"I can't remember how many times I've been cheated on. My checking account has been cleaned out twice and all of my furniture disappeared once. My car has been thrashed and all of the windows in my house have been broken. I've been slapped and pushed and called horrible names."
Gretchen choked on her words, but continued on. "I came home from work a few months ago to find my girlfriend, in my bed, sandwiched happily between two men and she couldn't even remember their names. They didn't even bother to stop. She tried to get me to join in and called me a prude when I refused."
Carrie felt sick.
"It's always something," Gretchen cried. "I'm too sexually adventurous. I'm not adventurous enough. I'm too focused on material comfort. I don't have enough education. My politics are all wrong. I'm godless or I worship the wrong god. It's not fair that I only pay half the bills. I don't care enough. I care too much." Gretchen's face twisted up in self-recrimination. "I don't know what I'm doing wrong!"
Carrie couldn't fix what Gretchen was saying in her head. It seemed so at odds with the woman she had come to know. It was flat impossible to believe that Gretchen was at fault in any of it. The idea that she somehow deserved such treatment was ludicrous. Perhaps her choices in women were poor, but Carrie couldn't believe that Gretchen was unlovable: that she was doing something in her everyday life that drove women mad. Granted, she didn't know what Gretchen was like at home, but even so…
"You're afraid I'll leave you, too," Carrie said quietly. "That I'll hurt you and leave you alone."
Gretchen nodded through fresh tears.
Carrie kissed her forehead. "I'm not like them, babe. You'll see."
"No," Gretchen cried. "I need…"
Carrie waited for a moment, but Gretchen didn't speak. "Tell me, Gretchen. Whatever it is, tell me."
Gretchen couldn't stop crying and she spoke through her sobs. "I need one good memory. I need to have one memory to cherish-one thing no one can take away from me. I need a memory I can hold in my heart when they cheat and steal and scream that they hate me. I need one person who loved me and didn't leave. I need to know that dreams are possible. Just one thing to make me feel hope."
"Hope for what?"
"Hope that someday I'll find someone."
Carrie looked full into Gretchen's face. "And if I'm her?" She watched as Gretchen struggled for the control to speak.
"If something seems too good to be true, it is."
Carrie was stunned into silence. All the pieces slid neatly into place and she could see for the first time how broken Gretchen felt. She knew that Gretchen was on retreat with a support group, but it never really occurred to her that Gretchen had a reason for being in it. The epiphany brought no joy-only grief-and she let her tears fall unchecked. She knew that Gretchen loved her. She knew that she was the best thing Gretchen had ever felt and she knew she had to let her go. There was nothing she could say or do that would break through Gretchen's fear in a single night without destroying any chance that one day they might be together.
Carrie looked up at the stars with a watery gaze and searched for a spark of hope in her own heart. When she found it, she nurtured the uncertain flicker until she felt strong enough to be what Gretchen needed.
Gretchen's hands were knotted tightly against her chest and Carrie gently took one. She eased her hand open and laid it over her heart. She looked into Gretchen's tormented face. "Can you feel my heartbeat?" Gretchen hesitated a moment and then nodded. "Listen to me very carefully." Carrie poured all of her emotion into her voice in an effort to make her believe. "I love you. And I know that you love me just as much. Until it's time to go, that's all there is between us. Just love."
She ignored Gretchen's sobs and began making love to her. Their bodies were desperately intent on wringing every last moment of intimacy and bliss from their time together and the only words they spoke were of love.
Carrie woke late and instantly knew she was alone. Even knowing, she still had to see. She sat up and looked around the small beach. All of Gretchen's things were gone and it took her a moment to identify what was different beyond that one devastating fact.
Small river rocks had been collected and placed beside her to spell the words 'I love you'. Carrie felt something relentless come out of the ground and enter her body. It moved faster and faster until it erupted from her throat and echoed off the hills. She could feel leaves shake loose from the trees and rocks tremble. For a moment, the river reversed course.
She fell to the side and sobbed until she was empty of all but that tiny flicker of hope and she embraced it. With her mission firmly in place, Carrie collected every rock Gretchen had left for her, threw her belongings together in a jumble and headed downstream. She felt clearer, more focused and more driven than ever before. Less than 10 minutes later she found Bruce waiting for her on the path with concern in his eyes. He waded out to walk beside her.
"It's over then." It wasn't a question.
"That's what she thinks," Carrie said with grim purpose.
Bruce grinned. "You go, girl."
~***~
Chapter Eleven
Gretchen took a seat in the back and stuffed her pillow between her head and the side of the van. Folding her arms to protect her bruised heart, she closed her eyes and willed the others to leave her in peace. Her eyes were dry, but she cried all the way back to town. She felt alternately hopeless and grateful. She had her memory and she was both lifted up by it and cast into the abyss. She knew Carrie was hurting-she imagined she could feel it-and she regretted it. She could only hope that her last message was understood. Always and forever she would remember Carrie with nothing but love. She hoped that Carrie's family would be there for her and ease some of the pain.
