by Banks, R. R.
Graham
I stood on the dock long after the cruise ship had pulled away. Holly hadn't wanted me to, but there was nothing that was going to take me away from standing by the water and watching as the ship disappeared toward the horizon. She hadn't come to stand by the railing to wave goodbye the way others had. She wasn't the only one boarding the ship at that port, but the crowd on the decks had already been so thick that when she walked on I couldn't see her anymore. I could still taste her kiss and the salts of the tears that had slipped between our lips as we parted.
"Thank you for everything," she had said to me.
"For what?" I asked.
"For everything," she said. "Tell Charlie," she hesitated and swallowed hard. "Tell Charlie I said Merry Christmas."
I asked her why she decided to go on the cruise, but all she told me was that it was what she wanted. She said that this was the way that it should be. I didn't believe her. I knew that there was something else, but she wouldn't tell me. As I headed back to the hotel I wondered if everything that I had thought about her might be just as much a delusion as what I've been thinking about Brandy. Was it possible that I had gotten so wrapped up and all that had happened after stepping foot on that train, I had crafted in my mind something that didn't exist? Was I projecting something onto Holly that I would eventually see wasn't actually there?
Maybe we only worked with the chaos of where we had found each other. Maybe when everything settled down and life went back to just life, it wouldn't work anymore. Maybe she would never fit in in my life at all. I had to tell myself that. I had to reassure myself that she had made the decision that was right for both of us. I had to think about Charlie now.
That thought brought a moment of panic into my heart. I remembered hearing him talking to Holly and telling her about all of the Christmas gifts that he was sure that Santa would bring to him. The box of gifts that I had shipped to Brandy’s house were now sitting in the dining room, unopened. I knew that there were some things inside that he would enjoy, but there are also things that I had chosen for him because they were everything that I would have chosen for myself. The things that he wanted most weren't there. I couldn't imagine him waking up on Christmas and seeing that Santa had not brought him what he wanted so much. I reluctantly called Brandy and asked her what she had gotten for him. I was relieved to hear that she had picked up one of the gifts that he wanted but everything else that she had chosen could have fit any five-year-old. Suddenly I understood what Holly had meant when she said that I should be choosing gifts for Charlie and not just for a five-year-old and not for myself at five years old. This is my son. This was his Christmas.
I spent until all of the stores closed scouring the shelves for the gifts that he wanted. I dug through picked over bins, and pushed aside damaged boxes, hoping that the other parents would have missed the toys that were on his list. When I got back to the hotel that night I felt completely dejected. The room was empty and cold. Everything was pristine and silent. I held only one bag which held just wrapping paper, tape, scissors, and ribbon. At the very bottom of the bag was a single small toy. Something only big enough to tuck into a stocking.
I went to the closet to tuck the bag inside, intending on having Brandy bring the box of gifts to the hotel so that I could wrap them the next day. When I opened the door, I saw that there was something sitting on the floor of the closet. It was a red velvet bag with a gold drawstring and I immediately thought of Coy in the post office and Whiskey Hollow. I knew that it couldn't be the letters to Santa. I had already snuck those back into the post office before we left the hollow. But the bags looked so much alike and there was something inside. I took the bag out and brought it over to the table. I opened it and the first thing I saw was an envelope. I opened the envelope and found a note card.
Santa was here .
I recognize the handwriting. I knew that Holly had written that note and had left the bag in the closet before we left for the port. I reached into the bag and pulled out the first item that I felt. My heart pounded in my chest as I put it down on the table to reach into the bag again. I moved faster and faster pulling out items until there was a stack of five things on the table. Five perfect gifts. I didn't know when she had done it, but Holly had saved Christmas.
My phone rang, and I pulled it out noticing Brandy's number on the screen. Hers was the last voice that I wanted to hear, but I answered it. Twenty minutes later I was standing in her kitchen again and she stared at me.
"How could you say that?" I asked.
"Don't act so surprised," she said. "But keep your voice down."
"Why bother?" I asked. "Don't you think that Charlie should know how you feel about him?"
"I love my son," she said. "I never said that I don't love him."
"No, you just said that you don't want to be a mother."
Brandy huffed, looking as though she didn't know what she was supposed to say.
"You knew from the very beginning that I never saw myself as a mother, Graham. I told you that from the time that I met you. I had my own life to live. My own things to do. I never wanted to have a child. I never wanted my life controlled that way. You controlled me enough."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You know exactly what that means," she said. "Everything has always been your way. I had to bow to your schedule, your work, your dreams. I had to do what you wanted to do, because that was the only way. And then I got pregnant and you got your ultimate control over me."
"Don't you dare say that. Don't you dare act like my son is something that I inflicted on you. Yes, you had to make compromises in our relationship. That's what people do. I noticed that you stopped complaining when having my last name meant that you had a credit card that would let you do anything."
"You think that's all that matters to me."
"Of course, it is. It's all that ever mattered to you. That's why you wanted Charlie."
