by Liz Lorde
Someone was here, and just like that my knees wanted to give out.
Barristan slipped right by me and loped across the living room.
“Barristan!” I called out in a loud whisper, shooting a hand to cover my mouth immediately. The dog didn’t even look back as he continued on towards the kitchen, turning to face it but staying in my vision, sitting on his hind end.
My mind burned up with the thought of getting my phone, with locking the door – but would Barristan be safe? Shit, shit, shit. The dog craned his neck so that he could look towards me.
There was another noise and my skin crawled with invisible bugs. Barristan turned his head to face the noise, it had sounded like a man’s voice – I think. I looked behind my shoulder and considered what I could use for a possible weapon, going down a mental inventory of extremely ineffective burglar deterrents such as my shoes or maybe a wooden drawer of emptied underwear.
That voice came alive through the air again though, and suddenly all thought left me – all heat drained from me. “Barry,” it whispered at a level just above what I had said previous, and I instantly recognized Jerry’s voice.
The cold touch of dread walked along my spine as though I were a torch amidst a relentless winter storm; it wished and willed and wanted only to suck the warmth from me.
Jerry came into view as I stood there frozen, watching him pet and scratch Barristan. The dog then looked toward me, and he picked up on this – his head moving in my direction. I couldn’t very well make out the features of his face, he was a barely lit shadow in the dark
But I knew: he saw me.
“Jessica,” Jerry called out, shifting in his spot and flicking on the lights to the small dining section of the apartment.
Everything felt like it was in slow motion, all of my senses overloading in this almost fugue-like state. I wished beyond all hope that I was still dreaming, and that I would wake up any moment.
That moment never came and he called out my name again, this time in such a way it seemed as if he were gauging my mental health.
I slammed the door shut and promptly locked it, flicking on the lights, my heart beating a mile a minute. I put my back up against the door and turned my head to look at it, shouting, “I’m calling the police, Jerry. I don’t know what the fuck you’re doing here but you better be gone before they arrive.”
I didn’t have my phone with me, the charger was in the living room. If he stuck around long enough, he would surely find it.
The door rattled as he tried to enter.
Chapter 28
Hunter
The harsh wind of the cool night air bit against my skin; I was riding towards club Vivid to let the boys know. Someone new’s backing the Niners, and I damn sure intend to push it up the chain that we hit them and hit them hard.
My beast of steel and chrome roared, it’s growls piercing the air as I sped down the roads – every curve sunk me further into an ecstatic trance. Every smooth motion, and every overtaking of neighboring motorists. This was my world, my escape and my fantasy. But even fantasies, no matter how real, couldn’t take away the pain in my chest. The strange, empty hurt in my heart.
Once I made it to the nightclub, I parked my bike and strutted towards the entrance, raising my chin at the bouncer. Even from outside I could make out this weirdly familiar voice coming from the speakers. Upon entering, and the voice became more clear, I understood that it wasn’t a voice I’d ever heard – it was who it reminded me of though, that was what I was hearing.
Or maybe, it’s only what I wanted to hear. Maneuvering through the crowd of sweating, partying bodies. I tried to block out the synth distorted voice that made my heart jump into my throat; it seemed that no matter what I did or where I went, that I couldn’t get Jessica out of me.
She was my poison. The unholy trinity of my heart. I fucking missed her, and waves of regret assailed me now more than ever.
Getting over to the back of the floor, I greeted Easy Chris, clasping hands with him. “Any trouble, brother?”
“Nah,” Chris said, “s’all good man. Shit has been quiet.”
“Good, good. Let’s keep it that way. I’m gonna head in, the boys are still back there yeah?” I felt like a pussy, having to mask the pain in my voice.
Was I weak? For bleeding my soul, with what I’d done and lost?
“Yeah,” Chris said, as if he could read my internal dialogue, “they’re still hanging back there. Couple of the girls too.”
