“They wanted to face me personally to let me know that they’re disgusted by their daughter’s choices yet again, but also that they have no interest in raising a child born of sin, and they’ll make sure everyone in the family knows she’s a tainted child. No big news there, right? On that note, I’m going to drive into town, pick up that precious baby and take care of her.” He didn’t wait for her to reply.
He strode to the door, head down.
She wanted him to hesitate. She longed for him to dissemble her fears, tease her out of her funk and move on through life together.
He did none of those things.
He stepped through the door, pulled it gently shut behind him and crossed the deck.
He didn’t look back. Not once.
Her chest ached.
Tears filled her eyes, then rolled down her cheeks.
Tee was studying.
Callan was watching football and pretending to do homework.
And here she was alone, again, by her own doing.
The rights and wrongs didn’t matter at the moment. Not when the hollowness in her chest weighed her down.
She reached for her phone to call him, then stopped.
This was what she wanted, wasn’t it? She’d pulled back purposely with this result in mind, a measure of firm separation between her and the man she’d come to love so dearly.
She’d forgotten how real the pain of separation could be.
A car cruised by her front windows, driving slowly toward the town. Gabe, going to pick up the baby and bring her home.
“...my carelessness cost the life of one little girl...”
How could they have thrown that up to him?
And how could you not offer comfort and warmth upon hearing it? You stood here, knowing how that must have hurt, and did nothing to assuage his guilt.
She dumped her coffee into the sink.
Her laptop buzzed messages repeatedly, follow-ups to the well-orchestrated festival. She slipped to the floor, drew the computer into her lap and answered each one with false cheer.
Yes, the festival had been a great success. But what seemed important a few months ago dimmed in the glow of real-life issues.
For a little while she’d moved forward, thrilled with the idea of having it all. But now...
She swallowed a sigh, bit her lip and kept right on pretending everything was all right as she answered questions and posts about the Christkindl.
She’d get by, like she’d been doing for so long. Only now it seemed like a shallow shadow of how sweet life could be if only she was brave enough to live it. But in her heart and in her soul Corinne was pretty sure she lacked the courage Gabe needed in a woman. And that wasn’t good for either of them.
* * *
Another miscarriage. Staying strong for Susie. Trying anyway. Heartbroken again.
Gabe wanted to throw the phone at the text from Mack.
He wanted to rail at God, at life, at fate, at whatever governed the stupidity of parenting and infertility. His friends had been so close to the dream they’d been chasing for years.
I’m so sorry. So dreadfully sorry. He texted the words back as Jessie slept in her little padded crib.
I know you are. That message came through. Several seconds later another one followed. Us, too.
Gabe’s heart broke for them. He got things ready for the morning, and made sure everything was in order for an overnight bottle. Jessie was quite predictable that way. The thought of eight hours of sleep clearly meant nothing to her.
He didn’t look out his window.
He tried not to think about Corinne next door, about Callan and Tee, so full of life. She’d shrugged him off, and the standoff with Maureen and Blake had left him unnerved.
How could people be that way? He didn’t know, but there was only so much rejection he could handle in one day. He stretched out on the couch, and didn’t turn on the late game. He needed sleep because tomorrow was a workday. When he didn’t doze off, he shut his eyes and pretended to rest. With his eyes closed, he had no reminders of the beautiful family next door, or those kisses the night before. But even with his eyes deliberately shut, he couldn’t get Corinne out of his mind, and sleep was a long time coming.
Chapter Fourteen
Corinne spotted Susie’s name on the patient roster the next morning.
No.
Susie was solidly into her second trimester, further than she’d ever gotten before. Two days ago she’d been wide-eyed with hope, and now she was tucked in the crisis pregnancy unit of the third floor.
Corinne set her purse and folders down and hurried to room 3102. She scanned the notes at the nurse’s station, then approached the room, heart-heavy. “Hey.”
“Corinne.” Sorrow filled Susie’s red-rimmed eyes. Mack’s were no better. “I was so hopeful this time.”
“I know.” Corinne sank onto the small stool alongside the bed and took Susie’s hand. She had no words of comfort for the heartbroken couple. In this line of work, you either won the race or you didn’t. There was no second prize. “I’m so sorry.”
Mack’s chest heaved.
Susie gazed up at him with such a look of love and loss that Corinne’s eyes filled, seeing it. “We’ve been here before, darling. And we’ve always gotten through. This time’s no different.”
He clutched her hand, and leaned down. “I am so mad at God right now. I can’t even describe it, Susie.” He clamped his lips tight, trying to hold back a torrent of emotion.
“God doesn’t do this,” Susie whispered, holding his gaze. She squeezed his hand lightly. “God wants us happy, Mack, but bodies are imperfect vessels. For some reason, mine doesn’t work right when it comes to babies.”
“Don’t take this on yourself.” Mack bent and pressed a kiss to Susie’s flushed cheek.
“I’m not,” she whispered. “I’ve done that in the past and it’s gotten us nowhere. There’s no time to sit around and cast blame, is there? Not when there’s so much suffering in the world. We’ll get through this, with God’s help. And with each other.”
