Becoming His Muse, Part Three

by KC Martin

  Dean Ascott leans back in his chair, his fingers steepled under his chin as he appraises me. I know I just dug my own grave. My own convictions have expelled me. I sigh heavily. I can live with that. I can move on.

  I stand up even though he hasn’t excused me officially. I’m not really a student here anymore so I figure the rules don’t really apply to me anymore either. Before I turn to leave, I say,

  “As the Dean of Arts, you need to make the best decision for the school, for the future that you believe in. Forget my father. Forget Logan O’Shane. And even forget me. You’ve got a school to run and a board to satisfy. I’ll accept your decision.”

  I already have. In my mind I’m running through the things I have to clean up in the studio, the contents of my dorm room, whether or not to go home and lick my wounds or call up my cousin Tess and hide out with her for a while.

  “That’s all you have to say, Miss Nichols?”

  I nod, but then think of one more thing. “I guess I’d also like to thank you, and all the teachers here. It’s not easy to do what you all do. I appreciate the effort of educated people trying to educate other people. One thing I’ve learned is that sometimes the really important lessons come at a cost. And that’s a lesson that will serve me for the rest of my life.”

  I turn to go.

  “Miss Nichols?”

  I turn back.

  “I will consider what you have said when I bring my decision before the board. Until that decision is made, you are suspended from campus. I suggest you go home for a week until we sort this out.”

  I nod. “Yes, Sir.”

  “One more thing, Ava. Off the record, of course. Though you may not end up an alumni of this college, I will personally think of you as one of its most unconventionally learned students.”

  His mouth turns up at the corners as he nods to dismiss me. I close the door behind me, knowing I’ve closed the door on a significant chapter of my life.

  Chapter Twenty Five

  Ruby had sent me a text wishing me luck with my meeting with Dean Ascott. She also said she’d be in the student union cafeteria around that time. I haven’t eaten anything since before the art opening, so I head over that way after leaving the faculty building. I still don’t have much of an appetite but I know I’d better eat something to keep my strength up.

  Walking across campus, I notice some people staring and pointing at me. I begin to worry that DnC’s stupid video has gone viral. I do my best to hold my head up high. I will welcome a week away from here while Dean Ascott makes his decision. I know my parents expect me to come home, but I’m thinking more along the lines of tracking down Logan in New York. But what if he doesn’t want me anymore? After making up and making love in the studio and then our sexy encounter during the art show, I find that painfully hard to believe, but the fact that he just ran away after last night, and hasn’t contacted me, makes me worry that something has changed drastically. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I want some answers. Ruby thinks he has a reason for leaving. Could it be that he wants me to follow him to New York?…

  Standing in line at the cafeteria, I order macaroni and cheese. While it isn’t the healthiest choice, it’s my go-to comfort food. And I need some comforting.

  I weave through tables with my tray searching for Ruby.

  I see her sitting with Sheriann. Oh great. Is Ruby filling her in on last night? They look deeply engaged in conversation.

  I overhear Ruby say, “So you’re sure about this?”

  Sheriann nods.

  “Sure about what?” I say, setting my tray down and taking a seat.

  Ruby bites her lip. The look in her eyes is strange.

  Sheriann smiles and gives me an intense knowing look. Clearly, she’s heard about DnC’s video fiasco. She says,

  “Well, Ava, I don’t know whether to say congratulations, poor you, or rock on, girlfriend.” She shakes her head with disbelief, a bit of envy, pity, and, if I’m not mistaken, admiration.

  “It’s fine with me if you don’t say anything at all.”

  “Makes sense you’d be a bit grumpy the morning after. I’m just sorry I missed it, though it will make a great addition to my exposé.”

  Sheriann’s eyes glitter with mischief.

  Ruby’s packing up her bag like she wants to leave, though only a minute ago she was hanging on Sheriann’s every word.

