There was no other word but hunger to describe the look in Bur’s heavy-lidded pale green gaze. Gerald gulped, then went to step back. Bur gripped his hip, stopping him.
“I’m not teasing. I’m approaching you as a man, Gerald. The way a man would approach another he wants really badly.” Bur’s voice was deep.
“I’m not gay.” Gerald shook his head.
“I know.” Bur’s smile seemed regretful, and then he went somber. “And you would do well to remember that when you try to throw yourself on the altar of martyrdom.”
“What? I don’t know what you mean,” Gerald said.
“I’ve seen you look at Harper with that contemplative expression on your face. It took me a while to figure out what it was about, but I did. Karl would not want you to sacrifice your happiness to take his place by Harper’s side. He’d want you and Harper to be friends. Want you to find someone. For Harper to also find someone else to live the rest of his life with. Man up, Gerald, and live again.”
Bur’s words resonated in him. Gerald stepped back. Bur slid his fingers along Gerald’s hip before he let Gerald go.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Gerald said.
“I do. And I hope you realize it before you do something stupid that will ruin your friendship with Harper.”
“You little shit. You’re trying to separate Harper and me. It won’t work. And coming on to me is below the belt.” Gerald pushed past him.
Bur gripped his forearm, and Gerald shrugged to break his hold. When Bur didn’t release him, he realized Bur was stronger than he looked. Gerald turned his head to face him. Bur shifted close to Gerald until their bodies were pressed against each other again.
“This isn’t some master plan. I’m attracted to you, you dumb ass.”
“I’m straight. I love women. Women.” He enunciated the word slowly.
Bur’s lips twitched, but he didn’t smile. “Did that make you feel good?”
“Yeah. It’s good not being the idiot,” Gerald retorted.
“Yes. It’s idiocy that I find you an interesting man.”
“Interesting? Now I know you’re delusional. I’m just plain old Gerald. I’m just me.”
“I know. And that’s what makes me want you even more.”
“Huh?” Gerald was confused.
“You have no idea what people see when they see you, talk about you.”
“What lies have people been telling? I didn’t take pictures of Bernie and Tomas, I swear,” Gerald joked.
“You crack jokes or change the subject when you get uncomfortable with praise or talking about things.”
“You’re an irritating prick,” Gerald said cheerfully.
“And you’re an arrogant, controlling asshole. We would be a good pair. Are you sure you’re straight?” Bur wiggled his eyebrows.
“Yes,” Gerald said.
“For a straight man, you sure don’t seem to have a problem with a horny gay man pressing groin to groin with you.” Bur glanced down.
Gerald mirrored him. With the baggy shirt in the way, he couldn’t see the erection that seemed substantial. Gerald raised his head and met Bur’s gaze. Bur’s eyes were twinkling devilishly.
“Feels like you’re really packing a big stick,” Gerald leered.
Bur laughed, then shook his head. “Another thing I find interesting. The lewd humor.”
Gerald got serious. “Look, Bur. Even if I were interested in men instead of women, I wouldn’t be in it for sex. I don’t want just that anymore.”
“Since when? I’ve heard all about your prowess with the ladies. It’s legendary.”
“Heard. That’s the past. I haven’t been—” Gerald paused. “—as active since Karl died. I’ve changed.” He shrugged. “Although anything you heard is even more true than anyone said. They like to downplay my prowess. Legendary comes close.” He grinned proudly.
Bur’s scrutiny was intense, and then he replied. “That’s exactly what I mean. Karl died, but you and Harper didn’t. You should be living. Hell, fucking some hot chick. Rocking her world with your legendary sexual acrobatics.”
“Now who’s in a different decade? I don’t do acrobatics. Swinging from the chandelier is dangerous. You can break something when you fall off.” Gerald widened his eyes.
Bur laughed. “Crazy bloke.”
“You said bloke again.” Gerald snickered.
“So?” Bur frowned.
“We say guy. Bloke is British.”
“Whatever. Seriously, you need to live more.”
