by Dinah McLeod
I laughed, and it sounded a little bitter to my own ears. “No, of course not. What would my sweet wife give me to worry about?”
Jackson laughed so hard I thought beer might come spewing out of his nose. I put up a hand as a shield, just in case.
“OK, man, knock it off,” I grumbled when he was still chuckling five minutes later.
“Look, Ethan, I’m gonna give it to you straight. Your wife is a knockout. But she is also like dynamite when she gets mad—handle with care, and then get the hell out of there.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah, that about sums it up, I guess.”
“Anything you want to talk about?”
There’s plenty I wanted to talk about, but I was not sure if I could get the words out. I still didn’t quite understand how this had happened. I knew that things weren’t going great, and I knew she was confused, but she had been preparing to leave me? The thought still left me petrified. What was worse, she didn’t even trust me enough to bring it to me, but instead had taken her complaints to a coworker. Since she didn’t feel she could disclose the real details, she just made them up as she went along.
Now I had a woman out there who I hardly even knew that thought I was scum. Who knew who else she’d told, or what she believed. She’d come into my house, looking for signs that I’d been abusing my wife, and God knew what else. Sara hadn’t even thought to warn me. At least then…but what difference would it have made, really? I’d still have felt like crap, no matter when she’d decided to come clean.
“It’s nothing. Thanks anyway, Jack,” I told him, but in truth, it was far from nothing. I felt betrayed, and completely let down by this woman who was supposed to be my partner. I hated that I had walked out on her like that, but I couldn’t stand to be in the same room with her for another minute.
“You gonna get that?”
“Huh? Oh.” I looked down at my vibrating phone and tapped the “ignore” button. It was only the fourth call in the last hour.
“You lovebirds not on speaking terms?”
“Nah, it’s not like that. I just need a little time to myself.”
Jackson nodded in understanding. He had a wife of his own, and a little boy. I knew he got the need for alone time every once in awhile. The thing was, Jackson had been married for almost three years, and I’d never known him to have any problems. I wondered, not for the first time, how many men out there were married to women they didn’t know what to do with at times.
“Hey, Jack? You and Lisa have been together a long time.”
“Yep. Too long,” he said, but he was smiling when he said it.
“What do you do? When you guys fight?” I asked it casually, but I really was curious. Maybe I’d overreacted when I started spanking her. Maybe Sara had been right about that all along.
“Let it run its course, buddy. Lisa has a tendency to throw fits sometimes. I just leave her alone until she figures out that she isn’t mad anymore.”
“Does she hold grudges?”
“They are legendary, my friend. Lisa is known for her grudges. We live in a small town, remember. That’s why everyone’s so nice to her.”
I smiled back at him, but I didn’t think it was funny. I suspected, deep down, that he didn’t either. “So you just avoid her, and hope it gets better?”
“Hope and pray, Ethan. Hope and pray. It can run for weeks sometimes, but hey? That’s just marriage, right? Everyone fights.”
I nodded and changed the topic. We talked about fly-fishing, but my heart just wasn’t in it. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t just ignore this—we’d tried that, and we’d been paying the consequences for it. God only knew what she’d go saying and to whom if I let it happen again. It was almost eleven when I told him that I had to go.
“OK, man. Great seeing you. You all right to drive?”
I chuckled a little. “Oh, yeah. I know better, trust me.” We don’t need any more tickets right now, I added silently.
When I got home the whole house was dark. At first I thought Sara was asleep, but when I walked into the bedroom I saw that she was curled into a ball, reading. I leaned in the doorway and watched her for a minute. She looked beautiful with her long hair pulled into a ponytail, her eyes expressively jumping from page to page.
“Hey,” I said softly.
“Oh,” she gasped, throwing the book to the side. “Ethan! You scared me,” she scolded, and for just a second we both forgot the elephant in the room. But only for a second.
“I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.”
She flushed slightly. “No, I am. I really am, honey. I’ve been thinking—”
“Not right now, OK? I need you to do something for me.”
