Gretchen was in shock at the change in Linda. She hadn't seemed any different at the last meeting and now she was suddenly considerate and peaceable. She looked at Rachel for a clue and saw a knowing smile. Reassured that it was a change in Linda and not another sign of her impending insanity, Gretchen pretended not to notice.
Brooke returned to her question. "Was she different somehow?"
Gretchen allowed her feelings for Carrie to surface for a moment so she could examine them. "I think so, but it's hard to be sure. I find myself doubting how I feel about everything. I loved her at the time and I still miss her constantly, but I'm not sure if I can trust that it was love." She pulled her legs up underneath her and snuggled into the corner of the couch. "I've been thinking about love at first sight. Now that I've had a chance to process it, I have an answer if anyone wants to hear it."
Linda grinned and the others nodded. "I do believe in it," Gretchen said. "But I don't think that it's enough. I love a lot of things, but being in love is entirely different. Love can happen in an instant, but being in love takes time and commitment. I think that love at first sight, as a reality, probably only happens to men. I think women need more. We need security and trust on every level and that just doesn't happen in a second. The potential for being in love can happen in a heartbeat, but it takes time for it to become actualized. If it feels like love at first sight and then grows into being in love, it can be said that it's a real phenomenon. But I think it would be more accurate to say that women experience attraction at first sight and most of the time it turns out to be an illusion."
Wendy was listening closely. "What was it you felt for her? Love at first sight or attraction at first sight?"
"It felt like love at first sight," Gretchen admitted. "Now that I'll never see her again, I can call it that and there isn't any reason to think otherwise."
"That's why you decided not to see each other," Kirsten said slowly. "So that you could be in love with her for the rest of your life and never risk that it wasn't real."
Gretchen hugged a pillow to her chest and tried to pretend she didn't have tears in her eyes. "Something like that."
Brooke sat back and folded her arms. "Maybe I'm not getting it, but that sounds like the stupidest thing I ever heard. What if it really was love and you threw it away? How do you live with the uncertainty?"
Gretchen lifted her chin. "I'm doing the best that I can, Brooke. I don't have all the answers. But if her memory helps me not jump helter skelter into substandard relationships, it's all worth it."
The conversation spread into other areas and Gretchen tried to pay attention, but she couldn't help wondering if she had made the right choice. When the meeting broke up, Rachel made a point of holding her back. Linda was the last to leave and Rachel brought a bottle of scotch and two shot glasses to the coffee table.
"You look like you could use a drink."
"Only if you'll have one with me."
"Of course," Rachel laughed. She poured for the both of them and they drank without ritual.
"What's up with Linda?" Gretchen asked. "She was almost sensitive."
"Just between you and I, she's been coming around to the fact that her attitude incites negative reactions in other people ever since the camping trip. She went to a doctor and discussed it with her. She started taking medications about three weeks ago. They take a while to kick in and they seem to be working."
"Wow." Gretchen shook her head. "I don't usually subscribe to the idea that we should medicate our moods, but she definitely seems better."
"I've always thought she should be on medication, but it was never my place to suggest it. Her attitude always seemed to be out of her control to me, so I'm glad to see that she's taking charge of it. I talked to her the other day about it and she feels much happier with herself. She can finally see how abrasive she was and it embarrasses her."
"Maybe she really did need it. I'm glad for her."
Rachel poured them another round and sat back with her drink in her hand. "You've gone through a lot of changes recently, too."
"I don't understand them all yet. Most of what I said tonight was brand new and it may take some time to put it all in perspective."
Rachel searched her face. "You did love her."
Gretchen bit off her tears and nodded.
"You still love her. In my opinion, you should find her and talk to her. I think I understand why you want her to be in your past, but you may never love anyone like that again and it would be a sin to let it go. It's not too late to go to her. I'll never say this again, but I think ending it to begin with was senseless and cruel. For both of you."
Gretchen wiped her tears away and downed her second drink. "Sometimes I agree with you, but I just couldn't take her away from her family. They're so close."
"I'm close to my family as well," Rachel remarked. "Very close. It's a nine-hour drive to where they live, but we talk on the phone all the time and we get together several times a year. Being apart makes our gatherings that much more precious and I don't have to deal with any of the unpleasant things."
"I don't think her family has unpleasantness."
"All families have unpleasantness. I don't have to attend school plays and recitals and Little League games or buy cookies and gift-wrap and sponsor walk-a-thons. I don't have to baby-sit at the drop of the hat or get sucked into little family squabbles. I get to hear about everything after it's resolved and has become a joke. When we do get together, everyone is happy to see me and I get to be the star attraction. Living apart from family is not a terrible thing."
