“Question of the fucking century. I have no idea. Mick is giving me the run around every time I talk to him about it. I’m not even sure I’m helping at all, or what I’m still doing here.”
“Does Gary know about you?”
“No, of course not. That’s why it’s always Mark up here. Always. We’re close to catching this douchebag from what little information that Mick's given me. I’ve been away for months. It’s not something I thought would take this long. I guess I thought it would be maybe a couple of weeks and that’s it.”
I sighed. “And then what? Just walk back into everyone’s lives and say surprise, I’m not dead?”
“Yeah, basically,” he said and shrugged. “When all that stuff happened up in Colorado it was a good opportunity to drop off the radar with everyone. Especially Brock. The Feds didn’t want him snooping around. Again, according to Mick. It’s shitty and I don’t know all the details about that aspect, but I got the distinct feeling they didn’t want him involved. Brock pisses off a lot of people with what he can do.”
“Yeah. Basically,” I responded without any feeling in the words. “Seriously?”
He reached up and tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear.
“I’m sorry, Suzanne. I didn’t like the idea at all, but it was convenient to just say I was dead.”
“Convenient? I guess that’s one way to think about it,” I hissed. “Or you could say, that it was the worst thing you could have done to your family and friends.”
He growled. “If I could go back, I’m not sure I would have chosen to do this at all. At least not the way we did it. But I can’t change it. It’s done, and I feel a lot of guilt about it. They were going to ask Holden, Suzanne. He’s married, and Julia was pregnant at the time. They couldn’t ask any of his guys since they didn’t have the security clearance needed for this kind of job.”
I frowned at him. “But why did you do it at all? Why didn’t you just say no?”
He ran a hand down his face and seemed irritated. “Holden would have said yes. He would have agreed to it. He’s like that, and ever since he got injured, he’s been on light duty with the security company. He might be happy with Julia and his kiddo, but that doesn’t mean that he can quit being who he is entirely.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do know that with absolute certainty. We’re all like that. Holden, Aiden, Logan, Brock, and me. We were all born separately, but in the ugliness of warfare, we were molded and became brothers. We became better at what we were hired to do through being a team. It was scary how well we worked together and could anticipate each other’s moves. We went on to do other things afterward, but that integral part of our personalities that was formed there, will always be with us.”
I looked away from him and shook my head. “I can’t imagine Logan being like that at all. He’s a doctor. That just doesn’t fit.”
“Doesn’t it?” he asked, with an incredulous expression on his face. “He hasn’t told Kate, or anyone else, what’s happening because I asked him as a brother not to say anything. He won’t break that. The five of us are more alike than we seem, and loyalty to each other will always come first.”
My eyes wandered over his clean desk as I absorbed that.
Finally, I said, “Sounds like the girls don’t have as much priority in their lives as they think. And poor Kate, that could drive a wedge in their marriage. So, you save one relationship and destroy the other?”
His hand cupped my chin and forced me to look at him again.
“That’s not true. They have the upmost priority. Kate too. Would you want her to know something that she would have to hide from her friends? That she would worry about? Remember, she was pregnant at the time and going through a traumatic event. Logan was worried enough. He did it for her as much as he did me. And I’m doing this now, to avoid Holden having to choose and fuck up everything he has with Julia. It would have been the worst decision he’s ever made.”
“You’re assuming—”
He shook his head. “I’m not saying he wouldn’t have asked her. He would have. She balances him, and she probably would have agreed, since she’s as batshit crazy as he is. It would have been hard to fight his nature, and I didn’t want to see either of them have to go through it.”
“I understand, but I just—”
“What?” he asked when I paused.
Not an easy answer. I opened my mouth a few times to respond but nothing came out. Adding to his guilt about what he’d done wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t change the fact that I’d cried over him, or that he’d basically sacrificed his life based on whatever notion he had about Holden. It wouldn’t alter Logan’s choice or Cade’s involvement with that lie.
When it came down to making amends at some point, it was going to be their burden to bear for whatever damage they'd inflicted.
“Nothing,” I said after a time, glancing away from him.
His hand moved to the side of my face and made me look at him again.
“Why are you here, anyway? In this city?”
“My mom lives here. This is where I grew up before—” I paused. “You know my dad died a year ago, but she’s still having a rough time. There wasn’t anything holding me back in Lakefield, so I moved.”
Cade gave me an assessing look. “Before what?”
“Nothing. I have to get going. She’s probably asleep, but just in case she wakes up, I don’t want her to worry.”
“One of these days, Suzie, we’re going to talk, and I don’t want your answers to just be nothing.”
I shrugged.
He grasped my hand, pulling me up to stand in front of him.
“I have to go out of town for a couple of days, pretty girl. There are some things I need to do for Mick, apparently. God knows it’ll probably be just another fucking wild goose chase. I may be working for a different company in a couple of weeks out in Dallas. It just never seems to end at this point.”
His firm hand slid around my hip, as he gazed down at me with a serious expression.