“Yes, sir?”
“I want you to call Mona, and tell her that you made that stuff up.” She opened her mouth, but I shook my head firmly and held up a hand for silence. “That you embellished, or didn’t correct her assumptions, whatever. Whatever you need to say to clear things up, I want you to do it.”
“I’ll talk to her tomorrow, I promise.”
“Tonight,” I replied.
“What? Now? But honey, it’s eleven at night!”
“Then leave her a message. I want to hear you, to make sure you’re doing exactly what I told you to do.”
“I said I would, didn’t I?” she asked, defensive.
“Yes, you did. But the issue we’re having right now is whether or not I can trust you, Sara. And until you’ve proved to me that I can, I’m going to have to watch you.”
She made a face, and I could tell she was prepared to argue some more, so to make it easier for her, I went and got the phone. When I came back into the bedroom it was clear that she was pouting.
“You can call her now, before it gets any later, or I will stay home tomorrow morning so that you can tell her when she gets here. Either way, I’m going to hear you say it. Your choice.”
Chapter 12
Sara
My eyes were wide as I stared at my husband in disbelief. How could he possibly expect me to call someone at this late hour for such a stupid reason! I mean, I guess I saw how he didn’t think it was stupid, but that didn’t mean I wanted to do it.
“Fine,” I huffed, taking the phone from him. The look he gave me made it clear that I needed to watch my attitude. I dialed Mona’s number and pressed the phone to my ear, listening to it ring. I was rehearsing what I was going to say to her machine when I heard a muffled “hello?”
“Oh, gosh, Mona? I’m sorry, I thought you would be asleep.”
“Yes,” she replied, yawning. “Sara? What is it? Are you OK?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Listen, I’m sorry to be calling so late…” I glanced over at Ethan, who had backed up a few feet to give me some space. With my eyes I sent him a last minute plea for mercy, but he shook his head in a firm no. “I just wanted to thank you for coming to dinner tonight. We had such a good time.”
“I really enjoyed it, too. Thanks for having me. “
“I’m so glad. We should do it again, soon.”
“Do you want me to do it?” Ethan asked from his perch in the doorway.
“I also wanted to tell you…I wasn’t completely honest with you about Ethan’s and my relationship,” I blurted out.
“Yeah. I could tell, after a while,” she admitted.
“You could?”
“Well, it’s obvious that he loves you, Sara.”
“Yes,” I said, feeling gratified to know that she could see it. “Those things I said about him being mean to me, or not wanting to be with me…I just want to clear up any misunderstanding. Ethan is a great husband to me.”
“There’s not a doubt about it in my mind, honey. I know that the two of you were going through a hard time. Everyone does at one point or another. You just can’t let that distract you from the bigger picture, you know?”
I felt stunned. I’d always thought of Mona as the office gossip, not a philosopher. “I will,” I assured her.
“I guess I have a tendency to blow things out of proportion sometimes.”
“I understand. Just remember, I’m here if you ever want to talk. I won’t judge you, Sara.”
“Thank you,” I said, very touched.
Once we confirmed that she was still picking me up in the morning, I gently set the phone back in its cradle and turned to my husband. It was not often that I couldn’t read his expression, and it always made me nervous. “Well? How did I do?”
Ethan gave me a small smile. “Fine, honey. Thank you.”
“Is that it then?” I asked. “Are we OK again?” I wanted so badly for him to say yes, but I could tell by the way that he was looking at me that he still felt hurt.
“We are just going to have to work through it one day at a time, honey.”
“And you think we can?” I asked, my voice timid.
He walked toward the bed in two long strides, pulled me to him and delivered a firm, stinging swat to the back of my shorts. “Of course we can! We can work through anything. I’m not going to deny that this is going to be hard for me. I feel like you’ve betrayed my trust, Sara.”
“I know. But I’ll do anything I need to, Ethan; you just have to tell me what to do. How can I make it better?”
