“But you had sex with him.”
Boy, did I ever. Sweaty, bang your head on the roof of the car sex.
“I did. Now there’s no more wondering what it would be like. I can move forward if it doesn’t work out.”
“And hate his guts.”
“It’s a good thing you decided to write nonfiction because your storytelling skills suck. I don’t think hating someone is a happy ending.” I sighed, not sure how to explain it. I barely understood it myself. “Listen, I’ll be sad if Josh doesn’t want to try. Really, really sad. I’ll have to take time to mourn because it will be like a death of a dream. But he’s not to blame here. I’m the one that built all of this in my head and heart. I won’t hate Josh. I might dislike him for a while but I won’t hate him.”
“I will.”
I patted her hand and chuckled. “I appreciate that. Now I really need a shower. Are you staying?”
“I’m not leaving you when you need me. We can go out to brunch or something.”
Food and socially acceptable morning alcohol. It was exactly what I needed while I waited for Josh to get his head out of his ass and call.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Josh
Tugging nervously at my t-shirt collar I stood on Mia’s front porch. I’d barely slept after dropping her off here last night, my mind going over and over the events of the evening. What had happened and all the alternate paths that we could have taken.
If we hadn’t danced…
If I hadn’t kissed her in the solarium…
If I’d been a few minutes later or earlier and not seen that asshole manhandling her…
If I hadn’t driven us to the lake…
If I hadn’t kissed her again…
If she hadn’t kissed me back…
That last one was the big one, although I was under no illusions as to whose fault this was. It was mine. I’d started it weeks ago when I’d realized that Mia was gorgeous, sexy, and wonderful. I’d thought I could keep it under wraps, pretend that it was all the same but it wasn’t.
I hadn’t even consciously driven her to the lake last night. I’d simply wanted to take her someplace where we’d both been happy and carefree, so I ended up there.
Then I’d fucked her viciously in the front seat of my car. I was never, ever selling this vehicle.
I hadn’t even been romantic or sweet about it. I’d pawed at her like a man let out of prison after twenty years, although to give Mia credit she’d given as good as she got. I was covered with nail and teeth marks under my clothes. Still it wasn’t the way a man made love to a woman the first time. There had been no candlelight or prelude. Hell, there had barely been any foreplay but she’d been hot, wet, and ready just the same. So fucking tight, too. Shit, I was getting hard standing right here at her front door just thinking about it.
Mia had surprised me. I hadn’t expected the tigress that lurked under the quiet history teacher exterior. It was hot and very sexy that she was just so naturally good in bed. Or in a car. I’d been dogged last night with visions of fucking her all over town, every night club and movie theater. Her head thrown back, her red hair in a tangle around her shoulders, her skin glistening with sweat. Clearly, I needed deep therapy.
She’s my friend. Now she’s my lover. Could I have both? Did I want to?
I had to be realistic. I sucked at relationships and I didn’t know shit about love. Hadn’t my brother and Rachel just told me that a few weeks ago? If I had to choose, I’d want her as my friend. Lovers come and go. Friends are forever.
Which was why I was standing here at her front door on a Sunday morning holding a giant cinnamon bun still hot from her favorite bakery and two coffees. I’d almost turned and left when I’d pulled in front of her home though. A vehicle was parked in her driveway and it looked like Shelby’s car. Had the sister heard about all of my sins? I was about to find out.
I knocked and waited, my heart in my throat. I was having second, third, and fourth thoughts about this but we needed to talk. I hated feeling like we were in limbo and I was terrified of losing her from my life. She really and truly was my best friend other than Luke. I’d meant what I said.
The door swung open and Shelby stood on the other side, looking surprised to see me. With one glance I knew that she knew and my face grew warm as her gaze ran from the Styrofoam tray of coffee to the white box that housed the cinnamon roll.
“Josh.”
“Shelby.”
“You punched Brad’s best man last night.”
And I’d do it again. In fact, I still may if I ever see his smug face around town.
“I did.”
“He told me that you were drunk.”
“He was confused. He was the one that had had far too many.”
“Mia told me that he was getting handsy.”
“He was hurting her. He deserved what he got. I won’t apologize. Your fiancé has shit taste in friends, by the way.”
I must have said the magic word because the door opened wider and Shelby stepped back to let me in.
“That’s exactly what Mia said. Do you want to come in?”
“Please.” I looked around the living room but Mia was nowhere in sight. “I need to speak to Mia.”
“She was taking a shower. I’ll go get her.” Shelby sniffed the air. “A Figaro’s cinnamon roll? Are you in the doghouse?”
I wasn’t sure but I wasn’t taking any chances. While Shelby disappeared down the hall, I went into the kitchen to set down breakfast, noticing that there was already a half-drunk pot of coffee. Mia and Shelby had to have been awake for awhile. Maybe Mia had slept much better than I had. A fact that sort of pissed me off. How could she be so cavalier about what happened last night? Wasn’t it as big a deal as it was for me?
