"There, there " she said "all over now Oscar. David you're such a wimp, he's as good as gold aren't you boy?"
I limped off to have a little food from my dish and then came back to the seating place for a catnap. I was just settling down to rest when Rat 1 spoke up, " Hey cat, I hear you've been out today , well I can see the bags under your eyes or rather the bag that was around them but don't get needled with me." I could hear her laughing as I tried to sleep. Just as I thought the day couldn't get any worse I heard 'The Her' talking to the box in her hand. "Yes, you can collect him on Thursday evening and we'll be back on Sunday night. We're going away for a few days." I knew that meant I was going away too but not with them. Another little holiday for me at the Superior's Hotel where I never get enough to eat, don't get the strokes I deserve and don't get to share a comfy sleeping place with my Longlegs.
Like I said, I've had quite a day.
(back to the top)
My Holiday in Prison
Well, the dark time they called Thursday evening arrived. I know this because yet again I was roused from a catnap and thrust unceremoniously back into the bag they'd used for me before. It was so unfair as I wasn't prepared and was therefore unable to defend myself as I should. Also, as it was 'The Her' that did the thrusting while my 'The Him' held the bag this time I was not prepared to run my claws down her arm.
I was in the bag and was showing I wasn't happy about the situation by alternately demanding to be let out and shamelessly pleading to be let out. Neither was working and neither of them seemed to be even trying to comfort me, or as my 'The Him' calls it, "Getting the little blighter to shut up."
A new voice was added to the mix and from my, not such a vantage point, I saw a pair of Longlegs legs approach. Having a rough idea of what was to come I upped the pleading. A strange set of smells was attached to the legs which came right up to my bag. I knew they were not coming to my rescue when the bag rose into the air and I found my self uncomfortably close to the smells that attended this Longlegs . "Quite a vocal cat isn't he" she said to which 'The Him' replied
"Oh yes, a real master of the CAT-erwauling " which I didn't think as clever as he did. 'The Her' did at least come towards the bag as I was being carried away from my home in to say she'd miss me and asked me to be good. GOOD! what's that supposed to mean?
I in my bag, found myself placed in the back of a box shaped chariot by the smelly Longlegs, who got into the front, started it going with a roar and shot off away from the house. At that point I knew I could give up the pleading and in an effort to assert my Superior dominance change to informing this Longlegs of my requirements regarding treatment. I couldn't quite believe it when she turned on one of those boxes that issues music which all but drowned me out. How rude.
Eventually we stopped and a clearway was opened. The smells I had caught from the legs were much stronger now and I could make some of them out individually from various quarters. Cattle, horses, goats and even some Superiors. My bag was lifted and I was taken inside a building and the clearway shut behind me blocking off some of the smells, but the Superior's one remained and was stronger. Through another clearway and my bag was placed on the ground and the top opened. I lifted my head and looked out. There was a row of cages at ground level and I was in one while from some of the others I was met with inquisitive eyes from other 'holidaying' Superiors. My bag was turned on it's side so that I fell out with no grace at all. The bag was removed, a hand came down and patted me on the head then was withdrawn and the cage closed. Away went the legs, off went the light and a clearway closed. There was momentary quiet until suddenly all of us started asking each other who we were and what we were 'in for.'
It was a long dark time and I admit I did sleep a little on quite a comfortable bed that was in the cage. There were old smells of other Superiors who'd slept on it too. Then the light time came and with a bang the clearway opened. A clattering followed as the Longlegs from before approached laden with a tray full of dishes. I knew it was she from the attendant smells which clung to her like a coat. She started opening cages and placing food dishes in with each of us. As my cage opened I started to make a break for it but a hand grasped my neck as she said " Oh no you don't my lad. You'll have to get up earlier than that to escape me." The food was placed beside me and the cage shut again.
It was beef, my favourite but before eating I set up howling at the indignity of being caged and my fellow prisoners joined in. I let them take up the chorus before I started eating and listened to the Longlegs try to quieten everyone down. As she couldn't she placed the food dishes down quicker and ran, closing the clearway behind her.
A little later she returned and opened a section of cage behind me which opened up into a run to give me some exercise. I took advantage of the opportunity to have a stroll and when I returned a little later I found my nieces Maddy and Millie in a cage next to mine. It seemed my Longlegs weren't the only ones going away for a few days. We greeted each other and I introduced them to our new companions.
You'll be pleased to hear I'm not going to bore you with events or lack thereof during this light time, the dark time that followed and the new light time, as they followed the same pattern. Food, exercise and the occasional annoying of the Longlegs who came with food by a concerted effort at pleading by us all. This was no position for Superiors like ourselves to find ourselves in. Instead I shall take up the story from later in the light when I heard a familiar sound. It was my Longlegs chariot drawing up. It has a very familiar sound to me, rather like the cough of an ancient Superior who can't quite catch their breath. Hrwch, hrwch, hrwch.
