Before she began today’s treatment, she lay down in the bed and waited for her doctor to show up. Like clockwork, suddenly there was a knock on the door and a tall man wearing a lab coat carrying a clipboard poked his head through the doorway.
"Afternoon, Jenn!” Dr. Samuel Blake, M.D., flashing Jenn a sparkly smile from the doorway, was one of the best nephrologists in the area. He had Jenn’s routine down pat.
Jenn was 21 years old the first time she collapsed, she was singing during her church choir’s rehearsal. After running a series of immediate tests, it was determined, she had lupus, an autoimmune disease that inhibits the body’s ability to fight off bacteria, viruses and germs. Given the frequent and severe complications of her diagnosis — kidney failure, blurry vision, respiratory inflammation — the doctors at her hometown hospital recommended she begin treatments with Dr. Blake; she'd been seeing him ever since.
Today, Dr. Blake hooked up Jenn's IV and measured her blood pressure. Then, examining her chart, he frowned. "It looks like the last time you were here you had some blood in your urine, which could mean internal bleeding," he explained. "Just for good measure, I'm going to take a peek around," Dr. Blake muttered, switching her IV out for propofol that would numb her abdomen and lower body. "You should start to feel this in a couple minutes. While we wait, why don't you tell me a little about how you've been? We don’t get much time to just chat."
"Okay," Jenn said. "Work is going okay. I've been having trouble reading lately, so I got new reading glasses. It's just the blurriness again —"
"That should go away in time; it comes and goes. Are you still doing that bank work?”
"No, I’m a receptionist for local lupus awareness nonprofit now. It's not glamorous, but I really like it. I didn’t tell you that before? I’ve been there for almost a month now, and I finally feel like I'm making a difference." Jenn beamed. Her journey with lupus had been a long one, and she wanted to make sure other people knew what lupus was and how to treat it. "Um, what else? Oh, my sister is coming into town next week. I'm excited to see her."
"Where's she from?"
"Los Angeles. She’s kind of—" Jenn looked away, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment. "Well, we’re pretty different. You might see if you meet her. But anyway," she rushed on, "she might stop by if she gets a chance.” Jenn yawned; the anesthetic was beginning to set in. She poked herself in the stomach and experienced half the tactile awareness as usual. "I think its working."
"Good. I'm going to touch certain areas and ask you if you can feel it. Just keep talking. How old is your sister?"
"She's 28.” Jenn's speech was beginning to slow. Although the anesthesia numbed only her lower half, she felt the calming effects of the propofol coursing warmly through her blood until she was fully relaxed.
"Jenn? What can you feel now?"
"I feel ... sleepy."
Pinching the skin on Jenn's stomach lightly, Dr. Blake smiled, and creases formed up his face and met his slick, black hair. "Good. Just lie back and close your eyes."
Obeying the doctor's instructions, Jenn shifted her body in the hospital bed; her eyelids grew heavy. As she watched Dr. Blake busy himself with equipment below her waist, her eyes began to shut involuntarily.
As she drifted off, Jenn could see flashes of light through her eyelids and the thoughts in her mind morphed into images in a dream.
She is running through the jungle, jumping over fallen trees and treading narrow paths. When she looks back, she can see the sharp green eyes of dozens of giant anacondas chasing her, closing in, leaping onto her. She shrieks and tries to run away, but they corner her in a cave and start biting her, striking her, penetrating her skin with their sharp fangs until her legs, groin, and stomach were in pieces. She falls to the ground in pain, whimpering, and her world fades to black.
Then, the lights flashed on again and Jenn's eyes opened slowly. Standing over her was Dr. Blake, clipboard in hand, his face somehow rosier than before, and his hand resting on Jenn's hospital bed. The curtains to the hallway outside had been firmly closed while Jenn slept, and half of the lights had been turned out — at least, so Jenn thought, since her whole head felt fuzzy now.
"All done!" Dr. Blake coughed once and exhaled heavily. "How do you feel now?”
Jenn shook her head sleepily. "My legs ... feel funny."
Dr. Blake shot her a look. "Funny how?"
"It's like.... They're still tingly, but my thighs are a little ... sore. They just feel weird." Jenn still felt half-in and half-out of consciousness, and she furrowed her brow trying to think of what to say.
