Hindsight

by Leddy Harper

  I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to defend myself, beg him to listen to me. But I was frozen in fear. I didn’t even know who he was talking about. I hadn’t flirted with anyone, let alone eye-fucked someone. He had torn down my confidence so much over the years that I would have never even thought about doing those things. I already knew that no man would ever want to touch me with a ten-foot pole. Not to mention, he may have thought I was stupid, but I was smart enough to know not to ever do those things in front of him.

  He looked at me and sneered. “Take your clothes off.”

  I stood there and just stared at him. I didn’t want to be naked in front of him. Then I would be even more vulnerable.

  When I didn’t budge, he screamed again, “I said, take your fucking clothes off!”

  I jumped, immediately obeying him, not wanting to defy him any more than I already had. I started unbuttoning my blouse without thinking. I shut my mind down to try to make this easier, but nothing would. His hand was outstretched in front of me, waiting for me to hand over my clothes. I was petrified for what would come next. I could handle his fists—most of the time—but the one thing I couldn’t handle was him forcing himself on me when he was angry. I prayed and prayed that wasn’t what he had planned for me.

  He didn’t stop until I had completely removed every stitch of clothing I had on, including my underwear and bra, and handed all the items all over to him. Without my clothing, I felt more than just naked on the outside. My soul felt stripped bare as well. He moved me to the back patio, pushing me forward in small shoves until I was finally outside.

  I turned to look at him, worried of his plans. He had a sadistic smile on his face as he said, “You want people to look at you? There you go. I’m heading out to let off some steam. You enjoy your night basking in the attention you so obviously crave.” And with that, he closed the sliding glass door and I heard the lock engage.

  I began to beat on the glass, begging him to let me back in. I was standing on the back patio, bare for all the neighbors to see. It was what Tony wanted—for me to be humiliated. And that’s exactly what I was. I was mortified. I curled my body into a small ball, crying in the corner, hoping and praying no one would see me.

  I have no clue how long I was out there before I heard footsteps in the grass. I shrunk away, trying to disappear in the corner I had found solace in, pulling myself in as much as I could to keep from being seen. I tried to cover myself with my hair, hoping it would provide me some warmth.

  A dark figure came around the corner and my heart was in my throat. I knew it wasn’t Tony, I could tell that much by the way he was walking, but I didn’t have a clue as to who it was.

  I watched him move to the window, not far from where I was hiding, and cup his hands around his eyes, looking inside. I heard him whisper to himself, saying my name and then begging to God that I was okay. That’s when I knew who it was.

  I didn’t even have to call out his name, he turned his head and noticed me, stark naked, wrapped into myself with my knees covering my chest and my feet covering my most sacred parts. My hair covered me somewhat like a shawl but I was still shivering against the chill in the air. He came rushing to me, falling to his knees next to me.

  “Don’t come any closer, please Sean. You can’t see me like this,” I begged.

  “Are you naked?” he whispered and his eyes continued to search my body, never looking away.

  “He took my clothes and locked me out. Please, don’t look at me.” I was mortified that he was seeing me this way. I couldn’t remember a time when I had felt more embarrassed. Most of the time when Tony embarrassed me, it was in front of people I didn’t know. But this was Sean. He mattered to me.

  Without another word, he jumped up and ran. I began to cry even harder. His absence and quick exit only solidified Tony’s words in my head. It was true—no man would even want to come close to me. I buried my head into my knees, pulling them as close to my body as I could, and cried. I wept like a child. That’s what I felt like at that moment, a lonely, defenseless, unlovable child. My body shook from the sobs I could no longer control and from the cold I was defenseless against.

  Warmth enveloped me and caused my cries to become stuck in my throat. I looked up and noticed Sean was back, this time with a blanket that he was wrapping around my shoulders.

  “Why did you come here? I mean, how did you know to come?” I asked.

  I heard him sigh before saying, “Tony called. He didn’t tell me anything other than he had to leave the house to blow off steam. I asked what happened and all he said was that you had disrespected him and he needed to be away from you for a little while.”

  I fidgeted with my hands, unable to find a single word to say to him. He knew I was alone, he knew Tony was mad, and he came. I didn’t have to call him. I didn’t have to seek him out. He came all on his own. What did that mean?

  “What’s going on, Char? Talk to me,” he pleaded as he ran his hands up and down my arms through the blanket, trying to warm me up.

  With my teeth chattering, I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about it. I had told him enough the last time we had talked. I didn’t want him to see the things Tony did to me. Knowing was one thing, but to witness it with his own eyes was something else. I just wanted to pretend that this hadn’t happened.

  “You can’t be here. If he comes home and finds you here, he’s going to flip out. Please, you have to go.” I knew he couldn’t see my eyes in the dark, but if he had, he’d see the desperation in them.

  He stood up and walked away. It made me sad and I wasn’t sure why. I had begged him to go, he needed to go, but actually watching him walk away and leave me broke me in ways I didn’t think I was capable of breaking. I needed him, and that was the first time I realized it. We had just started to grow close and I never imagined how much I needed someone until that exact moment in time, when I watched him walk away from me like that.