This was followed by the clearway opening and my 'The Hers' voice saying " Where's my baby boy, where's Oscar?" as though she couldn't see me in front of her, it was mildly embarrassing. There too was her kitten who'd come for Maddy and Millie and who was making the same strange greeting noises. Back into our bags we went and were carried out, all of us, to the chariot where I was placed on the knee of 'The Him', Maddy on the knee of 'The Her' and Millie on the knee of her kitten. Ugo, the kittens partner was driving the chariot. We all sounded our "Glad to see you's" and "why did you leave us there" at the same time and as Ugo took a corner a little fast my head shot up and the zip went at the top of the bag. My head poked out. "Freedom " I called and 'The Him's hand descended and started stroking me. I couldn't help my reflex action which was to purr. Very undignified when I should have been telling him off but it was just so satisfying.
We reached home and my bag was placed on the ground so I could get out and check everything was OK. The kitten, Ugo and my nieces drove off leaving me alone with my Longlegs. I allowed them to fuss and feed me for a while before going off to find my own bed and settle down where I belong.
(back to the top)
Undefeated with a Dignified Retreat
No-one is going to believe this but I was actually starting to feel sorry for those rodents when they were left alone by the Longlegs designated to look after them when I went on holiday. They were a bit thirsty when 'The Him' and 'The Her' returned.
My feeling sorry for them was soon to go away.
Last night I went to take my place on the long seat next to 'The Her' . As I jumped up I notice one of the rats was free, the cheeky one called Penny. I was about to warn my 'The Her' when she put her hand down and started stroking it. Yes, you heard me right, she was actually stroking it. I sat down and decided just to ignore it. After all, I have no need to show my prowess at hunting yet again. I was settling into place when the damned thin actually came up to me and started snuffling at my fur. I stood up fully expecting that to be enough of a warning but all it did was try to run between my front legs as though I was providing it with a tunnel. Let me tell you now that I batted it with a closed paw and hissed my displeasure. Did it run? No it didn't. Instead it pulled on one of my whiskers which made me turn my head and almost unbalanced me. My hiss was really loud. Fearing the kind of damage I could inflict I decided to make a disc
reet withdrawal, which I did quite quickly to another seat.
I saw 'The Him' go over and start to play with it. It was really disconcerting since he doesn't do that with me. Granted I am not always nice to him but he's only a Longlegs so what so you expect. Anyway he sat on the end of the long seat and the rat ran between them, Suddenly it darted into 'The Him's pocket. There was a rustle and out it came clutching a packet of tissues in it's mouth. It bit into the end and pulled out a whole tissue. I expected such anger at this nerve but both Longlegs laughed. I do not understand it. After a few pulls like a tug of war the tissue was retrieved but she kept doing it again and again and again. He didn't seem to mind.
'The Her' picked Penny up ( far too gently in my book) and returned her to the cage where the rats belong. I stirred myself ready to go and sit on her knee for my well deserved strokes but she pulled the other one out. Amy, the one with the brains. No way was I going over there yet. That was for the safety of the rat of course.
It seemed a long time before they returned this rat to the cage but she wasn't as playful with the Longlegs and 'The Him' soon came back to his seat so I favoured him with my presence on his knee and allowed him the privilege of stroking me. There are times when my generosity knows no bounds but we do have a duty to look after our servants I suppose. I cast a few glances at 'The Her' in case she wanted to apologise and ask me over but she seemed preoccupied with building something. Lots of pieces of that thick , hard, paper stuff slotted together. In the end it was a large square filled with little rooms and holes between each one. You know what she's done don't you. No wonder I don't understand these wretched Longlegs sometimes. She's built them a run to put on the floor. Why? They have a perfectly good cage there. I think tonight one good wee should see the end of that and I should be back as Top Dog ( how I hate that expression) in my own home again.
(back to the top)
Oscar's New World Order
It was CATastrophic. There I had been, contented after my sachet of prime beef and ready for sleep. Within minutes I was in a world I couldn't recognise, couldn't understand and didn't like.
I had walked to the village to check on my interests and seen small groups of the local cats and kittens along my way. In the centre by the Fursty Ferret sat Ginger or rather stood like a Longlegs reading from a paper tacked to the wall. "What are we to do Oscar?" he said "we can no longer be friends."
"What rubbish is this Ginger" I asked, " how can we not be friends after having been so for such a time?"
"It's no longer to be allowed since this new Cat Council has come into being."
"Cat Council? What are you blathering about Ginger."
"Read it" he said.
By Order of the Cat Council.
Let it be known in the world of Moggies that the Council has in it's wisdom decreed changes that are to be implemented immediately.
No more will there be mixing of breed.
From now on Pure White Persians are the true breed and are selected for rule. Only they shall sit on the Council.
Ginger and marmalade cats are to be the troops under the direction of the Council and who are to enforce the rules.
Black cats are the workers and are to perform all the duties decided for them by the Council and told to them by the troops.
Manx Cats are to be pitied and laughed at.
No groups are to socialise with each other since obviously only Pure White Persians are worth socialising with. We, the Council will decide whether anyone from one group can rise in the ranks to another- simply they can't.
All worship shall be decided by The Council. We shall decide on a deity suitable for each rank. That deity shall be governed by the rules of the Council.
