbits were sold for food rather than the pets I thought of them as. It was a hard realization, but I was never involved in the killing or eating part, so my parents spared me in a way I guess.”

  “Oh my God! I could have never done that. How did you let them go once you fell in love with them?” I asked her, completely amazed by her story.

  “I figured that the life they had with me meant so much more now. It was my job to ensure they had the best life possible before moving on. It was hard at first! I grieved and cried when my mother first told me, but then I turned it into a positive and realized I could make a difference. And in making that difference, I felt good about myself. This is why I’ve continued making a difference in the lives of animals, with the work I do at the shelter.”

  “Wow! That is so inspirational,” I said and realized it sounded corny. I didn’t mean it in that way though. I was being completely honest. For a child to come to that realization was amazing. She must have had an amazing childhood.

  “I had a fucked-up childhood,” she deadpanned.

  It made me snort the water I was sipping all the way up my nose. Then I burst out in painful laughter. My nose had that feeling you get when you accidentally breathe water through your nose when you’re swimming.

  “You didn’t expect that, did you?” She had an admirable glimmer in her eye.

  “No. I can honestly say I didn’t. You like it when you catch me off guard, though.”

  “I do,” she admitted freely. “It’s that shock factor that always entices me.”

  I wasn’t exactly sure how she could joke in the middle of telling me that her childhood was fucked-up, but at least it helped mellow the mood around us. I was surprised she was telling me these things, though.

  “My parents were never there for me. I spent all of my weekends at my grandparents’ house. They were the ones who had the rabbits and helped teach me love and understanding. Thank goodness for them.”

  “I never knew my grandparents and always felt like I missed out for it,” I said reminiscently. “My parents had never really explained what happened to them, it just hadn’t been discussed.” I couldn’t believe how much I opened up with Norma. She just held a quality that made me want to purge all the badness from my life. It was as if she were my guardian angel.

  I had never been lucky enough to have someone like her in my life, but was very thankful that she was in my life now. It was if she were sent to me at a time when I needed her most.

  You know how you meet certain people and they seem unbelievably wonderful? That’s how Norma was to me. I needed her. And part of me thought she needed me, too. She had come into my life when I needed someone just to be there. I didn’t necessarily need someone to talk to at that point, but I did need someone to be around. Norma had filled that role perfectly.

  “What was it like for you growing up?” she asked, catching me off guard.

  I nearly choked on my lunch, not knowing how to answer that question. At least she wasn’t asking about my life with Tony. I don’t think I could’ve come up with an answer that fast that wouldn’t have completely given me away.

  “It was like any other childhood. My dad was a cop; my mom was a substitute teacher, so she was at home most of the time with me. I was an only child and so were my parents. So I didn’t have any cousins.”

  “That sounds lonely,” she pointed out.

  I laughed. “Yeah, it sounds that way, but I had a dog that kept me company.”

  “Ah… so that’s where your love of animals comes from.”

  I nodded and took a sip of my drink. “Yes. That’s where it comes from.”

  “How’s Tony doing with the trial?”

  My eyes opened in shock. She had never asked me about Tony before and I didn’t know where it had come from, but I didn’t want to answer her. Instead, I gave her the generic response. “He’s doing good.”

  “I bet he’s busy a lot.”

  “Yes he is.” Dear God, please make her stop asking about him.

  “And you’re okay with him taking this case?”

  I wanted to be out of there. I wanted to get up and leave without finishing this conversation, but that would only look worse. I tried to calm my expression and just get through her questions. If I had to resort to the “it’s none of your business” line, then I would. I just hoped it wouldn’t come to that.

  I shrugged my shoulders, making it look as if it were no big deal. “I don’t really know anything about law, so he never consults me on his clients. I would be no use to him in that regard. But I do support anything that he does.”

  “So you support letting an abusive man back on the streets? You support a murderer going free, allowed to do it again to someone else?”

  My pulse quickened as my irritation picked up. “Norma, everyone deserves a fair trial. Innocent until proven guilty, remember? Regardless of what the media says. I believe in justice. If he’s truly guilty, then he will serve his time. Bad people walk the streets all the time. Abusive men live life every day in the free world. They can’t lock them all up.”

  She smiled at me. “I know. I just find it interesting to see the opinion of the lawyers’ wives. That’s all. It’s got to be hard on a marriage when they strongly disagree with a case their husband is taking. It’s good to see that you don’t let it affect you. That makes me happy. I can only assume the amount of stress something like that could put on a person, or a marriage.”

  “I do what I can,” I said, wanting the conversation to end. She had no clue how much strain I was under and it was only partly because of the fucking trial.

  “I admire your strength, Charlotte.” She smiled supportively again, patting my hand on the table. “You ready to get back to the animals? I’m sure they’ve missed us; we’ve been gone for a little over an hour.”

