‘No joke,’ said Skylights, with a glint in his eye. All six pirates stepped closer to Hook; so close he could not only smell their boozy breath but feel it on his face.
‘Excuse me men,’ his voice quivered. ‘I have mentioned personal space in the past. You are invading mine. Now b-b-back off please.’
‘That’s not all we’ll invade,’ snarled Skylights. ‘Just keep your mouth shut and listen.’
‘Right, I will,’ trembled Hook. ‘Speak away.’
MacStarkey leaned in yet further and, with his cutlass, began to shave off Hook’s five o’clock shadow, getting dangerously close to his throat. ‘Better stay still and not move Cap’n. Me hand’s no too steady.’ Hook was paralysed with fear, afraid even to breathe, as MacStarkey’s cutlass scraped and scratched first one cheek, then the other, from his ears down under his chin and over his throat. He swallowed once and felt the sharp blade dig into his Adam’s apple. Unable to speak, his cold blue eyes darted from side to side, appealing to the better nature of his crew, but not one of them showed a morsel of sympathy. ‘Now for your moustache,’ said MacStarkey. ‘Dinna sneeze.’ At the mention of the word sneeze Hook began to feel his nose twitch. He came out in a cold sweat at the idea of the damage the cutlass could do to his handsome face. Some stray hairs from his bounteous moustache fell onto his lips and into his mouth but he was so afraid to move he didn’t dare spit them out. ‘And by the way,’ said MacStarkey, lifting his cutlass high above Hook’s head as if he were about to execute him, ‘this is for all the times that you pulled me from my hammock by the hair.’ With a final flourish he chopped off one half of Hook’s magnificent black ringlets, his pride and joy, and flung them with no regard over the castle wall.
Hook was a comical sight with his hat all askew, no moustache and half a head of hair. MacStarkey stepped back to let Jukes, still dressed as an ugly sister, take his place. One by one he sliced off the buttons on Hook’s jacket until it flew open revealing his vest and trousers. Next Jukes started on the smaller buttons on the fly of Hook’s trousers.
‘Now then,’ said Jukes seriously, ‘this cutlass is a mighty big weapon for cutting off such wee buttons so you’d better not so much as shiver, or more than buttons might suffer a slice or two. And in case you are wondering why I am doing this, let’s just say it’s for all the times you paraded like a peacock in front of us, your loyal and faithful crew, who had nothing but rags to wear.’ In a final gesture, using the point of his cutlass, he tipped up Hook’s hat which flew over the ramparts and tumbled down past the rocky crags after his hair, leaving Hook an even more ridiculous figure. He didn’t know whether to hold on to his trousers or cover his baldness.
‘Enough now,’ cried Hook. ‘I g-g-get the message. I’ll be a b-b-better captain from now on. I’m really, really sorry for all my past cruel deeds.’
In a seemingly well choreographed move, O’Mullins and Fitzsmee stepped forward and grabbing Hook by both arms bent him over the barrel of Mons Meg, and said, ‘Go for it Noddler.’
Holding his cutlass awkwardly as usual, Noddler began chopping at the reptilian tail protruding from Hook’s backside. It was no more painful than having his toenails cut but Hook found it more humiliating than the other assaults, though less frightening. It took Noddler some time to complete the task and to launch the tail in the same direction as the hat.
‘Never again will you send me or anyone else to the deck with that weapon.’
Captain Hook was a pitiful sight, reduced to tears and begging for mercy for the first time in his life.
‘No more,’ he pleaded. ‘I c-c-can’t take any more. Let’s go back to Never Land and you will see how much I have changed. I p-p-promise.’
Now it was Skylights's turn. It was the moment he had been waiting for……waiting for years and years.
‘You are not going back to Never Land,’ said Skylights, his face twisting into a grimace.
‘But you s-s-said this was my last n-n-night in Edinburgh,’ stammered Hook.
‘That I did, so I did, ye mangy weasel, but I said nothing about you going back to Never Land,’ retorted Skylights.
‘Well why d-d-did you b-b-bring me back from the d-d-d-dead?’
‘Shall we tell him boys?’ Skylights looked at the others. They nodded.
