Hindsight

by Leddy Harper

  I curled into a ball, tucking my arms into my body, and cried until I fell asleep.

  I cried for who I used to be, for who I had turned out to be. I cried for my child that I let die because of my own weakness. I cried for Sean, for the love we had, for the love I hoped to continue to have, and for the possibility of never having it again. However, I didn’t cry for Tony. I didn’t cry for the crimes he committed against me or the person he had turned me into. No. That was my fault, and as such, it was my job to fix it.

  I hadn’t lied to Doctor Woodruff. I meant every word. What I left out was the sense of hopelessness I had felt. The lack of self-worth that continued to flow through me, and the worry that I would never experience all I had told him I wanted to. I feared that I would never live, love, and be strong. That I would never find the happiness I yearned for myself. I was truthful when I had told him I wanted all of those things; however, I neglected to tell him how much I believed I wouldn’t achieve any of it.

  But I let those thoughts fade into the background, becoming white noise as I drifted off to sleep, allowing myself one more moment of weakness with the promise that once I woke up, I would use my voice. I would find my strength and fight hard to be heard. That was the promise I made to the child I would never have.

  ***

  I opened my eyes to the white room and groaned inwardly at the fact I hadn’t been dreaming. I was still inside the nightmare that was my life. The only comforting thing about it was seeing Sean there, staring at me as if he had been waiting for me to wake up.

  “Hey, you,” he whispered as he moved to my side and kissed my forehead.

  “What time is it?” I asked groggily.

  “Almost dinner time. I went ahead and filled out your order form for you, I hope that’s okay. The choices weren’t that great, but I can run out and get you something if you’d like.”

  He was lying in bed next to me, pulling me close to his body. I finally relaxed, feeling safe and happy with him. “Whatever you picked will be fine. I’m starving. It feels like I haven’t eaten in days.”

  He pulled his head away and tilted my chin so that I could look at him. “Can we talk? Please? I don’t want you to get upset again, but I really need to talk to you.”

  My stomach clenched and my heart dropped. I knew what he wanted to talk about, but feared he would decide to leave me. I didn’t want to deal with his rejection; I had felt it too many times before. I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.

  “Why? I just need to know why.” His tone was soft and desperate and I could feel his breath on my face. It was warm and calming, but it didn’t do anything to the nerves that ran through my body knowing what I would have to tell him.

  “I just couldn’t handle it anymore.”

  “But we were going to be together… I don’t understand.”

  I shook my head and looked down at his chest, finding the courage to say the things I knew would change everything. “After I got off the phone with you, Tony called. We exchanged words… he wasn’t happy. Then, I found out I was pregnant. My period was a few days late, but I didn’t take it seriously. It had been late before. But I had tests in the bathroom from the last time it was late. I had taken one earlier that morning and then walked away, knowing it wouldn’t be positive. I ran to the bathroom to throw up after my talk with Tony, and that’s when I saw it.” I began to cry softly, remembering the empty feeling I had felt when seeing that bright blue plus sign staring up at me from the countertop. “I knew Tony would never let me go. I knew you said you couldn’t handle one more thing. And to be honest with you, I had reached my breaking point. I couldn’t handle one more thing, either.

  “I was in a fog for the rest of the day. I cried more than I ever thought I could, and by the time I woke up in the morning, seeing sixty missed calls from Tony on my phone, I just did it.”

  “You were pregnant?” he asked, the shock evident in his voice. His body went rigid and it sent a wave of worry through me.

  I rested my forehead against his firm chest and nodded.

  “Tony’s I take it?” he whispered and I nodded again. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you call me? Are you still…” Questions flew from his mouth into my hair, letting the last one hang in the silence.

  I still couldn’t look at him. I shook my head, gathering the courage to speak. “I have done nothing but call you every time I need help. I couldn’t do it again. You couldn’t help me. You know Tony would have never let me go after that.” I finally pulled my head away and looked at him.

  “He didn’t have to know about the baby—”

  I cut him off. “I would never ask you to raise his child. I know you would never want that.”

  Sean let out a sigh, his breath hitting my face. The resolve and truth were etched on his face, he couldn’t deny it. “I love you, Char. I would have supported any decision you would have made. So the baby didn’t make it?”

  I couldn’t tell if there was hope or despair in his question… maybe a mix of both. “No. The baby didn’t make it.”

  “How are you feeling about it?”

  “Sean, I tried to kill myself because of it. How do you think I feel about it? I’m torn! No, I didn’t want his baby. But that doesn’t mean that I’m happy that I’ve essentially killed my own baby in the process. I can’t separate that in my head. The only way to deal with it was if I had died, too. Then I wouldn’t have to feel this emptiness.”

  He reached up and wiped a tear from my face, his finger felt soothing on my skin. “But you’re alive. That’s the only thing that matters. They will be releasing you tomorrow and I’m going to take you home, to my house. I’m going tonight to get all of your things and then tomorrow, I’m taking you home. No more thinking about the past or yesterday, okay?”

  “How do I move on from this, Sean?” I asked, feeling like it was the most honest question I had ever uttered.

