by H. J. Bellus
Miles bought Ridley a bike with training wheels so he could practice riding while we visit. The hotel has a beautiful back patio with a paved walking trail perfect for bike riding. Miles is currently jogging alongside Ridley, showing him how far he can go and when he needs to turn back. He’s determined to get Ridley riding without training wheels. Miles told me the other night he rode with training wheels until second grade, and blames most of his manly ego insecurity problems on it. I couldn’t help but laugh while he shared the story because he was dead serious about the topic, and my laughter only pissed him off. I definitely made up for laughing at him later that night.
“Hey, sis.”
I turn to see Tripp and the rest of the crew walking out of the back of the hotel. Tripp and Lacey brought along Rose, who is dressed in a cute little yellow dress wearing a toddler pair of Toms and a cute headband. She is her mother’s child, no doubt about it. Tripp always jokes on Skype that he’s lucky that Lacey’s egg even accepted his sperm.
“Hey,” I reply, standing up.
I immediately notice that Cree is alone. No Milly. My heart sinks because I really wanted to believe her words in the hospital. Maybe her heart just isn’t ready to forget yet, but my brothers are, and they’re the most important ones that I need to resolve issues with.
“Did you guys eat?” I ask.
“No, we’ve heard they serve great steaks here. Wanted to try it out,” Lacey says as she sits at the table.
“I’ll let them know we want to order,” Cree says and turns back to the hotel.
Tripp jogs out to Ridley and Miles with Rose in his arms. You can hear her squeal as he runs with her. The sweet little sound makes me laugh, and before I realize it, it makes me cry. They make it out to my boys. I can see Ridley showing his new bike off to Tripp. Miles grabs Rose from Tripp so he can inspect the bike closer. I watch as Miles swings Rose above his head, causing her to giggle even louder.
“He’s a good guy,” Lacey says.
I look her straight in the eyes. “Lacey, he saved me. Bottom line. He has always loved me for me, never given up on me, or given me an ultimatum. He wanted to bring me back home that night. He would have walked away for my happiness, but I deserve him.”
“I agree.”
I turn to see Milly placing Mac on the ground. He takes off towards Tripp and the rest.
Milly continues, “I agree with everything you just said. I’m not going to lie to you though; my past scares me, Willow. And the bottom line is Miles is part of my past that I may never be able to face.”
Shocked into silence, I watch Cree walk out to where Mac is with the rest of them.
“This is good. Now you talk, Willow. If you guys need me to grab my crotch or randomly yell slut puppy at any time, just raise your hand,” Lacey says.
Burying my face in my hands, I start to giggle at Lacey. Some things will never change, and for that I am very thankful.
The three of us silently watch as our children and husbands interact with each other as if they were at a regularly scheduled family picnic.
I finally break the silence. “Milly, you can NEVER disrespect my child again. Cree tried to tell me that Ridley isn’t mine. I will have you all know that he is mine. In fact, he’s just as much mine as Annie is yours, and if you ever cross that line again, I will kick your ass and then disown you forever.”
“Understood,” she whispers. “Willow, Miles coming into my life and dropping that bomb has been really hard on me. I don’t know what you know, but I miscarried a week after you left. No one knew I was pregnant, except for your brother. Those events made me hate life and took me to a very dark spot for a while. Then when would I see Cree missing you and crying in your old room, it made me hate you and Miles even more. It wasn’t until one day in Annie’s room, reading her journal entry about missing you that I finally realized that my hate wasn’t for you or Miles, but for my mother. And the power she still held over me years later. I’m learning to accept who I am, and where I came from, and what I will never have, but I’m not perfect and I fucked up majorly in the hospital with Ridley. To be honest, seeing a part of my past tainting my future scared me. I will never treat your child that way again, and if you two can’t forgive me, I understand, but don’t punish Cree for my mistake.”
“I miss you guys. I never stopped loving any of you,” is all I can manage to get out between my tears.
I now notice that all the men are standing feet away from the table, and from the torn expression on Miles’ face, I know he heard Milly. Miles has always worn his mother’s actions on his sleeve, and has always felt horrible for the way she left Milly. This whole situation is jacked up because not one person can speak without hurting another, but words need to be expressed for us all to move on with any hope of becoming a family ever again.
I continue on, with my last thought as the driving force. “This needs to be said to all of you. I don’t regret falling in love with Miles, I don’t regret leaving Colorado, and I don’t regret the family I found in California. I want all of you in my life more than anything in this world, but if you can’t accept Miles, Ridley, and this baby growing inside me, then we really need to part ways here. It’s your decision.”
Tripp steps up. “Willow, there is no decision, and I’m no longer willing to allow this family to miss one more moment of your life and definitely not your children’s lives. I’m here for the long haul, the happy, the ugly, nasty, and all the loveable moments in between. Here forever as your brother. What do you say, Cree?”