The other women in the van carried on their own conversations and did not pressure her to talk. Even Linda was very nearly personable. The miles stretched endlessly and it seemed to take longer to get home than it had taken to get up to the campsite. It was with relief that they finally pulled up to Rachel's house. Unloading the van and getting everyone's belongings sorted out took some time, but at the end of it Rachel collected them all in a group hug. Gretchen didn't especially like the group hugs-they were too impersonal and unsatisfying-but she participated because it was expected of her. Rachel set the date for their next meeting and Gretchen honestly didn't know if she would go or not.
Rachel followed her to her car and put her hand on the door to prevent her opening it. "I'm worried about you, Gretchen."
She leaned back against her Toyota and firmly pushed her pain away. "I'm okay. Really."
"I know you want me to believe that," Rachel said with understanding. "But I don't."
Gretchen folded her arms and ground her teeth before speaking. "I'm exactly where I choose to be. No one did this to me. I have what I wanted and I'll learn to live with it. Today is probably the hardest."
"I hope it was worth it," Rachel said with tenderness and compassion. "Call me at any time if you want to talk. Anything you tell me outside the group stays private. I promise."
"Thanks, Rachel. For everything." She accepted Rachel's hug in the spirit with which it was given, then waved goodbye to the others and drove away. Her first stop, and the one she needed most, was at the kennel to pick up Rupert, her six-year-old Chow.
"How's my big boy? Oh, yes!" She laughed as he licked her face in a frenzy of excitement. "Mommy missed her handsome little man," she crooned. "Yes, she did!" He was wiggling too hard to allow a truly satisfying hug, but Gretchen knew he would be all over her once he had a chance to get home and realize that things were back to normal. She paid the second half of the boarding fee with genuine thanks and took Rupert out to the car. "Do you want to go home, Ru?"
He barked until she opened the car door and then began to bounce from front seat to back. She slid into the driver's seat and he took a long, investigative sniff at her hair. His interest and antics restored some of her humor and the rest of the drive home was a pleasure.
Rupert raced through the house, rolling on the carpet and making sure no one had peed on his favorite backyard post. Gretchen carried her things inside and began getting her life back on track. There was a sadness to it, but it was comforting as well.
All of her plants needed watering and the mail needed to be dealt with. She put her camping clothes in the laundry and threw the hated sleeping bag out in the carport. She wasn't sure what she was going to do with it, but she knew she was never going to use it again. She considered taking it back to the store and having words with the clerk, but decided it wouldn't do any good. Most of the messages on her machine were from tele-marketers and the rest were from people she considered part-time friends.
When everything was in satisfactory order, Gretchen ran a hot bath and eased into it with a groan of pleasure. The hot water was soothing to muscles stiff and sore from lovemaking and her heart catalogued each spot for future retrieval.
She was snuggling with Rupert on the sofa later that evening when the phone rang. She reached over her head for it without needing to look. "Hello."
"Welcome home," Janelle's cheerful voice rang out. "How was your trip?"
After being best friends for nine years and co-workers for over four, this was the one person Gretchen was most relieved to hear on the other end of the line. "Not bad. How did things go at work?"
"You don't even want to know. Besides, I didn't call about work. Are you glad you went?"
Gretchen's heart broke and soared at the same time. "Very."
"From the way you talked, you didn't think you'd have a good time. They must be easier to get along with than you thought."
"Sometimes, yes. Other times, no. But all in all it went pretty well."
There was silence on the line for a long moment. "You sound kind of depressed. What's wrong?"
"I'm just very tired." It wasn't a complete lie. "I'm lying here with Rupert trying to catch up on what's been going on in the world. I think I'll skip dinner and go to bed."
"Okay. Do you want to get together tomorrow? You can show me your tan lines and bug bites and I'll tell you about Carlos."
"Who's Carlos?"
"A guy I met in the grocery store."
Gretchen smiled tiredly at Janelle's naughty tone of voice. "You're not going to show up at the crack of dawn, are you?"
"On a Sunday? I'll aim for noon like always."
"Okay. See you then."
~***~
Chapter Twelve
Gretchen was watering the front lawn when Janelle drove up in her ancient (It's a classic!) El Camino. She shook her head with a patient grin as it struggled to stay running even as Janelle bounced up the walk. She was starting to wonder if it intended to take itself for a drive when it choked and died with an exaggerated sigh.
"I still think that hunk of junk is sentient," Gretchen said.
"It should be after all the attention I give it."
Gretchen returned Janelle's hug, careful to keep the hose pointed away from her. Janelle sat down on her front steps as she dragged the hose over so she could reach the nasturtiums that grew outside her bedroom window. "So, tell me about Carlos. How did you meet?"
"Produce, of course. It's the best place because you can tell right away if they're gay or married."
"How do you figure that?"
"Gay men know how to pick ripe fruit and married men don't shop for produce."
Gretchen grimaced at Janelle's matter-of-fact statement. "You do know how terribly stereotypical that is, don't you?"