“I live enough. I didn’t say I haven’t been with anyone, just that I’m looking for more than a warm body. Now, if you’re done feeling me up, I’ll be on my way to see Harper,” Gerald said, looking pointedly at where Bur held onto his arm and then at where they were pressed together.
“I’m thinking about it. Give me a sec.” Bur whistled, not moving.
Gerald stifled a chuckle. “Crazy bastard.”
Bur released him.
Gerald moved away and headed toward the archway leading out of the kitchen. He stopped and asked without turning around, “What will make you move out of Harper’s house?”
“When he asks me to.”
Gerald sighed. He was going to have to convince Harper to tell Bur to go. He continued to the doorway.
“Gerald!” Bur called.
Gerald stopped. When Bur didn’t speak again, he looked at him. Bur stood, hands braced on the island that was in the center of the room. Bur lowered his gaze, looking down Gerald’s body. Gerald waited until Bur met his gaze.
“Had a good look?”
Bur shrugged. “Not really. But since that’s all I’m going to get, it will have to do.” Bur paused, then spoke again. “If you weren’t straight, I might have been interested in more than sex. I’ll have to think about finding someone to get my rocks off with.” Bur chuckled, then turned away, returning to his sandwich.
Gerald frowned at his back. He didn’t like hearing Bur talk about going to someone else.
You shouldn’t care. He turned and continued on his way.
“Harper is in the family room!” Bur called out from the kitchen.
Gerald passed the living room and turned into a hall. He came to the open door of Harper’s home office and paused, looking back and forth between the open doorway and the closed one on the other wall. It used to be Karl and Harper’s man cave. As far as Gerald knew, except for the time they cleaned Karl’s personal effects out of the room right after the funeral, Harper hadn’t stepped foot in it. He thought of what Bur had said. Although he was butting in, Bur was right. Both he and Harper had stopped living. Harper had been slowly coming out of his shell, but he wasn’t the same Harper. Gerald didn’t expect him to be the same, but he missed the man he knew Harper was, and his fun-loving, wicked sense of humor and zest for life. Gerald strode on down the hall. It exited into the spacious family room that Harper had taken to using since Karl’s passing. Gerald didn’t see him as he entered. He walked instinctively toward the little corner space. Gerald slowed as he saw Harper. He was looking out the window that overlooked the gardens. Another place Harper didn’t take time to enjoy anymore. Their friends came by and maintained the gardens for Harper.
“Harper,” Gerald said.
Harper looked up at him and smiled. “Hey, Ramirez. Take a load off.”
Gerald was grateful for the smile. He sat on the couch beside Harper. For a few months, it had been iffy whether Harper would shut him out of his life. Suddenly, it hit Gerald, everything that their friends, and most recently Bur, had been telling him. He’d started letting Harper be. But he didn’t know if he could just walk away and not take Karl’s place. Gerald leaned forward. Opening his legs, he placed his elbows on his knees and put them under his chin. He didn’t know what to do.
“I know that pose. What has you thinking so hard?” Harper rubbed a hand along Gerald’s back.
Gerald looked over at Harper. “I feel like I’m faili
ng you. I haven’t been there for you as I should.”
“What? You haven’t failed me, Gerald. You’re my friend. And you’ve been there for me. All of you have. More than I have been for you. All of you.” Harper looked startled at what he said.
Gerald sat up and turned to him. “Then why have you been leaning on Bur so much instead of me?”
“For Christ sake, Ramirez. I’ve told you a hundred times, it’s not sexual.” Harper leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Don’t cross your arms like that. Don’t shut me out. I’m not saying it’s sex.”
Harper glanced down at his crossed arms and grinned sheepishly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was doing that.”
“You’ve been doing it a lot since Karl. Shutting everyone but Bur out.”
“I know I have. I’ve gotten better, and it’s because of Bur. And it’s not sex.”
“I already said I know it’s not.”
“Sorry. The denial was reflex. For the last few months, you’ve implied things and made snide comments about it without coming right out and saying it.” Harper sighed.
