Memoirs of a Superior
Page 15
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Usurpers
I have returned from my holiday to find I have been usurped. In a large cage in pride of place are two animals hat should never be seen in the home of a self respecting cat like myself. RATS of all things. Worse still the Longlegs have tried to humanize them by giving them names, Penny and Amy. I ask you, who gives names like that to rodents?
I am trying to rise above the situation by pretending I don't see them or better still that I am ignoring them. After all I don't want anyone to think senility is setting in.....which it obviously is with my Longlegs. How dare they bring these creatures into my home after all the years I spent hunting them as pests and now they drop an 'S' and call them pets. Absolutely ridiculous.
It is a little funny though that I can walk into the room and watch them eyeing me up to see if I'm about to pounce. They stop whatever they're doing to watch me as I studiously pretend to ignore them. They're quite funny really and from the corner of my eye I can see their antics. Penny is a thief of any food that isn't nailed down and in that I include anything that happens to be in her sisters hands at the time. This morning I saw her fly down the ramp from the penthouse carrying a peanut in it's shell. She deposited it on the ground floor in her cache then shot back up her ladder to the first floor to see if there was anything for her from the Longlegs, No? So she shot straight up the ramp to the penthouse and pinched the nut that Amy was trying to open. That also went down the ramps to the store leaving neither of them with anything to eat until those silly Longlegs gave them another one each. And how undignified the Longlegs are with their constant
" Hello beautiful Penny, who's a pretty girl" etc. when in fact I'm the beautiful one around here and they should be giving me treats and hugs now I'm back.
I believe a few sessions of missing my litter tray are in order to regain me some attention or the gang will be laughing at me soon. I think I may also train the rats to co-operate with me in a finger nibbling session when the Longlegs place their hands near. I will leave them in peace in exchange for that and the Longlegs will see I'm the one they need to take care of from now on.
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Tale of a Tail
I really don't understand. I have given the rats Penny and Amy ( stupid names in my opinion. They should be called Ratty and Another Ratty ) space to settle in. I have treated them with disdain when I've walked by the cage and no-one could suspect I may eventually have other plans for them. Mmmm, dinner.
Anyway, I confess that curiosity got the better of me. This morning I went to the cage
(Hmph, they even warrant their own luxury quarters. This has to be brought to an end). , lifted my self on my rear legs and put my paws on the edge of the table. One of them, Amy I think by her darker colouring, came forward and was almost nose to nose with me at the cage. Her nose was twitching to get the smell of my superiority no doubt when I felt a tug at my tail. I know I have a habit of waving it about when something catches my interest. But my interest is not supposed to catch my tail. I looked down and there was Penny trying to pull my tail in through the bars, probably intending to pull the rest of me through with it. As a Superior (THE Superior actually) I did not scream when I felt the grip she had on me with those ratty teeth. But, there was no way I could allow this state of affairs to continue. Not in my own house.
Gritting my teeth together I told Amy than if Penny didn't desist I would make a meal of her. I didn't think she understood but after a moments pause ( nearly said paws then)
I heard her say to Penny, " Stop sister. no point in making an enemy of this cat and I doubt he's edible anyway".
THIS CAT !!!! Who does she think she's talking about.
But Penny looked up at her sister and released the tail reluctantly. "But I liked playing with it" she said.
"I shall overlook this incident" I told them both, "but you'd better be prepared for war if you ever do that again".
Swinging my tail round, I licked it clean at the point where the teeth had been without showing that more than just my pride was a little hurt. I mustered all my dignity and turning round, walked away.
My first job after I've checked my food dishes is to see whether any of the gang know of a good recipe for Rats. Not that I shall mention why. I would never live it down. They already wonder why there are two rats in the house as If I'm not the Superior who makes these decisions. I had to lie and say I wanted the Longlegs to have company while I was away. But now I think my Longlegs deserve a short sharp lesson for putting me in this position. I think some claws extended massage is due tonight in the pretence of settling down on their knees.