“I say it’s about time we finally come together as Fitzpatricks and make our own happily ever after.”
“Ahh, shit just got deep. That’s about all the gushy stuff I can take for one day,” Lacey proclaims and throws her arms up.
Miles raises an eyebrow, and throws out, “Or Tackett style. Because let’s face it, that’s where all the awesomeness truly lies.”
With those words, a weight is lifted off all our shoulders, light scabs are formed over deep, seeping wounds, and all of our hearts are set down their destined paths to finally begin the healing process.
We spend the next two days tending to Annie while she adjusts to life back at home. I love every minute of showing my childhood home to my son, and really to Miles for the first time with an open heart. We even run into Greyson at the grocery store, and I smiled at him. Miles wanted to kick his ass again. Thank God we had Ridley and Mac with us.
We have played plenty of UNO, thrown several impromptu dance parties, laughed and cried together the past few days, but now it’s time to say good bye to everyone. We promised no tears and lots of future trips back and forth to see each other.
Cree waits at the back of the crowd to say his goodbye and hug me. He finally steps up with tears in his eyes.
“You’re breaking the promise,” I remind him.
“Come home, Willow.”
Silence.
“I let my pride blind me, and now it’s time for you to come home. I’m sorry I pushed you away. Actually, sorry doesn’t even begin to cover it.”
I grab my brother’s hand and bring it to my heart.
“I’m going home. That’s the beauty of it, Cree. I found my home and it’s not here with you. You have no idea how happy and truly settled I am. I found a place where I’m wanted as a wife, a mom, and a daughter. I found that place where everyone wants and needs me. Momma and Daddy had the love that we have both found with Miles and Milly. They would have fought tooth and nail for each other and never allowed anyone to come between them. That’s what we found, and I’m never letting go of it. You were my home for many years, but now it’s now time for me to go with Miles and Ridley in this new chapter of my life. I’ll always be your kid sister and love you, but this is good-bye to the old Willow, Cree.”
Epilogue
Dear Little Notebook,
Today my little boy turns three. His big brother couldn’t be any more excited to celebrate his birthday. Ridley helped me bake the cupcakes and
even decorated each one himself. I tell Miles all the time our Ridley is going to be an artist, just like his mom. He’s the best big brother ever. I’m so blessed to have all three of my boys in my life.
I will never forget the moment Abbott M. Tackett came into this world. He was a healthy 8 lbs 9 ounces. I held my breath the whole pregnancy and delivery because I just knew he was going to be taken away from me. Even after he was born, I would spend hours staring at his little chest rising and falling. He has brought so much peace into my life. Don’t get me wrong, life was dang near perfect before him, but there was something missing. Miles tried to convince me it was another dog or muscle car for his collection. I’m not talking Matchbox cars, I’m talking real life, full size restored cars. Of course, restored by his own hands. It was even evident in little Ridley that he needed a sibling, a soul mate and a best friend to grow up together with our love.
It took the love and encouragement from Miles for me to even entertain the thought of having my own baby. Ridley easily recognized my discomfort and we explained everything to him. And leave it up to my boy, he prayed every night over my belly. And yes, “Please God, let this baby be a boy. Daddy and I need to rule this place.” My boys were my everything, every piece of strength and fibers of courage I needed to get through my pregnancy.
In three very short years, Abbott has grown into a curious, smart, and loving boy. He is the perfect comedic relief our family needs and is also the best cuddle pal ever. I’d like to say Momma was his first word, but it was “Nana.” And you can bet that Nana Wynnie hasn’t let us live that one down. Of course, the hours of coaxing helped while I was volunteering in Ridley’s classroom or painting new pieces. We just let her have her small victory.
We moved Nana Wynnie in with us about a year ago after her sight was deemed unacceptable to live on her own. The optometrist nearly shit a cow when Nana shared everything she did on her own. Miles wanted to build an addition onto our trailer, but Nana would have none of it. She preferred to share a room with Ridley.
Abbot is the perfect picture of his father. Brown hair, bright blue eyes and dimples. There hasn’t been a moment, a giggle or facial expression that doesn’t fully represent Miles. When Abbott was two, he asked for a pickle peanut butter sandwich. It took all four us to figure out what he was asking for and when I finally realized what he wanted, I fell to the floor. My dad always ate a pickle peanut butter sandwich with ice tea on hot summer days. None of us ever understood or even tried the crazy concoction. But my son asked for one at the age of two, it had my daddy’s name written all over it. I was so rattled by the request that I couldn’t move from the floor, and just like clockwork, Miles stepped in and took over for me. That’s how we work. When one is down the other one steps up with no question.