"Still," Gretchen insisted, "I couldn't ask her to leave them. She needs them."
Rachel sighed. "I just hope you made the right choice."
They sat in silence for a few minutes. "Was there a specific reason you wanted me to stay after?"
Rachel frowned to herself and leaned forward to set her drink on the table. "I need a favor and I'm a little uncomfortable about asking."
"Why?"
"Asking for help is not my strong point; especially from a group member. I feel like it's my function to provide help, not receive it."
"I think we both know," Gretchen said gently, "that I'll be moving on now. If not this meeting, then the next. I've done what I needed to do in group."
"That's what I thought."
"What can I do for you, Rachel?"
"It's not really for me." Rachel seemed nervous. "I'm looking for information for someone else. I saw a program recently on television. It was about women who lose…sexual function after having a hysterectomy. I guess it happens a lot more than people think."
"It does." Gretchen had heard about this and she remembered seeing the program as well. "It wasn't that long ago that doctors believed menstrual cramps were a figment of our imagination. It's only been just recently that the medical profession has started talking about this new problem and even then they can't all agree that it even happens. Just because they can point to a body part or explain its function doesn't mean that they understand how it all works together. It makes perfect sense to me that a hysterectomy could destroy a link in the chain of sexual response. A woman's sexual response is far more difficult to understand and quantify than a man's is. You can bet that if men were becoming impotent after vasectomies, there would be congressional intervention."
Gretchen stopped herself. It was too easy to jump on the soapbox and start ranting, but that wasn't what Rachel needed. The thought of all the misery that women were experiencing over this particular thing made her sick to her stomach. She worried that Rachel was the one it had happened to, but then tiny pieces of information clicked into a believable picture. "Kirsten."
Rachel slumped, her face a mask of pain, and Gretchen knew the rest. "You're in love with her." The agony in Rachel's eyes told it all. "Does she know?"
"I don't know. It's complicated."
Gretchen nodded in sympathy. Now she knew what to do. "I know of a doctor-not in my office-who is furious t
hat nothing is being done on a large scale to find a way to treat it. She's relatively new to this area, but from the few times I've had contact with her, she's sharp. At the very least, she will validate it as a real and serious problem. She intimidates a lot of the male doctors, but then, they think it's a psychosomatic issue. If there's anyone in this area who knows what's going on and the treatments that are being tried, it's her. I know for sure she has several patients who have suffered the same loss and maybe she would be willing to introduce Kirsten to other women so she can talk about it. If you've got a phone book, I can circle her number for you."
In seconds, Rachel was sitting next to her as she flipped through the yellow pages. "There she is."
Rachel began to cry, but she was smiling, too. "Thank you, Gretchen. No matter what happens, I owe you one."
"Oh, please!" Gretchen threw her arm over Rachel's shoulders. "You do so much for us and we do so little in return. I just hope Kirsten gets some help and you two work it out. I think you'd be great together and if there's anything else I can do, just let me know."
~***~
Chapter Sixteen
Gretchen left work on Friday with no idea what she was going to do over the weekend. She was in her car with the engine running before she saw the notepaper under her windshield wiper. It wasn't uncommon to find flyers for events and services on her car after work and she didn't give it much thought until she had it in her hand. Unlike the usual missives, this one was handwritten in graceful, flowing script. She felt the blood draining from her body as she read.
I was wrong to let you believe that I could walk away and never see you again. You are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. You are my dream and I believe in dreams with all my heart. When you are ready to talk, call me at any hour. Carrie Griffith
A local phone number was written at the bottom of the page and Gretchen cried with a poignant blend of joy and fear. She knew in an instant that the woman she had been seeing around town was Carrie. She put her forehead to the steering wheel in disbelieving shock. "Omigod…omigod…omigod…"
"Hey, Gretchen. What's wrong?"
Janelle had her hand on the open window and was looking in at her with concern. Gretchen put her head back against the headrest of her seat. "She's here."
"Who?"
"Carrie." Gretchen held the note up. "She's here. It's her I've been seeing. She was here. At my car. She was right here."
Janelle took the note and quickly scanned it. "Oh, Gretchen! This is so romantic!"
Gretchen closed her eyes and shook her head. "This is wrong. All wrong. She's not supposed to be here."
"But this is wonderful! She really does love you!"
"She's not supposed to be here!"
She is here," Janelle said firmly. "And it's about damn time. When you're not manic, you mope. I'm getting pretty sick of it."
Gretchen snatched the note out of Janelle's hand. "I'm sorry you find me so difficult to be around." She put the Toyota in gear and drove home with bleary eyes and a timorous heart.
