by J. C. Reed
* * *
Over the past few months, we had a lot of fun together; however, it’s time to call it quits and move on.
Don’t get me wrong, you’re great. You’re a good friend; maybe the best female friend I’ve had, but you aren’t what I need. You deserve a person who’s honest and who will see you as the caring human you are. I’m sorry that I can’t be that person, but I hope we can still be friends.
* * *
Take care,
Bruce
* * *
Gasping for air, I fold the paper and toss it on the bed.
Fuck.
Part Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Vicky
Love is an illusion.
It’s a chemical reaction that makes you blind to what the heart perceives as real. As soon as the glasses are off, it shatters you and all the parts you gave of yourself freely.
There’s no more us. No more tears. No more fights. No more breaks. No more second chances. Seconds of saying hello; months wasted on someone who wasn’t worth the time. Someone who takes a heart too easily and breaks it in an instant.
What the hell did I think would happen?
How foolish of me to ever think we had a chance.
It’s even more foolish that I ever thought he was great.
The mind replays what it cannot understand.
I expect the pain to hit me hard, but I find I’m only filled with emptiness—as if my heart’s a shell, the edges roughened, the inner padding turned to stone. I feel like someone who exists but doesn’t breathe. Everything in my mind is still, the inner clockwork laid to rest as if I’ve given up altogether.
I stash the letter in a drawer and grab my jacket in the hopes that a short walk might help me feel something.
Anything.
Because any feeling is better than the emptiness residing inside me.
I think of my sister, feeling bad for kicking her out, but really, it was for the best. For the life of me, I can’t face her, can’t listen to her apologies. Can’t hear one more word about Bruce because he’s dead to me.
There’s only one path left for me to go—move ahead with my plans, get this rehab thing over and done with. The sooner I return to my old self, erase all traces of him, the better.
Black clouds hover in the sky. A soft breeze grazes my arm, sending shivers through my body. It’s going to rain soon. I close my eyes, savoring the sensation, breathing in the raw scent of the earth, the trees, the ocean that’s close and yet too far away.
The numbness is still here, wrapped around me like a soothing cocoon.
Pretending that everything’s okay has never been so easy.
I don’t know how long I’m standing frozen to the spot, but at some point, the sky splits. Little droplets of water begin to fall, which form into rivulets, turning into a downpour soaking my clothes, my soul, washing away the memories of the special times that weren’t special to begin with.
In the midst of it all, I think of Kade.
Kade is everything Bruce isn’t.
Why can’t I be with someone like him? He makes me laugh like no one can. He makes me feel good. Around him I can be my true self.
Kade’s not only better looking, he’s also kind and generous—at least in the between-the-sheets department. But he’s a sex addict, and my friend, and that’s all he’s ever going to be.
Harboring any hope that I might ever be with him would be another big mistake. Once this is over, he’ll forget me. We both might spiral back into the vicious circle that is addiction. That’s what people say will happen. I’m going to fall in love with the next wrong guy only to have my heart broken again, and he’s going to keep fucking his way through the female population.
That’s how life is: full of mistakes, regret, and self-blame.
I let out a scream, pouring out all the anger, pouring out all I have. As my emotions rip through me, tears begin to fall.
I’m not crying because of Bruce. I’m crying because of all the mistakes I’ve made, because of what I am, what I can never be.
For months I thought I knew Bruce. Turned out I didn’t know him at all.
My feelings for him were nothing but an illusion concocted by my heart. Now I’m paying the price, because I was too blind to see we were never going to have a future together.
Night has fallen when I finally return to the main building. I enter through the old entrance next to the dining area, avoiding the first floor lobby. The antique, mahogany, grandfather clock announces that it’s midnight. Everyone should be either asleep or in the lounge room.
Kade said something about working on his memoir at night, meaning he might still be up.
Changing plans, I head for the lobby, passing the large living room quickly, and reach the entertainment room.
I find him sitting in front of a computer. His back is turned to me, as he’s typing furiously on the keyboard. To his right, three guys are playing cards, their conversation too low to understand. As I slip through the open door, they lift their gaze, eyeing me for a fraction of a second before resuming their game.
Kade isn’t alone.
My stomach drops a little.
I spin around, ready to leave, and have almost reached the door, when his voice startles me. “Where are you going?”
My whole body freezes into place.
“Back to the apartment.” I turn to face him reluctantly and find Kade frowning. He’s wearing glasses, looking kind of sexy in a nerdy way. It suits him.
“Jesus, Vicky. You look like—”
“Shit?” I shrug, fighting the urge to scowl at him. “Yeah, I know. Moisture doesn’t do my hair any favors.”
I hate my curls. Add a bit of heat or rain, and my hair turns into a curly mess. I rake my fingers through my hair and pull slightly in the hope that it might magically straighten into the smooth, glossy look everyone else seems able to achieve these days.
I don’t need a mirror to know that it’s not working.
