“Ryan?” his uncle called to him.
He glanced over his shoulder. “Yes?”
“I suggest you attend to your future.”
Ryan didn’t need to ask his uncle what he meant.
Chapter Fifteen
ZOE LET HERSELF into her parents’ house around 3:00 a.m. and quietly placed her keys on the console by the front door. She slipped off her shoes so she wouldn’t wake anyone and silently headed toward the stairs.
“Did you ever hear the expression, too busy to think?”
At the sound of an unexpected voice, Zoe jerked around and shrieked aloud. “Mom! Jeez, I didn’t expect anyone to be up at this hour. You scared me to death.” She placed her hand over her rapidly beating heart.
“What were you doing out so late?” Elena asked, rising from the couch. She stepped forward, nearly tripping on her kimono before catching herself and hiking up the sides of the flowing garment with her hands.
Zoe shook her head, but knew better than to comment on Elena’s clothing. “Why don’t you sit, Mom?”
Elena complied.
“I was working covering security at a show tonight.” Zoe’s company, now officially named All-Hours Security Specialists, was up and running and doing extremely well for a fledgling business. “Since when do you keep tabs on me?” Zoe joined her mother on the couch and settled in beside her.
“I just worry about you.”
Zoe leaned her head on her mom’s shoulders as if she were a little girl again. “And I love that you care.” She curled her legs beneath her, allowing exhaustion to take over. “But you know I work long hours and you know not to worry. So why wait up for me now?”
She stroked Zoe’s hair with gentle hands. “Because your heart is hurting. That’s what I’m so concerned about.”
Zoe shook her head, her denial automatic. But she knew she was lying. She’d been home from Boston for two weeks and she hadn’t been able to forget anything about Ryan and their time together. She remembered what his lips felt like kissing hers and how his very presence reached her on a deep, intimate level.
“Baah. You miss him.” Her mother had always been able to read her well.
She could no longer lie to herself, nor did she want to. “Of course I do, but that doesn’t make us right for each other.” She bit down on the inside of her cheek, but her words were even more painful.
“What does this right for each other mean?” her mother asked, all the while running her hand over her daughter’s hair with soothing strokes. “Do you love him?”
Zoe forced a nod. “But that doesn’t change that we live miles apart or that our backgrounds are completely opposite.”
“So? Does he eat with his hands or does he use a fork?”
Zoe laughed. “Too many forks, actually. Mom—”
“Does he respect your feelings and who you are as an individual?”
Zoe nodded, knowing her mother would feel her reply even if she couldn’t put it to words.
“Has he tried to change you?” Elena pushed on.
“No,” she whispered, her words making a mockery and a lie of everything she feared.
“I see,” her mother said. “You are right to distrust him and think things won’t work. Ryan Baldwin is an awful, awful man.”
“Mom!” Zoe said, laughing once more. Her mother knew just how to twist a point in order to make her own, and she’d just cornered Zoe with her own words.
And Elena wasn’t finished yet. “On top of everything, you’re willing to trust him with our Samantha.” She paused on purpose. “And yet you refuse to trust him with your own heart. Why not, my beautiful daughter?”
Zoe sighed and closed her eyes. How could she explain her deepest fears? “Ryan may act one way now, he may promise all the right things and say he loves all my ‘unique’ qualities. He may even believe all these things, but eventually we’d clash on issues. Important issues.”
Her mother waved her hand dismissively. “All married couples argue. After all, common wisdom says opposites attract, no?”
“Opposites divorce, too,” Zoe reminded her.
“Baah. You’re grasping at reasons to run away from him because you’re scared.”
“Of?” Zoe asked, affronted her mother would think such a thing.
“Of love.” Her mother’s voice dropped, her sadness and disappointment obvious. “Didn’t your father and I set a good example?” she asked.
Zoe swallowed hard, reaching for Elena’s hand and holding on tight. “Of course you and Dad set the best example, but you’re both so…so…intense.”
There was that word again, Zoe thought. Intense. Extreme. She on one end of the spectrum, Ryan on the other, only their passion uniting them.
“You inherited the same qualities. Much more so than Ari,” Elena mused.
Far from being reassuring, her mother’s words cemented the fear in Zoe’s heart. But there was no time like the present to confront it.
“It’s that intensity that frightens me,” she admitted. “When I was younger, I thought if I put all those feelings into my career, I could handle it. I realize now the Secret Service and all my training with the Bureau was a way for me to try and control the intense part of myself.”
“The Greek part of you? We’re hot-blooded people. We fight strongly and we love strongly. It’s not something to fear but to embrace.” Her mother smoothed Zoe’s hair with her hand again.
Zoe nodded, understanding her mother’s words in a soul-deep way she couldn’t have before. Not when she was young and searching for adventure, and not when she’d first met Ryan. Only after. “I feel that kind of intense emotion with Ryan in a way I never did for another man,” she admitted to her mother.
“I understand. It was the same for me and your papa.”
Zoe sat up. She glanced over at the wedding photograph of her parents on the mantel and smiled. “You married young. I’m already thirty.”
“Way past time to settle down.”
“Way past time to get set in my ways,” Zoe countered. “What do I know about sharing my life?”