“Alright, keep shit tight,” I instructed, giving him a half-hearted salute and walking through the red cloth that blocked the VIP room. Inside was a sultry mix of purple and blue interior, with that same mix of neon lighting giving the place a dream-like glow. There was a miniature private bar off to the side; a stripping pole in the center of room, a couple of posh couches and a pair of black reclining chairs. Finally, there was a rectangular glass table with a couple of coasters and partially filled glasses resting atop them. Reyes, Brad and Jameson were relaxing when their eyes slid over to me. A pair of young, barely passed legal age brunettes flanked Brad on either side of him.
Reyes gave me the usual cool look, meanwhile Jameson greeted me with a measured smile and I replied in kind.
Brad squeezed the two girls shoulders, “Thanks for keepin’ an old man in good company,” he said, “run along now,” he encouraged, giving the two a small push off of the couch. The two girls walked by me and gave me ‘fuck me’ eyes; I didn’t give them the time of day, after what I had with Jessica – there wasn’t anything that they could offer me.
There was nothing that anyone could offer me.
Brad stretched his legs apart further, “How’d it go GB?” Short for Golden Boy, never did care for that nickname.
I moved over to an empty recliner and sat down, “It went,” I said, shrugging my shoulders, the leather of my jacket creaking in protest. “Owe Franklin a pretty penny, but he did have some good news.”
Jameson was sitting on the other red couch that was opposite Brad, “He is consistently such a great source,” Jameson commented. “And a true pleasure to converse with,” he added in afterthought.
Brad grunted in agreement.
My heart wasn’t in the conversation, and my head was elsewhere completely, “Yeah,” I said, “told me something interesting. Said that the Niners are going with a new supply, cutting Rocko out of the picture and going with some other guy, he didn’t say who – so I don’t know what that means for the product they’re trying to push.”
Jameson’s once lighthearted face darkened, and he crossed his arms. Brad perked up and leaned forward in his couch, “They’re cutting out Rocko? He’s gonna be royally pissed for getting pissed on like that.”
Jameson hummed in agreement, “Exceptionally peculiar.” Reyes contributed nothing, except for the cold of his gray eyes upon me.
“They’re going to meet soon,” I announced, scratching at some of my jaw stubble, “Franklin is going to keep us in the loop on when exactly it goes down. Told me the location is already set. Thing’s happening down at Rykers.”
Finally something caught general hard asses attention. Reyes’ brows furrowed, “You mean?…” his voice was gruff and deep as always.
“Yeah, it’s down at the abandoned shipping place. Said that it will happen in the FUBAR parking lot, and that this is going to be big.”
Brad nodded his head, “No doubt. Haven’t had a hit on our re-ups in some time now. Now that things have cooled off, this is the time we need to make them bleed.”
The rest of the crew murmured in agreement. I moved around in my chair, “We’re going to need a lot of heat. Lot of bodies.”
Jameson agreed, “There can be no room for mistakes.”
Reyes raised his chin, “We’re not bringing anyone we don’t trust,” he said, earning the immediate attention of everyone. “We still haven’t found our rat,” Reyes explained, his gray eyes looking towards me.
Brad was the first to speak, �
�We’re not even sure that there is one,” he pointed out, “the raids have stopped. Don’t you trust our brothers, Reyes?” Brad’s strength was also his weakness, and even though it was a weakness – it was a quality that I envied. “F’we don’t have trust, then we got nothin’.”
Reyes shook his head, “I trust us,” he said, “in this room? I’d throw my life on the line for any of you. But the people outside of this room…”
“Are solid,” Brad narrowed his eyes at Reyes, “they’ve been nothing but loyal since the day they were brought in. Same as you.”
The room was filling with an uneasy tension. Reyes’ jaw tightened, “You can’t tell me that every prospect works out. Every associate…”
Jameson shook his head, “No, but we keep things compartmentalized for a reason. Any damage they could do would be minimal.”
I wasn’t sure what to think, but I was leaning towards agreeing with Reyes.
“Look,” Reyes put a hand up, “all I’m saying, is that if we’re going to do this. When we do this. And we are doing this?”