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Fair Play for Rats. An appeal by Penny and Amy
"Penny stop eating or you'll explode, come over here and hold up this hook. That's it, now I'll just get through the gap and hold it from the other side so you can get through. Why would you want to get though? Well I thought you were going to help me put our side of the story here? Oh, you'd forgotten again. Right, just put down that peanut and hold this before someone comes."
"Can't I just take it with me wherever we''re going Amy"?
"Better not Penny since we don't want to leave clues that we left home without Longlegs help."
"Right Penny, we made it. This is the box I've seen the Longlegs use and also that smug cat who thinks he's better than us. Him pretending to ignore us but I see those whiskers on the go twitching at our every move. OK now Penny. you have to listen. I need to press these buttons and will ask you to press some too. Yes, it's important, and yes you can write the pretty words."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "Penny, don't lean on the letters please!"
HELP, we are two Lady Rats being held against our will inside a cat infested house. I know he will tell lies about us so that he doesn't have to tell his friends we have taken his place in the affection of the Longlegs.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "Penny, get your tummy off the keyboard please!"
To resume..... You will no doubt hear that we took a piece from his tail which is not true. He was leaning on our home and licking his lips when my sister decided to see if she could get him through the bars-as she does with everything- and had to get a good grip with her teeth to allow her to brace herself with her hands. No malice intended. I want the world to be aware that we are not here by choice and that I was caught on the last dash for freedom I made.
"Penny Dear, don't try and eat that please, you'll cut off the electrickers we need to send this message."
To resume...... Please disregard anything the cat says about us until you've heard our side of the story but be prepared for squeals if he attempts to make a meal of us. His squeals I mean. But, if you want to rescue us from this environment, we'll be most grateful.
"Yes Penny, I know you're hungry, we can go back now. You just write the pretty words at the end and sign it.!
HALP US PLAESE
LOVE FORM
PENI NAD AMI.
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Strange Start to the Day
Something strange is going on. I can't quite put my paw on it but my whiskers are bristling and that's a sure sign. Of course it could also mean that a great wet is coming from the sky as well, but I don't think it's that.
We all know I creep into this room once 'The Him' has left so I can leave a note for all my fans out there who understand how to treat Superiors and like to know what I'm doing.
Let me start by saying I got up this morning and all seemed fine, well as fine as it can be with two interlopers in the house. I refuse to call them guests since I certainly didn't invite them. There really are times when the Longlegs shouldn't be allowed out on their own. Still, I'm sure I got my message across to them the other day and they won't tangle with me in a hurry. Anyway, I was up. I didn't feel like walking in the direction of the lounge just then so I thought I'd pay a little visit to 'The Him'. I was shocked to find he was already up too and working on the writing box that I 'borrow'
to speak to you all. As I got closer I could hear him huffing and puffing as his fingers tapped harder and harder. P L E A S E S T O P S E N D I N G M E H O R O S C O P E S he stamped out saying it out loud as he wrote. I have no idea what they are but anything starting with horror can't be good. He saw me and leaned down "Hello Oscar old boy" he said, "do you want your breakfast?" And without being asked too.
He carried my dishes through the lounge to the food room, passing by the cage with the rats as I followed him. He put the think on that makes water hot and then instead of scratching my ears while we waited he took some crunchy things from a packet and went to feed the rats FIRST!! BEFORE ME!!!!!!! His paw was at a funny angle passing things through the bars and before I could warn him that he's get pulled into the cage, one of them took the titbit from his pinched fingers as the other one got a grip on another finger with her teeth. I expected a squeal, either from him at the pain or her as he squashed her for her cheek, but no, he laughed and said "Patience Penny, yours is here" and gave her a treat. He's obviously gone mad.