By the time she got home, she was on the edge of the first panic attack of her life. She locked her doors, pulled the shades and disconnected the phone before crawling into bed with the shakes. Rupert lay on the floor next to the bed and whined in confusion. Gretchen's mind raced in denial and her panic escalated into tears. She wept until she felt sick and staggered into the bathroom to throw up. Brushing her teeth afterwards, her anger began to rise. When it was strong enough to protect her, she plugged her phone in and called Carrie's number.
"Hello."
Gretchen almost caved when she heard Carrie's husky voice. "What do you think you're doing? You promised it would be over."
"I never promised," Carrie said in a quiet voice.
Gretchen knew this was true and it just made her angrier. "I asked you not to come here. We talked about this and it will never work."
"Why not?"
"Because! We don't know anything about each other! What happened between us was a illusion-an aberration!"
"I don't believe that and I don't think you do either."
Carrie's utter calm was infuriating. "You said you would be my memory and now you've ruined it for me! How can I ever trust you again? You should never have come here!" Gretchen was shaking with rage.
"I had to come," Carrie said simply.
"Why?"
"Because I love you."
Gretchen couldn't frame a coherent reply so she slammed the phone down. It wasn't satisfying enough so she slammed it again. Not being in the best frame of mind to make decisions, Gretchen allowed herself to have a fit.
Her phone was obviously broken by the time she felt better and Rupert was fussing at the back door to be let out. Unplugging the phone from the wall, she carried it into the kitchen and dropped it in the trash before letting Rupert out into the back yard. She sat down at the kitchen table with a beer and tried to sort out her conflicting emotions.
The temptation to find Carrie and go to her was central in her heart. But what to do then was uncertain. She could try to convince her to go home to her family. She could fall into her arms and let fate determine their destiny. She had a completely irrational urge to grab Carrie by the ears and shake some sense into her. Or she could ignore Carrie entirely and perhaps in time she would realize the mistake she had made and leave.
Unable to come to a decision and feeling a little drained by the emotions of the past few hours, Gretchen took Rupert for a short run and watched the news before going to bed. She lay in the dark for hours, her eyes wide open and couldn't get rid of the knowledge that Carrie was within just a few miles and would be happy to see her. Or would have been if Gretchen hadn't yelled at her and hung up on her. She wished she could take that conversation back, but she didn't know how she could have done it differently. She had counted on never seeing her again and now she was here.
It was almost three in the morning when she started digging around in her closet for her old phone. Hoping it would work, she plugged it into the outlet under the bed and lifted the handset. Hearing a dial tone, she sat on the floor and punched in the number she had inadvertently memorized.
Carrie's voice was sleepy. "Hello?"
Gretchen felt small and vulnerable. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."
"I had it coming."
"And I shouldn't have hung up on you. I don't usually act like that."
"Let's just forget that call ever happened, okay?"
Gretchen nodded as new tears fell. "I've seen you a couple of times this last week. I thought I was going crazy."
"I'm sorry, Gretchen. I tried to keep a low profile so you wouldn't see me by accident, but I had no idea where and when you were likely to be so every time I went out was a gamble. Listen, I know this wasn't what you wanted. I've been selfish in going after what I want, but I want you to know that I don't have any expectations. I have hopes, but no expectations. I'm here and I'm not going away, but I'm not going to stalk you. You can talk to me or not talk to me-it's up to you."
"I don't know what I want."
"I know you'll need time to work it out. I'm prepared to be as patient as you need me to be. Just because I'm here doesn't mean you have to decide anything right away. I'm willing to let you set the pace."
"You mean until I come to my senses?"
Carrie chuckled softly. "Something like that. At some point, you'll realize that I really do love you and that I want to love you for the rest of your life. Whether that takes weeks or months is up to you. But however long it turns out to be, I'll be here."
"How can you be so certain I'm the one for you?"
"Because I woke up next to love."
Gretchen remembered how long it had taken to arrange the stones on the beach. She had had to work so quietly, afraid that Carrie would wake and catch her.
"I know that you love me, Gretchen, and I know that you're afraid to trust my love for you, but if you'll give me a chance, I'll prove it to you."
It
was all becoming too much and Gretchen knew if she didn't hang up soon she would start blubbering. "I should let you get back to bed. I only called to apologize."
"Okay. Get some sleep, Gretchen. Call me whenever you need to talk, even if it's only about the weather."
"Good night, Carrie."
~***~
Chapter Seventeen
When she woke, Janelle was lying on the other side of the bed watching her. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm sorry I was such a jerk yesterday, but you've been behaving irrationally."
Gretchen rolled to her back and stretched. "I'm probably not done."
"Thanks for the warning. Did you call her?"
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