Fuck. Then it occurred to me that perhaps it hadn’t been a big deal because it hadn’t been…good. For her. Mia had rocked my world but she might have thought I was mediocre at best. I’d thought she’d liked it by all her moaning and breathy little cries that were sexy as hell but guys could be fooled. I didn’t want to think she’d faked it to save my fragile male ego but it was a possibility.
Now I was really pissed off. I didn’t need a woman coddling me, pretending to enjoy sex when she really didn’t.
“Hi.”
Whirling around, I saw Mia standing there wearing jeans and a sweater, her long hair pulled back into a ponytail. Her features were composed and it was hard to tell if she was glad or mad to see me.
“Hi.” I made a weak gesture to her kitchen table. “I brought some breakfast. Figaro’s. Your favorite.”
The Mia before last night would have squealed in delight and grabbed a fork. We didn’t even bother with plates, the two of us just eating out of the box. It was obvious I was fucked when she didn’t move, although her gaze flickered toward the coffee and roll.
“That’s very thoughtful. I am hungry. You even brought coffee, too.”
The tension was back between us but not like last night. This was far worse, uncomfortable and damn awkward. I didn’t like it and I just wanted things to go back to the way they were. Turning back time, however, wasn’t an option. There was only one way through this and that was to slog forward. Shit.
“We need to talk.”
She nodded. “Give me a minute. I’ll tell Shelby I’ll meet her at the restaurant. We were going to have brunch.”
Mia turned and went into the living room. I heard a few muffled voices and then the front door. She returned and sat down at the table, lifting a cup from the tray.
“So let’s talk.”
I’d planned every word I was going to say but damned if I could remember any of it. What was I supposed to do now?
Stall. Stall and eventually I’ll remember. Better yet, get her to talk. Find out what she’s thinking and feeling.
Swiping two forks from her kitchen drawer and then settling into the chair opposite her, I flipped open the lid and the yummy scent of vanilla and cinnam
on assailed my nostrils. Normally this would have been a comforting aroma to me but the smell of food at this crucial juncture in my life was making me slightly sick to my stomach. If I messed this up…
Holding out a fork, I waited for her to take it and dig in. There was a moment’s hesitation but then she did.
“I won’t eat too much since I’m meeting Shelby in a little while.”
Apparently I was on a clock, although I didn’t know exactly how much time I had. Might as well just do this.
“Mia, I’ve been up all night thinking about what happened last night–”
“Let me stop you right there.” She held up her hands, the fork dangling from her fingertips. “I’ve been thinking about things too and I think we should just simplify this and cut to the chase.”
I was all for that.
She leveled her gaze on me, our shared breakfast forgotten. “Josh, do you or do you not want to have a romantic relationship with me?”
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Mia
Waiting. That was the hardest part.
I’d found the courage to ask the most important question and now the ball was in Josh’s court. He either wanted to be with me or he didn’t. Either way, I was going to be fine. It might take time but I’d come to the fork in the road. I couldn’t stay on this path any longer, wishing and hoping for something that might never happen. It was better to know. It might be more painful, though.
It was a simple yes or no question but Josh appeared to be having a great deal of difficulty getting one of those words out of his mouth. His face was red and his hands were gesticulating wildly in the air, all the while trying to speak. Not wanting to clue him in to the turmoil inside of me, I stayed very still and quiet in my chair. This was a task he had to complete on his own.
He finally managed to spit out some words.
“I don’t understand.”
Hmmm….he was stalling. It wasn’t a good sign and my heart sank into my stomach. The answer was no. He just didn’t want to say it. I’d never thought of Josh as a coward but at this moment he wasn’t being the most courageous man I’d ever known.
“Yes, you do. It’s a simple yes or no question. Do you want to try to have a romantic relationship with me?”
He opened his mouth and then snapped it shut again. Another bad sign. Looks like I’d be meeting Shelby for brunch quite soon.
“It’s not that simple.”
I wasn’t letting him off the hook. It actually really was that simple and clear. Last night was either just a casual shag or it meant something. Which was it?
“I think it is.” It wasn’t easy keeping my voice even when my throat was closing up with emotion. I’d cry later and maybe scream and stomp my feet but there was no way in hell I was going to let Josh see me like that. Not in this lifetime. “You either have feelings for me or you don’t.”
“Of course, I have feelings for you, Mia. We’ve known each other practically our whole lives.”
That was the problem.
“Do you want to date me? See where this goes?”
He was rubbing the back of his neck and I could swear sweat had popped out on his forehead. He was nervous. Well, so was I.
“You’re my best friend. I don’t want to lose that.”
That was a no, and it was as close as I was going to get out of him.
“I’m disappointed in you, Josh. Of all the people in my life, I didn’t think you’d turn out to be the chicken shit one. Just say what you mean. You don’t have romantic feelings for me.”
He looked like he wanted to run for the exits. “It’s not that– I just– Shit, Mia. This is complicated. Whatever happens I don’t want to lose you from my life.”
