Hindsight

by Leddy Harper

  “We should go get an x-ray,” he declared.

  “I know. Let me wait a couple of days to see if it gets better,” I pleaded.

  He sighed and put another icepack over my face. That one felt decadent and I moaned.

  “Let me make a phone call,” Sean announced and walked out of the room. I could faintly hear him talking to someone. My heart thudded at the possibility of him talking to the police. Then my thoughts went to Tony. What if he were calling and telling him off? But he had promised me and I trusted him.

  I closed my eyes and tried to relax. My face tingled as the ice began to do its work. My face felt better already. But my knee was another story entirely. It was hurting more with the ice on than off. I was gritting my teeth at the pain. That wasn’t good. I felt tears fill my eyes again. Now I wouldn’t be able to get around. How would I be able to cook Tony dinner and manage my chores?

  “I’m back,” I heard Sean say and I immediately opened my one eye not covered in ice.

  “I have a friend who owns his own medical practice. He’s agreed to look at your knee and not report anything. He doesn’t want to do it, but he is going to for me.”

  A million thoughts raced through my head but I couldn’t come up with a good reason not to go, nor another option that was available to me. My only worry was what would happen if Tony found out.

  “Tony won’t know,” he assured me as if reading my thoughts.

  I finally nodded with a sigh.

  He picked me up gently, but it still produced a groan from me when my knee moved. I held the ice in place on my eye as he carried me to his car. He had wrapped the towel around my knee securely, so it stayed in place. The throbbing was getting less and less as the ice magically numbed it.

  “I’m scared,” I admitted after five minutes of silence.

  He reached over and took my hand gently in his. “Don’t be. I wouldn’t take you anywhere that wasn’t safe.”

  “Okay,” I said softly, believing him. I knew he wouldn’t put me in danger. But Tony would freak if he found out I went to the doctor and told someone about the abuse. I just had to make sure Tony didn’t find out about any of what had happened. Not the doctor, and especially not the kiss.

  ***

  We arrived home a few hours later and my knee was in a brace. I was able to get around pretty well because the brace provided support. It still hurt like hell but was a hundred times better than before.

  The doctor had said that my knee had been jarred, but that it hadn’t popped out of place and nothing had been torn. It was just a sprain. Thank goodness! He said after a couple of weeks I would be good as new. He also said that I needed to limit the use of my knee and stay off of it as much as possible. That wasn’t so good. I had been stressed ever since the doctor had recited the instructions I was to follow.

  Tony had texted me earlier that he wasn’t coming home. He was staying with a friend. I knew it wasn’t Sean, so I could only guess who he was staying with. One of his lady friends I supposed.

  “What’s wrong, Char?” Sean asked as he helped me to the couch.

  “I just don’t know how I’m going to be able to stay off my feet. Tony has expectations and won’t take no for an answer.” I remembered a time when he made me prepare his dinner while I crawled through the kitchen, because my head was pounding so hard. He didn’t care how hurt I was. His routine could not be broken.

  “I’ll hire someone for you,” Sean offered.

  “Tony would freak,” I said in horror. He would never agree to that.

  “He doesn’t have to know. She can come from noon to three in the afternoon and prepare dinner, do laundry, and house chores.”

  “I can’t ask you to pay for that.”

  “Just for a week, after that you should be able to get around better.”

  “I feel so trapped. I can’t even get around.” I felt more than sorry for myself. I felt as if I had fallen down a deep hole with nothing to help me get up. How would I get through this?

  On top of that, things between Sean and me had been strained ever since I mauled him like a bitch in heat earlier. We hadn’t brought the subject back up or even acknowledged what happened. Both of us were trying to pretend it didn’t. Except I couldn’t pretend it didn’t. His lips were all I could think about while the doctor poked and prodded my injuries, trying to act oblivious to the fact that I hadn’t really fallen down the stairs.

  “Are you hungry?” Sean asked me, pulling me from my thoughts.