  I could hear the engine of his car start and then watched as his lights bounced off the backs of the houses around me. He was gone. Just like that. I asked him to leave, sure, but that was for our protection. However, I needed him there with me until Tony came back home, for my protection. My mind was so fucked up trying to figure out how those two things could possibly be true at the same time. How could I possibly be upset that he left after I had asked him to? And how could I have wanted him there, knowing what would happen if we were caught?

  Tony would see it as something it wasn’t. He would see me there, naked, and his best friend comforting me. Sean wasn’t attracted to me, I knew that much to be true, so I knew nothing would have happened between the two of us despite my growing attraction to him. But Tony wouldn’t see it that way. Regardless that it was his idea to leave me outside without a single piece of clothing, he would think something was going on between Sean and me. Just as had he thought there was something going on back at the restaurant with the nameless and faceless waiter. I had spent most of the evening trying to figure out who it was and still couldn’t.

  Out of the darkness, Sean came running back to me, this time, from the back yard. He slowed his pace once he got the patio and then sat next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me into his side.

  “Where did you go?” It was the only question I had. My voice croaked from the cold and all the tears I had shed.

  “I moved my car. Now he won’t know I’m here when he comes home. I’ll just take off when he gets here. I’m not leaving you out here alone.” His words were full of concern and care. “Now tell me, why are you out here?”

  “Tony wanted me to learn that I’m unattractive and that no one wants me.”

  Sean laughed. “And he thinks leaving you outside in the cold, naked, is the way to do that? Doesn’t he know that the cold causes nipples to get hard? And there’s nothing sexier than a set of rock hard nipples.”

  I felt my body grow even stiffer next to him, hearing him say those words.

  “I think
he knows just how gorgeous you are and is scared another man will swoop in and steal you from him. I know if you were mine, I’d worry about the same thing. However, if you were mine, I’d make sure I treated you like a queen so that you would have no reason to want to be stolen. Don’t you realize that the only reason he breaks you down is so that you will feel trapped? He has you exactly where he wants you.”

  I knew he was only saying those things to make me feel better. There was no way he really believed that. He may have just recently learned of his best friend’s behavior toward me, but that didn’t change the fact that they were best friends, and I was nothing other than Tony’s wife.

  Whatever his motives were for telling me such kind words, they did help make me feel slightly better. Lie or not, it was nice to hear that you’re not as ugly as you’ve been told.

  “You don’t have to say those things to me, Sean.”

  “I know,” was all he said before leaning his cheek on the top of my head, pulling me closer so that my head was resting on his shoulder. “What’s your favorite color?” he asked. When I laughed, he continued, “Let’s just talk about anything other than the fact that your husband locked you outside naked, and I’m sitting next to you.”

  I pulled my head away and looked at him. “Are you uncomfortable sitting next to me knowing I’m naked under this blanket?” I was so scared that I had made him uncomfortable, that was the only reason I had asked that question. I really didn’t want to know the answer, but I also didn’t want him to be uncomfortable.

  He looked away. “Yeah, I am. But not in the way you think.” He paused, shifting in his position on the concrete next to me. “What’s your favorite color?” he asked again. I could hear the smile in his tone.

  I put my head back on his shoulder so we wouldn’t have to look at one another. It was awkward enough without having to see the other’s face in the dim moonlight. “Purple. But the really light purple, lilac I guess you’d call it. Where did you get this blanket?” I asked my own question.

  “Target,” he said with a laugh. “Bought it today and never made it home to take it inside. Guess it was meant to be, huh? What’s your favorite food?”

  I guess we were going to play the twenty questions game. It was fine with me. I would do almost anything to take my mind off of my current situation. “Stroganoff. What’s your favorite song?”

  And that’s what we did for what seemed like hours, asking each other any question we could think of. Once we ran out of favorites, we started asking random questions that made us laugh. He asked me if it freaked me out when people’s second toe was longer than the big toe, and I asked him if he’d scream like a girl if he woke up with a spider on his chest. He told me the only spider he wouldn’t scream at was me. I looked at him oddly and then he laughed, making a joke about Charlotte’s Web.

  I wasn’t sure how long we sat out there together, laughing and talking before the lights ran along the back yard. That was his cue to leave, knowing Tony had pulled up. He said he wanted to stay to make sure I was okay, but I demanded he leave. Not taking no for an answer. He couldn’t stay. If he did and Tony saw him, it would make things much worse for me. He agreed and stood up.

  I removed the blanket from my body and handed it to him, telling him that I couldn’t explain to Tony where I had gotten a blanket from. He took it from my hand and looked at me one last time. I couldn’t tell what he was looking at, but I was sure the goose bumps that littered my body hadn’t been from the cold air.

  Before the front door opened and slammed closed, Sean was gone into the night, covered by darkness. The only thing that stole the smile from my face was knowing Tony was on his way out to get me.

  At least, I hoped he was coming to get me. As much as I didn’t want to deal with him, I knew I wouldn’t survive in the cold night alone until morning.

  The temperature was dropping every minute. At least that’s what it felt like.