Brad bobbed his head, “It’s happening. I’m a man that prefers to sue for peace,” he started, “y’all know that,” he grinned.
Jameson tilted his head, “Power keeps people in line.”
Reyes continued, “You need to sit down and ask yourself, when you bring these guys. Do I trust them with every bone in my body?”
After closing out our little discussion, the crew continued to hang and relax for another twenty minutes or so. When we were all ready to leave, Reyes called my name and requested that I hang back for a moment.
I looked over to Brad and Jameson as they were heading out, “I’ll catch you guys later. Ride safe.”
Brad smirked, “Always, brother. Peace.”
When Jameson and Brad left the room, I turned and stepped over to Reyes, who was staring daggers into my skull.
“You haven’t been acting right,” Reyes padded over to the bar and leaned against it, “something’s wrong.”
“Don’t know what you mean, Rey.”
He snorted, “Where’s your plaything?”
Fire ran freely through my veins, “She wasn’t some toy,” I said through grit teeth. “You know her name,” I added, fire twisting across my chest.
“You’re right,” Reyes said, crossing his arms over his chest, “she wasn’t some toy. She was a rat.” Cold dread replaced the heat that had only just flowed through me. “That’s right,” he said, “me and Holly? We looked into your little whore.”
My jaw tightened and it took every ounce of my strength not to pop Reyes in his dumb mouth, “Don’t talk about her like that,” I warned with a tempestuous rage swirling inside. “I’m only going to tell you that once.”
“You should be thanking me,” Reyes spat, “I mean you must’ve found out for yourself, right? She was stitched to your hip for god knows how long. We had D’Angelo hack the girl’s e-mails. Nothing damnable in them, but they told us everything we needed to know. She’s a rat, and she played you. She lives? We’ll all get sentenced, in time. The heat will come, and they’ll throw the book at us. RICO act.” Reyes pushed off of the bar and unfolded his arms, walking over to me with a danger glinting in his eye. “Tell me one good reason we shouldn’t put a bullet in her head, Hunter. Because where I’m standing, you’re protecting someone that’s gonna throw us all down the fuckin’ river.”
“She’s going to sit on what she wrote and what she saw,” I snarled, remembering what Jessica had told me that night in all my rage and hurt. At the time, in that terrible moment, the words had only barely registered. “Told her boss that she wouldn’t do it.” I hadn’t believed her at the time, but nothing seemed to come of it – and somewhere deep inside, below all the pain, I trusted her.
Another short, hard exhalation of his breath, “You would believe that.”
I brought a hand to Reyes’ chest and pushed him back two steps, “You want one good reason?”
Reyes punched away my arm from his chest, the blue of his veins making hard lines; a brotherly sort of hatred dancing between us.
“You’re looking at it,” I susurrated before we came to hellish blows.
Chapter 29
Jessica
The door’s handle rattled on the other side and I slid down the face of it, my bottom hitting the floor and my back pressing up firmly against the door. “Seriously,” my voice was shrill and my insides burned with these disgusting, agonizing worms of fear, “this is beyond messed up!”
“Jessica,” Jerry pleaded on the other end, “please, don’t do this. Just let me in,” he rattled the door again, more violently this time.
“Yeah fat chance, you prick,” I knew that I shouldn’t be instigating him, mentally I knew this, but emotionally, I wanted to rip him apart. How could he have gotten in? “You gave me your key, how did you get in?”
Jerry banged on the door once in frustration, and when he spoke next, with that dead, lifeless tone, chills ran up my spine. “I made copies,” he insisted, and he said it so casually like it was nothing at all. Like he had done it after going to the grocery store and getting the night’s dinner.