“Stay away from the bar. I don’t think this weirdo will get near this small of a city. It seems like he hits major ones and maybe he’s headed west now. Still, I need you to stay away. Even if the guy never comes this way, it’s going to be hard seeing you and not being able to talk to you like this or touch you.”
I smirked at him. “Afraid you’ll blow your cover?”
He chuckled. “Frankly, yes. I nearly hauled you over my shoulder tonight to drag you back to the breakroom.”
He studied my clothing and lingered on my legs for a moment.
“Watching you tonight, made me want to punch half the bar every time some guy smiled at you, or watched your ass when you walked away.”
“I’m still mad at you, Cade, so stop trying to flatter me.”
He stepped back slightly, tilting his head to the side.
“I don’t flatter. It’s the truth. You know me well enough to know that I’ll say exactly what I want to, when I want to, even if it pisses someone off. You walked out on the floor earlier and my dick was hard in about two seconds. I forgot what it was like working with you and trying to hide an erection.”
“What?” I asked.
He laughed. “Why do you think I always gave you the back rooms at Muse?”
“To torture me with the retirement stiffs?”
He smirked, and his eyes twinkled.
“No. It was easier to work with you back there. Having a hard-on for an eight-hour shift, sucked.”
I stared up at him and blinked. He what?
“Pete was always hitting on you too. It pissed me off. Speaking of which, did you do anything with him after I left?” he asked then shook his head. “Nevermind. Don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.”
“No. I’m not like that anyway, but he’s harmless. He tried a few times, but I think he was just joking around more than anything.”
“Right. The most beautiful woman in L
akefield in front of him, and he was joking.”
I rolled my eyes. “He was, believe me. I wasn’t really in a good place anyway. I think he wanted to just get me to smile afterward.”
He leaned forward until his face was close enough to mine that I could almost feel him. His breath fell across my lips and caused me to shiver.
“I’m going to kiss you,” he whispered.
How many times had I dreamed that he would say that to me? I’d lost count at this point. Months ago, I wouldn’t have hesitated.
Now, though? My brain needed time, and yet, my body was so turned on by his nearness that it overrode any rational thought.
Fuck. Cade had asked for a kiss. One kiss wouldn’t screw me up for life, right?
Chapter Six
“Cade, I don’t know,” I said, as my tongue darted out to moisten my lips. It was an involuntary action on my part, thinking of those gorgeous set of lips on mine. His eyes focused on my tongue for a minute then back to my face.
There was a moment that hung between us, then I stiffened remembering something he’d just said.
“So, if you switch to a different company here in a couple of weeks, will I see you again? Are you going to come back to this bar?”
“Probably not,” he rumbled. “Not until it’s over.”
My head jerked back in denial, and I examined his sad brown eyes. He honestly looked like the news was as awful to him as it was to me. With the thick attraction weaving between us, it was a blow to hear that we might not see each other again for a while.
“It won’t be as bad as you think, Suzie. I’m here and I’m alive. I could even call you from time to time, now that you know. I’m not walking away or dying. This wasn’t something I planned, they just told me today this might be happening. Jesus, if I knew you were going to be here, I would have told them to shove that shit up their collective asses. But I’ve committed to see this through at this point, so either way, I'll be gone for short periods of time. I’ll be back, I promise.”
“But you can’t promise that you’ll come back. Not at all. I mean if you got shot in Colorado by some random freak, then when is your luck going to run out? This person you’re hunting isn’t some amateur. He’s killed people, a lot of people.”
“So did the guy in Colorado.”
I stomped my foot. “Not what I wanted to hear!”
He held his fingers to my lip for a second, “Shh. Calm down. I don’t want anyone else to hear what we’re talking about here.”
I huffed as soon as he removed his hand and whispered, “This is the dumbest thing. No, I take that back. Pretending you were dead was the dumbest thing. Now you’re after yet another serial killer? What. The. Fuck?”
His lips twitched at my words, and he gave me an amused look. “You know the answer to that already. You just don’t like it.”
“I…” I said, pausing on what I wanted to say. “I mourned you. I mean I made some changes to my life that were good. I really did, but—”
“Like starving yourself? Not a positive change.”
“No. I haven’t starved myself. I just went to the damn gym and started working out. It filled the time and helped me sleep. You have no idea what it was like, so don’t judge me.”
“I’m not trying to,” he said as he ran his fingers across my jaw. “You’ve always been beautiful to me. I just want to make sure you’re not doing this to hurt yourself. I like you just as much right now as I did when I first met you. You don’t have to fill the time any more. I’m here.”
I twitched from the sore spot on my jaw as his thumb brushed against it again. “I like how my body is now. I’m stronger, I feel better. Those changes were good, regardless of what happened. Fuck, why are we talking about this? I don’t want to mourn you again, you idiot. That’s what I’m trying to say. If we kiss or go any further with this thing, then I don’t know if I can handle it.”
“You’re one of the toughest women I’ve met, baby. I doubt there’s anything you can’t handle.”
The compliment wasn’t missed. It was nice to hear that this man thought of me like that, even though he didn’t know everything about my past. He thought I was tough just from the little he knew about me and that was big. It meant a lot to me, but I wondered how he would feel if he knew I was prone to making so many wrong choices.