  I looked at him in question, unable to answer him.

  “How about if I order us pizza and we can watch a movie?”

  “You would do that for me?” I asked him in amazement. It shouldn’t have surprised me. I knew he would. But the acts of kindness from others still took me by surprise sometimes.

  “Of course. Nothing would give me greater pleasure, unless you allowed me to take you out of this hellhole.” He was serious, yet trying to sound light. He didn’t fool me; I knew how badly he wanted to save me from my own personal hell.

  “Okay! Pepperoni,” I stated, hoping he would drop the subject of removing me from the hellhole in which I was living. I knew I needed to leave. I felt it in my gut. I just had to come up with a plan first. I didn’t want to just jump and look later. I needed to think things through. This isn’t something I could take lightly.

  He quickly ordered the pizza and then found a romantic comedy for us to watch.

  When the pizza arrived, I paused the movie and looked at him. “Why don’t we eat first, then watch the movie?” I wanted to talk to him more about leaving. Find out what he thought I should do.

  “Sure,” Sean answered questionably. It was obvious that he knew I wanted to talk to him, and I could tell by the way he looked at me that it had worried him. Did he think I wanted to talk about earlier and it scared him? Did he regret the kiss?

  He hummed when he took a gooey bite of pizza. “This hits the spot.”

  I smiled at him, knowing he was trying to change the subject. I allowed it.

  He looked so boyishly handsome at the moment. His brown hair curled away from his face and his expression was contagious. He looked so happy. He looked how I felt every time I was around him. He had changed out of his suit and now adorned a pair of shorts and polo shirt. He was ruggedly handsome, whereas Tony was more pretty-boy handsome. Both of them were striking, but different in so many ways.

  “I want to talk to you…” I kind of left my statement hanging, unsure how to exactly word what I wanted to say.

  “I’m all ears,” he said with a curious grin.

  I had to fight the urge to kiss him again. He was so fucking sexy that I felt my heart skip a beat. How could you want someone so badly? Our friendship had taken a dangerous turn and I was scared. Scared to lose him. I knew if I told him how I felt he would run. He was only there as a friend, helping me through a rough time and I was the one that had taken it too far.

  “I… I need to leave Tony,” I whispered. “I know I need to. It feels like the only thing to do. But I need to come up with a plan, a plan to do it on my own. I don’t want you to swoop in like a white knight and carry me off to the castle. This has to be a decision I make, I plan, and I follow through with.”

  “I understand,” Sean said softly. “But do you understand the danger you’re in?”

  “I do. Thanks to you. You have helped me see that there is more to life then the one I’m living. That I deserve more and should want more. I want to get a place on my own. I need money.”

  “I can loan you whatever—”

  “No,” I interrupted. “I want to do this on my own. I know it’s hard to understand, but I think it will mean more to me if I do it on my own. When I met Tony, I was stuck. My parents had both just been yanked away from me, I had no one.” I sighed and looked down at my hands that I was wringing nervously in my lap. “I feel like I’m at the crossroad again. I can either let you rescue me or live on my own and do things slowly, the way they should’ve
been done with Tony in the first place.”

  “I’m not trying to rescue you,” he argued. “I just want you to be safe.”

  “I know you do.”

  “Wow! Can I just say how glad I am? I really am. Whether you take my help or not, just knowing you are going to be free from his is the only thing I care about.” He stopped and cleared his throat. “I’ve grown to care about you so much. So much… Our relationship is so much more than what you and Tony had in the beginning.”

  “I know,” I admitted. “But how do you know that? How do you know what kind of relationship Tony and I had? You didn’t find out until recently what has been going on here behind closed doors.”

  “I was Tony’s best friend, remember? His best friend and confidant.”

  “He talked about me to you?” I asked him, astonished. I had thought our relationship had been private. He hadn’t ever spoken to me about Sean. Sean had shown up at our wedding to be Tony’s best man, for a few dinners or events, and that was it until recently. He was always the friend I knew of but never knew until not too long ago when he started coming around more often.