God damn creep. I breathed in a few rapid breaths and tried to retain my composure, “Why would you do that? That’s not right,” I said, “you’re not right, Jerry. You need help, okay?” I mean the words, for some terrible, stupid reason I meant them. Even now with him in my house, the horror of it all, I wanted to help the person that made my flesh crawl with fear. “I can get you help,” my voice shook, and I cleared my throat, readjusting my person against the door, “look if you don’t leave – if, if you’re not gone, soon. The police, they’re going to be here. They’re going to be here really soon Jerry, and if you don’t leave,” the words came out of me quick and hot.
“They’re not coming,” the words floated through my mind, and the hairs on my neck straightened out. “I know you’re phones out here,” he said, “you haven’t had time to call.” He banged on the door, “I just,” he banged again, “want to talk.”
I cried out at his attempts to enter and fingers of panic raked across my flesh. My mind raced and went toward the once lighthouse that I had, the man that made me feel safe and helped me fly. Thought of Hunter and his smile, and his beautiful blue eyes and the way that he cared about me.
I’d have nothing to fear if he were here. Jerry would be the one afraid and screaming out.
But I have to be brave. I have to be strong.
The door rattled hard once more, “We should be together,” Jerry cried out, “it’s been too long Jess. Don’t you get it? I’m goin’ crazy without you, and you – you met that guy, my trainer, you met him to see me.”
“No!” I yelled, “I did not. I told you that, I told you it was never about you dammit.”
“You lie,” his voice dripped with venom, “you fucking lie.”
In a rush, it all came to me. If he’d made copies of the house key, maybe this wasn’t his first time being in here at night? That would explain the things that were missing and changed. He’d been in here before. “Jerry, please. Calm down. Have you been in here before?” I scanned the room again for want of a weapon.
There was some degree of silence. A brief pause in the storm. “Yes,” he finally admitted, tinged with shame.
“How many times?”
Again, there was a silence, and then a sigh. “Six.”
Another sickly wave of heat rushed through me. Jesus Christ. Six times and I’d only just now noticed. I sucked in a breath through my nose; my gaze slid over towards the small closet door. There was an old curling iron that I’d stopped using, if I could get to it – maybe that would be enough. If there was one small thing that I had going for me, it was that Jerry’s physique could be accurately compared to that of a slightly menacing tomato. Pasty skin, twigs for bones and pebbles for muscles.
Of course, his mental instability and weight over me was still plenty enough to fret over. “Six times?” I aske
d in disbelief, “Jerry, what all did you do? I…I noticed some things, some really odd stuff.” I pushed myself off of the ground and slid up the face of the door, trying to be as quiet and collected as possible.
There was some peculiar noise. Was he sobbing? “J—ust,” he was definitely straining to speak now, “I just, did things. I wanted it all to be normal again,” he harped, and then laughed out this dark, bordering on hysterical noise. “Barry was so happy to see me.”
I crept over towards the closet, reminding myself that I could do this. Thinking that I had to be strong, that I had to endure enough in life – that I wouldn’t let some piece of shit bring me down, or hurt me anymore.
He continued to explain himself, no doubt trying to rationalize the madness he’d dragged me into, “I didn’t do anything bad,” of course not, “I would just, stand guard over you at night. You always looked so peaceful when you slept, I wanted to make sure you were breathing.” I placed my hand on the white knob of the closet and carefully slid the door open, trying to ignore the horrifying creepiness of what he was telling me. “And, eh-heh,” he chuckled, and it sounded like he was leaning against the door now, “I’m sorry, about the food. But I don’t make a lot of money, you know, and I’d just…get hungry. I felt bad about it, I really did.”
I clicked on the light and looked over my shoulder, glancing at the door for a second, and then returning back to my search. Really, he felt sorry for that? But not sorry for trying to drown me in the tub? No remorse for forcing himself on me at night when I told him no? The fire was returning to me, pricking at every inch of my skin and building stronger and stronger still in the soles of my feet. The beating of my heart became rampant as I started digging through boxes of old and useless shit; I wanted to cry and yell and melt away all at the same time.
“Jessica?” He called out, breaking out of his little trance confession, “are you okay? I would have heard you,” he rattled the door again, “if you tried the window.”