Hindsight

by Leddy Harper

  I checked the chicken I was baking in the oven and set the timer for ten more minutes. I had already suffered through setting the table and it had been agonizing. The weight of the china plates had been excruciating so I found that I had to carry them one at a time to the table.

  At least I had an infinite supply of that. Time. It was something I was endlessly haunted by. It was something that never ended, no matter how much I wished it would. Time in my life was used for torment and cruelty, which was administered by the hand of my husband. The person I had dreamed of marrying my entire life was who Tony portrayed during our courtship. His love for me had been so convincing, had felt so real, that I had fallen for it blindly.

  By the time I had figured out who Tony really was, it had been too late. I had nothing to aid me in escape and no one to depend on. I was trapped. Tony was a high-powered, well-known attorney whom everyone loved and respected. No one would believe me—a young, inexperienced, naïve woman—over him.

  I had given myself over to my life and had even grown accustomed to his mistreatment of me. It was just the life that had been given to me and I had stupidly taken it.

  I jumped when the timer went off, signaling that the chicken was ready. I quickly turned the oven to warm until I was ready to serve it and jumped into gear to finish the final preparations of the meal.

  I heard the front door slam and knew by the force alone that Tony was home. Sean should be arriving in a few minutes. I rushed to get things ready so that everything would be perfect the way Tony liked.

  “Is dinner ready?” Tony asked as he entered the kitchen. I had gotten used to greetings of that kind. The days of hellos and pleasantries were far behind us now.

  “Almost.” I found it was better to offer short and concise answers. They didn’t seem to piss him off as much.

  I heard the doorbell and Tony immediately grinned as he went to answer it. It made me jealous in a way. I could never evoke that kind of emotion from Tony. No matter what I did, it was always wrong and I never seemed to have the ability to make him happy. Especially since, he had taken this new case just a week ago. It was as if he had become a completely different person entirely. He had gone from bad to so much worse.

  I heard the two men laughing and wished with all of my heart that their jovial mood was contagious. I wanted to enjoy life the way Tony seemed to. I wanted more. I was growing so tired of this life that had been thrust upon me; it turned out far different than I could have ever dreamed.

  The pain in my arm seemed desperate for attention with all the pounding it was doing. I didn’t know if I would be able to fake my way through dinner. I quickly took the over-the-counter pain reliever from the cupboard and popped four tablets into my mouth, chasing it with the glass of wine I had poured for myself. I was taking double the dose, but I didn’t care.

  I came out into the dining room with a smile plastered on my face. I already knew what was expected of me in front of guests. I just had to wait for Tony’s lead to see what role we would be playing this evening. The happy couple? The couple in love? The friendly but not overly lovey dovey couple?

  “Can I offer you a drink?” I asked Sean after the usual pleasantries were exchanged.

  “Tony already took care of me. Thanks! How are you, Char?” His eyes were so kind and his words were so genuine that I was stunned for a moment.

  “I’m fine. Thank you.” I stuck with the normal customary response. Safe. That would keep me safe from Tony’s wrath once Sean departed.

  I went back to the kitchen while Sean and Tony remained in the dining room. I gathered the salad bowl and brought it out to the table, trying not to wince when I set each side dish down, one by one. When I took the chicken out of the oven I almost dropped it and was surprised when arms came from behind me and caught it midflight.

  “Thank you,” I whispered and turned to meet amber pools. Sean was undoubtedly attractive. He probably had many women swooning at his feet, especially if he were a friend of Tony’s. I knew that Tony cheated on me and couldn’t ever imagine him having a monogamous relationship. If the old adage that the company you keep is a reflection on you, then Sean must have the same mentality that Tony did toward women. Although, I had a hard time believing that. I didn’t know him well, but he seemed like a genuine person. Made me wonder how they could even be friends to begin with.

  “Are you okay?” Sean asked in a quiet tone that stunned me. He didn’t want Tony to hear what he was saying.