Another wave of her mother’s kimono-sheathed arm followed. “You’ll learn together. Zoe, Zoe, even when we joked about you being afraid to commit to anyone or anything, I never thought I raised you to be a coward.”
“Well then surprise, surprise.” Because Zoe was a coward.
She was damn scared of discovering she couldn’t have it all, that she couldn’t be herself and keep Ryan happy, too. She was afraid of having to answer to him and failing, afraid of disappointing him.
Elena pinned Zoe with her contemplative gaze. “So you’re afraid even to try. You’re unwilling to compromise so that you and Ryan can be together.”
Ryan had accused her of something very similar, Zoe recalled.
Her mother made a tsk-tsking sound that Zoe knew signaled her disappointment in her. “And is Ryan a coward, too? He must be since he let you leave without fighting for you. Another one unwilling to change or compromise.”
Zoe rose from the couch, her anger flowing on Ryan’s behalf. “I’m willing to admit my flaws, but don’t paint Ryan with the same brush.”
“What is this brush?” Elena asked, confused by the English expression.
“I mean don’t just assume that Ryan is like me. He’s come a long way since the first time he set foot in our backyard.”
Her mother leaned forward, her chin in her hands. “Really? How so?” she asked as if she doubted Zoe’s claim.
Zoe tossed her hands in the air. “After all Sam and I told you about our trip to Boston, I can’t believe you need to ask. He understands Sam. He will raise her to be independent without crushing her spirit. He’s mellowed and he looks for reasons before just applying ridiculous rules or codes of behavior.”
“So what makes you think he’s incapable of doing the same for you?” Elena asked, her mother’s words doing the near impossible, silencing Zoe, and also forcing her to think.
Ryan had chang
ed since they’d met. He’d found a balance between his Boston upbringing and Sam’s cherished independence.
He’d told Zoe he loved her and was willing to wait for her.
And he’d gotten nothing back in return, she realized. Not a single, solitary thing. Not words of love, not promises of tomorrow or even a future. Nothing.
“Zoe?” Her mother’s voice interrupted her thoughts. “You’re quiet.”
“I’m thinking.”
“About?”
“What an idiot I’ve been.”
“How so?” her mother asked.
Zoe sighed. “Ryan’s a good man. A decent man.” A sexy man who loved her and accepted her, stubborn flaws and all.
And she’d walked away.
Her pulse raced. Nausea threatened as reality struck, hard and unyielding. She’d been so stubborn, so unwilling to believe in love, or in Ryan. Or even in herself. She placed a trembling hand over her churning stomach. Why hadn’t his word been enough?
Hadn’t he proven himself since he met her? He’d loosened up and learned to accept things new and different. Like the Costases and their pet pig, she thought wryly. And he’d promised her that he’d never make her change. Yet she’d still felt the need to run.
Why?
Fear had motivated her, just like Ryan had said.
And now? What had changed in her mind? She bit down on her lower lip. She was still scared of the emotions and the intensity they shared. Only now she saw things clearly and she was much more afraid of losing him than she was of giving them a try.
Ryan had already found his balance in life. It was time she showed him she had done the same. And she knew exactly what she had to do in order to prove herself to him. She only hoped it wasn’t too late or else she was doomed to spend the future alone. Because an intensity and love like she shared with Ryan only came around once in a lifetime.
RYAN SAT IN HIS OFFICE, legal pad in front of him, case files surrounding him, but his concentration wasn’t on work. Instead all he could focus on was Zoe. Ryan had every intention of telling her family about his decision to let them raise Sam, and he planned to tell them in person. He didn’t want to delay the revelation because he understood how much pain and misery was involved in preparing to say goodbye.
But his plans to leave immediately had been cut short when one of his partners had been rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. Ryan had stepped in to take over the workload. As a result, the soonest he could leave for New Jersey would be this coming weekend.
Not that it mattered. Whether he left for Jersey late Friday night or early Saturday morning, beach traffic would prolong his commute. And no matter when he made the trip, he’d still have hours alone in the car to think about all the things he could and should say to Zoe. Not that any of them would make a damn bit of difference. Apparently in his world, I love you was destined to be a one-way street.
He glanced down at the empty pad when the buzzer on his intercom rang. Ryan ignored it, hoping Nadine would take the hint and assume he was busy. Unfortunately she was persistent and suddenly the buzzer turned into knocking on his office door.
“Come on in,” he called, annoyed with the interruption.
Steeling himself to deal with the intruder when he wanted nothing more than to be alone, he glanced up. Zoe was the last person he expected to see standing in the doorway. But there she was. Wearing her trademark miniskirt and not much of a top that fell seductively off one shoulder, she looked tanned and as fresh as the summer morning.
He couldn’t deny the absolute pleasure he took on seeing her here in his office, on his turf. Coming to him.
“Hi,” she said, lifting one hand in a hesitant wave. Her expression was just as wary, and since uncertainty wasn’t something he normally associated with Zoe, Ryan was immediately on guard.
Still, she’d made the trip here and his heart leaped in his chest. He rose, not bothering to hide his surprise at seeing her. “What are you doing here?”