He did my dishes and gave me breakfast. Then I saw him put some bread on to brown for himself and make himself a drink. He carried my dishes through and I left him to his meal while I had mine. As I came back there he was feeling them the crusty bits. I left in disgust and went to see my 'The Her'.
I had just settled down when 'The Him' came through with a drink and a plate of browned bread. "Thank you Dear " she told him, "but please take it through to the lounge and I'll join you there so I can feed the girls the crust." He swivelled round and headed back saying "Righto my Dear". The world has gone rat mad. Do they not know these are rodents in the house of a Superior? It's unheard of, or at least it should be.
After a little nap I went through to 'borrow' the writing box to tell you all of the indignities I'm suffering and there on the place where I tap I found hair. Rat hair, where I work. Please don't tell me they've escaped. But I looked carefully about and couldn't see them. I made my way to the lounge and there they were still caged up. I was just breathing a sigh of relief when they noticed me. One of them smirked while the other one just put her head down and crunched into a peanut shell. It was very unnerving.
I've come straight back through to tell you all about it as I don't understand how these hairs got from that room to this and up onto the table where this box sits. If anyone has an answer please let me know, and if anyone would like two rats just let me know.
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Confrontation and Lies
I decided to take a walk round my village this morning just to make sure all's well. It's been a few days since I did so. As I was getting to The Fursty Ferret I saw Ginger and young Frisk, a newcomer, talking. Or rather Ginger was doing the talking and Frisk the listening. I wandered over in time to hear Ginger saying "And I don't suggest you say a word about it from now on".
"About what Ginger?" I asked.
"Oh hello Oscar, nothing important" he said.
"I was just asking if it's true that two rats rule the roost in your house" said Frisk with what looked like a smirk.
"I don't know who you've been listening to kitten" I said, "but make no mistake, I'm still as much in charge there as ever."
"Just what I've been saying" added Ginger.
It was easier to feign indifference to what Frisk said than to actually work out in my mind whether what I'd said was true since the unfortunate incident with my tail, but I wasn't about to voice my doubts.
I continued with my stroll as though nothing was wrong but it worried me that a newcomer could so easily voice thoughts that made me look silly in front of my friends. I have to fix this and quickly I thought. With a new determination I turned and headed for home. Just inside the gateway there was a rustle and quick as a flash I pounced showing Frisk and Ginger who seemed to have followed me that I'd lost none of my speed. It was a small field mouse and as my jaws caught it, the mouse played dead. I realised to my relief it was a mouse I'd caught before and had asked to play dead in exchange for it's life. From the corner of my mouth I spoke to Frisk "Do you really fink anyone oo cud catch a mouse vis fasht is not boss at home?" I didn't wait for his reply but went indoors. Inside I made sure I avoided the screaming Longlegs and went straight to an open clearway and dropped the mouse outside again. "You're lucky I didn't bite" I said "now why not find somewhere else to live?"
I went to the room for sitting and stood before the cage where the rats live. Hmm, daylight, they're asleep I thought. I called out."Hey rats, come on out and talk for a minute".
Two heads duly appeared followed by two bodies that stretched out from sleep and lastly came two tails, huge long hairless things.
"What do you want?" said Rat 1
"Is it food time?" said Rat 2.
" Stop thinking about your stomach Penny " said Rat 1 "it's almost dragging on the floor."
"Listen" I told them, "I want a truce and a little favour!
"Have you got anything to eat?" said the one called Penny"even a little tail would do." and I swear there was a little snigger there.
I picked up one of their chocolate drops between my teeth and leaned towards the cage. Penny came to take it and as she did I caught one of her whiskers. "Ouch"she said.
"Perhaps it's time I made meal of something "I said and let go.
"I repeat, what do you want" said Rat 1.
"As we both have to live here, I suggest we make the best of it" I replied, "but, as you have your own little kingdom here and I have mine everywhere outside your home, if you help me regain my good name I'll agree to leave you in peace."
"Sounds reasonable" said Rat1 "so what's the favour you want?"