  “Yes, I’m fine.” I brushed my shaky hands on my apron. My heart was thudding in terror at the near mishap I had just dodged. Tony would have been raving mad if I had dropped his dinner.

  “Your arm… what’s wrong with your arm?” Sean asked the question and looked at me with kind eyes. The genuine kindness I saw in his eyes almost brought tears to mine.

  “I… ah… I hurt it earlier and it’s still paining me. I’ll be fine.” I dismissed his concern and busied myself with transferring the chicken to the serving platter.

  “Can I carry this for you to the table?”

  “No!” I said forcefully. Tony would freak if I allowed our guest to help me in the kitchen. “Please. Go and sit down. I’ve got this covered.” I gave him a shy smile, hoping it would ease his mind and make him obey.

  He looked at me with a confused stare and stood in place.

  “Please,” I begged him and looked at him with pleading eyes.

  He finally turned around and did as I asked, to my imminent relief. Sean had no idea what havoc he could unfold against me once he left if he didn’t follow the house rules.

  I took a deep breath and carried the platter of chicken out while ensuring that most of the weight was bared with my left arm. I set the platter down shakily, but it didn’t spill. I let out the breath I was holding and smiled while I took my seat. I was elated that I had successfully accomplished all that I had this evening. It was almost over.

  “What do you do all day in this big house alone, Charlotte?” Sean asked with a smile. “Don’t you get lonely?”

  “No, I don’t.” I didn’t even look at him as I served Tony and then myself.

  He looked at me in surprise. He had meant it as a question that you ask someone in order to get to know one better. However, he would never know me. Tony wouldn’t allow it. Besides, I didn’t have any hobbies or things to keep me busy. At least none that I could share with Tony’s best friend, least of all in front of Tony.

  “So, what’s this news I hear of you landing the biggest case of the decade?” Sean changed the subject, sensing the tension in the air.

  “It was an unexpected acquisition that dropped in my lap. I can’t believe that I landed it. This is going to make my career.”

  “I cannot believe that you got hooked into this. Are you sure it’s the right career move? You know the people this guy was affiliated with aren’t the best people to associate with.”

  Sean’s comments piqued my interest. I knew very little of the case Tony had recently acquired. Of course, I knew what Tony had told me, but he hadn’t told me everything. I wasn’t stupid, even though he claimed that I was. I knew there had to be an underlying reason for Tony suddenly taking on this case. Not only had he taken it on, but he was doing it for free. Tony never did anything for free, at least he hadn’t since we had been together.

  “I’m just lucky, I guess,” Tony beamed proudly. He wasn’t divulging the specifics to Sean, either. That must mean it was bad if he couldn’t trust his best friend. Maybe he would confide in Sean later when I wasn’t around.

  “That you are!” Sean agreed. He raised his wine glass and toasted, “To your continued success!”

  We all repeated the toast as the glasses clanked together, but no matter how much I tried, I could not fake my happiness or excitement. This case felt like it was an impending doom rather than the case that would make his career. I couldn’t help but feel like it was the case that would break him instead.

  We continued to chat—well, mostly
Tony and Sean did while I stuck to myself. I couldn’t help it. I was in complete misery. I was starting to wonder if my arm or shoulder had been irreparably damaged.

  As we were finishing our dinner, Tony held up his cell phone and said, “I have to take this. Will you excuse me?” He looked at Sean while completely ignoring me.

  Sean nodded and said, “Of course!”

  I got up and began to clear the dishes and accidently reached for Sean’s plate with my right arm. I cried out in pain as I dropped his plate to the table with a clatter. I felt tears come to my eyes and anxiously looked toward the path that Tony had taken seconds before. Thankfully, he didn’t appear and I let out a sigh of relief as I dashed the tears away.

  I realized my mistake too late. I had completely let my guard down and Sean had taken in everything. I could tell by the complete horror in his expression. I had let the drama unfold right in front of him and had carelessly given everything away.

  “What the hell is going on, Charlotte?” Sean asked me gruffly.

