Memoirs of a Superior

by Prosser, Lord David

  Following what sounded like the heehawing of a donkey in pain I soon found him. He was sitting at the foot of a tree just outside the walls and braying up into the branches. I thought perhaps he's lost his mind until I noticed a female sitting in the branches above looking rather scared.

  “Hello Ginger” I said, “ what's new?”

  “Hi Oscar” he replied, “ I'm just serenading this young Lady. The sun is shining and I'm in the mood for love.”

  “Ginger old chap, I think you’re scaring the object of your attention to death. How about letting her down and allowing her to introduce herself first?”

  “I suppose so” he said, “hey beautiful, how about coming down to say hello.”

  Beautiful agreed and came clambering delicately down.

  “I am Sheba sirs” she told us “ and am looking for my Longlegs who seems to have lost me.”

  “I'm Ginger and this is Oscar” said Ginger, “ I think I'm in Love!”

  Sheba simpered a bit, “I'm too young for Love” she told us.

  “Where did you last see your Longlegs?” I asked getting back to the point though I could see why Ginger was attracted to Sheba.

  “When she went to visit a friend” she said “I decided to look around and forgot which house she'd gone in.”

  “Well it's only a small village” I said, “we'll soon find her.”

  “But now I'm thirsty” she told us “and I don't know where to go.”

  “Follow me” I said, and started leading the way to the Fursty Ferret which always has a dish of water outside for the dogs whose Longlegs drink there. As we approached Ginger bounded ahead and stood by the dish. “Here you are Sheba” he said “a drink for you and then a little fun with me?”

  “Behave yourself Ginger” I told him “the last thing we want is your kittens appearing one day looking for you. You're not father material.”

  After a drink Ginger and I took Sheba on a tour of the village until she recognised the chariot she'd come in. Looking inside we could see a large cat bed on the back seat which must have been hers. The chariot was parked near two cottages and so starting there seemed a good idea. We went up the first path and could hear voices so we walked round the back where they seemed to come from. “Sheba my darling” called a Longlegs sitting with some others, “you've found some friends have you? I do hope that Ugly Orange Tom has behaved round you.”

  Sheba jumped up on the woman's knee and started telling her tale of being lost, which was completely lost on the Longlegs who understood not a word.

  One of the other Longlegs stood and said “Come on you two, lets get you a saucer of milk.”

  Ginger and I followed and received our reward.

  I walked home afterwards and as I left Ginger at the wall I told him after I'd heard him sing I understood where the Longlegs term caterwauling came from now. I smiled to show him I wasn't being cruel.

  I entered the house through the clearway and carefully looked round. There was no wool and I could see that 'The Her' was back to knitting and was off the phone now. I jumped up beside her to finish off my interrupted sleep.

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  Oscar Views History

  I cut my paw this morning thanks to some Longlegs not being very careful with an empty bottle. Lying here has given me time to think and so I've been thinking about History and how things might have been different had more people had Superiors like me. For instance, would Nero have fiddled while Rome fell if he'd been given a kitten to entertain instead ? Maybe he'd have gone on to become an architect after his time as Emperor was up ( Which apparently couldn't come soon enough for most of Rome including his wives Octavia and Poppaea).

  The Ancient Egyptians nearly had it right when they regarded us as Gods. Where they fell down was entombing us along with the Pharaohs who worshipped us. While it was OK for a while catching all the mice and rats that were down there too, it wasn't a good idea to let us pass before our nine lives were up. Maybe if we'd been allowed to carry on we could have educated more Longlegs and Egypt would still be a power. Maybe they'd still be worshipping us too which wouldn't have been a bad thing.

  Napoleon loved his horse but if he'd loved a Superior maybe his bad temper wouldn't have sent him off to try and claim Europe as his own and help himself to the treasures of Egypt. ( Serves them right for forgetting to treat us as Gods). This reminds me that I should tell you about Longlegs Sciences. It's been proved that Longlegs feel much better and less angry and stressed if they can stroke a Superior. This leads on to Superiors Science that maintains every Longlegs household should have at least one Superior to stroke then maybe they'd stop fighting each other and shouting at each other. When they've all settled down maybe it's time they resurrected the idea of worshipping us again.

  Now I don't like to brag, but I'm quite a handsome chap. Though the Egyptians of old used to have statues of the Superior Bastet to worship,(I am of course a direct descendant) I'm sure that there's an idea that she's a little out of date now ( I'm spreading it). Therefore I offer myself as a model for the new Longlegs to worship even though my natural modesty would normally not allow this. But, we need to act quickly and I think it would be better to use me than waste time holding competitions. Of course you would always need a reserve and my friend Ginger says he's willing too ( Though I suggest you look to Smokie or Gizmo first, maybe even Millie).

  So, anyone interested in making a model of a Fine Superior would be welcome to contact me via this blog, please don't expect an answer in a hurry as I am sure Thousands of Longlegs will apply for this honoured position. World Peace is within your grasp here when you all worship me and my Superior fellows and allow us into your homes.