‘We brought you back so that I could have the pleasure of killing you. The same way you almost killed me, with no compassion, no remorse. You don’t even remember me do you? You don’t even recognise me. Well, nobody will recognise you after I have finished,’ said Skylights, pointing the tip of his cutlass between the captain’s eyes. He pierced the skin, and a drop of Hook’s blood trickled down his face like a scarlet tear.
‘Is the gun ready me shipmates. Is it ready for a human cannonball?’
‘No please, please not that,’ begged Hook. Playing for time he added, ‘Not yet anyway. What about the pirates’ code? A dying man must have a last wish.’
‘Very well,’ said Skylights, ‘I will show you I am a greater man than you. I will grant you a wish although that is more than you did for me, you scurvy bilge rat. What is it to be?’
‘Could I please have two last cigars?’ asked Hook taking his special double cigar holder and a couple of cigars from his inner pocket.
‘Go ahead,’ said O’Mullins, ‘but remember smoking is bad for your health.’
‘Not that that matters to you any more.’ Skylights laughed. The other pirates sniggered, dropping their guard a little, knowing they had Hook well and truly where they wanted.
Hook’s trousers gathered round his ankles as he released his grasp on them to light up his two cigars, all the time watching, listening and waiting for a chance to escape. He saw Jukes swap his ugly sister costume for his own clothes and heard him say, ‘Are we heading back straight after this?’ Hook stepped out of his fallen trousers and moved slightly closer to the group. His ears perked up at the answer.
‘That’s the plan,’ answered Skylights. ‘The boom will draw too much attention to the castle. We’ll have to leave immediately. Who’s got the fairy dust? We’ll need to fuel up before we set off on the journey back to Never Land.’
‘I have it. It’s here in this pouch,’ said Noddler, untying the small bag from his belt, and opening the drawstring. He frowned as he looked at the sparkling dust inside. It had a greyish tinge he hadn’t noticed before. Something about it was nagging him.
‘Let’s have a last look at Edinburgh afore we load that scumbag into Mons Meg. The people of this city are in for a special surprise,’ said MacStarkey walking over to the edge of the rampart. The others stole a quick glance down at the crowds in the gardens and the shoppers in Princes Street.
Hook seized this opportunity. He grabbed the pouch from Noddler’s hands and raised it above his head. Quick as a flash, Skylights rushed at him. He couldn’t let Hook have the fairy dust. With one hand, he grasped Hook’s remaining ringlet, pulling his head down. With the other he reached out, clutching for the precious bag. But too late. Hook emptied the pouch, and its contents drenched the pair of them.
And that was when Noddler remembered. His pouch had still been half full of gunpowder when he had added the fairy dust. That lethal mixture was now all over Hook and Skylights. He watched in horror as they wrestled on the battlements of the castle, unaware that the fairy dust clinging to every part of them was contaminated.
Thinking that he might somehow break up the fight between Hook and Skylights as they wrestled for supremacy, Jukes crept forward and lit the fuse of the giant cannon, Mons Meg. A glowing piece of ash from one of Hook’s cigars landed on his dust covered sleeve. At the same moment, there was a loud boom as the gunpowder in the old cannon exploded. A whoosh of hot air hit the two pirates teetering on the wall of the castle. The spark on Hook’s sleeve was quickly fanned into a flame. The glow shimmered round his body until he and his clothes seemed to be ablaze.
The blast from the cannon shot Hook and Skylights into the sky above Princes Street Gard
ens where their illuminated silhouettes hung suspended. Hook drew his pistol and fired at Skylights, narrowly missing him, but setting off a reaction in the contaminated dust covering his clothes. Skylights, too, began to sparkle and shine as the effect intensified.
The pirates watching from the ramparts looked on aghast. ‘How could that have happened? Hook just fired live ammunition,’ said MacStarkey, shaking his head in disbelief. ‘He was supposed to have fake weapons, not ones that really worked.’
‘So he was,’ agreed Fitzsmee.
O’Mullins coughed, embarrassed, and said, ‘Well I’ve got the weapons Hook was meant to have. I didn’t see why he should get the nice shiny ones. I have never had a new gun in my life.’ The others stared at him in disbelief.
‘Does it matter?’ he asked, cringing.
‘Davy Jones preserve us from dim witted dodos!’ exclaimed Jukes.