“Well, I finally asked out right who he wants.”
“You did? What did he say?” Harper sounded curious.
Gerald was not about to admit what happened in the kitchen. He might have acted cool with Bur, but he was unsettled.
“That you all are just friends,” Gerald said.
Harper’s expression changed to shame. “That’s what we are now. But at first, I was using him.”
Gerald waited to see what else he would say. Harper didn’t speak. Gerald sighed, then put his hand out. Harper looked at it, then lifted his hand. It was shaking. Gerald gripped it in his own and pulled him closer. He rested his forehead against Harper’s.
Harper’s laugh was shaky. “You remembered my talk seriously pose.”
“Just like you know my thinking one. Karl was my best friend, but so are you. Now stop stalling and talk.”
“Do you know why I asked Bur to come move in with me?”
“You asked him?” Gerald was surprised. He’d always assumed it was Bur who convinced Harper to let him move in.
“Yes, I did. I know all of you thought he asked me, even when I told you all that wasn’t how it was. I should have explained, but at that time, I couldn’t. Since then, our friends just accepted it. All except you. You’re such a protector, Gerald. But even you couldn’t protect me from what I was going through. Although you, Simon, and Malik are my best friends, it was Bur who I needed these last six months,” Harper said.
“Tell me why,” Gerald demanded.
“I felt as if I was drowning. Drowning in everyone’s expectations. You all kept looking at me as if you expected me to go crazy at any moment. You looked and saw Harper minus Karl; none of you looked and really saw me. I was in pain, trying to live again, but none of you would let me. Even from the funeral, when you all did that tribute that Karl asked you to. None of you let me mourn in my way, in my time. You all forced it on me.” Harper paused then said, “Bur didn’t have any of that.”
“But why Bur? He was a stranger.”
“That’s why. Sometimes, it’s easier to confide your darkest moments to a stranger. They don’t have any expectations of you.”
“You could have gotten a therapist for that.”
“I did go to therapy.”
Gerald was shocked. He hadn’t known.
“I didn’t tell you or anyone. I needed someone to talk to, so I did. And it helped. I was doing better, at least until Paget Weekend approached. You know, Karl usually took some time off before it to travel with me and help me implement my plans for that time.”
Gerald nodded. Paget Weekend was an event that happened on the fourth weekend during the months of April through September. Paget Street was blocked to traffic and became a sort of street fair. It was a local event where businesses and organizations from all around Mapson set up booths in the center of the street. The businesses that were on Paget got a booth every weekend of the fair. Harper’s bookstore was on Paget, so he automatically got a booth in front of his business. Gerald remembered that Karl would take a two-week vacation, usually in March. He and Harper would go on some trip somewhere and come back relaxed and excited for the upcoming Paget Weekend. Gerald recalled many times he’d had to listen to Harper and Karl planning whatever they came up with for the event.
“Well, it hit me hard in March that he wasn’t here,” Harper said. “And I just wanted to be left alone for a bit. But none of you would listen. Especially you. You kept pushing and pushing. That reminded me so much of Karl. I really wanted to break your nose then, but I just went along.”
“That’s around the same time your brother decided to move in with that slut he was involved with.”
“Yes, and I went along with it, just like I went along with you.”
“I know it was frustrating.”
“But then a few months later, I met Bur for the first time. When Bernie left the room, and after Bur’s words to me once we were alone, I knew I needed him to move in with me.”
“What did he say?”
“‘So you’re the bloke making Bernie worry. Get the stick out of your ass, and stop wallowing in your pain. Instead, take this and punch the fucker out until he’s bloody and begging for mercy.’ Then Bur showed me his fist.” Harper laughed.
“Cheeky shit,” Gerald said.
“If you were in pain like I was, you would have said the same thing. Hell, probably much more colorfully,” Harper replied.
“True.”
“I asked Bur to move in with me. He didn’t even hesitate as he said yes. Bur came home with me, and it was as if a switch had flipped and I was energized. Kicked my lousy family out and told you off. It felt so good too.”