  “I forgot about my arm, is all,” I said as if it were an afterthought and nothing more. I continued to collect the dishes and take them one by one into the kitchen, holding my right arm against my body in an attempt to lessen the pain that was radiating through my body.

  I was on my third trip when Sean got up and started to help me. “Please,” I said quietly and put my hand on his arm. “Don’t help me. Let me do it. You’re the guest here; you shouldn’t be helping with the cleanup.”

  He adamantly shook his head and smiled at me. My heart began to pound when my eyes met his. I saw compassion and sympathy. It almost did me in. I was used to the looks of pity from people, but I had never been looked at the way Sean had looked at me. It wasn’t pity; it was concern.

  I began to tidy the kitchen as Sean helped me clear the table. I couldn’t help but try to come up with a plan to explain to Tony as to why Sean was helping me. He wouldn’t like this. The thought of Tony’s reaction to this was enough to bring my nerves to the edge.

  “Charlotte,” Sean said quietly and I jumped about a foot. I was so anxious about Tony returning that I had been completely lost in thought.

  The heavy footsteps coming from down the hall sent my heart racing in my chest, leaving me with complete fear running through me. I looked at Sean and shook my head in small, vigorous shakes, letting him know to drop it.

  He turned around just as Tony was walking back into the room. Tony gave him a sideways glance and then looked to me, silently questioning why his friend—our guest—was in the kitchen with me.

  “I was just thanking Char for a great meal,” Sean explained, much to my relief.

  Tony nodded and then said, “Something came up. I hate to cut the meal short, but I really have to take care of this. I should only be a couple of hours at the most; did you want me to call you when I’m done?” he asked Sean, completely ignoring the fact that I was still standing in the same room.

  Sean plastered a smile on his face. “Nah, that’s okay. All of this good food has made me tired. I was just about to head to the bathroom real fast, though. Do I still have time for that before you take off?”

  “Oh, of course. I’m just going to head out. Give me a call the next time the guys are having a poker night. I need the time with the boys,” he said with a nudge to Sean’s arm and then turned to me. “I’ll see you later.”

  Sean headed down the hall to the bathroom and Tony walked out. My mind was reeling with questions, trying to figure out what was going on. I had never been in the house alone with a guest before. I tried to keep myself busy in the kitchen as I waited for Sean to come out of the bathroom and leave. I desperately needed the peace and quiet.

  “How could I have not known? My best friend… and I didn’t even know.” Sean mumbled from behind me. His voice had startled me so I turned around, catching his last thought. “Maybe I didn’t want to know what was going on?”

  I didn’t answer because it seemed like he was working things out for himself. That and I didn’t have anything to offer as an explanation. I was tired of hiding this, so very tired, but I knew I couldn’t confide in anyone, most certainly not Tony’s best friend.

  I stood stock still, staring at him and waiting for him to say something else. He didn’t, though. He just stood as still as I was and stared back at me. Tony had left so I wasn’t fearful that he would overhear, but I was scared out of my wits as to what would happen if Sean didn’t leave right then. I knew nothing good could come from him being there.

  Sean looked as if he were beside himself at the revelation that had just sideswiped him. He kept running his hand through his wavy, long hair. “How did you hurt your arm?” he finally asked me quietly.

  I shrugged my left shoulder and dropped my right arm to my side. His question suddenly made me very self-conscious about it and I thought that if I kept it clung to my body, it would only add more questions to the list I already couldn’t answer.

  “Let me guess, you fell down the stairs again? Or did you run into a wall this time? Which excuse is it this time, Charlotte?” His words were condescending and held a hint of anger. Was he mad at me? What reason would he have to be mad? It started to make me think that I had been wrong about him. Maybe he was more like Tony than I had originally though.

  “It was an accident. Gardening. I’m not sure what happened; it just hurts.”

  “So what was it, an accident or not?”

  “I don’t know what I did to it. It started hurting after gardening.”