Dr. Blake cleared his throat and straightened his posture. "Well, the numbness will probably take about thirty minutes to go away. You'll be able to walk soon and head on home. I've got to run now, but have a nice afternoon and I'll see you back here next week." With a nod toward Jenn, Dr. Blake brushed the wrinkles out of his coat and started toward the door.
"Wait," Jenn leaned forward in the bed. "Was there blood?"
"Huh?" Dr. Blake's brows furrowed.
"You said there ... might be blood. Was there?"
"Oh, the blood in the urine. Right. No, your organs seem fine to me. Okay, see you next week!" With no other words, Dr. Blake strode quickly out the door, letting in a sliver of light into the darkened room where Jenn now sat, alone.
Looking around at all the machines, Jenn yawned, rubbing her eyes. The tingly feeling below her navel slowly started to let up. She felt a sudden throbbing of pain as consciousness rushed back through her bloodstream; warmth flooded into her chest, her stomach, down past her hips and into her thighs. When she swung her legs over the side of the hospital bed, she felt all the blood come back to her and she gingerly put weight on both feet again to walk to the bathroom. While washing her hands at the sink, she noticed a huge pile of rags and tissues stuck at the bottom of the trashcan. “Hmm”, she thought. “They must not have cleaned very well here today. I'll have to mention that to the staff on my way out.”
It was just before rush hour when Jenn finally left the hospital parking lot, cruising down the freeway home. Jenn lived with her parents in a suburb of the city, where they could care for her in her illness in relative peace and take her to the hospital for medical emergencies. Her parents lived in the same house for all of Jenn’s life; it had worn the test of time and two kids. They lived a sheltered life before, but with Jenn’s health on the line now, her parents tried extra hard to keep her close to them. Even though they smothered her sometimes, she still adored them — and she adored her sister even more.
When Kenzie arrived on the tarmac a few days later, the sisters met with a heartfelt hug; they were happy to be reunited. The first few days packed with family dinners and tourist outings, but Kenzie decided to accompany Jenn to the hospital that week.
“How do you get used to this?” Kenzie said, peering up at the enormous hospital in front of them as they walked through the front doors.
Jenn shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s not that bad now. Actually, sometimes it’s nice to have some time away to myself.”
Kenzie burst out laughing. “Yeah, yeah, I can see that. What is it, three hours a day three times a week, Jenn?” Jenn nodded.
The sisters stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for the fourth floor. Just as the doors started to close however, a hand came reaching around the corner. The doors reopened to allow none other than Dr. Blake to squeeze in with the girls.
“Jenn, good to see you,” he said. “This must be the famous sister I’ve heard so much about,” he said, grabbing Kenzie’s hand. Jenn introduced them quickly.
A short ride later, the elevator dinged and the door opened. Dr. Blake stepped out and gestured down the hall. “I have to deal with a different patient today, Jenn. Another nurse will be in to help you.”
Jenn and Kenzie watched him walk away. As soon as he was out of earshot, Kenzie exhaled. “Oh my god, that’s your doctor? He’s gorgeous!”
“Kenzie!�
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“What? He is! I’d hop on that,” Kenzie laughed.
“Stop, Kenz! That’s gross!”
The girls reached the front desk in the renal department and leaned on the receptionist’s desk, waiting to verify that Jenn’s usual room was available. Kenzie set her bulging purse on the desk and began fishing through it for her lipstick. “I have to freshen up before Dr. Hottie comes back through here, ooh la la.” She gave Jenn a wink.
“Oh my gosh, Kenz.”
“Come on, lighten up, have a little fun!”
“Excuse me, Miss Walsh, you can go in now.” The receptionist looked up from the desk.
To Jenn’s surprise, her room wasn’t empty when the girls walked in. Crouching on the floor with a dustpan was a young man in blue scrubs, struggling to reach a few last specks of dust underneath the visitor’s chairs in the corner. The girls opened the door fully, which made him jump and smack his head on the underside of the table. “Ouch!”
“Sorry!” Jenn said. “The receptionist said this room was ready.”