“I don’t have the answer this time, babe. I’m afraid you’re going to have to figure this one out on your own.”
“OK,” I replied obediently, but I didn’t feel very confident. It didn’t matter, though, because I just had to find an answer. I had to earn his trust back, so things could go back to normal.
***
The next morning I was still in bed when Ethan kissed me goodbye before going to work, which I took as a good sign. I knew he was still mad at me, but at least he was trying.
I was more than a little nervous about seeing Mona. I felt embarrassed about calling her so late the night before, and especially because of what I had to tell her. It probably wasn’t even necessary, since to hear her tell it, she knew I had been misleading her after spending only an hour with my husband.
When I saw her car pull into the driveway, I gave her a half-hearted wave and braced myself as I walked to the car. I really don’t know what to expect.
“Hi, Sara!” she said with a bright smile when I slid into the passenger side.
I smiled back tentatively. “Hi. How are you feeling this morning?”
“Tired, as usual,” she laughed.
“Oh. Yeah, I’m really sorry about that. I don’t usually call people that late.”
“You didn’t have anything to do with it, Hon,” she assured me, “I am not what you’d call a morning person.”
“Me either,” I admitted. We rode in silence for a few minutes and I relaxed a bit. She didn’t seem angry with me; she wasn’t acting distant, either.
“Are you OK?” Mona asked at last.
“Hmm? Oh, yeah. I’m fine.”
“You know, you don’t have to feel weird around me or anything. I meant what I said last night. I get it.”
“You do?”
“Sure. I mean, my ex and I used to fight all the time. Sometimes I got so mad that I’d whine about him to anyone who would listen. The thing is, I wish I’d had a friend who would have said, ‘hold on, wait. This is a good guy.’”
“You were married?” I asked in surprise.
“Was. We were married for three years, but…I don’t know. We got into stupid fights, said mean things, and grew apart. Looking back it seems so silly now.”
I was staring at her openmouthed. I hadn’t had any idea that Mona had ever been with anyone! She’d never mentioned it.
“I wish we had been more like you and Ethan,” she confessed.
“Um, how so?”
“Well,” she glanced at me with the hint of a smile, “more traditional?”
“Traditional?” I squeaked. What was she getting at? What did she know?
“Well, yeah. You know, you do the wifely stuff and he takes care of you. Right? That’s how it seemed last night, anyway.”
“You mean…because he’s not letting me drive?”
Mona burst out laughing, and I felt my cheeks start to heat up. “Oh, honey, stop,” she chided. “I’m not trying to embarrass you. Look, it’s obvious he takes care of you, and he loves you so much, Sara. So what if you can’t drive for a little while? Isn’t it worth it in the end?”
“I guess,” I mumbled.
“Oh, come on! You have no idea how many women would kill to have the type of marriage you have.”
I rolled my eyes and sighed. “I doubt it.”
“Don’t be so sure,” she said with a twinkle in her eye. “There are plenty of people who practice domestic discipline.”
I did a double take. Domesti-what? Wasn’t that what Ethan had called it, too? How did someone like Mona know about it? And besides, how did she even know that he’d grounded me from the car? Had he said something to her when I wasn’t there? “So, it’s really a thing?” I asked at last.
“What? Domestic discipline?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Look at me, putting my foot in my mouth!” she exclaimed, chuckling. “I’m sorry. Watching the two of you last night, I just assumed…”
“Assumed what?”
“Well, domestic discipline is basically when two people in a relationship agree that one person will have the final say. The couple lives by a set of rules, and there and consequences if they’re broken,” she explained.
“Right,” I said slowly, nodding.
“But you two…”
“Um, well.” I squirmed. This had to be the most uncomfortable conversation of all time. “Ah, yeah, I guess.”
“I’m sorry. You clearly don’t want to talk about it. You don’t have to, you know. Forget I said anything.”
Like that would happen. “I guess I kind of owe it to you to tell the truth. So, yeah. I guess that probably about sums up what we do.”