"Stereotypes exist for a reason," Janelle pointed out. "Anyhow, he was trying to figure out which watermelon to buy and I helped him."
"Were you there for a reason or just cruising?"
"Both, of course! You know I never go to the store just to shop."
"Actually," Gretchen admitted. "I didn't know that. So then what happened?"
"I asked him to help me pick out condoms."
Gretchen flung water in Janelle's direction.
"It is his area of expertise," Janelle complained. "And it sends an important message right off the bat." She paused for effect. "That I'm available."
Gretchen smiled with affection. "Tramp."
"Ouch! That hurts."
"Yeah, right. Did he call yet?"
"Of course! He's taking me to see Macy Gray next Friday."
"Lucky you!"
Janelle leaned back on her elbows with satisfaction. "He's cute, too."
"I hope it works out." Gretchen turned off the water and coiled the hose neatly. She pushed at Janelle with her knee as she went inside and Janelle followed her.
"So tell me more about your trip. Did you sit around and cry all the time? Or did you have fun?"
Gretchen knew it was inevitable that she would tell her friend all about Carrie, but she just couldn't say it straight out. This was going to be one of those times that she needed the information drug out of her a piece at a time. "I learned to skip rocks," she offered.
"Ooh!" Janelle wiggled her fingers. "Sounds exciting."
"It was. I guess you had to be there."
"Not me," she said with relief. "It's not camping unless there's an RV and satellite television." Janelle sat down at the kitchen table. "I'm dying to know what seven lesbians do for fun when they're stranded in the wilderness. Fill me in."
"Just camping stuff," Gretchen shrugged. "Swimming, hiking, talking, camp fires, roasting marshmallows, swatting bugs. The usual. One day they wove little baskets out of grass and another day they picked berries for a cobbler."
"They?" Janelle's eyes concentrated on her. "What were you doing?"
Gretchen opened the refrigerator and pulled out a couple of sodas. She shook one up and slid it across the table to her friend. "I went for a walk."
"I know that look," Janelle grinned. She slipped a finger under the tab and pointed the can at Gretchen. "Don't make me mess up your kitchen. You've got a secret lover and you will tell me all about it. Which one was it?"
"None." Gretchen ducked and held up her hand. "I swear!"
"Then who? I thought you were going someplace isolated."
"We did."
"But?"
Gretchen pulled out a chair and sat down opposite Janelle. "There was a campground a couple of miles downstream."
"No way." Janelle's eyes were huge. "So, who is she? What's she like? How did you meet? When are you going to see her again?"
Gretchen wondered how long it would take to stop tearing up every time she thought about Carrie.
"Hey," her friend said with concern. "Hey, what happened?"
Gretchen tried to smile as she brushed a tear away. "I fell in love."
"But that's great, isn't it? How does she feel about you?"
"She loves me, too, but it will never work out."
"Why? Is she married? Dying? What?"
Gretchen shook her head and stared at the soda can between her hands. "Nothing like that. She's perfect. But it would never work between us and we agreed not to see each other again. It's for the best."
"Did you sleep with her?"
Memory ambushed her with a shiver. "Yes."
"You just met someone camping and went to bed with her."
Gretchen was uncomfortable with the way that sounded. "It wasn't like that."
"Well?" Janelle crooked her fingers as if beckoning her.
"We talked and went for walks and swam and played mostly. I've never felt so safe or relaxed with anyone before. Making love was just an extension of what we felt."
"How long did you spend with her?"
"Most of four days."
Janelle's face tightened with concentration. "If you love each other, why did you decide not to see each other again? Whose idea was it?"
Mine. "We talked about it, Janelle. We decided together."
Janelle buried her face in her hands and groaned. "Oh, Gretchen. What if she was The One?"
"You don't even believe in The One, Janelle." Gretchen felt the need to just
ify herself. "You tell me that all the time. You laugh at me for hoping. Don't start giving me a hard time because this time I got smart." Gretchen was on her feet and in spite of the fact that she was crying, she felt angry. "This time, I left. And I did it when everything was good. They were the best four days of my life and she can never take them away or call them a lie or make them ugly. She let me go because she understood. Not because she doesn't love me. She does love me, damn it! She does!"
Gretchen's anger vanished and she ran to her room. She slammed the door and fell to her bed weeping. A few seconds later, Janelle crawled over her and took her in her arms. Gretchen buried her face in her shoulder, grateful for a sympathetic place to express her anguish.
"You stupid little twit," Janelle soothed. "What am I going to do with you?"
"She does love me," Gretchen insisted.
"I believe you. I just…never mind. Cry it all out and then you can tell me how wonderful she was."
~***~
Chapter Thirteen
Getting back to work helped her make the final transition from fantasy to reality. It took most of the first week back to straighten out the confusion left by her absence and Janelle ran a discreet screen for her so no one would delve too deeply into her trip. But even when she was most distracted, her body and spirit remembered Carrie. She felt tired all the time and was worried at first that she was coming down with something, but she finally decided it was emotional and knew that it would pass eventually.
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