He hugged her, swiped a big ol’ trooper hand to his streaming eyes, and nodded. “We will, honey. We will.”
“Mack, can you get me a cup of tea?” she asked. “That orange tea would be nice. The spiced one.”
“Sure.”
He left, almost glad for something helpful to do, and when he’d disappeared through the door, Susie broke down.
Corinne slipped onto the side of the bed and held her.
How hard her job was in moments like this.
She celebrated the triumphs of modern medicine and healthy babies under crushing circumstances, but this...the loss of a planned-for infant, the loss of a blessed child...
Oh, her heart ached for them right now.
Susie pulled back and grabbed a stash of tissues. “I don’t want Mack to see me like this. We were so excited, Corinne.” She smiled through red-rimmed eyes. “Halfway there, and then...”
“I know.” Susie’s report indicated no fetal heartbeat as of Sunday night. So now they waited for the inevitable.
“I wish this baby had a chance to know us.”
Corinne’s heart gripped tight. She’d felt the same way with Tee and Dave, two souls, passing in the night, with never a chance to speak.
“I’d have told him what a great dad he had. How amazing Mack is, how brave and strong and true. How I can count on him in every way. Oh, Corinne, I’d have given anything just to have a chance to tell my baby son what an amazing man his father is. Do you think he knew? Someway, somehow, in his little baby haven? Did he know how much we loved him?”
“I’m sure he did.” She whispered the words of comfort and held Susie’s hand. “I’m sure he knows it now, as we
ll, tucked in the arms of our Savior. And I don’t have any pretty words, Susie, and no way to make this better, but I truly believe that your son knows you and you’ll know him one day. Pure and perfect, in God’s kingdom. And he’ll be yours forevermore.”
Footsteps sounded in the hallway.
Mack came in, carrying Susie’s tea. “One sugar and no lemon.”
“Perfect, Mack. Thank you.”
Corinne stood. “I’ve got a meeting coming up, but I’m available the rest of the day. Let me know if you need anything, okay? Anything at all.”
They nodded, but Corinne understood the truth better than most. The one thing they needed was a successful pregnancy, and that had been denied again.
She waded through the day, and then the night, and then the day again.
She didn’t want to celebrate Thanksgiving this week. She didn’t want to pretend she was grateful when she was mostly angry.
She felt like a fake, talking to Kate about pies and cranberry relish. She didn’t care about it, about any of it. Not right now.
Susie was discharged late Tuesday, going home with empty arms and womb.
Gabe was doing a good job of avoiding his closest neighbor, and his absence only exacerbated the ache in her soul.
And Tee was trying to figure out what to do with the half day off before Thanksgiving. Callan was spending the afternoon at a friend’s, and Tee grudgingly decided to work on her long-term history project while home alone. “Although I don’t know why I can’t do something fun,” she grumbled Tuesday night. “Callan gets to do whatever he wants and I get to come home alone. Again.”
“You don’t have to come home and work on history,” Corinne reminded her. “You could go to Grandma’s house and help with the babies. She’ll have Jessie there, and Aunt Kimberly is bringing Davy over so she can help Grandma with the squash and sweet potato casserole.”
“I hate sweet potato casserole.”
That wasn’t the point, but Corinne let it slide. “But you love babies.”
Tee stared out, into the night, then shrugged. “I wanted to go to Melody’s house, but they’ve got to drive to Cooperstown to be with family. And Gen’s family is going to visit her grandpa in a nursing home for a holiday thing. And you said I couldn’t go to Jason’s house and hang out with them.”
“I don’t know Jason and I don’t know his parents, Tee.”
“I know him. That should be enough,” Tee spouted. “If you trusted my judgment.”
“It’s not about trusting you, it’s about being a responsible parent and keeping my daughter safe.”
Tee sighed.
“Should we turn on the lights?” Switching on the monstrous array of outdoor Christmas lights wouldn’t fix Tee’s conundrum, but it might brighten the dark night stretching far beyond their windows. “I know we usually wait until Thanksgiving, but I think we’re close enough. Don’t you?” She went outside and plugged in the solar-activated displays.
The yard sprang to life around her. Merry lights chased along the dock, and twinkle lights gleamed from the roofline. Ground spotlights illuminated the glowing family of deer and the beautiful Nativity set while Snoopy and Woodstock inflated in the front yard.
When she went inside, Tee had disappeared upstairs. Was she peeking out the window at the fun-filled yard? Or was she moping on her bed? At twelve years old, Tee needed to learn to deal with things a little better. Sure, life wasn’t always the way you wanted it to be, but part of growing up was developing a thick skin and moving on. She’d have fun at Kate’s house. They both knew that, but Tee was stubborn enough—and mad enough—to obstinately choose to come home on her own, and it wouldn’t surprise Corinne if she did exactly that.
* * *
As she drove into work on Wednesday morning, it seemed like the simple joys of Thanksgiving had escaped her and she had no idea how to get them back.
Maybe it’s time to ease up on the reins. To take a step back and let life unfurl as it should. You don’t have to control everything. Do you?