  “It’s easy, Char. Me and you, we’ll get through it. Just like we’ve gotten through everything else. Tony is in jail and he won’t be getting out. You’ll get your divorce and then I will put a ring on your finger. And the next time you see a positive pregnancy test, you will be crying happy tears. We’ll celebrate together, the way it should be.”

  “You still want to be with me?” I don’t know why but I was surprised.

  His eyebrows narrowed as he took me in. “Of course, Char. Nothing would ever keep me from wanting to be with you.”

  “But… you said you couldn’t handle one more thing. I’ve just handed you a lot more than one thing. I lost a baby, I tried to kill myself, I’m in the fucking psychiatric ward of a hospital.”

  “The only thing I can’t handle is living life without you in it.” He pulled me close to his body and I settled into his embrace. His fingertips made circles on my back as I found peace in his arms, happiness.

  “I love you, Sean,” I whispered into his chest.

  His lips met the top of my head and he whispered back, “I love you, too.”

  March 9th, 2015

  Sean was true to his word and had me back home—his home, our home—the next day. I had gone to see a therapist and he confirmed that the best thing for me was to get back to living. And that’s exactly what I did.

  It was hard, I won’t lie, but Sean made things easier. I still had to deal with the DA on Tony’s case, but they were very sympathetic with me and didn’t push. I gave them all I had in order to keep Tony locked away. He didn’t put up much of a fight once he realized he couldn’t get out of it. He was a smart man when it came to protecting himself, and he finally realized he couldn’t get out of the mess he had created.

  Sean had dropped me off at the animal shelter after I let him know that I needed to be there. I needed some sense or normalcy in my life, and the shelter gave me peace. He agreed and dropped me off, letting me know he would be back in three hours to pick me up. I was relieved at knowing I would be back with the animals and the people I cared so much about.

 
“Charlotte, there’s someone here that wants to see the puppies. Can you get Zeke and Zora and meet him in the family room?” Norma asked, peeking her head through the door to the puppy cages where I was, cleaning them out.

  The family room was a room in the back where we took the animals to meet their prospective adopted parents. It was a quiet room where the animals wouldn’t be distracted. It was easier for people to find their next family pet that way.

  I took the two precious lab-mix puppies and led them back to the room.

  My breath hitched in my throat as soon as the door was closed and I found myself face-to-face with him. I didn’t know him personally, but I had a feeling he knew me well. After all, he had been following me around for months.

  He was tall with jet-black hair that touched the collar of his shirt and black rimmed glasses perched high on his crooked nose. He wasn’t dressed like I was used to seeing him; he was wearing a suit that looked new and pressed. He looked like a million dollars yet he still gave me the creeps.

  Why was he there? I was sure he hadn’t come to adopt a puppy like I was expecting. Was he there to finish me off? I reached for the door handle and jiggled it in my hand, frantically trying to escape.

  “I’m not here to kill you, Charlotte,” he said in a deep, dark voice that had me frozen in place.

  “Then why are you here?” I asked once I found my voice.

  “I came here to talk.”

  “Why? What did I ever do to you?” It was the first question that came to mind, the only thing I could think of to ask. There were so many things running through my head, but that seemed to be the most important. “Why have you been following me around?”

  “It was never about you. It was always about Tony.” He continued when he noticed the confused look on my face. “You see, my father was a hated man. He beat up my mom and beat me even worse. There was never such thing as a good day in my house growing up. The only good day was when my father died. But he had kept a secret from me my whole life… I had a brother.”

  My eyes grew wide on my face. The eyes, the hair, the stature. It made sense yet confused me even more. He smirked at my expression and then sat down, getting comfortable in the room before continuing with his twisted and demented story.

  “Yes. A brother. Took me a while to find him; it wasn’t easy. But once I found him, I couldn’t simply let it go. He was a well-known lawyer, very successful. I was a high school dropout, unable to get a diploma because I had missed too many days of school due to my father’s hand. But my brother had it all. He went to college, went to law school, met a beautiful woman, and had it all.”

  I shook my head, unable to say a word as I listened to his view of Tony.

  “I wanted him to see what it was like for me. I wanted him to suffer, even if it wasn’t in the same way I had suffered. He deserved to be knocked down a few pegs. And I knew just how to do it. Erich killed his wife, but I needed him out of jail so that I could handle him on my own. I needed the best defense money could buy. And that’s where Tony comes in. Not only did I get the best lawyer money could buy, but I got it without having to pay a cent.”

  I immediately recalled the lunch with Tony, the one where he told me about being forced to take the case. Looking at the man in front of me now, it reminded me of the man in the restaurant. CJ was what he had called him. Wasn’t it?

  “What did you threaten him with?”

  He chuckled and stared at me intently. “There are some things you will never know.”

  I felt increasingly uncomfortable with him in the room and kept dodging his evil eyes, waiting for someone to come through the door. But no one ever did. It remained closed, leaving me alone with this monster.

  “I can tell you that you were never supposed to get caught in the middle. It was only supposed to be him. I needed him to suffer. I took away his income, but the bastard got creative. He started gambling. That ended up working in my favor, though, because he needed money to gamble with. I knew he was a greedy man, and wouldn’t know when to quit. Sure as shit, he had lost it all and then was in the hole with me for a hundred g’s. Then he moved on to more innovative ways. I had heard through the grapevine that he upped your life insurance policy and was trying to off you.”

