by J. C. Reed
I frown. “Why?”
“It makes life easier.” Her mouth tightens. “It’ll make it easier for me to forget you once you’re gone.”
It strikes me that she isn’t just the first woman to reject me and avoid me after we’ve had sex; she’s also the only person who’s ever accepted me for who I am.
This goes beyond friendship.
I don’t want to lose her.
I have to make sure she knows that.
“The sex calendar was nothing, Vicky,” I start. “It started out as a stupid bet. Nothing more. Nothing less. But your friendship means everything to me. Hurting you was never my intention. I want you know that.”
“You never hurt me, Kade,” she says. “You saw a challenge, and you pursued it. Your past doesn’t define you. What you did, what you were, is none of my business. I’m just glad we met.” She searches my face. “You helped me and for that I’ll always be grateful.”
“I did nothing.”
“You did, even if you didn’t realize it,” Vicky says slowly. “You were my light in the darkness. You helped me see things for how they were, not how I wanted them to be. I was blind and foolish. I couldn’t have gone through it all without you, Kade.” There’s something in her eyes—sadness, regret, I can’t tell. “You helped me get over him without ever judging me. How could I possibly judge you based on your past when you accepted me so willingly?” She smiles, but it’s a sad smile. “You made a difference in my life. But why are we even talking about this? It doesn’t matter. Nothing does. What matters is that you’re leaving and it’s all my fault.”
I wrap my arms around her, feeling the magnitude of her emotions. Of what it could mean to be without her. Seconds pass, but I can’t think of the right words to make her feel better.
“Will you stay with me one more night?” I hook my finger underneath her chin and lift her lips up to me.
“Only if we stay here. In this room. In this bed.”
I grin, getting the hint. “Good, because last time at the beach I thought we might lose our toes to frostbite.”
She lets out a laugh, and as I hug her I realize I can’t get enough of it.
I can’t get enough of her.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Kaiden
I’m on the brink of falling asleep, but somehow rest just won’t come. The soft moonlight is streaming through the window, bright enough to illuminate contours of the woman snuggling in my arms. It must be around four a.m.—only four more hours until I’m expected to leave.
Vicky and I are both silent, lost in our thoughts. We’ve been drifting in and out of sleep, too afraid to fall asleep, too afraid to lose those final moments together. At some point, she stirs, her voice a mere murmur as she speaks.
“I’m sorry. I had no idea this would end so badly.”
“Shit was prone to happen.”
“I know, but I’m still sorry. You’re leaving because of me.”
“To be fair, you did warn me.” I wrap my arms around her body and pull her closer to me. She smells like she always does—of sweet roses and warmth. “Come on, Vicky. This isn’t so bad. I’m not dying. I’m just getting out of here. You should be happy for me. I’ll get some change in food, and they’re even throwing in a free plane ticket to London to get rid of me.”
“You’re not funny.” In spite of her reproachful tone, a soft smile’s playing on her lips and her eyes are sparkling. “You’re risking your company. No man’s ever done something like that for me.”
“Then you haven’t met the right man.”
“What you did…” She shakes her head.
“Whatever happens, I did it for you. You’re worth it.”
“I want to be mad at you.”
“No need for that.” I kiss the tip of her nose gently. “A simple thank you would be appreciated but not required. Maybe you have a good parting gift in mind, something to remember you by when I lie awake alone at night.”
“Alone, huh?” There is a short pause. “God, Kade. Why the hell did you have to lie that you blackmailed me?”
“You know why. I’d rather be the perpetrator than you getting in trouble. Though truth be told, we both know you have a little crazy streak.”
“I don’t think I do,” Vicky protests half-heartedly.
“You climbed up the rose trellis in the middle of the night.”
“It’s not the middle of the night, and I’m really good at climbing.” Her laughter is quiet, but it’s the most beautiful laughter I’ve heard in my life.
“You should demonstrate those skills by climbing on top of me.” I wink at her, even though I hope Vicky will honor my request rather than see it as a joke.
“They asked me if I wanted to report it,” Vicky says.
“And did you?”
“Of course not. I tried to convince them that you weren’t to blame but they wouldn’t listen.”
“I bet you did. Seriously, it’s not a big deal, Vicky. I’m expected to do six more weeks in London, and that’s it. No one can force me to stay. No one can keep me away from you forever. I don’t have to attend court-mandated rehab like you, so I’ll be out sooner than you think. And I’ve been told the London institution is a piece of cake compared to this. I’ll get a phone and even have access to the Internet.”
“I bet they’ll supervise every step.”
I laugh. “Now don’t be jealous, baby. I bet I’ll have a blast.” I turn to take in her beautiful features. She looks serious, thoughtful. “Are you going to miss me?”
“Never. I don’t know how you’d even come to the conclusion that I might miss you.”
“Maybe you will after I’m done with you.” I switch on the nightstand light and walk over to my packed luggage.
“What are you doing?” Vicky asks warily.
“Close your eyes.”
“Absolutely not. You can’t be trusted. You’ll do something stupid.” In spite of her protest, she does as requested.