‘Who?’ asked O’Mullins, innocently.
The other pirates sighed in exasperation before turning their attention once again to the duellers in the sky. At the sound of the cannon, the skaters on the ice rink had stopped to look up, just in time to see the pirates’ forms lit with an eerie brilliance.
‘Look Shelley,’ said Amy pointing to the figure in the red jacket and long-johns. ‘That looks like Captain Hook. What’s happening?’
‘I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the pirates’ revenge Wendy told us about last night.’
‘Well I know he’s a baddie, but I wouldn’t like them to kill him, just when he’s got his life back.’
The two pirates were now firing their pistols at each other, without the need to reload, so much gunpowder surrounded them. Each shot arced through the air like a blazing rocket ending in a shower of incandescent sparks. Hook dashed across the sky trailed by a cascade of pulsating lights. Skylights followed, sprays of phosphorescent sparks shooting out from his arms and legs. The halo effect of the gunpowder and fairy dust made them both look larger than life. The spectators in Edinburgh city centre oohed and aahed as the aerial contest between the two enormous pirates continued.
Hook landed on top of the brightly lit big wheel and drew his sword. The circles of blue, red and yellow lights slowly revolved beneath his feet. Flashes flared out from the blade as he slashed it from side to side. He created circles of fire around him, pierced by shots from his pistol reaching like shooting stars to the far corners of the sky. Skylights landed at the bottom of the big wheel. Clenching his sword between his teeth he began to climb up the outside rim. Hand over hand he lurched, from one carriage to the other. The revellers riding in the gondolas began to scream in terror as the weight of Skylights made the wheel turn faster and faster. It was an exciting ride that they had not bargained for. Dancing from one foot to the other, Hook tried to keep his balance as the wheel spun so fast the coloured lights became a revolving blur.
Skylights, making no progress at all, gave up. He flew to the top where he came face to face with his arch enemy. Standing toe to toe they fought. Swords flashed and slashed. Sparks and showers of stars sprayed in every direction, lighting up the dark sky with their radiance. They thrust and parried, the swords clashing together as they pitted their strength against one another. The two pirates were so well matched that neither could gain an advantage.
Hook flew to the top of the Scott Monument where he gave a brilliant solo display of swordsmanship. Beams of light emanated from his cutlass like the rays of the sun with Hook himself illuminated in the centre. He had never felt so powerful.
‘Wow! That’s awesome!’ breathed Jack, completely mesmerised.
Everyone watched as Skylights pursued Hook to the top of the monument. Hook immediately jumped down on to the helter-skelter. Standing on the safety wall like a skateboarder, he rode round and round till he reached the bottom, trailing behind him a brilliant whirlwind of colour. Skylights followed, creating a second dazzling spiral as he fought to keep his balance. At the bottom he looked around for Hook. The pirate captain took him by surprise, springing on to the guard rail and riding back up the helter-skelter with such momentum that he shot into the air. He corkscrewed high into the dark sky with a flourish that brought a roar of delight from the spellbound crowd. Skylights, infuriated, followed like a missile in hot pursuit and the two pirates created yet another stunning display of lightning sword fighting. Skylights aimed a last volley of pistol shots straight at Hook. An explosion of light, a sonic boom, a shower of stars and, as suddenly as it had started, the duel was over. All was dark. All was silent. The spectators were open mouthed in awe. They had never witnessed anything like it.
Skylights peered around in the darkness, but his enemy was nowhere to be seen. Hook had vanished. Perhaps he had been blown to smithereens. He hoped so. He flew silently and unseen back to the castle ramparts where the other pirates were gathered in a huddle around a smoking bundle.
In Princes Street Gardens, the talk was all about the magnificent firework display created by Edinburgh City Council.
‘That must’ve cost a bomb,’ said Doug.
‘I’ve never seen fireworks like that in my life,’ said Jack. ‘The whole sky lit up.’
‘Funny that it was never advertised,’ said Beth thoughtfully. She had seen enough strange things recently to be thoroughly sceptical.
‘Do you think that was really Captain Hook up there, Professor?’ asked Shelley. ‘You know what the pirates look like.’