No regrets. Just some bad choices that would haunt me.
But not seeing him again for who knew how long? I wasn’t so sure I could deal with it. Not knowing if he was dead or alive. Not knowing where he was. Now that I knew he was alive again in the world, it would make the heartache more difficult in ways.
Maybe it was enough to know that he’d been thinking about me. The missed chances sucked, but he’d admitted that he’d wanted me. And that made it so much more important that I either walk away or endure the possible heartache. If I walked now, then it would be my choice. His “death” hadn’t been my choice at all. I controlled my destiny in this moment.
“I need to go home. I don’t think kissing you is a good idea. I need some time to think. I won’t tell anyone, but this is just such a shock.”
A smile played across his lips. “I think kissing me is a great idea.”
“You would, but you haven’t had to live with your ghost for the last eight months. Frankly, I think kissing you, only to have you disappear again, would just make things worse. So, look me up sometime afterward. I just can’t do this.”
I stepped out of his arms and his hand slid off my hip to let me go.
I bent to pick my bag up beside the chair, just as two large hands grasped my hips and angled me to face him. He lifted me up with ease, causing my legs to part around his hips. There was a distinct bulge there that pressed against me and I gasped.
“What are you doing? Put me down, Cade.”
“No.”
In a few steps, he had me roughly pressed up against the wall.
“I’m going to kiss you, woman. I’ve waited too fucking long. I was an idiot back then and tried to stay away from you, but I’m not going to let you out of here without kissing you this time. I’m not a ghost. I’m real and this job won’t last forever.”
His body pressed into mine and my breathing picked up, coming in small gasps. His hands gripped my ass as he held me in place, sending a burning sensation into my stomach.
We shared a breath for a moment, just staring at each other. Then his mouth came crashing down on mine.
His kiss was not gentle. Not like the kiss of a friend or a first date. It was not a kiss that allowed doubt as to who he was. It screamed Cade. The man that I’d watched growl at me for the last few years. The man that I’d both teased and lusted after.
His kiss demanded that the moment should be seared into my brain for a lifetime.
Rough and unruly, his tongue plunged into my mouth only to retreat so that he could suck at my bottom lip.
I whimpered for several reasons. Wanting him, loving what he was doing to me. But also, he’d aggravated the cut in my mouth. It was healing, but it was still very tender.
He leaned back, confusion written on his face as he licked his lips. His eyes dropped to my mouth.
“What the fuck? You’re bleeding. Are you okay?”
“I have some stiches—”
“Why?” he growled and let go of my legs.
My feet touched the ground and his hand came up to my lips. He was still pressed against me, so I couldn’t escape. I turned my head to the side hoping to avoid his eyes, but his other hand shifted my face back to him and touched the tender spot in my jaw yet again.
When I winced, he let out a furious growl as he crossed the room, sifted through a drawer in his desk and came back with a tissue.
“Tell me why. Right now! Your jaw and those stitches have nothing to do with a fucking toothache.”
“You don’t want to hear this, Cade, and I’m not ready to tell you.”
He stepped back from me and roamed the office in an agitated state. Then h
e punched the wall beside the door.
The action made me flinch from the sound but didn’t scare me. I knew it came from his own frustration and not out of anger toward me.
“Fuck, woman! Why are you hurt? You show up here out of the blue telling me that you moved back since nothing was holding you in Lakefield. I get that, but you’ve given me nothing else! I told you my story, now you’re going to tell me yours.”
I didn’t move as he stalked back toward me and caged me in with his body. Any thoughts on escaping were now moot. He leaned his face toward mine and stared into my eyes, making sure that I saw his fury and pain.
“Why?” he whispered.
I cleared my throat and dropped my eyes to his chin. “I went on a few dates with someone recently. I thought it would be good to move on. I grieved for six months, and I thought it might be good just to get back out there.”
His fury hadn’t lessoned or increased, but I could tell that it pained him to hear this.
“You were dead, Cade. You weren’t coming back.”
His head dropped to mine and he gently kissed my forehead. “I know. It just hurts hearing it. Go on.”
“I made a bad choice.”
He wrapped me up in his arms and carried me to his desk. Setting me on the wooden surface he stepped between my legs and held me for a moment.
He took a deep breath, and I could hear his heart beating rapidly as he pressed me against his chest.
“How bad?”
Dabbing at my lip with the tissue, I thought about what to say. When I glanced down, there was only a small drop of blood on the white surface. Enough for him to possibly taste with the rough kiss he’d given me, but not enough to worry about a stitch tearing.
“I’m okay. It wasn’t like that. I mean, he tried something, but I didn’t want to. I ended it. He just didn’t take it well. I showed up at his house before I left to return something. He was drunk and hit me. I think I bit my lip when I hit the floor. Told me a bunch of shitty things I won’t even repeat. Logan patched me up.”
He stiffened against me and didn’t move. His entire body felt rigid. When I tried to lean back to look at him, he pressed me closer.
Damage: (Lakefield Book 5) Page 6