  “Oh, yeah.” Sean blushed.

  “What did he say?” I pressed him.

  “I can’t tell you,” he said and took my hand. “Please, don’t push. It would devastate you. Suffice it to say, he had me convinced that you were an entirely different person from what I have found you to be.”

  I nodded and forced myself to let it go. He was right, it was better that way. I’m sure I could imagine what Tony had told him. None of it was probably very nice and I’m sure completely inaccurate.

  “Why were you such good friends with him then?”

  “Well, I didn’t know that he was lying. It wasn’t until I was able to get to know you for myself that I realized he had portrayed you all wrong. Tony used to be so different. When we were in college, we did the normal things college guys do. We drank too much, fucked around, and lived in a pigsty. Tony was the most loyal guy I had ever met. Everyone knew it. I was considered lucky to be his friend. I don’t know what happened to him when he married you. It was almost like a light switch clicked and he became a different person. Then when he took that case a month ago, I no longer recognized him. That’s when I decided to start coming around. I knew something wasn’t right. I wanted to keep an eye on him, not realizing it was you that I needed to keep an eye on.

  “Tony had a fucked up childhood. He was always fascinated with mine. He couldn’t believe that my parents got along or that my father didn’t beat my mother. He never knew his father, he was astonished by the love that my father showed me. Tony was neglected. His stepfather was a sadist, his mother a willing victim. Don’t become what his mother did; don’t allow Tony to do this to you.”

  Sean grabbed me into a bear hug and I let him hold me. It felt so good I didn’t ever want him to let go. I wanted it to last forever and never end. I felt safe there, like I belonged there. It was my own private secret that I couldn’t ever share with anyone.

  “Please, Charlotte. I beg you to leave now. Leave now before he kills you, like his stepfather killed his mother.”

  I sucked in my breath, sure I had heard him wrong. “He killed her?”

  “Yes. It was horrible. Tony never recovered from it. It happened just before he met you and he had blamed himself for the longest time. He kept saying if he had been there, if he hadn’t gone away to school and left the house then she would have never died. He adored her and never forgave himself for leaving in the first place. That’s how I feel about you. I would never recover if something happened to you. Something that could’ve been prevented.”

  “I don’t understand. Why would he do these things to me?”

  “I noticed the change in him when one day he told me that he was glad his mom was gone. I had asked him what he meant by that and he told me that he realized his stepdad would have never stopped what he was doing. He had said that the only way the violence would have stopped was if one of them died, and he knew that his mother would have never survived being alone after the things he had done to her, so he was glad she was gone. It didn’t make any sense to me at first, but now knowing what he’s been doing to you, it’s all so clear. You need to get out, Char! I mean it. You need to get away from him before he ends up doing to you what his stepdad did to his mom.”

  “I will. I just can’t right now. Please! Try to understand. I know the bleak outcome if I don’t. I am fully aware of what can and will happen to me. But I am also aware of what will definitely happen if I don’t plan. Just please, try to let me handle this on my own. Try to let me figure it out.”

  He finally nodded, even though I could tell it killed him to do so. “I’ll try.”

  I couldn’t help myself as he held me close, I tipped my head up and kissed him on the lips. I kissed him as if it were my last night on earth and his lips were the last thing I wanted to taste. I gave him everything, completely submitting to the desire that had been tempting me the entire day. I couldn’t stop it any longer. I pulled away, suddenly panicky. Not sure what he would do in return. What if he left and never looked back?

  “Char…” It almost sounded like a warning and it scared me.

  I instantly longed for the security of his arms again. I wanted to physically feel his body against mine, in every way possible. But his reaction scared me. I didn’t want to lose him. I wouldn’t be able to bear it if I lost him after finally finding him.