  “Let’s go, Ava,” she says. I’ve only just put my first forkful in my mouth. I shake my head and look at Sheriann.

  “What exposé are you talking about?”

  “It’s nothing,” says Ruby quickly. “Her writing project is an investigative biography.”

  “On Logan O’Shane,” says Sheriann. “And Ava, of all people, will not be very interested in what I’ve just uncovered.”

  I stop eating.

  “This is the research that kept you from coming to the opening last night?”

  “Yup.”

  Ruby interjects before Sheriann can continue. “Sheriann decided to do her long form essay project as an investigative biography. For some dumb reason she asked Logan to be her subject. I still can’t believe he said yes.”

  Sheriann smiles and winks. “I can be pretty persuasive.”

  A surge of jealousy flares. Ruby shoots me a worried glance. I can tell she wants to change the subject or drag me out of here… But I’m more than curious now. Why didn’t Logan tell me about this project? How often had they been meeting?

  “At first I chose him as an excuse to get a little closer to him, if you know what I mean,” says Sheriann.

  Ruby bites her lip again and then looks as if she has no way to stop what’s coming next.

  I put my fork down. A wave of queasiness washes through me.

  “I have to admit, I was confused by his lack of response to my flirtations, but after the news last night, I guess I understand why now.” She gives a little defeated sigh.

  “I interviewed him multiple times, and he never gave any indications…And as wild as his reputation has been, he’s pretty private — like, I never would have guessed you two had something going on. He really knows how to keep a secret. So I had to do some digging on my own.”

  I take a few more bits of macaroni. She can’t possibly know more than I do, so I hear her out.

  “He had a terrible childhood, an abusive father, but almost everyone knows that. But then I found out he lied about having a fiancée back in New York.”

  “Is that all?” I’ve known that since the beginning of the year, or I wouldn’t have said yes to our secret affair.

  “Yeah, I guess you would have known that part,” says Sheriann sitting back in her chair and narrowing her eyes at me.

  “But he did have a fiancée. She broke it off with him.”

  “What?” I thought the whole fiancée thing was a ruse, as story, with no basis in fact. “Logan told you that?”

  She shakes her head. “Nope.”

  “Then how do you know it’s true?”

  “I interviewed her.”

  I feel a knot of tension in my gut. This fictional fiancée character is real? And Sheriann has met her? My mind starts to spin.

  “When did they break up?” I force myself to ask this question before I fully think through whether it matters or not. If it’s way in the past, it shouldn’t bother me. But why wouldn’t he have mentioned it?

  “Right before he started here,” she says.

  My heart sinks. That’s not very far in the past.

  Sheriann’s expression is smug and proud as she carries on. “But that’s not all. She was pregnant.”

  Now the room seems to tilt.

  “She was pregnant, they were going to get married, but she lost the baby in the third month.”

  A fiancée, a baby, and a miscarriage? This was starting to sound like a horrible novel.

  “You’re sure?” My voice sounds strangely weak. Under the table, I feel Ruby place a reassuring hand on my knee.

  Sheriann nod
s. “Absolutely. Her name’s Jesse Myers. She lives in Soho. They have a pretty nice apartment.”

  ‘They’? Logan’s voice echoes in my mind… “I sublet my place for the term of the residency…” Meaning he left her there? He ran away?

  “Or had, rather,” says Sheriann correcting herself. “She’s agreed to move out before the school year’s over. After she lost the baby she could tell Logan didn’t want to get married anymore. Probably never did, she said, because of his own childhood. So they broke up.”

  “What are you going to do with this information?” I say quietly, thinking of the added material from last night.

  “I don’t know. It’s all in my draft now, for my term project. Though who knows who’ll mark it now that’s he’s hightailed it off campus.”

  She’s worried about who’s going to mark her project while my heart and future are shattering?

  She keeps babbling. “Maybe a magazine will be interested in my story, especially with the new campus affair twist.” She smiles at me. “Maybe I’ll make you famous, Ava.”