She never used to, she realized as an unusually warm sun bathed her car. A weak jet stream had been pushed high by a strong warm front out of the Deep South, a front that would be pushed east quickly by an approaching Midwest winter storm system. But for now the day dawned warm and dry for late November, a true surprise. Who expected T-shirt weather in late November? No one in Central New York, and yet the reality surrounded her.
Things had changed on that fateful day that took her husband’s life. She’d worked hard to raise normal, grounded children, rich in faith and hope, but she’d stood guard all the while.
Now they were chomping at the bit for more freedom, and that unnerved her a little. Some days, more than a little.
Dear God...
She started the prayer and didn’t finish it.
Her faith had been her stronghold through so much, but even that felt threatened recently. Was that her fault?
She pulled into the staff parking area, flashed her badge to security and took the elevator upstairs. Tonight she’d bake a pie and make cranberry relish and pretend everything was all right. It wasn’t, but she had years of pretending under her belt. She’d gotten quite good at it, thank you very much.
* * *
“Where are you spending Thanksgiving?” Gabe’s mother had called first thing Wednesday morning to see how everything was going. She’d called every day, just to touch base, the kind of thing that mothers do when distance creates concern. “That nice family next door? Or should I come up there and spend Thanksgiving with you? I can cook turkey there as easily as I can cook it here, Gabe.”
Gabe sidestepped her hints with an agility refined by years of his mother’s matchmaking. “We’re having dinner at the Gallaghers’ house. The folks who’ve been watching Jessie for me.”
“Good,” she said. She knew they were Corinne’s family, and that seemed to please her. There was no way in the world he could tell her that Corinne had moved herself out of the picture completely, mostly because he didn’t want to believe it himself. “And how are Mack and Susie doing? Are they all right?”
His lungs went tight. He had to pause before answering, long enough to gather his wits and his breath. “Like you’d expect. Heartbroken and disappointed that they got so close to their dream and had it snatched away again.”
“Miscarriages are like that,” she answered softly. “There’s so much silent loss and guilt involved. I’m heartbroken that this happened again, Gabe. It’s an awful wound for them.”
It was.
He’d visited Susie and Mack in the hospital. He’d watched his best friend cry when they pretended to go for a walk to let Susie rest. And he’d gotten teary-eyed right along with Mack.
They didn’t deserve these constant failures, and yet Susie refused to blame God or take out her anger on others.
Kate’s phone buzzed into his Bluetooth. “Gabe, I know you were going to pick Jess up early, but she just fell asleep. Why don’t you leave her here for a couple of hours and let her get a good nap in?”
“You don’t mind?” he asked, but he already knew the answer.
“Not at all! Waking a sleeping baby goes against everything I believe in. I’ll call you when she wakes up, and that’ll give me time to feed her before you get here.”
“Perfect. I’ll take this couple of hours to drain the boat’s oil and get it put up for the winter.”
“Pete was going to do Corinne’s, but hasn’t gotten over there yet. Maybe I’ll send him along to join you,” she suggested. “We’ll get them both done and he won’t be underfoot while we get the squash baked for tomorrow.”
He heard Pete’s laugh in the background, followed by his voice. “I can take a hint, and you couldn’t ask for a nicer day to get this done. Tell Gabe I’ll be at the lake in about fifteen mi
nutes.”
“I heard him,” Gabe told her. “Thanks, Kate.”
“No problem.”
He hung up the phone, pulled into his drive and changed into old clothes quickly. He had just enough time to grab coffee before Pete pulled in next door. “Hey, Pete. You want coffee before we get started?”
“Don’t mind if I do.” Pete moved his way and held out a travel mug. “We can make it right in here and I’ll drink it while we take care of these boats. The weather’s about to change on us, and I’ll be mad at myself for not taking care of things I should have done weeks ago. With that storm approaching, we’re on borrowed time as it is.”
“Our sweet reprieve today is coming to an end,” Gabe agreed. “The storm front is moving in fast, according to the radio.” He filled Pete’s travel mug. Thick gray clouds had started to approach from the west, and when the wind licked the curtains with a distinct chill, he closed the front window and headed toward the door. “Let’s get this done.”
Gabe stepped outside.
He stopped, stared, then pointed. “Did you move Corinne’s boat?”
Pete came through behind him. His gaze followed the direction of Gabe’s hand. “No, of course not. I just got here. Do you think someone stole it?”
A wave of wind came through again, a gust that meant the early-day respite of warmth was drawing to a swift end. “Tee.”
Pete went pale. “You think she took the boat out?”
“She had this afternoon off, right? And Callan texted me that he and Brandon and Tyler were going to the batting cages to stay in shape.”
Pete raced for the shore, peering out across the blue-gray water. “I don’t see her, and we’ve got choppy conditions already.”
“Call Corinne. Make sure she didn’t hide the boat someplace before we panic.”
Pete hit Speed Dial on his cell phone, then scowled. “It’s dead.”
“I’ll call.” Gabe hit the number, praying she’d answer. She’d ignored his text messages, but he couldn’t afford her fear to mess up this call. This one was too important.
The Lawman's Yuletide Baby Page 14