Kade watches me in silence, his face a blank mask that keeps his emotions unreadable. Finally, he points at the seat next to him, pulling the chair out with his foot.
I take him up on his silent invitation and sit down next to him, avoiding touching him in the process.
“Actually, I was going to say that you look exhausted,” he says. His expression darkens a little, as though his words don’t please him, as he continues, “Can’t sleep?”
“No, I was actually looking for you.” As I speak out the words I realize I can’t take them back. He’ll want to know why, and I have no answers to his questions.
Why do I always have to blurt out the truth?
“For me?” He cocks his head to the side. “Seems like you’ve found me. Why were you about to head back to your room, then?”
I avert my vision, hoping that he won’t see through my lie. “You looked busy. I didn’t want to bother you.”
“You’re never bothering me. I needed the break anyway.” He smiles, offering me his half-full mug. “Coffee? It’s cold and stale but drinkable.”
My pulse speeds up.
In the past few days, he’s offered me a lot of things: his friendship, his assistance, the possibility of keeping my bed warm and my attention far away from Bruce. But offering me a sip of his coffee is a new thing. It’s intimate and sexy, in a strange way.
I peer down at the white porcelain, imagining his lips on it.
The very lips I want to feel on my skin.
I should be staying away from him, from anything that makes me crave him more, and yet I can’t.
“Thanks.” My fingers encircle the mug. Feeling his glance on me, I lift it to my lips and take a sip.
Our gaze remains entwined for what feels like forever. His expression is unreadable, but his eyes speak to me, asking, wondering, worrying.
“Where have you been, Vicky?” Kade asks slowly. “After your sister left, I went looking for you. I couldn’t find you.”
�
��I needed some fresh air to clear my head.” I force a smile to my lips, thinking of ways to change the topic without being too obvious about it. “How’s the sex book coming along?”
He gets the clue to drop it.
“Writing it is harder than I imagined.” He leans back and crosses his arms over his head. “Want to know what the most important perk of my book is?” He grins and continues, not waiting for my guess. “No real-life experiences. No drama. It’s simply fiction. And the storyline’s just changed.”
“Changed how?” I narrow my eyes as I regard him, not getting where he’s heading with this. “I thought you were going to recollect your sexual exploits.”
“It’s a little too late for that. I’ve turned it into fiction.” He turns the screen so I can read a few paragraphs. It’s a scene describing a woman stumbling into a bathroom. Judging from Kade’s description of her, and the dialogue, there’s no mistaking.
No, he didn’t!
“You’re writing about us?” I ask, flabbergasted.
“No. My story’s about a guy who’s a sex addict and he meets someone who’s in love with the idea of being in love.”
“That sounds like us.”
He shrugs, grinning. “Coincidence.”
I let out a laugh. “What are their names, Kade?”
“Kale and Viss.” His grin widens.
“Clever.” I return his smile. “Sounds like a coincidence, indeed. With those names, it would never cross anyone’s mind that you might be writing about us. So, what happens next?”
“You tell me.” His expression turns serious again. “Will she make a decision or not? That’s the big question. What do you think, Vicky?”
The insinuation is unmistakable. It’s clear he’s asking about us.
It’s been a few days since we made out.
A few days can be a long time.
I shift closer and lean into him, whispering into his ear so he’s the only one who can hear what I have to say. “I think she wants to. Very much so. I came to a decision last week, Kade.”
“I hope it’s the right one.” His eyes meet my glance, questioning, probing. At my nod, he smiles. “Is that why you’re here?”
“Yes,” I whisper. My heart’s pounding in my chest. I don’t know why, but the fact that my ridiculous attraction to him is out in the open makes me feel excited, almost anticipatory. As though I can’t wait to find out where this might be taking me.
“Good. That settles it then.” His fingers trail over the back of my hand, the motion gentle. But there’s a fire in it, a spark that’s searing my skin. “Where do you think they would want to do it?”
My body begins to tingle all over. “Near the ocean,” I whisper. “They would do near the water.”
His lips cock into a sexy grin. “You sure? It might get a bit cold.”
I ponder my choice for a moment. The image of my legs wrapped around Kade’s naked hips drives a pang of heat to my face. I can almost feel his hard body against me, inside me.
“I think so, yes,” I whisper, averting my gaze before he realizes just how much the idea intrigues me. “They would keep each other warm.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Vicky
Thanks to the Google maps software on Kade’s phone, we reach the beach in less than half an hour.
A soft breeze rustles the leaves in the nearby trees. Even though it’s too dark to make out much, we choose a spot behind a large rock, shielded from the street and hidden from anyone who might walk past. Kade spreads out a blanket, which I’m pretty sure he’s helped himself to from the broom closet on our floor. I let myself fall on it and watch as he settles beside me. The rainclouds are gone, but the air’s still carrying the scent of salty moisture and clean earth. I breathe in and hold it for a long moment before I exhale the air, feeling lightheaded from both the abundance of oxygen and the man lying beside me.