  “Please don’t.” I feel sick to my stomach. I push away the mac n’ cheese.

  I’ve stopped listening to Sheriann. I’m lost in this new story.

  It changes things. Maybe it shouldn’t, but it does. What if she hadn’t lost the baby? Would he have come here to write his book if he had a pregnant fiancée back in New York? Would he still have asked me to be his muse? Would we still be having this affair?

  Is any of this really true? But it must be. Sheriann met this woman. Her name is Jesse. Close to Jezebel, a character from one of his novels… Suddenly everything I thought I knew about Logan has shifted off its axis. Maybe I knew nothing. Maybe everything between us was a story I conjured in my imagination, and he just let me. Maybe I was just one in a long line of seduced muses.

  “I have to go,” I say. I have to get out of here while my legs will still carry me. I have to get away from this campus before I break down completely.

  ***

  After a heart-wrenching cry and a dozen text messages to Logan, all of which go unanswered, I finally give up and start packing my bag to leave.

  While organizing my toiletries, Madeleine knocks on my door.

  “Come in,” I say, and then return to packing.

  “Dean Ascott told me you’re suspended and leaving until the board makes a decision.”

  “Thanks for speaking up for me. I appreciate it.” I try to be strong, but a new surge of tears erupts.

  “Oh, Ava.” She takes my hand. “This bureaucratic nonsense will blow over in no time.”

  “It’s not that.” I reach for a tissue to blow my nose. “I haven’t heard anything from him.”

  Madeleine nods. “Rich told me he skipped town already. Maybe he thinks it will be easier on you if he’s out of the picture. Maybe he’s trying to spare you more embarrassment.”

  “He’s being selfish. And cowardly. I can’t believe I fell for all his lies.”

  “He’s made no contact at all?”

  “I know he called the Dean today, to say that he seduced me and that nothing’s my fault.”

  “It’s not, you know. Not your fault or his. No one can control who they fall in love with.”

  She sits on my bed and I sit beside her.

  “It’s Dr. T, isn’t it? Rich. Your new love?”

  She sighs and nods. “We were keeping things quiet until the summer. The policy applies to us, too. So if things work out between us, one of us might have to take a position elsewhere. Unless they rewrite the policy, which is what I’m fighting for.”

  “Whatever the board decides, I think too much has happened between me and Logan for things to work out now. I learned some stuff about him that changes everything.”

  “Like what?”

  I shake my head. I don’t want to go into it.

  “Stuff that make it impossible for us to have a happy ending.”

  She squeezes my hands. “All lovers have tests and tribulations to face, Ava. Nothing’s insurmountable if there’s real, true love between two people.”

  “Then it’s not real or true.” I stand up and zip up my bag.

  Madeleine looks sad. “It wasn’t that long ago that I was living under a cloud of despair and hopelessness.” She stands up to give me a hug. “The important thing is that you don’t give up. Not on yourself, and not on love.”

  I grab my coat and lock up my dorm room.

  Madeleine walks me to the elevator. “Rich offered to drive you to the station. He’s downstairs.”

  One more gauntlet to run.

  ***

  The Aston is parked at the curb outside the dorm. I take a deep breath and climb into the passenger side. That physical act brings back a host of memories and I’m on the brink of tears again.

  “Hi, Ava.”

  His voice is kind and gentle. I force myself to look at him, but it’s hard. I realize then that Dr. T is the only person I want to apologize to.

  “I’m so, so sorry for letting you down.” Every word is punctuated with a falling tear. He looks at his hands on the steering wheel.

  “You know who really let me down?”

  I know he’s going to say Logan, and I know that if I had made a different decision at the beginning of the year their friendship might still be intact.

  “Derrick and Casey let me down. They trespassed on everyone’s privacy in the name of art, which was exploitative and sensational and did very little to open anyone’s eyes to the state of the world or the human condition, which is ultimately what I believe art should be about.”