“I bet it did.”
“Bur came home with me, a stranger, and he was there when I raged, cried, and talked about Karl until I was hoarse. Then repeated it over and over. He held me on those nights I needed it. Not sexually, just a body to be there. He even got me back into using the punching bag in the gym. Taught me kickboxing. Bur even ordered a piece to hang on the bag for when I needed it.”
“He’s the one who gave you that thing with a butt with the words ‘Pain’s Ass’ stretched across it?”
“Yeah. It has been very therapeutic punching it.” Harper chuckled.
“I bet. If I was to get one of those things, I know what I would want on it.” Gerald smiled, cracking his knuckles.
“No image of Bur to punch out.”
Gerald was surprised he had even thought that. “I wouldn’t hit him. He might be a pain in the ass, but I wouldn’t do that.”
“Then who were you imagining hitting.”
“Not who. What. That damn alarm clock.”
“No image of that either. Your mother gave it to you. So no killing the alarm clock.”
“Just figuratively. An image to punch out would be really good. Seeing as the thing won’t die in real life. I’ve tried. The damn thing just won’t die. I don’t know where she got it. That sucker is strong,” Gerald said.
Harper laughed even louder. Gerald smiled, hearing the joyous sound. Bur had created a change in Harper. Gerald thought of what Bur said. He was turning out to be surprisingly more complicated than Gerald had thought.
BUR TURNED his head and watched Gerald’s back as he walked out of the kitchen. He knew most everyone called him Ramirez, but from the time he’d met him, Bur called him Gerald. It was baffling how the big, surly man had gotten under his skin. At their first meeting, Gerald had had a fierce frown on his craggy face, and his black eyes—which Bur had come to realize later were actually really dark brown—had been furious. His light brown, slightly curly hair had been in disarray. While observing him when he confronted Harper, Bur had seen why. Gerald tended to run his fingers through his hair often. When he was agitated, he gripped the hair, making it stand on end. It was one of many things he’d noticed about Gerald Ram
irez.
It seemed as if he knew many of the man’s mannerisms as well as he knew his own. At first, Bur had found himself entertained in pissing off the easily excitable Gerald. Well, he was actually only that way around Harper. From what Bur had ascertained from the friends they had, it was a recent thing, since almost a year and half ago when Harper’s partner Karl died. Hearing about Karl from Harper and the others, Bur had gotten really good insight into the dynamics of the close friendship they shared. It reminded him so much of his own friends he had back in England—his bandmates. They were not blood but were as close as if they were. Just like these people he had gotten to know, they would do anything for each other. Guilt filled Bur as he realized he hadn’t actually spoken to any of them in six months. He’d e-mailed them and they him, but no actual voice-to-voice conversation. He made a mental note to call them.
Bur finished spreading the Miracle Whip on his bread. He couldn’t stand regular mayo. He put the things away in the fridge and grabbed a soda. He put the bread in the breadbox, chips on the top, then the knife in the sink. Bur lifted his plate and drink and took them to the table by the window. He sat and stared out the window. From where he sat, he could see part of the garage, which housed his motorcycle as well as Harper’s. He used his on a regular basis, but Harper had mentioned he had never ridden his. He also told Bur that Gerald had a bike, too, which he had only seen him ride once at Karl’s funeral. Harper didn’t know if Gerald had ridden the bike again. Bur was curious if he had. He admitted to himself that Gerald had him fascinated. He projected so much aggressive bluster, yet you could see that he cared deeply about those who he thought of as his. Bur had seen it with Harper and his other friends. With Bur, all Gerald had was the aggressive bluster.
Bur picked up his sandwich and smiled. He kind of liked that about Gerald. He knew it was useless and stupid to have let Gerald get past his usual reticence around men. It had been a long time since he had been attracted to anyone, much less inclined to act on that attraction. He hadn’t planned to this time either, but Gerald’s challenging expression had irked him into revealing what he hadn’t ever planned on.
Something in Common (Dreamspinner Press Bundles) Page 30