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  Oscar's Take on Language

  I'm still lying here resting my poor sore paw and that takes some saying I promise. I know some of you will say “Huh, he's just lazy as the paw should be healing now”. But, although the paw is healing a bit, I'm feeling the arthritis beginning to bite now and its getting harder to move. Still, it gives me time to gather my thoughts and share them with you all.

  This light had me thinking about language. I'm a well educated Superior and have come into contact with many Longlegs. Over time there seem to have been Longlegs visiting from all parts of this globe. I have heard the mangled English of America, the gutteral German, the temptation of Italian and the relaxed tones of Spanish. I've heard the Urgency of French, the leadership of Portuguese, the sing-song of Chinese and the melody of Welsh. I've heard those and more but it always surprises me that no Longlegs ever talks the Miaow language of Superiors. Nor have they one language understood the World over the way Miaow is. I can meet and greet a Superior from any part of the World because he speaks the same language as me. This is of course just further proof of why we are Superiors. They have to learn new languages all the time to communicate.

  All this of course made me wonder about education and whether that's what sets us apart from the Longlegs. Just listen to this.....they send their kittens away to be educated ! Yes it's true, they go out in the light time and come home before the dark time and they go and learn things in large groups. I've heard of some things they learn like counting, that's good but you only need count things like the claws on your paws really. They learn reading, which for them is good because they send things to each other in writing. They learn about other Countries, which is good if you live there but why bother if you only live here? They learn things which are useful like the females learn to cook my chicken and the males to build houses for me to live in, but that's only because we Superiors have decreed it thus for our own needs, after all the Longlegs have the opposing thumb we don't have. Yes, I'm sure that's just something else we Superiors decreed.

  What the Longlegs don't have is the instinct we are born with. What they don't have is a Superior's education given by a parent of how to stalk and catch food, of how to organise Longlegs to do things for us. And this is given at home with no need to send
us away during the light time. Our lives are far less complicated.

  One thing we should envy the Longlegs though is life. We have nine lifetimes to learn things and start very early whereas the Longlegs live many more lifetimes. They start learning late but keep learning all the time so they may actually serve more than one Superior during that time. It would be nice if we had more than our nine lives so we could keep training the Longlegs under our care though I'm not sure I'd want to live the hundreds of years they do, after all I've seen what happens to their fur when they get old, it disappears and they have try and comb what's left to cover the patches. I certainly wouldn't want that as my fur is luxurious. Everyone should be as jealous of my fur as they are of my wit and charm, my education and training skills. Talking of which, it's time I put my language skills to good use and suggested to my 'The Him' that he fills my dish with chicken.

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  Oscars Perception of Youth

  It's a Topsy Turvy world. You know that 'The Her' has been ill recently and 'The Him ' has stepped into the breach and been feeding me. (He obviously values his job and his skin). Well, this light 'The Her' bounced out of her sleeping place and fed me again as though there had been no change. Then , when I jumped up on the seat beside her after eating she didn't push me away from her tummy and actually stroked me again.

  Added to this, I have been despairing of the kittens of today. They seem to have it so easy that few of them are now going out and catching food to bring home for their Longlegs. They don't make them squeal any more like they used to. They have no respect for the older Superior like me and roll their eyes when we start to tell them stories of how it used to be. Sometimes they say we live in the past. It's not always been wise to go out if there are a group of them playing together. Well, I was resting my paw earlier after my Longlegs had gone out when bold as brass in walked young Thomas II. Without even a by your leave. I was preparing to tell him off when I noticed he carried a mouse in his jaws. He dropped it by my seat and told me he'd brought me a gift as he knew I couldn't hunt at the moment. Here we have a kitten (though larger than most) who can still go out and hunt and who displays both kindness and respect to the older generation. Needless to say I will have to revise my opinion a bit since I've been proved wrong. I thanked him gratefully and we talked for a while until I saw his eyes start to glaze over at my stories when I sent him off to play with his friends.

  The mouse lay there quivering on the floor until Thomas II had gone. Then sticking his head up he glanced at me and asked if I was going to eat him. Knowing full well that my teeth aren't strong enough any more and my tastes have changed since I started getting my chicken regularly I told him “No, I'm not. You can disappear now but say nothing to anyone or I'll catch you and eat you.”

  “OK Guv'nor” he said and sprinted off. It seems even mice don't know how to talk properly any more.

  It's made me remember that my parents must have thought the same things about me as I now think and no doubt Thomas's children will think about him. Maybe the world hasn't changed quite as much as I thought, just my perception and memories of it.

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  Oscar is Insulted

  So strange what a few words can do isn't it? You can make someone happy or sad, angry or calm.

  'The Her' was lying in her sleeping place this light when she had a visitor. I was lying with her to protect her of course and when the visitor arrived complete with black bag and when she started putting a needle in my 'The Hers' arm which filled with blood I was alarmed. Being sensible I didn't attack straight away but sat up and asked my 'The Her' if she was OK and if I should attack. She seemed calm enough but then I heard the Longlegs say “ I'd swear your pet is talking to you, he's almost human isn't he?”