  After Sean took the security of the blanket with him, it took a matter of seconds before I was back to freezing my ass off. How in the world could your nose become numb so quickly? It wasn’t just my nose. All of my appendages were beginning to freeze. I couldn’t even feel my fingers and toes any longer. It didn’t take long before I started to believe that Tony was going to leave me outside all night. I would have given anything at that moment to have the blanket back from Sean. I was so cold, my teeth were chattering and my body was shaking uncontrollably.

  I had no way of telling how long I had been outside in the cold but it felt like hours. I couldn’t remember a time in my life where I had been so cold on the outside.

  My heart felt different, though. My heart felt like it had life flittering around inside of it for the first time in years. To take my mind off the cold, I replayed the conversations I had with Sean over the last few hours. I was stunned to come to the realization that I had experienced joy from our conversation. Reliving his antics when I gave certain responses to questions he asked immediately brought a smile to my lips. When was the last time I had experienced joy like that? At the animal shelter I did. But that was different. This occurrence had my heart acting differently. I felt something that I had been yearning for and needing for years. I felt that someone actually cared for me. Not only cared for me but worried about me. When was the last time someone had worried about me? It had probably been my mom, which had been years ago.

  Tony never actually cared about me. I thought he had in the beginning of our relationship, but that was all a ruse. An act to reel me in. You didn’t treat someone the way he treated me if you loved them.

  I felt tears prick my eyes, but the tears didn’t form because of the violent shaking my body was enduring from the cold. For the first time, I felt like I had something to live for, like I deserved more. For the first time in my life, I planned to leave Tony. I had wanted to before, numerous times, yet I never felt that I could. The fear was always too great; I never had anyone in my corner, no one to fight with me, encourage me, or make me feel like I could do it. I was always stuck, but not anymore.

  I was in the middle of summoning up a plan for spending a dreadfully cold night outside when I heard the lock click on the sliding glass door. I looked up and met Tony’s menacing eyes, but the blackness had dulled and some of the anger was gone from them.

  He stepped back and stood there, as if he were lying in wait for me. I went through all the different possible scenarios that this situation could produce, trying to guess the trickery he had planned for me. I was surer than ever that his main purpose in life was to torture me. Well, I was done. I was going to come up with a plan and leave him. Would Sean help me? I didn’t even need to ask myself that; I knew the answer. He would help me… He would save me.

  I finally worked up the courage to open the fucking door. I squared my shaking shoulders and tried to open the door. I was devastated to learn that my fingers wouldn’t work. They were too numb to grasp the handle and pull. I half-sobbed as I tried over and over again to open the door. Tony stood there with a wicked grin on his face while he enjoyed the show I provided.

  I realized that if I put my hand on the glass I could almost gain enough friction to slide it open. I was fully cognoscente that my hand was causing prints on the perfectly cleaned glass, and that had to be causing Tony minor angst. I had passed the point of caring about what he thought. My only purpose was to get back inside. I wanted to wipe that obnoxious smile off his face so badly. I was surprised at my drive to fight back. I hadn’t felt that way for a while. I had just acquiesced to Tony’s torturous ways, feeling as if I somehow deserved it.

  I put my shoulder on the glass and grunted as I was finally able to open the sliding glass door. I looked up as I entered the home I hadn’t been allowed to enter for hours and saw the disappointment in Tony’s face. He liked it when I suffered long and good. He was probably sorry this little show was over.

  I stood in front of him, shaking so badly that every part of me rattled.

  “Look
at you!” Tony seethed. “You disgust me. You didn’t even try to cover up while you were out there. You just sat there naked for the world to see. That just proves what a whore you are. You’re worse than a whore because you don’t even charge for it. You give it away freely.”

  I stared at him and saw his lips moving but his words didn’t penetrate my soul any longer. I had experienced a revelation while sitting outside with Sean. I had realized that I deserved better. I didn’t deserve to be abused by this monster in front of me. So instead of listening to his words, I summoned up the words that Sean had so kindly said to me. How I was beautiful and didn’t deserve this. How I was a human being and smart. I was kind. I was worthy.

  “Are you listening to me, cunt?” Tony yelled.

  I heard that because his tone had changed. I knew a strike was coming. I braced myself for it, but it never came.

  His phone started ringing. He looked at it and then said to me, “You disgust me. Put some clothes on before I vomit.”

  I started for the stairs as he walked toward his office. I had a hard time climbing the stairs because my legs were so wobbly. I found myself crawling up them instead. As I crawled up the stairs, one step at a time, a switch that had been dormant for years turned back on inside of me.

  I became angry.

  September 24, 2014

  I was trying, unsuccessfully I might add, to make dinner for this evening. Tony had called and notified me that Sean was coming over and joining us for dinner. I found this odd because he never came over to the house. I could count the number of times I had seen him this year on one hand.

  I was having a hard time cooking dinner because my arm was killing me. Tony had gotten angry the night before and had practically ripped it out of its socket. To make matters worse, it was my right arm, which was the arm I used to do everything. My daily tasks had suffered and for that, I would pay dearly.