Mona just nodded like I’d said that I preferred unsweetened tea. Actually, come to think of it, I might have gotten more of a reaction out of that one. “That’s cool.”
I burst out laughing. “I wish it was! I really wish it was.”
“How long have you been practicing?”
I furrowed my brow. “Practicing? Um, a few months, I guess. Not long.”
“Whom do you talk to about it?”
“You mean, besides Ethan? You, I guess. I’ve never talked to anyone about it. Well, except my parents, but that’s another story.”
She just nodded like this is commonplace. “You know, I wish Colby and I had.”
This was news to me. “Are you serious? Why? I can’t imagine anyone wanting to do this.”
Mona shrugged at me, and all of a sudden she looked very sad. “I can understand why you feel that way. Can I ask a question? Does Ethan spank you?”
“Yes,” I said, wincing because I was pretty sure I had another one coming once he’d cooled off. After all, I hadn’t gotten off with “we’ll have to work on it” since he first started this domestic discipline thing.
“How often, would you say?”
“Um, once a month, maybe? Every three weeks? Something like that.”
She nodded, satisfied. “Yeah? Well, I would rather be married and getting spanked every three weeks, or having my car keys taken away when I did something stupid—no offense!—than be divorced.”
It took a few minutes for all the information to sink in. Mona wanted to be spanked? She wanted to be grounded, or put on restriction? I’d never considered that anyone would welcome those things. I wasn’t quite sure what I thought about it.
“Anyway, thanks for talking to me about it. I know that probably wasn’t comfortable for you, and I’m sorry. It never occurred to me that you might be embarrassed by it.”
“I am,” I admitted.
“Well, you don’t need to be. I won’t pry into your life again, I promise, but if you ever want to talk to me about it, feel free.”
“Feel free to
pry, Mona,” I said, and I put my hand on her arm to give her a squeeze. “What are friends for, right?”
“Thanks, Sara. I appreciate that.”
“Hey, Mona? Can I ask you, how do you know about it? Domestic discipline?”
“You know, it was the funniest thing. Things were going so badly for us…I found it when I was looking at divorce lawyers online. I did some research, and I thought it might work, you know? But I had too much pride to say anything. I thought he was the one who should try to fix us.”
I felt a deep pang of sympathy for Mona. I felt badly for not being a better friend to her, and I felt awful that she was so sad. “How long ago was it?”
“The divorce? It’s been over a year now. I still think about him every day though and wonder what if.”
“Have you ever told him that? What if it’s not too late?”
“No, I’ve never told him,” she said quietly. “But it is too late. He’s pretty serious about this girl he’s with now, and he deserves to be happy. I made him pretty miserable.” She forced a laugh.
I thought for the first time about how things could have ended up, with both Ethan and I getting resentful of one another, and holding grudges. It could have eventually led to us ending our marriage. The thought gave me an awful sense of loneliness.
“Well!” Mona chirped a little too brightly. “Here we are!”
I grabbed my bag I let myself out of the car. Impulsively, I walked around to Mona’s side and gave her a hug. “I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry,” she said, and I thought she was trying not to cry. “I promise, future car rides will feature nothing but celebrity diets and Jersey Shore.”
“I liked this better,” I told her, and we walked into the building together.
***
As soon as Mona dropped me off, I started dinner. I was making fried chicken, his mother’s recipe. As soon as I got the water on for the potatoes, and the cornbread in the oven, I turned on my laptop. I plugged it up to the outlet by the counter so I could read while watching the food.
I typed the words domestic discipline into Google and held my breath. Over six million results popped up. Six million! I’d had no idea it was so popular. My eyes flew down the screen, catching words such as submission, dominance, emotions in domestic discipline, HOH. Ethan and Mona had been right—people really did live like this. And from what I could tell, a lot more wanted to. It was a lot to process. I wasn’t sure if I was brave enough to actually open any of the links.