"I need to carry one of you outside in my mouth to show I'm still the Superior here. After I've been seen I'll bring you back unharmed."
Rat 1 whispered to Rat 2 before turning back to me and saying. " We agree. You can carry Penny out and I'll watch to make sure you keep your word."
Clever, I thought, making sure that one made sure she was safe. Easy to see who was the brains. When I opened the cage and Penny came towards me it was easy to see who was the stomach too.
I took her in my teeth and carried her outside. We were approaching the gate where Ginger and Frisky were still sitting when Penny said quietly " Is there anything to eat out here?"
I shushed her and lay her inert body on the ground near Frisky. " So the rats rule the roost do they? Here's one that doesn't and the other one is next."
"Sorry Oscar" said Frisky " you're obviously still in charge."
"Right"I said "I'll leave this as a gift for my Longlegs" and carried Penny back inside. My jaw was relieved when I was able to set her down. It's obvious rats don't do diets. As a thank you I got two grapes from the room for food and brought them to the cage. I saw Rat 1 say thanks and start to eat while Penny ran with hers to the base to hide it and then come back to the top."Come on Amy" she said, "share with me, after all, I was the one who went out."
"Yes" said Amy "you did" and handed over her grape. Penny started eating and Amy ran down to get the one Penny had hidden to eat herself. "Oh , you've got another one " said Penny, "that's good."
"Truce over Ladies " I said, "from now on I'm the Superior round here and if you behave there'll be more food. I left them eating their grapes.
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Oscar Gets Needled
What a day I've had. You wouldn't believe the trouble I've been to today to bring the house to order.
Let's start with this morning. In all innocence I went to 'The Him' and suggested he wake up. OK, I admit it wasn't easy to rouse him and I had to resort to nibbling his nose a bit but it's not really my fault. In all fairness he was making such a racket it was no wonder he couldn't hear me. So, I stopped the noise so he could understand what I was telling him and he had the nerve to object. I jumped off his bed pretty rapidly as I don't think the hand coming towards me was going to stroke me as I deserve. He turned his light on and seemed to glare at me.
I walked away with my head held high as he followed me muttering all the time as he does sometimes. Anyway, after I had established that I has woken him for an emergency- my dish was empty- he filled it and returned to his sleeping place. I ignored the food for now since I wasn't hungry ( but you can't be too careful) and followed him back, settling on his stomach and doing a few turns just to get comfy. I'd just about reached that stage when he sat up again moaning about his bladder or something and left. Since there was now a nice warm spot I didn't follow him but settled down.
No doubt there was no intent to distress me, but it wasn't working. There I was woken from my sleep by 'The Him' and he was picking me up and stroking my head. Now I became suspicious at this point as he wasn't chunnering, mumbling or threatening me. It became obvious there was something wrong when 'The Her' came in with a bag in her hands and he tried to put me in it. Naturally I tried to resist and in the process must have 'accidentally' caught 'The Him's' arm. There he was, screaming again about Bar Codes or something while forcing me down until 'The Her' managed to shut the zip over me. It was very undignified but I suppose that's what non-Superiors are like. I was quiet for a minute but unhappy so I started letting them know it. 'The Her' was shushing me while he was carrying the bag outside to their chariot.
It was a short journey and the smell of our destination quietened me. I knew where I was and I didn't like it one bit. Someone called my name and I was carried through to a white room and the bag was placed down. Suddenly the zip opened and a large paw came in and grabbed me by my neck. I didn't wriggle or fight as this one in white is very strong. Moments later a sharp jab in my rear followed by a quick rub and I was thrust in the bag again. Another short journey and we were home. He placed my bag on the seating place and called to 'The Her', "All done for another year Dear, shots are up to date. Would you like to come and let him out because I'm not putting my arms anywhere near the little wretch." 'The Her' opened the zip and lifted me out into a hug. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself- with good reason- and enjoyed it.