  I turned around but he quickly stepped to my side, never taking his eyes off me. I could feel the burning on the side of my face, but that was quickly replaced with the burning on my arm where he ever so gently touched me. He pulled my body away from the counter so that I was facing him.

  “Did he do this?” he asked, voice full of emotions I couldn’t place.

  I nodded meekly with my eyes turned down, unable to look at him as I confessed the biggest secret of my life. I was unsure of myself but confident that I couldn’t adequately deny it anymore. Nothing within me wanted to lie to him. The kindness that radiated from him made me want to spill everything, all the gruesome details. I don’t know why I thought I could trust this man, but I did. I felt like I could trust him with everything. Even though he was Tony’s best friend, there weren’t any similarities between the two. Other than the college days they sometimes reminisced about.

  “Why?” he asked in horror and shock.

  “I don’t know,” I answered honestly. I had been around Sean a handful of times this year and the differences between him and Tony had always struck me as odd. I had always thought that they were an unlikely pairing. I guess sometimes that worked. Now I knew for certain that Sean didn’t know the monster I did. He knew a different Tony.

  “You do know why; you’re just scared to say it out loud.”

  I gave in, unable to take his interrogation any longer. “He was mad about something. I honestly don’t know what it was, but it set him off. I never know why he does the things he does. He just gets mad… for no reason. That’s the truth,” I cried, trying to cover my face so he wouldn’t see my tears.

  “Oh, God!” he exclaimed as he continued to run his hands through his hair. Then he leaned closer to me and grabbed me by my arms gently, holding on to them and not letting them go.

  I couldn’t help myself and looked up into his amber pools, finding immediate comfort within them. It was enough of a comfort that I was able to hide the wince as he held my right arm. Even though he had the gentlest of touches, it still hurt.

  “We need to get you out of here!” he said and I could see the battle in his eyes.

  I shook my head. “That’s not going to solve anything.”

  “Won’t solve anything?” he asked in a horrified disgust. “It will solve everything! He won’t be able to hurt you anymore.” He stopped and backed away a step. “Tell me. Tell me what he does to you. Everything he’s ever done to you.”

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nbsp; “I can’t tell you anything.” Even though I trusted him, I wasn’t stupid. If I told him things, he would become angry and confront Tony with them. Tony would conclude that I told and I would be reprimanded appropriately once again. It was an endless cycle, one that I had gotten used to as sick as it may be. This was my life.

  “Let me help you, Charlotte. Tell me everything so I can help you.”

  “You can’t help me. For the most part, I have found that knowledge is power, but some knowledge is detrimental. Just keep pretending you don’t know. It’s better that way. Safer… for both of us.”

  “I can’t do that! I can’t pretend that I don’t know. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. The bruises, the scrapes, the way he looks at you. How the fuck did I not realize what was going on? The problem with you’re suggestion is that I do know. I know now and you won’t let me help.”

  “Please! He’ll take it out on me.” I wrung my hands anxiously as I cried.

  “I won’t tell him that I know. I need to think first. I need to figure it out.”

  “There’s nothing to figure out,” I argued.

  “Call the police.”

  I shook my head, backing up even farther away from him. “No. I can’t. It won’t do anything; they can’t protect me.”

  He looked at me with concern and asked, “Have you tried before?”

  I shook my head, but felt the need to explain further. “A few years ago I had gone to the hospital because my shoulder came out of the socket and I had some cracked ribs. They called the police and filed a report on my behalf. I told them not to but they did anyway. When the cops came to question me, I told them the same thing I had told the hospital staff—I fell down the stairs. It wasn’t a complete lie, I had fallen. The part I omitted was that Tony had backhanded me, causing me to spin and trip over my own feet and fall down the stairs. They went to the house to question Tony and he showed them the broken banister where my shoulder had hit it, causing it to pop out of the socket. That was the end of that. I knew nothing would happen; nothing ever happens when you call the police! So no, I can’t call them. You can’t call them. It only makes thing a thousand times worse. Trust me, I know.”