If any kitten should be found playing in a way thought not suitable or playing with a kitten from another group, that kitten can be beaten by the Deity's Pastor of the flock. Especially if they are found to be playing with others of the same sex.
Any older kittens found to be with others of the same sex will be ostracised from all groups and deemed to be unclean.
Signed
Supreme Mog
" But this is patently ridiculous Ginger" I told him." We're far too civilised to live this way. Just ignore it, obviously a big joke."
"But......" he said, and at that moment I woke up. I laughed to myself. How silly, I thought. After all, no-one could live like that could they?
(back to the top)
Oscar Gets a Kitten
I've seen it but I don't believe it. It's uncanny just how silly my Longlegs can be the minute I let them out of my sight.
It was three lights ago when I saw them heading out of the clearway to their chariot. 'The Her' even shouted goodbye but I was too busy yawning and stretching to respond properly, I did however send a thought in their direction that I required some nice fresh chicken. Sometimes they're quite clever and catch the thought, other times they're just so obtuse it a crime.
I occupied my time properly while they were out with sleeping, stretching and sleeping some more. After all, you must be very careful not to overdo things there days. I was lying on 'The Her’s' sleeping place basking in the warm light that comes through the clearway as I didn't want to go through to where she has those rats of hers. They can be very rude sometimes. Anyway, I have no idea what she sees in them at all and should really be reprimanding her for not being available whenever I want her. Even 'The Him' seems to have more time than she does. There will have to be a reckoning soon.
Some time passed and the light had moved a bit. I roused myself as there was a need for food. Roast rat on a stick appealed but there was no chance of that. Just then the clearway opened. In came 'The Him' carrying what looked like a kitten box followed by 'The Her' saying "Hello my baby, see what Mummy has got, Such a surprise."
"It is a kitten " I thought, " but she'd better be referring to some nice tender chicken or else". She wasn't. Bags of shopping were strewn everywhere in their food room but nothing came out for me. Instead they gathered round the cages in the room of seats and started making the strangest cooing noises. 'The Him' ran out and came back with a new cage like that of a Chinese bird, sat down, opened the cage door and proceeded to place some pieces of paper and food inside. 'The Her' opened the kitten box. I was about to tell her no kitten was going in a cage in my home when out of the box she drew 'Another Rat'. Not just any ordinary rat either, it was obviously a kitten and quite small but it's ears, Ohh it's ears, they were big. I'm talking BIG here. They were like conch shells sticking out. Already I'm alternating between boredom and anger. After all, what need have we of another rat? What need have we of ANY rats I ask.
They spent more time putting the creature now called Bernadette in the cage and trying to stroke it before standing the cage on top of the big cage with the Cruella sisters in. I'm half past bored now so I wandered off to the food room. I could smell no chicken for which there bill be payment but I did manage to find a rather nice parcel of ham which tided me over till tea time. I even felt so much better when I heard the squeal later " Julia, that cat, YOUR cat has had my lunch". Soooo satisfying.
Anyway, I've decided not to let them out of my sight for a while. Three rats in the house is three rats too many albeit one is too young to be rude yet. I'm waiting till they realise that it's chicken or nothing next time. And in the meantime I'm going to occupy the knee of one or other of them and get all the attention I can.
(back to the top)
A Black Day for Oscar
The Longlegs had gone out and the smell was tormenting me. A lovely rich heady smell that tickles the nostrils and makes you want to eat it and here I was stuck inside with no clearways open and unable to get at it. I know I've smelt it before but I can't remember where. I suppose I shall have to be patient.
That's long enough. My patience has worn thin. I went to look through one of the clearways to see if I could see where the smell was coming from but I got a little tangled in the clearway covering. Trying to wrest myself f
rom the grip of the covering I perhaps pulled a little hard because they came down with a snap and covered me even more. As they fell, unfortunately they brought down one of those tall things my 'The Her' puts her flowers in. I hope they're good with puzzles.
At last a key in the lock. I shot across the room and reached the clearway just as it opened. I shot out. "Oscar" they shouted in unison and 'The Him' tried to grab me as I went past. Last I saw of him he was on my level struggling to get up. I admit I shouldn't have sniggered as I looked at him because before I knew it my feet were feeling warm and the smell was very close indeed. I finally looked down. My feet were black.
The smell was coming from the surface of the road which had been freshly covered in black stuff. I turned and pulled my feet from the road one by one moving back towards the grass of the garden. The heat was leaving my feet but now my pads felt quite hard. They were covered from pads to ankle in black smelly stuff that had been spread across the road. As I got to the grass I lay down and tried to remove the layer of black that had attached itself to me. I went home through the still open clearway and as I hit the wooden floor my pads were tapping as though I wore the Longlegs shoes. It was undignified to have people hear me coming. I went to my 'The Her and expressed my dismay that she would not try to keep me in, and dismay that she did not make more of an effort to keep me in. She as usual feigned indifference to my words as though I do not make myself understood. I'm sure I do.
Memoirs of a Superior Page 16