The man stood up, rubbing his head, as he turned toward his new visitors. “No problem, I’m just about finished.” He ran his fingers through his strawberry blonde hair and the girls watched, mesmerized as it waved back and forth on his head. They gave him the once-over as he smoothed out his scrubs over his athletic body, his muscled arms wiping off all the dust.
“Damn,” Kenzie said out of the corner of her mouth. “Are all men at this hospital this fine?” Jenn shot her a glare.
He acted like he didn’t hear anything as he took a step forward. “Hi, I’m Steve,” he said. “Sorry about that. I’ll be out of your hair in just a minute after I throw these rags away.”
Something clicked in Jenn’s brain. “Oh, are you a janitor? No, wait — that’s not what I meant.” She turned red in embarrassment. “I didn’t mean— I just thought—“
Steve laughed. “No, no, it’s okay. I’m sort of a janitor. Technically, I’m a certified nursing assistant, but it often includes sweeping floors and getting coffee. I’m basically like a hospital intern.”
“Oh, okay. It’s just the last time I was here, there was a bunch of dirty rags in the bathroom trashcan, and I thought they were short on cleaning staff. Sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude.” Jenn blushed when Steve’s eyes locked onto her own.
“I’ll make sure it gets taken care of. You ladies have a nice day,” he said, and then grabbed his dustpan and walked out of the room.
“Oh my god, Jenn!” Kenzie laughed, her eyes dancing mischievously. “How are you not salivating over these guys?”
Jenn just shrugged and sat on the hospital bed as the nurse came in to help her with the machines. “I don’t know,” she said meekly, “I’ve never really thought about it.”
“About what? Sex?”
“Shh!” Jenn grinned sheepishly at the nurse. “Sorry, don’t mind her. She’s just—“The nurse chuckled and continued about her business. Kenzie, who loved teasing her sister, was nice enough to wait to continue the conversation, but once the nurse left again, she started grilling Jenn once more. “So you’ve never wanted to hook up with anyone? Come on, spill!”
“I mean, I’ve thought about it. I’d just rather, y’know, wait.”
“Wait for what, marriage? You sound like Mom and Dad!”
“I just want to make sure it’s the right person. It’s a big deal!”
Kenzie snorted. “Psht, a big deal. Yeah right. It’s only a big deal if you make it a big deal.”
“Like you’re some saint here! None of your relationships have lasted longer than a few months, tops!”
“Yeah, because I don’t want them to. I’m too young for a commitment. I just want to have fun, like Cyndi Lauper,” Kenzie said with a wink.
“Ugh, you’re gross,” Jenn said, and rolled away from her.
“No, hey, wait a second here, Jenn,” Kenzie said, and pulled her back. “You mean to say you’ve never done anything sexual? Aren’t you curious at all? Come on, it’s just us girls in here.”
“Stop, Kenzie, you’re being weird.” But Jenn was curious. She was 25 years old and had never been close to anyone. Her sister had always been her best friend. Jenn was lonely. Sometimes, although she would never admit it, Jenn had fantasized late at night what it would be like to sleep next to someone, to cuddle with him, to be intimate with him, to wake up beside him — to be in love. Sometimes she cried herself to sleep from the loneliness, but she was so afraid. What man would love me like this? I’m sick, shy, and scared.
Jenn swallowed. “I guess I am kind of nervous about that. No one ever talks about it, sex, I mean. What do I even do? How does it even happen? What if I’m terrible at it?”
“Okay, calm down, this must be the drugs talking. It’s different for everyone. You’ll just find someone you connect with really well, and then it’s just practice. Practice, practice, practice. Which is great fun.” Kenzie winked.
“Every time I’ve thought about it, it’s always on my wedding night and it’s both of our first times and that’s just kind of it.”
Kenzie rolled her eyes. “You’ve been watching too many romantic comedies.”
“Fine, then tell me what it’s really like. You’re the expert.”
Kenzie laughed and pulled her chair closer to the bed. “Gladly. It’s hard to explain if you’ve never experienced it, but — hmm. Well, it’s kind of like Christmas morning when you’re a little kid.”
Jenn looked intrigued. “That’s a weird analogy.”