  I leaned in and buried my head in his chest again. His arms came around me and held me to him, protecting me from myself and the feelings I had no right to feel.

  “Just stay with me, please. Let’s just watch the movie,” I pleaded into his shirt.

  He nodded and my worry began to ease slightly, erasing all other thoughts from my head. I only thought of Sean and the next couple of hours we would spend together, curled up on the couch while watching a romantic comedy.

  I already knew that it would be the best hours of my life.

  October 9th, 2014

  “Tony, I don’t understand why you can’t leave my keys here,” I said forcefully. I was pissed. Tony had taken my car keys to work with him all this week and had refused to give me a reason. I knew why he was doing it and I was done. He needed to let this go. It wasn’t my fault that the man had flirted with me in the restaurant we were dining at last week. But there I was being punished for it regardless of whose fault it was.

  “You’re a fucking bitch who doesn’t know her place. Do I need to remind you again?” he yelled with such force that I felt the air on my face.

  We were standing in the foyer of our home and he was getting ready to leave for work. He had become involved in a new trial that was all over the news a couple weeks ago and had been stressed and unrelenting ever since. He had become more hardheaded and short tempered than ever. I was done! I couldn’t do it anymore.

  “I need my car to run errands. I need to pick up your dry cleaning, go to the grocery store; I need my car to get around.”

  “I’ll send Laurie to get my dry cleaning. Give me a list and I’ll have her do the shopping, too. I’m not letting you go to the store where guys can flirt with you and fuck you.”

  “Fuck me in the grocery store? Are you completely mad?” I was incensed! He was going to have his paralegal, who was merely a glorified assistant, run his errands for him—my errands. Her brain couldn’t be bigger than a pea. I was sure of it. I was also pretty sure that he was probably fucking her. I had just discovered that Tony was having affairs, quite a few of them, actually. I just didn’t know who yet. I didn’t even know if I cared anymore. Things had just gotten so bad that I no longer cared what he did as along as he wasn’t taking it out on me.

  “I almost did!” he scoffed. We had met in a grocery store, but never did anything inappropriate. This man was certifiably crazy. “We’re going out for dinner tonight and I’ve asked Laurie and Sean to join us. I thought it might be fun for Sean to actually meet someone he’s compa
tible with.”

  I guess they weren’t fucking if he was hooking his best friend up with Laurie. Why did that bother me? Sean and I were becoming closer and I was surprised by the jealousy I felt at the mention of him being set up.

  “Have a nice day!” he said and left in a huff.

  So much for me being able to have my car. I was pissed! Tony could not continue to keep me prisoner here. I hadn’t been able to visit the shelter in five days. Enough was enough.

  I got my phone out and dialed Norma’s phone number. We hardly saw each other outside of the shelter, but had become friends and exchanged numbers. I thought she might be able to pick me up on her way in.

  “Hi, Norma,” I said into the phone. “This is Charlotte. Do you think you can swing by and pick me up on the way into the shelter this morning?”

  “Of course, dear. Just give me your address.”

  I rattled off my address and she said she’d be there in twenty minutes.

  I quickly got ready and before I knew it, I heard the doorbell ringing. I quickly ran down to answer the door and greeted Norma with a hug.

  “This is some house,” she said in awe.

  “It’s okay. You get used to it. It’s nothing like I grew up in.” I surprised myself with how candid I was. I didn’t usually divulge personal details to anyone. Norma just had a way of making me feel relaxed around her.

  “Let’s get going,” she said and walked out the door.

  I chuckled. I loved her abruptness. She was forever entertaining me.

  We chatted the entire way about the different animals we were currently caring for. I loved going to the shelter. It provided me joy and a reason to live. I had nothing else.

  “How long are you planning to be here?” I asked her. I quickly realized that I should have asked her before accepting a ride with her. She might plan to spend the entire day there. She did that often.

  “I can drive you home whenever you need to leave. Don’t you worry. I was planning to leave around noon.”