  You can see what I mean about what a few words can do can't you? PET ? What does she mean Pet? Yes, I know the word of course, but dogs are pets, rabbits are pets but Cats are Superiors. We have been looking after Longlegs for about 9500 years now so she could have got her facts right.

  Another thing. Fancy suggesting that I might be like a human. Why on earth would I want that? I mean, just look at us.

  CAT Longlegs

  Feline.Superior Homo Sapien. Inferior.

  Flexible bodies Awkward, gangly, limited movement.

  Quick reflexes Slow reflexes. The only thing they catch is a cold.

  Retractable Claws. Short claws permanently out.

  Night Vision. Bumble along in the dark.

  Acute Hearing. Only hear low frequencies easily.

  Rapid Breeding. Have to wait lots of light times to give birth.

  Added to the last is the fact that their kittens are born not able to look after themselves or walk. But look at Superior kittens, able to walk, able to look after themselves after a very short time and able to hunt vermin after a short time too. When has a human baby ever brought home a mouse? So, given these facts do you really thank I'd be human if I could. Isn't it much more sensible to think that the Longlegs would rather be Superior and are jealous? I decided that these few words had had an effect and that was to make me laugh (if I only could) then make me angry.

  I watched as the visitor withdrew the needle now filled with blood from 'The Hers’ arm and put it away. She then reached over to stroke me and found that I'd reacted to her words in the best way I knew how, via my wonderful needle sharp teeth which I sank into her finger to show my displeasure at her disparaging comment. Oddly enough, when she jerked the finger away she didn't try to save the blood as she had before. I on the other hand, decided enough was enough and with a word of apology to my 'The Her' dropped of the sleeping place and left the room to find a place to rest in better company. I knew my 'The Her' was not in danger ( but truth to tell, I wasn't so sure about myself). After she left I went back and jumped up on the sleeping place.

  “You are naughty Oscar” said 'The Her' “ the doctor was only trying to be friendly.”

  “ She insulted me and paid for it” I replied and lay down.

  “ I suppose you were only trying to protect me” she insisted and I saw no reason to argue as she started stroking me just behind my ears. Instead I just purred “Thank you” and fell asleep.

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  Oscar on TV

  Normally I'm not a fan of the big box in the corner that entertains Longlegs. It's far too noisy and annoying. And of course noisy and annoying is my prerogative in this house. But, I was lying comfortably next to my 'The Her' early this light when she turned it on. I was far too comfortable to move away then but prepared myself for leaving my spot and going to lie on her sleeping place.

  Before I could, there appeared something that amazed me.

  A sophisticated family of Superiors abandoned by their Longlegs who had moved away. Yes, I know what you're going to say, “Impossible” but I saw it for myself. Of course being a Sophisticated family they were determined to follow the Longlegs to the new home and settle down with them again. They're kinder than I would have been I assure you. But, I suppose with training the Longlegs could be brought into line again to look after them.

  I watched astonished as the family went out unprotected into the world and met Superiors they'd never known existed. For instance, Thomas O'Malley who was a grand character and helped them tremendously on their journey. He introduced them to some wonderful Superiors like a piano playing Princess and a magnificent pair of Siamese Superiors who sang ''We are Siamese if you please, we are Siamese if you don't please.” It was excellent though I have to say wherever the family lived it was in an area which encouraged too much singing.

  The biggest surprise of all which I am saving for you now is that all the Superiors there spoke in Longlegs talk when there were no Longlegs around. Yes, Honestly, just like my 'Take on Language' Blog it shows that we superiors share the ability to have a common language the world over, this shows that we can pick up on the language of Longlegs even though they can't seem to talk Superior. And the Superiors he
re managed it even though some of them were living on the street like Thomas or living a life of privilege like the Princess. It shows just how intelligent we are and the value of an education.

  The family were eventually guided with the help from all their new friends to the home of their Longlegs. Though we didn't actually see it, I expect they gave their Longlegs a real good talking to.

  They managed to settle down well with the Longlegs protesting that leaving them behind had all been an accident. Hmph, where Longlegs are concerned you can't always be sure.

  But don't you just love a Happy Ending. Aah. Maybe there's something to be said for the big box that the Longlegs seem to love after all.

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  Oscar on Design

  Design. Probably a word you've seen and not given much thought to, but a word that has vast importance in our lives. Let me explain,

  SUPERIORS. Four legs, an agile body that can twist when in the air and ensure landing on all fours. We are light, we are sleek. We have a beautiful fur covering to ensure we're not cold and it's waterproof too though I'd prefer not to mention water (ugh) if I can. We have wonderful whiskers with which we can gauge whether we can get through a space, though inevitably we can.

  DOGS. Four legs, a reasonable agile body though obviously not as good as a Superiors. Can land on all four feet from the air sometimes but not always. They're heavy, they're not very sleek except for a few, Greyhounds, Whippets, Borzois etc. They have a good fur covering though it's not as soft as mine, I mean as soft as a Superiors. They have whiskers but rarely the intelligence not to get stuck in tight places.