  He’s been squeezing the steering wheel and now he relaxes his hands and looks back at me.

  “Once I calmed down, what I was finally able see is that they captured our flaws and paradoxes, our lies and secrets. It hurt, it made us mad, it wreaked havoc, but it forced us to look at our lies and see that we are not alone. And this includes Derrick and Casey, who seem harmless and self-absorbed but in the end were spies among us more than eyes.”

  He drops his hands into his lap. “What I mean to say in all of this is that you don’t owe me an apology.”

  “Oh, but I do! For so many things.” Including sneaking around in his car. “You’ve believed in me right from the beginning. You’ve encouraged and supported me. You’ve been like … like a father to me. And I’ve let you down. I’ve let everyone down.”

  Including myself, because now that Logan’s taken off, I feel as if our whole affair was a sham, as if I’d been as exploited by him as I was by DnC. One part of my mind wants to argue with that, wants to remind me of the true, loving moments, but I’m caught up in my own righteous indignation right now. I regret my decision. And now I have to live with it, and all the unforeseen consequences.

  “Ava,” says Dr. T taking my hand in his firm grip. “Listen to me. We’re all human. We make mistakes, we take risks, we learn and grow from them. Logan is a charming, intelligent, attractive man. I genuinely liked him. I thought we’d be good friends.”

  “He let you down, too.”

  “He’s complicated. I guess we’re all complicated, but he is in particular. And I know he came here to get away from some of his personal complications.”

  “You knew about his fiancée?

  “I take it you didn’t?” Dr. T sighs. “You’ve been going through so much this year and I had no idea.”

  “You couldn’t have known. I couldn’t have told you. I’m sorry I betrayed you. I’m sorry we both did.”

  “Forget that. The more important thing, Ava, is did you betray yourself?”

  I want to say yes. But I know that’s not true. I did what I wanted in each moment. I let myself be taken, and broken. I said yes. Now it was up to me to put myself back together.

  Slowly, I shake my head.

  Slowly, Dr. T offers a smile. “Then there’s hope.”

  “Hope?”

  He nods. “That you’ll take all that you’ve experienced and turn it into something
that can be shared with the world. That’s what an artist does.”

  “You’re not mad that I broke the rules?”

  “Personally, I’m not going to hold that against you. Artists are supposed to break the rules. That’s how they carve new paths for the rest of us to follow. There’s a price though, and you’re paying it now. But in the end that will give you the strength to keep carving new paths.”

  “As your teacher, I offered what I could to help you become an artist, but it’s you who really had to do the work of becoming. You chose some unconventional ways to go about it, and it’s led to some uncomfortable consequences, but if you followed your heart and didn’t betray yourself then you have to accept that you’ve been true to your path, and who am I or Dean Ascott or the College Board to get in the way of that? School’s behind you now, Ava. Your life is beginning to unfold before you.”

  He starts the engine. “And I believe you have a train to catch.”

  Chapter Twenty Six

  When Dr. T dropped me off at the station, my plan was to go home to my parents for a week until I was informed about the board’s decision. But at the last minute I changed my ticket. Instead of going home, I bought a ticket to Boston.

  Tess was happy to take me in. Her roommates, with whom she shares a quaint but dilapidated brownstone, had headed off to a career conference in Maine for a week.

  Tess confessed she called my parents when I showed up on her doorstep. And they’ve been calling every day since but I haven’t wanted to talk.

  ***

  On the third day, when I finally get up after a long sleep in, Tess says, “Your father called again. He says he wants to negotiate with you.”

  “Ever the lawyer,” I grumble.

  “Hey,” says Tess, sitting on a chair in front of me and blocking my view of the TV. “I know our fathers can be asses sometimes. Okay, most of the time. But they’re turning into dinosaurs. They’re those middle upper class aging white men who still think they run the show. Just be patient. They’ll all die off eventually.”