She shut the door behind her. “I needed to talk to you.”
He raised an eyebrow. “I’ve called every couple of days to speak with Sam. You’ve avoided every possible opportunity to talk.”
Though he didn’t know why she was here, he wasn’t about to make this visit easy or let her off the hook without an explanation. Surely he deserved that much from the only woman to whom he’d ever professed his love.
“I’ve been working long hours.”
“So have I,” he said, pointing to the stacks around his desk. “But that didn’t stop me from calling the people I care about.”
She briefly bowed her head. “You’re going to make me work for this, aren’t you?”
“Work for what?” he asked her. “I have no idea why you’re here or what you want.”
And Zoe wondered if he even cared anymore. She swallowed hard and resisted the urge to wipe her sweaty palms against her skirt. Nobody promised her an easy meeting and certainly nobody had guaranteed her the happy ending she wanted. For all she knew, there would be no second chances for herself and Ryan.
She stepped forward, coming up close to his desk. “When I met you, I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted out of life. Or at least I told myself I knew.”
He waited, his steely gaze never leaving hers.
“I thought I was a hot-shot ex-fed who was about to start her own business and have it all.” She shook her head at her naïveté. “I told myself I hadn’t fallen in love and it just wasn’t in the cards for me. Then you came along in your suit and tie and your uptight ideas about rules and propriety, and I was so damn sure I could handle the attraction.”
She shook her head and laughed at herself and the fool she’d been. “I mean, after all, I’d had affairs, I’d had sex, and what else would it be with a guy like you, who was so different, so opposite of me and everything I believed in?” She glanced at him through lowered lashes. “Are you with me so far? Because if you don’t say something soon, I’m going to lose my nerve and bolt,” she warned him.
“I’m listening,” he said in a deep, compelling voice. “In fact, I’m hanging on every word.”
But he remained on his side of the desk, thick mahogany wood and deep emotional distance separating them. Distance only she could bridge and, drawing a deep breath, she somehow found the courage to go on.
“Then I got to know you.” Closing her eyes, she remembered their first awkward meeting, then immediately recalled how she’d found him shirtless, digging a place for Ima to root. She couldn’t forget how he’d shown up with pig-raising books for Sam and realized she’d probably fallen in love with him then. “And I saw there was so much more than someone from a completely different world than me.”
“And that scared you,” he said, finally contributing to the conversation and helping her out.
“Yeah. Along with the intense heat and chemistry we generated, you scared me.”
“Why?”
She rolled her eyes because in her mind, the answer was obvious. However, it wasn’t apparent to Ryan and she owed him every word of explanation. “You scared me to death, Ryan. Because I’d grown up watching my parents’ marriage. It was always hot and passionate and always ended in one of them compromising their beliefs for the other.”
“So? Isn’t that what love is all about? Nobody has to change, but sometimes one or the other person has to give a little.” Confusion laced his tone.
She almost smiled because he’d just provided her with his view on relationships. And love.
Nodding slowly, she continued, “Yes, that’s what love is all about. And at thirty years old—”
“Hell, you make it sound like thirty is ancient.” He ran a hand through his hair, his frustration clear. “It’s a goddamn excuse, Zoe, and it’s about time you admit it, if not to me then to yourself.”
He’d raised his voice at her and a swell of emotion rose in her throat, tears forming in her eyes. And she wasn’t even halfway through with what she had to tell him.
“Yes it was an excuse,” she yelled back at him, her harsh tone and criticism aimed at herself. “You think I don’t know that? But if I don’t explain why I needed the excuse, then we have no hope of getting past it. So if you don’t mind, I’d like to continue.” She forced a deep breath into her lungs and only when she was sure she wouldn’t cry, she started to speak again.
He grinned.
Damn the man.
“By all means. Go on.” His voice had softened as had his expression, giving her courage and hope.
“At the time, when I couldn’t face how I felt about you, I started focusing on our differences. And I told myself that after doing exactly what I wanted when I wanted, I wasn’t capable of having an intense, committed relationship while maintaining my independence.”
“And you didn’t trust me not to demand you change,” he said, his disappointment strong.
“Because I didn’t trust me. I didn’t trust myself not to give in to you, to do anything to keep you happy, even if I lost myself in the process.”
He shook his head. “I wouldn’t let that happen.”
She nodded. “I know that now. Just like I know I wouldn’t lose myself to any man.” She couldn’t help but smile. “Not even to you, despite how charming, sexy, and charismatic you may be.”
He stood up straighter. Then the man in the Italian-cut designer suit and silk tie, the man she’d first met with the twinkle in his eye and the ability to make her laugh, strode around the desk and came up beside her. “Say that again.”
“What?” she asked, fluttering her eyelashes and feigning innocence.
“Tell me again how charming, sexy and charismatic I am.” He sat on the desk and leaned closer.
She laughed. “I think you’re missing the point.”
He shook his head. “With any luck, I think I’m just catching on.”
Not only were they joking and laughing, but he’d closed the physical and emotional distance between them. When she inhaled, she took in his musky cologne and heady scent, and arousal hit her hard. Only this time, her desire didn’t frighten her. It just made her more determined to explain and win him back.
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