  I felt my eyebrows pinch together on my forehead.

  “No, princess, he didn’t hire me. But I ended up hearing about it. When the time came, after the Nepson trial was over and he succeeded in delivering the not guilty plea, I knew there was only one thing left to do.”

  “Kill me?”

  He smiled. “Nah. I knew that hit man was a narc. I can smell them from a mile away. I just gave Tony his number and information. I learned not too long ago that he was beating on you and he needed to pay for that. I grew up watching my mom get slapped around and I don’t stand for it. I let the rest play out according to plan.”

  I shook my head, not having a clue as to what I was hearing. “So what are you, some kind of vigilante? Saving the poor abused women from their bastard husbands? That doesn’t seem to fit very well with your image.”

  “No. I’m not a vigilante. You’re correct in your assumption that I’m not a nice man. I’ve done horrible things. But the one thing I won’t tolerate is a man that beats on his wife… or any female for that matter. When I first found out about having a brother, I was merely curious. When I found out how successful he was, I was jealous. Then I found out he had turned into a wife beater and I became enraged.”

  I had to sit; my legs were growing weak and I didn’t know how much longer they would hold me up. I slid down the wall until my bottom met the floor and I took in a deep breath, trying to breathe it all in.

  “So who are you?”

  “Charlie Walsh.”

  “And why would you want to take care of this Nepson guy yourself but have no issues sending Tony to jail?” Everything he had confessed to me was jumbling up in my head and I needed some clarity.

  He let out a sigh and ran his long fingers through his hair, the same way I had seen Tony do countless times before. “Erich had never abused his wife, at least not that I knew about. And I would have known. He killed her because she was having an affair. With me. I was in love with her; she was the only woman I had ever loved other than my mom. She was blind enough that she saw the goodness in me. No one has ever seen good in me, but I think what she saw was her own reflection.” He paused, letting the words settle around us. I could tell it was a hard subject for him to discuss, but I stayed quiet and let him finish. “That was why I needed to take care of him. Erich took the only good thing away from me. As for Tony? I don’t give a shit what happens to him, as long as he’s not free to torment anyone else. You see, I thought he was free of that. I mean, he didn’t grow up with our dad. He didn’t have to witness the things I did—”

  “But he did,” I interrupted him. “He may not have watched your dad do it, but his stepfather was just as evil. I don’t know all of the details, but I know enough to tell you that he didn’t escape that life like you think he did.”

  “Thought,” he corrected me. “I learned shortly after meeting him how he had grown up. Abuse is an endless cycle. I’m sure you put up with it all because you grew up watching the same thing, right?”

  I nodded. “But so did you; why don’t you beat women then?”

  “Some continue on with the cycle, repeating the behaviors they’ve witnessed throughout their lives. Some don’t. Some, like me, look at it and make a conscious effort to change. I hated the son of a bitch that hurt my mom; I vowed I would never be like that. I take my anger out in other ways. Maybe that’s why I’m a good loan officer.” He smirked when he said that. “I don’t take my anger out on the innocent.”

  “Sounds like a vigilante to me,” I joked, lightening the mood.

  He rubbed the palms of his hands on his suit pants and leaned forward. “Well, I just wanted to talk to you. I wanted you to know you’re safe and it’s okay to live your life now.” He walked toward me and h
elped me off the floor. He took my hand in his and ran a finger lightly around the bandage that adorned my wrist. “Don’t ever do something this stupid again. Okay?”

  All I could do was nod. He turned on his heel and opened the door. I stopped him by reaching out and placing a hand on his thick bicep. “Why were you following me for so long? If you didn’t mean me any harm?”

  A small smile played on his lips as he reached out and traced my jaw with his fingers. I could feel the calluses on the pads of them as they gently scraped my skin. “I had to watch you, to make sure you were safe. If you hadn’t been, Tony wouldn’t be in jail right now. He’d be with Erich.”

  “Which is…” I probed.

  His smile widened. “I don’t know… no one has been able to find him. He has sort of disappeared.”

  And then he was gone. I was left with so many conflicting emotions. Tony’s brother? Was he good or bad? And I still don’t understand why he would have kept an eye out for me to protect me.

  “Charlotte,” Norma said from the hallway. “Sean is here. Want me to take the puppies back to the cages?” she asked and I nodded silently, still reeling from my encounter with Charlie—or CJ, whatever his name was. “Oh no, he didn’t want either of them?”

  I looked down at the two small dogs, playing gently on the floor. “I guess not.”

  “Well, they’ll go to a good home anyway.”

  I grabbed the leashes from her hands and held them tightly in my fists. “Yes they will. They’re going home with me.”

  Her eyes widened. “You want them? Are you sure?”

  I nodded vigorously. “Yes. Positive.” I was making a decision, one that was all mine. And it felt good. Damn good.

  “Okay then. Go meet Sean out front and I’ll gather some stuff for you from the back.” She smiled at me, patted my arm, and took off down the hallway to the storage room.