It was a realization that it just struck me, something that I'd never even considered before.
"What?"
"You said it yourself. You never wanted to be a mother. Never wanted a child to control your life. So why would you ask for custody of him? Why would you move him across the country away from me? It was all about money. You were furious that the prenuptial agreement kept you from getting half of my billions. You're too greedy to be content with what you did get, so you took from me the one thing that you know matters the most. You took my son. You took him to punish me and you took him to make sure that I would still have to send you money."
I was expecting her to argue. Even though I knew it was the truth, it seems like the only decent thing to do would be for her to try to defend herself, to try to pretend that that wasn't her motivation. But she didn't. Instead, Brandy just stared at me.
"What is it that you want me to say, Graham?"
"I don't even know, Brandy. You called me here to tell me that you couldn't handle taking care of him anymore. That he's too much of a handful. That at five years old, somehow, your own child is just too much a drain on your life."
"That's not what I said. He is a lot to handle. And I have other things going on in my life. Too much going on to be busy with him all the time. All I'm asking is for you to pay for a nanny for him."
I scoffed, taking a step back from her.
"You can't be serious."
"Why not? It's not that I don't ever want to see him. Like I said, I love my son."
"You just don't want to have to take care of him all the time."
My image of the possibility of us being a family seemed even more ridiculous now. I looked back on my time with Brandy and I knew that I had always seen the signs, I just didn't want to think about them. I didn't want to admit that I had made such an awful choice. I was starting out of the house when I heard soft footsteps coming down the stairs towards me.
"Charlie," Brandy snapped. "What are you doing up so late?"
"I thought that I heard Daddy's voice,
" he said in a sleepy tiny tone.
"Hi buddy," I said. "It's really late. You should be getting to sleep."
He stepped down another step and held his arms open to me. I hugged him tightly, breathing in the scent of him. I scooped him up and carry him up the stairs. It had been so long since I'd been able to put him to bed I wasn't going to waste this opportunity. I walked until I found his bedroom and then settled him in. I had ordered him a bed shaped like a rocket ship and this was the first time that I've been able to see it. It was perfect. I pulled the covers up over him and leaned down to kiss him goodnight, tucking his teddy bear under his arm. Charlie looked up at me with round brown eyes that looked exactly like mine.
"Daddy, will Holly be with us for Christmas?"
I shook my head.
"No, buddy. I'm sorry."
"Why not?"
"She had to go away," I told him. She was only here for a little while."
"Didn't you like her?"
I smiled sadly.
"I did."
"Then why couldn't she stay longer?"
I leaned down and kissed my son again.
"Go on to sleep now. I love you. Sweet dreams."
I was nearly to the door when I heard his little voice again.
"Daddy?"
I turned around.
"Yes, Charlie?"
"I liked her, too."
Chapter Fifteen
Holly
I will have fun today. I will have fun today. I will have some damned fun today.
"Merry Christmas" said some person passing by me as I walked on the main deck of the boat.
For the first time in my life I contemplated just how easy it would be to toss another human being into the water, and exactly how much trouble I would get in for doing it. Would it be attempted murder? Assault? Can I plead insanity?
If I see just one Christmas decoration, I might have to set everything on fire. Then I can definitely plead insanity. Christmas made me do it will play in a court. Maybe I can reprise my last words to Ben and do a medley of Christmas carols of the damned. That should convince them that I should not be held accountable for tossing a man overboard and then throwing his eggnog down with him.
I walked across to the bar stand and perused the menu. There were lots a fruity, tropical drinks on the menu, several standard bar drinks and then an entire side menu of Christmas themed options. I didn't know if that counted as a decoration, but I was pretty sure if they did anything special to the glass it would count, and I didn't want to have to murder everyone on the boat or send it up in a fiery inferno. That thought made me even sadder, imagining the Whiskey Hollow Christmas story that would evolve from a whole boat going up in flames. Deciding I was better safe than sadistic, I grabbed a paper menu and walked away. The intention was to have a seat by the pool, find something salty and decadent to eat, order it and bring it back to my stateroom where I could devour it in peace. The decadent part was to make me feel better. The salty part was so that my tears blended in just in case I had another moment of spontaneous sobbing as I had had several times since boarding.
First though, a little walk was what I knew I needed. I needed thinking time, and the boat was big enough that one lap would be more than enough steps that I wouldn't feel as guilty about ordering a dessert too. I started off toward the back of the boat, trying to remember if that was 'starboard' side or not, when I came to the entrance of the on-ship nightclub. It was dark inside, but I could just make out a few lonely souls inside.
God, I miss him.
Ugh. I hated even thinking that. Did I though? Really? Did I miss him specifically or was I just lonely, sad, and feeling sorry for myself? I didn't know for sure, and that made everything even worse. How in the world was I supposed to enjoy a cruise if I was sad? What made me do this in the first place?