I looked at Josh, really looked at him. It was strange that I could see all of his imperfections so clearly now and still love him. If anything, it made him more endearing and far more human. But I was done waiting and living on hopes and dreams. I needed to take back my life and this moment was a huge step in that direction.
Steeling my nerves, I placed the fork on the table and then flipped the box that held the cinnamon roll closed. Standing, I picked up the box and held it out to Josh.
“I think it’s time for you to go then.”
He stood as well, accepting the box, a dumbfounded look on his face. “What? I don’t understand again.”
“Then you need to pay closer attention.” I pointed to the front door. “It’s time for you to go. I’m not going to settle for maybe or so-so. I’m not someone’s side piece or dirty little secret. If we had a one-time casual thing then I’m fine with that. I have no regrets. But at this point you either want to give us a try or you don’t.”
“It’s not like that. You know how I feel about you.”
I shook my head, keeping my resolution strong. I could easily wilt and give in. A small part of me wanted to.
“Actually, Josh, I don’t.”
Turning on my heel, I walked toward the door, hoping that he was following me. It was time for him to go.
“Please don’t be upset,” he pleaded but he was indeed following on my heels. “I don’t want us to be angry with each other.”
“Then you’re in luck. I’m not mad or upset. My life has become so clear to me these days. I can’t sit back and let life happen to me. I have to take control. I’ll call you when I’m ready to be friends again. Until then, I’d appreciate it if you’d back off. And before you ask the question, no, I don’t know how long that will take.”
In another time I might have been happy to see how horrified Josh looked. This…he hadn’t expected when he came over today. I couldn’t help but wonder what he had thought would go down. Maybe he’d say that last night was a mistake and I was supposed to agree. Then we’d simply go on pretending it never happened.
Fat chance of that.
“I can’t leave like this.” There was desperation in his voice but I wouldn’t allow myself to be moved. I had to stay strong or I’d be right back where I started. “We have to work this out.”
The truth will set you free.
I’d been hearing that saying my entire life. It was time to see if it was really true. I was about to make Josh understand just what in the hell was going on.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I said, opening the door for him. Deep inside I could feel my heart pounding painfully against my ribs. This was the scariest thing I’d ever done in my life. I was terrified. It was like jumping off a cliff without a parachute. There was nowhere to go but down and the fall was a doozy. “I have feelings for you. I don’t just want to be your friend. I want to be more than that, and I have for a long time. I can’t live on dreams and unicorns anymore. If you can’t return those feelings then I need to find a way to move on. I deserve better than this.”
Josh blinked a few times, his jaw working as if he was going to say something but no sound came out. I waited, my hand squeezing the doorknob until my knuckles were white. His eyes were dark and his face pale, no sign of his usual easygoing smile.
I’d shocked him. He really didn’t have a clue. Not sure if that says more about him or me. Either way, he was not sweeping me into his arms.
This wasn’t a romantic movie and suddenly music was going to start playing and we’d both end up kissing and crying, vowing eternal love. That shit didn’t happen in real life and it sure as hell didn’t happen to me.
Without another word, Josh slipped past me and bounded down my front steps toward his car. The vehicle that less than twenty-four hours ago had been the site of our steamy assignation. And yet that same passionate man who had left marks on my body from his lovemaking was hightailing it out of my condo community right at this moment.
I closed the front door and went back into the kitchen, picking up the abandoned coffee. Still hot. I took a few sips and then tossed it down the sink, the beverage only serving to make me nauseous.
This was the end of a huge part of my life and it hurt. I hadn’t expected it to be this physica
lly painful but it felt like someone had ripped my heart from chest with a pair of pliers. No anesthesia.
But it was also a new beginning, a new chance. My entire future was spread out before me with a myriad of possibilities. Where do I begin?
Picking up the pad and pencil I kept next to the refrigerator, I began to make a list. I needed a plan.
What I want for my life.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Josh
I didn’t have any particular destination in mind when I left Mia’s house but I ended up at my brother’s. Honest to God, I don’t remember any of the drive there which is frightening because I could easily have taken out a pedestrian or two and just driven on like a robot behind the wheel. All the while there was a growing sense of foreboding that I was making a huge mistake leaving Mia. A voice in my head was screaming that I should have stayed no matter how many times she’d told me to leave.
And calm as fuck, too. She hadn’t yelled or cried or anything that I would have understood after last night. She’d been cool as a cucumber ordering me out of her house while I’d been like a deer in headlights.
Stunned. It was the only description that fit at the moment. Like most men, I didn’t spend an inordinate amount of time pondering my feelings. I knew when I was happy or sad or pissed off. Those were easy. This…this was far more complicated and I struggled to put names to all of the emotions swirling inside of me.
I definitely felt physically sick, the cloying sweetness of the cinnamon roll making me want to wretch out of the car window. I also had a vague sense of panic that my whole life had changed and I couldn’t stop it. Like a runaway train, I could only hold on for dear life and hope it didn’t collide with a mountain or an even bigger train.
Luke’s door swung open and Rachel stood there, her critical gaze taking me in from head to toe.
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