‘I’m not sure. They certainly didn’t sparkle like that when I saw them,’ said John Dante. ‘Maybe Wendy can tell you.’ He looked around. ‘Where is Wendy by the way? I thought she was with you.’
‘She was over by the fence when this all started. She’ll be fighting her way through the crowds to reach us,’ said Jack giving Shelley a look. He’d told her he’d seen Wendy earlier, speaking to Peter Pan.
‘Anyway, it was out of this world,’ said Amy and they all agreed.
Skylights was shocked to find MacStarkey and the others gathered round a very dirty and dazed O’Mullins lying flat out behind Mons Meg.
‘What happened here?’ asked Skylights.
‘Dunno,’ said MacStarkey. ‘We were all watching you and Hook battle it out all over the Edinburgh skyline. Then there was an explosion and a blinding flash.’
‘When the smoke cleared, O’Mullins was lying here, flat out,’ added Jukes.
‘And the fight of the century was over,’ said Fitzsmee.
‘What happened here?’ O’Mullins repeated the question. He sat up and rubbed his eyes.
‘We were hoping you could tell us,’ said Noddler.
‘Oh oh. Am I in trouble again?’ said O’Mullins. ‘I’m really sorry. I didn’t think it would work.’
‘Didn’t think what would work?’ asked Skylights.
‘Putting one of these cannonballs in the gun.’ O’Mullins nodded at the pile of cannonballs. ‘I thought you said they were only for show.’
‘They are. They are all stuck together,’ said MacStarkey.
‘Well, I noticed one was a bit loose so I kicked it and it came away. While you were all watching the fight, I loaded it in the cannon….just to see if it fitted like. Then I lit the fuse…..just to practise. There must have been enough gunpowder left over from when you fired the dummy one, Jukes. But I didn’t think it would work honest. And that’s all I remember. I’m really, really sorry. Did anybody get hurt?’
‘Oh yes! But there’s no need to apologise, me old mate,’ said Skylights. ‘I think you might have saved my life. Your ‘just-for-show’ cannonball managed to blow Cap’n Hook out of the sky. You are a hero, O’Mullins.’
‘Well, me shipmates we did it,’ said O’Mullins. ‘We blew him up as we said we would.’
‘Not quite in the way we intended, but I am more than satisfied,’ said Skylights. ‘God bless Professor John. And well done to Noddler too. Using your ammunition pouch for the fairy dust turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Great job, well done me old friends. What a team we are!’
‘Me too, me too,’ nodded Noddler.
‘Just one wee problem,’ said MacStarkey.
‘What’s that?’ asked Jukes.
‘No fairy dust. Our supply went all over Hook and Skylights. We’ll hae to stay in Edinburgh,’ smiled MacStarkey, ready to celebrate with another evening in Rose Street.
‘I know where we can get some dust,’ said Noddler. ‘I met Peter last night and told him of our plan. He’s watching down below and he has a whole pouch of the stuff. I think he owes us a favour.’
Peter was sitting at the foot of the steps talking to a young lady in a nightdress. ‘Now do you believe me?’ he asked her. She nodded. ‘Well, will you come with me to Never Land? I do so need a mother to clean my house and tell me stories, Wendy. Please say you will.’
‘I might some day, Peter. But certainly not tonight! It’s Christmas Eve and I’m sorry but I have other plans. My dad will be looking for me. Thanks for showing me the best fireworks display I have ever seen. Merry Christmas!’ And with that she kissed him on the cheek and skated back to where she could see the Patons and McGregors waiting with her father.
‘So that was a kiss,’ thought Peter turning on his heel at the sound of a voice behind him. It was Noddler.
‘Peter, can you spare a bit of fairy dust? We kind of used all ours up on Hook and now we’re stuck here.’
‘I really should be mad with you pirates for stealing the fairy dust in the first place, but I think I can forgive you. That fireworks display was a sight worth waiting a life time for. Cock a doodle doo!’ He winked at Noddler and taking him by the hand they rose up to the castle ramparts where the others were waiting. ‘We’d better hurry before the police get here,’ he said. ‘That was some disturbance of the peace just now.’
A moment later seven figures took to the skies and, heading for the second star on the left, they went straight on until morning. Yet another string of Christmas lights crossed the Edinburgh skyline.
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