Oh, shit. It was because I was sad. I planned on going on the cruise because I was sad about one guy, and now I'm miserable on the cruise because I was sad about another. This was the worst fucking holiday fable to ever be told. And I didn't even get to be played by an anthropomorphized animal or discover some sort of deep meaning at the end.
I shook my head and tried to shove those thoughts away. I had to move on, by myself. I had to forget about Graham and his deliciousness or Charlie and his adorableness. I had to remember why I had to put him, and all thoughts of that type of future, behind me, and doing this was a step toward that independence. No boyfriends, no friends, no one but me and this giant boat, and these strangers, and…
A Christmas decoration.
And a big one. A giant wreath was hanging on the back end of the boat.
How in the living hell did I miss that?
It must have been 10 feet tall and just as wide and it was decorated with ribbons and bows and all manner of festive Christmas jewelry. I wanted to be angry and complain and rant about the unfairness of it all. I wanted to be able to fantasize about tearing it off the boat and curling a smile like the Grinch as I flung it into the sea to be a life preserver for the kraken.
But I couldn't. Instead of making me boil, it just made me sadder.
Maybe I should go swimming thought a completely irrational and idiotic part of my brain. Not only do I have absolutely no desire to get into a bathing suit right now, but I am not a particularly strong swimmer and it would be a shame for this all to end with me on the front page of the newspaper as a tragic holiday loss.
I wonder if that would qualify as news for the Holler Holler.
"Can I help you, Miss?" asked a voice behind me. I turned and saw an older gentleman at the door of the nightclub. I realized I hadn't moved from in front of the door and had just been staring at the wreath this entire time.
"No, thank you, I'm fine" I said.
I am not fine.
Chapter Sixteen
Graham
There was a knock on the door, followed by a somewhat exasperated voice behind it "Mr. Castle? Hello Mr. Castle? There are some… men, in the lobby. They said they know you. They seem very insistent on seeing you. Shall I call the police sir?"
"Did one of them introduce himself as Boom Boom?" I asked, opening the door to see the fragile little man who ran the front desk standing outside the room.
He was obviously flustered and was patting his forehead with an embroidered handkerchief. I thought about Coy and felt another flicker of sadness.
"Why, yes sir, he did. I thought that he was threatening me."
"I know them." I took a look around my room, wondering if bringing them up here was such a good idea or not, but then realized them hanging out in the lobby would potentially be much worse. While I have grown quite fond of Boom Boom and the hollow people, the rest of the guests in this hotel might not be as accommodating. "Tell them to come on up here. I'll be waiting for them."
"Are you sure, sir?"
"Yes" I said, a sharp edge of aggravation in my voice.
I shouldn't be so upset with this man for judging them the way he was, considering it wasn't too long ago when if I hadn't had the experiences that I did I would have done the same thing. Yet every word and nervous look that this man gave made me less and less tolerant to having him in my presence. These were my friends now and I valued them for exactly who they were.
I went back inside, opened the refrigerator, and pulled out three beers. It wasn't moonshine, but I thought I should have something to offer them when they came up. I sat the beers on the small dining table and walked to the mirror. I was wearing a tie, something I hadn't worn since the first time I met Boom Boom.
Was I seriously worrying about what they would think of me? That's a new concept.
There was another knock on the door, this time slower, and louder than before. Not a pounding, but certainly an insistent knock meant to gain my attention. As I walked to the door, it hit me what the clerk had said. Three men. Who in the hell did Boom Boom bring with him, and why did they come all the way out here to talk to me when they had my phone number?
&nbs
p; I opened the door to see three step-ladder people. Boom Boom in the middle, Cletus, the smallest, on the right, and some man I didn't recognize towering over both of them on the left. He grinned at me as I looked them over, but the other two didn't seem as pleased. They both maintained stern expressions that I couldn't quite interpret.
"Cletus, Boom Boom, come on in. Have a beer. What the hell are you guys doing here?"
"Beer? Well, that sounds awful fine" said the man to the left as he brushed past me inside.
Cletus and Boom Boom side-eyed me as they followed in.
"Where is Holly?" asked Cletus.
He shot a glance at Boom Boom as he said it and they shared a conspiratorial moment.
"She's not here, she’s..."
"On a cruise, right?" asked Boom Boom.
"Yes. How did you know that?"
"We figured you'd do something stupid like that" Cletus responded.
Behind them, the third man finished guzzling one beer down and had begun to eye another.
"What? And who is this?"
"Oh. Right. This is BillyBob. Say hi BillyBob" said Boom Boom.
"Hey, partner" said BillyBob
"Graham," Boom Boom corrected.
"Hey Graham," BillyBob amended.
"He ain't never been good with manners," said Boom Boom.
"You mean THE BillyBob? Your brother from the skinnyfishing story?"
"I'm famous," exclaimed BillyBob as he subtly attempted to open another beer.
"Yeah, that's the one. I half wish he had stayed lost, to tell you the truth," Boom Boom said quietly to me.
"Me, too," Cletus added.
"I heard that, Cletus."