“Just imagine it. The night before Christmas, you know the next day is coming and you feel uncontrollably excited about it. You can’t wait. Everything around you looks like Christmas and smells like Christmas and you just want to open the damn presents. Then the next morning comes and you see this huge package with your name on it. It’s the prettiest thing you’ve ever seen! When you open it, your happiness bursts because now that present is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. You can’t wait to play with it; you’re aching to touch it.” Kenzie had closed her eyes and was gesturing with her hands, getting more animated as she talked.
“And then you do. You get to take the package out and it’s all yours. It was the number one thing on your Christmas list and you feel the joy rising in your heart. You can’t think of anything else but you and that damn toy.
“That’s what sex is. You see someone you really want like that and you just ravish each other. You want each other so much that your bodies just melt together and you tear at each other’s clothes and skin until you both are aching with that desire.”
“So sex is like Christmas. Thanks for ruining yet another memory for me.” Jenn crossed her arms in a pretend pout.
“Hey,” Kenzie shrugged. “At least it’s accurate. Every man is different, like all those packages under the tree. You really don’t know what you’re going to get until you see what’s inside, but if you’re lucky, you get what you’ve always wanted. And,” she added as an afterthought, “if the guy is really good, sometimes your legs will keep shaking afterward and your whole body will be sore for a day. Now that’s really the best.”
“My body gets sore just from sitting here doing dialysis sometimes, so I’m not sure I want more of that,” Jenn said, laughing.
Kenzie looked confused. “What, this kind of dialysis? This is boring as hell— how does it make you sore?”
“I don’t know, it just sounds the same way I feel after treatments sometimes. Maybe my legs are in the same position or it’s the drugs making my muscles feel weird or something.”
“Umm, I think you’d be able to tell the difference. Whatever, how much is left of this, anyway?”
Jenn contorted her body to look at the reading on the machine. “Twenty-nine minutes.”
“I’m going to run to the vending machine really quickly. I can feel my stomach starting to eat itself, I’m so hungry.” Jenn laughed as she watched Kenzie walk away. She was glad to have some company during treatm
ent. Her body was stiff again today, more than usual; her legs felt cramped up and her hips ached. Just as she closed her eyes to rest for a moment, there was a knock on the door. It was Dr. Blake paying Jenn a visit.
“Hello!” he said cheerily, strutting into the room briskly, so his open lab coat flowed behind him. He set down some papers and a water bottle on the table by Jenn’s bed. “I was just on my way to the next ward and thought I’d stop in and see how things were going. How do you feel after last week? Do you remember much about it? You were out of it for quite a while.”
Jenn shook her head. “No, I’m okay. I felt a little strange afterward, but I’m guessing that’s just because I was so numb.”
“Hmm, well, I’ll make a note of it,” Dr. Blake said, reaching for Jenn’s IV bag.
“Anyway, what I was saying before, Jenn” — Kenzie had come back in the door without warning, munching on a huge piece of chocolate — “is you really should get yourself some cock—“ Suddenly she saw Dr. Blake fingering some buttons on the dialysis machine next to Jenn’s bed. “Whoops! Hi, doc.”
Jenn’s face had turned bright red and she buried her chin in her hands. “I’m sorry about her,” she said. Kenzie just shrugged.
After that afternoon, Kenzie stayed for another week, catching up on the family drama and having a blast with Jenn, but eventually her time ran out, and she had to return to L.A.
Chapter 2
The next few weeks were uneventful for Jenn, except for one weekend in which Jenn attended a lupus awareness weekend. It was held at the local community center, sponsored by the organization Jenn worked for. She volunteered to coordinate educational workshops, free blood pressure tests and raffle tickets. She was elated to see a throng of more than 200 people turn up to the event. It was a long weekend, but Jenn finally had a chance the last day to walk through everything with her parents. She was happy to see so many people gathered in one place to learn about a disease with many misconceptions, but she was feeling sick too. Over the past several weeks, Jenn had felt significantly more fatigued than usual and had thrown up several times. She felt near-constant dizziness and her sense of smell was out of control — like now, when she was holding a greasy slice of pizza on a plate in her hand. The wafting smell of cheese hit Jenn’s nose and her stomach suddenly lurched. She stopped, put a hand on her middle, and waited for everything to steady itself.
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