  I nodded and stood, following her out the door.

  We walked back to the shelter and I felt noticeably lighter, even though my credit cards had been declined. I should have been upset and crying, but instead, I felt lucky that I had been with Norma, instead of by myself when it had happened.

  I still wasn’t sure if it was a fluke that the cards hadn’t worked or if Tony had them canceled. If that were the case, I knew why Tony had done it. He was pissed at me for trying to leave. It had only been a matter of time before he tried to plot revenge. I knew it was only four days since he left, but part of me felt like it had been a lifetime. I only hoped he stayed gone. I could figure out the money situation on my own; I had already started saving and knew I would be okay.

  When we got to the shelter, I went to visit Fluffy. I had stopped in to see her briefly this morning, but I wanted to spend some time with her before I headed home.

  “Hey, kitty,” I crooned as I walked into the vet’s office where she was currently being held. Fluffy had been brought in a month ago and was immediately identified as a stray. She wouldn’t let anyone near her, hissing and clawing at anyone
that came within two feet of her cage.

  I had immediately begun to work with her. I don’t know what initially drew me to her, maybe it was the fact that she wouldn’t let anyone approach her and I knew it was due to fear. I guess I could identify with her obvious alarm and nervousness. It was something in her eyes that led me to believe she wasn’t evil. I didn’t see any of the evilness I could easily detect in Tony’s eyes. I saw the same thing as when I looked in the mirror, someone who was scared, alone and desperate for someone to understand her feelings.

  There was a connection to Fluffy—and most of the other animals—that I couldn’t explain. They had been abused and that had made them leery of people. I understood that. I was jumpy and had a hard time trusting people, but that didn’t make me a bad person, much like it didn’t make these animals dangerous. They just needed love. And I had love to give them,

  I started working with her slowly, little by little. I would bring extra bacon or sausages from breakfast and give her treats. She began to rub against the door and meow when she saw me. Then I finally opened the door and stuck my hand in. She hid at first and then started to slowly come forward and allow me to pet her. That had been monumental and had taken me nearly two weeks to accomplish.

  Now, I was able to bathe her and the vet gave her all of her shots. She had been declared in excellent health. They were talking about putting her out for adoption and I was sad when the technicians had discussed it. I tried to think of Norma’s story and knew it would be best. I had given her as much as I could for right now. I would never be able to take her home.

  “Hi, Charlotte!” Jane, the veterinary, came in. “Did you hear the news?”

  “What news? Is she okay?” I felt alarmed by her question.

  “Oh, she’s just fine!” Jane came over and started to scratch Fluffy’s head. “She’s going to be a momma.”

  “A momma?” I asked in confusion. How was that even possible?

  “Yup! She’s pregnant. Feel her belly,” she directed and I did.

  I noticed it was firm and did seem larger. “Babies?” I asked.

  “Yup! She’ll probably have them in a few weeks. Next week they’ll start to kick and you’ll be able to feel their little bodies through her fur.”

  “Seriously?” I felt myself get excited at the prospect of kittens. What an amazing thing!

  “Now she’ll have to stay here a little bit longer.” Jane continued to run her hands through her fur and it amazed me how far she had come.

  “I’m kind of glad about that. I was just thinking of how much I would miss her.”

  “Take her home!” Jane exclaimed with a smile.

  I shook my head sadly. “My husband’s allergic.” It’s something I said often and always got me out of having to explain anymore. I thought that explanation was better than stating the truth, my husband’s a dick.

  We finished talking and then I was in my car, heading home.

  I felt myself thinking about Fluffy. It would be so wonderful to take her home. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it would feel like to make my own decisions for once.

  Someday…

  ***

  As I turned onto the main road from my neighborhood, I noticed a black car with its parking lights on sitting just past the main gate into the community. I don’t know why I noticed it, but I did. I’m glad it caught my attention, because it allowed me to notice when it pulled out and began to follow me. There was a small part of me that was scared, a small part. The rest of me knew it was Tony, keeping an eye on me. I was on my way to Sean’s house and knew I had to make a detour before heading there. I needed to lose this car.

  After driving to the local grocery store and circling the parking lot, heading out through the back entrance, I was able to lose him. I felt calmer after that as I made my way to see Sean.

  “You’re late. Everything okay?” he asked as I walked through his front door.

  The aroma of beef stroganoff hit my nose as soon as I was in the warm air of his house. I was still in awe that he always remembered the smallest things about me, like my favorite food, even though I had only told him one time during a silly game of twenty questions. It had been one of the worst nights of my life, yet Sean had made it all better with his easy talk and fun questions.

  My stomach rumbled as if I hadn’t just eaten lunch with Norma earlier that day, taking over my mind and nearly making me forget his question. He knew I was always on time, if not early, and the only time I had been late in the past was when things went to shit with Tony.