I find the blue box hidden between my clothes and place it into her hands.
“What’s this?” She turns the box around, then looks up to me.
“A gift. I wanted to give it to you after finishing therapy, but I guess it’s my parting gift now.” I gesture at it. “Come on. Open it.”
She takes her time looking at the box, turning it in her hands. I can sense her hesitation, as though she can’t make up her mind whether to open it or not. Eventually, she puts it on the bed beside her, ignoring the small note that’s attached to it. I tense, unsure what to make of her reaction.
Why does every moment I spend with her feel like it might be the last?
“I’m going to miss this. You,” Vicky says. “I’m going to miss every little thing that we have.”
“I’m going to miss you, too. More than you’ll ever know.” I brush her hair back from her face and plant a soft kiss on her forehead. She closes her eyes, breathing hard.
“I’m sorry that you have to leave. It’s too soon, unexpected.”
“Don’t be.” I kiss her cheek, my lips brushing gently over her skin. “You, Victoria Sullivan, don’t need to be sorry for anything. Every moment we shared was worth it.”
“Yeah. We had a great time.” As she nods her red hair falls into her eyes, and I realize she isn’t just incredibly sexy. She seems haunted. There’s so much about her I want to know. She isn’t any woman; she has become a part of my existence.
“I keep wondering what would happen if things were different.” This is it: that one step I’ve been wanting to take but didn’t dare. I suck in my breath, waiting for her reply.
“Different how?” Vicky asks.
I look into her beautiful hazel eyes and notice how deep they seem. If her eyes were her soul, I would want to lose myself in them. Her soul. Her mind. Her heart. I’d take them all to hold and guard forever.
“I can’t imagine you not being in my life anymore, Vicky. Now that Bruce is out of the picture, I want us to have a fresh start.�
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“Bruce was never really in the picture. He was never much of competition to you. Not now. Not four weeks ago.”
“I wouldn’t have cared either way. I want to see you again. Meet me at the Four Seasons in Portland on August the fourth.” I fight the urge to repeat myself to make sure she won’t forget the date.
She looks at me, open-mouthed. “For real?”
“For real. A real date outside this place.”
Her body stiffens, as though the word ‘date’ doesn’t resonate well with her. “Sounds like something that might violate at least one of those rules of yours.”
“True. But the beauty of rules is that they’re made to be broken.”
Her expression softens a little, but the mistrust doesn’t completely disappear. “Why do you want to see me?”
“I think I’ve made myself pretty clear. I want to continue things.” I wrap my hand around hers, forcing her to really look at me. “Even if we hadn’t been found out, one more week together wouldn’t have been enough. We would have wanted to find a way to see each other again.”
“I don’t know.” She shakes her head and lets out a long, drawn-out breath. “It’s probably not a good idea. We’ll never work out.” There’s regret in her eyes, but also hope. Her feelings don’t match her words, which ignites more determination in me. I want her. I want this.
“My therapist says that relationships and friendships formed during rehab don’t last. They’re a temporary phase that’s not real. Whatever we have, whatever we think is real, it’s short-lived.”
My eyes narrow. “I don’t believe that.”
“But I do, Kade. Why should we be the exception?”
“Because to us, their rules never applied. I might have needed a bit of straightening out, but I was never an addict. Neither were you.”
“Look, Kade. For the first time in my life I feel free. Free from worries. Free from expectations. As much as I want to claim that I didn’t learn anything from this place, I can’t because it’s not true. While I still want a relationship, marriage, kids, I don’t want to go back to a place where I can’t trust myself, where I’m repeating the same mistakes over and over again.”
“You wouldn’t,” I cut her off.
“But that’s the thing. I might. We have to be realistic,” Vicky says grimly. “We both want different things from life because we’re different. As much as we both want to believe that we don’t have issues, the truth is that we do. We’re just too afraid to admit it.” She pauses for a moment during which her expression hardens. I know instantly she’s mentally preparing for the big blow. “If we had met outside in the real world, in a real place, you would never have fallen in love with me. You wouldn’t have paid me a second thought. I would have been one of your numbers. Just like all the other women in your life, I would have waited for a call that would never have come. You would have ignored my texts, which in turn would have fueled my obsessive stalker streak. A week later, and you might not even have been able to remember my name or face.”
She closes her eyes, probably to hide the waves of hurt wafting from her. As much as I want to pretend otherwise, her words ring true. Yes, that jerk was me, a few weeks ago. But that’s no longer me.
“Vicky—”
“No.” She holds up her hand, stopping me. “Please. Let’s just enjoy this moment as long as it lasts.”
“I thought you were addicted to me.” As much as I’m addicted to you I want to add, but for some reason, can’t.
“That’s the thing. I am, which is why we can’t see each other again.” Her tone is earnest, resolute. “There’s a difference between allowing yourself to fall in love and loving obsessively. Between fantasy and reality. I can imagine myself falling in love with you, but that would probably turn into your worst nightmare.”
“Maybe I want you to. Loving hard is not wrong; it’s not an obsession, no matter what other people say.”