The crescent moon above us catches in the water, making it shimmer like countless black diamonds. The display is stunning, but it’s not what amazes me. It’s the stars above, twinkling in the night sky. I’ve never seen so many in one place.
“I can’t believe we haven’t been here before.” My voice sounds haunted, surreal.
“I guess I never suggested it because I’m so used to it,” Kade says.
I shoot him a sideways glance and stifle the groan building at the back of my throat. “To sex on the beach?”
He lets out a laugh—deep and hoarse and sexy as hell. “No. To seeing water. I live in California. My house is situated on a private beach.”
This is the first time he’s shared something meaningful about his present life. Even though it’s barely anything, it feels special.
“You know—” I hesitate, wondering whether I’m making a mistake by communicating my thoughts so openly. “—you’ve barely told me anything about you while I’ve practically spilled everything about my life.”
He shrugs. “I’m a private person.”
I raise my eyebrows. “You know too much about me for that. So, start spilling. Relationships?”
He shakes his head. “I’m not a commitment type of guy.”
That part was to be assumed, wasn’t it? So why the sudden disappointment washing over me?
“Except for that one girl who broke your heart, right?”
He turns to face me. “You remember that but not the part where you stripped naked?”
I let out a laugh to hide the rush of embarrassment.
“Faintly,” I whisper. “But only because I’ve been wondering if it never gets lonely.”
He cocks his head, hesitating, probably considering his words carefully. “Having sex with someone is easy. It’s the holidays that are hard. I never get involved with anyone, which means no follow-up phone call or date. No feelings, no drama.” His eyes search my face, as though he’s trying to read my emotions. When I don’t give him anything, he continues, “But there are times when it would be nice to have someone.”
“Are you going to be alone…forever?” It’s not the most obvious question I could ask, but certainly the one that bothers me the most.
He shrugs. “Why would I have to be when I have a good friend like you?”
There’s something beneath his statement—a meaning I cannot grasp.
I suck my lower lip between my teeth, too afraid to ask. But if I don’t do it, I know I’ll always wonder.
“Are you implying you’ll still want to see me after this is over?” The words whoosh past my lips as quickly as a breath.
“I’m saying you have no choice.” He laughs, the sound grazing my skin. “The program booklet says that once rehab is over, we’ll still be required to check in with our roommate. There’s even the option of becoming a sponsor, which I intend to use.”
My lips twitch. Having Kade as one’s sponsor is probably as bad as stocking up an alcoholic’s minibar with vodka bottles. “You mean I’ll have to endure more of you?”
“I figured you’d ask that.” His fingertips graze the front of my chest, unbuttoning my jacket and spreading it.
My breathing is cut short. I turn to him, almost expecting him to pull himself on top of me and do what I’ve been wanting him to do ever since I laid eyes on him. His palm travels down my stomach and comes to rest just above my hip.
“Stop it. I’m ticklish.”
“I know that.” I let out a scream as his fingers squeeze a little. “I’m going to be tickling you until you ask me to be your sponsor. Call it blackmail tickling.”
“I think you’ve just invented an expression.” Laughing, I jump up and start running. I’m headed for the water even though I’ve no intention of jumping in fully dressed. I feel Kade’s arms around my waist a moment before he spins me around. I collide with his hard chest and let myself be pulled into the soft sand.
He lands on top of me. And, wow. I feel like the temperature has just increased a few degrees.
From up close, he looks even more delectable with those sk
illed lips and the strange look in his eyes. He reminds me of a god—the bad and naughty kind. I’m holding my breath, marveling at just how perfect he feels against me. I try to look away, but I can’t. His gaze has me captured, mesmerized. My heart is slamming against my chest. If he were to lean farther into me, I’m sure he’d hear it crashing louder than the waves against the store.
“Now, what was your reply again?” His voice is hoarse, and I swear it’s not from the cool breeze. “Who will you ask to be your sponsor?”
“You.” I can barely speak, let alone breathe. “You, of course.”
“Doesn’t sound convincing.”
“That’s because I’m not sure you can handle me and all of my addictions.” I think of my therapist and the many moments of disagreements we had over the past two weeks. “I can be a handful, and I’m sure you’ll give up on your first day.”
“I like you.”
“That’s a good thing, because you need to like me as my sponsor. Right?”
“No, I like you, Vicky.” His serious tone sends a tingle through my body. “I like like you.”
My already shaky breath breaks as I realize that our conversation has turned in a different direction.
“You like me?” I can barely speak out the words. My voice is a strangled whisper, far more emotional than it should be.
I shouldn’t care whether he likes me or not, and yet it matters.
Something changes inside me. Something takes hold of my chest, squeezing it tight.
“Yes, I do.”
It seems as though his eyes stay on me for a long time, and then he kisses me as if every beat of my heart belongs to him. As if he really means it.
If only I didn’t know any better.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Kaiden