  “Detour. Nothing major,” I finally answered nonchalantly, not wanting to cause him to worry. I just wanted to spend a nice evening with the man I loved, eating food I loved, and not concern myself over things I couldn’t yet control.

  He bent down and kissed me. I kept my lips on his, not wanting him to let up. Sean had a way with his lips that seemed to overtake all of my senses. They told me of his feelings for me before he ever admitted them out loud. With Sean, we never needed many words. We could tell each other anything through a gaze, a touch, a kiss. It was as if we had our own secret language. He knew how I was feeling before I even uttered a word. It was the way it had always been since the first day we met.

  “God, I’ve missed you,” he breathed into my mouth. It was as if he were the supplier of air that I needed in order to live. I felt that way when I was around him. The instant we were reunited I never wanted to leave. I had no idea how I survived without him. I felt as if he were part of me.

  I smiled against his lips and pulled back, just a bit. I wanted to see his eyes. I loved watching them brighten with love as he peered down at me. The amber color seemed to come to life. The red flecks lighting up like fire, glowing with unspoken emotion. I had first fallen in love with his expressive eyes. They had lured my soul in quickly.

  “Dinner smells amazing,” I said as I broke the embrace and then followed him into the kitchen.

  “I wouldn’t know. I haven’t smelled you yet,” he teased.

  “That’s dessert,” I kidded back and let out an easy laugh. Being with Sean let me see how things were supposed to be. He made dinner, not all the time, but when he knew I’d be coming over in the evening, he always had dinner ready for me. I helped with setting the table and we’d both sit down to eat together. It didn’t matter how the food was assorted on the plate or what napkins we set out to use. It didn’t matter that there was a pile of dishes to wash in the sink. All that mattered was that we were together. This was how it was meant to be.

  I told him about my day while we ate, and then he told me about his. It seemed so normal, but in my life and with everything I had been through, it wasn’t. I treasured these moments no matter how ordinary they were. He was an accountant, so his daily life wasn’t too exciting. I’m sure mine wasn’t, either, but that didn’t stop us from discussing how our days were. We always seemed to have limitless topics to talk about, no matter how much time we spent together.

  After we finished eating, we’d both clean up the kitchen. He didn’t leave me to do it while he went to another room to talk to another woman. Again, the way things were supposed to be. It left me longing to have that permanently imbedded into my life.

  “I take it Tony is still gone?” he asked, drying the dishes as I handed them to him. He reached out and lightly ran a finger over the yellowed bruise around my right eye. It was his way of remembering the day I had gotten it, and what he had walked in on. We usually didn’t talk about Tony much, which was mainly my decision. I didn’t want to allow him into the relationship Sean and I had. I didn’t want to allow him to taint it in any way. He had already ruined everything else in my life. I didn’t want him to have a chance to ruin this as well.

  I nodded.

  “Have you heard from him at all?”

  “Nope. Not since the day he left,” I answered without looking at him. I just wanted the Tony topic to be over with and I didn’t want to tell him the feelings I was having about being followe
d. It would make him worry even more and he already spent enough time worrying over me.

  “There’s something you’re not telling me, Char. What is it?”

  Damn him and his ability to read me whether I’m looking at him or not. I set the plate in the sink and sighed as I looked over to his worried face. I didn’t want to tell him anything that would worry him. I knew how that conversation would go. A bunch of him lecturing me on leaving, and me failing to convince him that I was. It was an endless cycle that would never end until Tony was out of the picture for good and I could finally be claimed as his for real.

  “I haven’t heard from him but I think he’s having me followed,” I finally admitted.

  “Followed?” he asked with fear in his expression. “What do you mean?”

  “I noticed a car following me on my way here. That’s why I was a little late. I had to detour through the Piggly Wiggly parking lot.” I didn’t want to tell him about the man I had seen watching me. He had shown up before Tony left, and didn’t want to worry him even more. If he knew that, he would never let me leave. Not that I wanted to, but I knew I needed to.

  “How do you know the car was following you? Maybe whoever it was just needed some groceries.”

  I nodded, agreeing with his assumption. It was better that way, if he thought it was a coincidence, he wouldn’t worry needlessly. I quickly went back to the dishes in the sink hoping he would drop the subject of me being followed. It was better to let him go with that theory instead of telling him that the car had been waiting for me outside of the gate to my community, where no one ever parked or stopped their car. He needed peace of mind and I would allow him to have that. One of us needed it.

  Once all of the dishes were clean and put away, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me to him. We were standing in the middle of his kitchen, but neither of us cared. It didn’t matter where we were, we just liked to be entwined with one another. Feeling his chest against mine, having his heart beat with mine, and feeling his lips on my neck were things that would never get old. If I could spend my entire life just like that, I would in a New York minute.