“I can’t let myself go through all of that again.” She gets up, hesitating.
“Are you leaving already?”
“That might be the best thing to do. I don’t want a confrontation tarnishing my memory of us.” Her shoulders slump under the weight of her decision. “Look, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but that’s as far as it goes.”
Fuck!
This isn’t going as planned. “Forget the date. I’m not asking for a relationship. I’m just asking to see you again, as a friend.” I meet her resolute gaze. “I just want to know that you’re okay.”
“I’ll be okay. Goodbye, Kade. And thank you.” She heads over to the window.
I curse under my breath.
“Vicky.”
She opens the window. I jump up from the bed and in a few steps I join her. I want to touch her but sense that she might not welcome it. She meets my gaze, and that’s when I notice the tears shimmering in her eyes. Realization dawns on me.
Leaving is not what she wants.
The prospect of never seeing me again hurts her as much as it hurts me.
She smiles bitterly. “I can’t see you again.”
She doesn’t protest as I wrap my arms around her and pull her against my chest. “I won’t give up on you. I won’t give up on us. Agree to meet me, Vicky, and we’ll take it from there.”
“You’ll give up eventually.” Rising up on her toes, she places a soft kiss on my lips. For a moment, her heart’s beating against mine, and in that instant, I know I’ll fight to win her heart. Maybe not today. Maybe not in the next six weeks. But there will be a right time.
“Goodbye, Kade,” Vicky whispers.
This time I don’t stop her because for the time being there’s nothing I can do to change her mind.
I watch her as she climbs out the window and I linger there long after she’s disappeared in the darkness.
It’s only after she’s gone that reality hits me.
She hasn’t agreed to seeing me again. Not because she doesn’t want to. Not because we’re different. But because she’s probably right—to some extent.
There’s no guarantee that we’d work out.
I have to let her face the real world again before I can expect any promise from her. And there’s also the fact that I still have to face my own demons—our demons.
The trouble is…I don’t mind.
What I can’t face is the possibility that she might never change her mind. I set my jaw and return to the bed as I ponder over possibilities.
But there’s only one outcome that appeals to me.
I’ve never wanted a woman more than I want Vicky.
This is no longer a mission to fuck her.
I have only one quest now: to make her mine.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Vicky
What happens when love gets complicated?
You love hard…and fall harder.
Gravity knows no boundaries. That’s what Kade is to me: my gravity. The one thing I can’t pull away from. He made it all so easy. And just as things were about to take a great turn, a single mistake tore him away from me.
But have the few weeks we spent together changed anything? Made him less of an addict? Less of a person who enjoys the physical side of a relationship, no feelings involved?
Everything feels hopeless. Depressing. Lonely.
I make my way back to our apartment, even though the knowledge that he’s gone is crushing me. There’s no more us. No more of his smile.
I’m going to miss him.
Miss us.
His body. His scent. His warmth. The thousand kisses we shared. The touch of his hand. The way he made me feel complete.
I’ve just left all of that behind, and it already feels like the biggest mistake of my life.
I make sure to lock the door behind me and kick off my shoes, letting my tears flow freely. My mind is broken, torn by my choice of what I thought was the right thing to do.
Refusing to see him again...how could I ever think it might be easy to forg
et him?
But I have to. For us, for myself.
For the first time in my life, I’m going to put away my feelings, bury them deep in the crevices of my heart. Put away all my hopes, wishes, dreams—anything that involves Kade.
Revealing to him that I was addicted to him was only half the truth.
I’m in love with him; it’s crystal clear now.
At first I wasn’t sure. This feeling of love can easily be confused with obsession or attraction or a need to fill a void. But there’s more to it, and it goes beyond the physical. I fear losing him, but I also want to see him happy. I want him to go his way in life even though that path might not involve me.
My steps are hesitant as I head for his former room. I don’t switch on the lights but let my eyes adjust to the darkness. The bed’s still how we left it—tangled, a mess. The scent of us still lingering in the air.
The memory of us rolls before my eyes. His presence is so strong, I almost expect him to appear in the doorway, sporting his usual sexy smile.
I close my eyes and press a hand against my chest. There’s a dull ache as I recall the look on his face when I said goodbye. I sink into the sheets and inhale his scent.
Kade Wright was perfection—everything about him was.
It’s hard to believe that only a day ago we were living in our happy little bubble. We should have played by the rules, but instead made the night our day.
We never stood a chance. I should have seen right from the beginning that the outcome could only be shattering.
I brush my tears from my face and get up again, but I don’t leave his room just yet.
It was the right choice, I tell myself.
I have to believe that.
Someone new is moving in tomorrow.
I don’t want a new roommate—someone who’ll replace Kade’s scent. But I have no say in the matter.
How long will it take him to forget me? One day? A week?
How long will it take me to forget him? Months? Years? Never?
I have to head back to my room before someone finds me in here, but for the life of me, I can’t find the strength to get up. I sink into the pillows and close my eyes. As sleep is about to engulf me, countless thoughts race through my mind.