Between Miles telling me he “Loved Me Grande” and Abbott asking for a pickle peanut butter sandwich, I know my parents are always with me. I had my doubts after I left the farm. Nightmares of my father’s shame and mother’s disappointment sabotaged my sleep for months.
Speaking of the farm and family, we have designated trips every four months to visit. My boys love the farm and spending time with their uncles on the tractors. They also adore their cousins. The Fitzpatrick cousins are completely out of control when rolling in one pack. We also have our ritual Disneyland trips where we all meet up. I’ll never forget the look on my brothers’ faces when they visited the trailer park for the first time.
It took months for Cree and I to be able to talk without fighting or bringing up the past to hurt each other on purpose. It was foolish to think that one conversation would mend our relationship. It took time and patience, but we were all game to participate.
The first night we had dinner as a whole family in California, Cree and I started fighting over something ridiculous. Wynnie laid it out perfectly for the four of us. Cree, Milly, Miles and I digested every single one of her words with our whole heart, and let the healing process begin. I will never forget what she said…
“Just because you four are pissed at each other doesn’t mean those babies out there playing don’t deserve each other. Was Sarah the best mother? God damn it, no, she wasn’t. She probably didn’t even deserve the air she once breathed, but I thank God every day that she once lived. Because of her, Miles, you stand here a father and a husband, and because of her, Milly, you are a beautiful woman with a strong head and the biggest attitude to protect your family. You stubborn jackasses need to drop it all and just begin to love.”
Then leave it up to Lacey to crack a joke about Sarah to ease the tension. Lacey went on about Sarah not being the smartest rock in the box, with naming her two children Milly and Miles. Then Wynnie joined in on the joke, and all control was lost, but our hearts were set on the right path forever.
As I write this, Ridley and Abbott are building a fort with every piece of furniture in the living room, along with all the pillows and sheets. They have ushered Dan and Annie into the fort, and are now whispering their evil plans. I let the boys have their way with the living room since the party will be outside, and let’s just face it, these boys run the house.
I can hear my Ridley whispering, “Abbott, just wait to see what you get for your birthday.” Then the best sound of the day comes booming into our living room. It is the rumble of Miles’ car. Daddy! Both my boys squeal and shoot out of the fort. Every night they run to meet him at the door and it doesn’t matter how tired or pissed off he is from shop work, he puts it all aside for his boys. Miles never stays out after work, or walks across the street to shoot the shit and drink a beer like the rest of the dads in the trailer court. Nope. He walks straight into his living room, scoops up his boys, plops in his recliner, and just listens to their tales of the day.
Today is no different. He scoops them up and is ready to listen.
“Daddy, Daddy, it is my birfday. I’m free.”
“Dad, I got all the presents wrapped with Mommy, and decorated the cupcakes.”
And the rambling continues. Before long the boys have convinced their daddy to check out their fort, but before he crawls in he makes sure to kiss me and tell me that he loves me. He also finds Nana and kisses her forehead.
I always tell him that I don’t believe he loves me, because the simple truth is he doesn’t. It is much more than love. It’s stronger, threatening, and absolutely addicting. When something has the power to save your life, it’s more than love. Miles taught me to quit surviving and to finally start living the life I deserved. It wasn’t an easy journey, but now it’s our history that we get to share with our boys. He never gave up hope, but instead dug deeper down into my soul, trying to reach the real Willow. Not the broken, scared Willow, but the Willow that was meant to thrive.
For years I thought it was a mistake to love Greyson, and I hated myself for it. I even punished myself for it. But looking back it was my mistake that saved my life. It was my mistake that set me free. And it was my mistake that led me straight into the arms of my future.
Notebook, we have had a good run. You have been here for me, caught my tears on your pages, and took my punches a time or two. You watched me grow into a friend, a wife, and a mother, one painful and blessed moment at a time. It brings tears to my eyes to say good-bye. It’s time to go and be my own person and embrace life. The time has come for me to write my story upon the hearts of my boys.
I am far from the person I once was, but I am not yet where I am going. Life has been harsh, cruel and unfair during my short twenty-six years, but I wouldn’t change one single moment for a happier one because it has made me.
I thank God every day for blessing me with my three boys, and for this love story that will live on for generations to come. I pray silently to myself that the baby growing inside me is my little girl to complete our family. But you know, I will take a little Tackett boy any day. You’ve always known my name and now you know my story.
Forever,
Willow
PS—My family is visiting today for
Abbott’s birthday today. All eleven of them!
Playlist:
Can’t Shake You (Willow’s battle with Greyson)
Gloriana
Fast Car (Willow’s internal battle)
Tracy Chapman
Little Miss (Willow’s theme song)
Sugarland
The Monster
Eminem feat. Rihanna
Kerosene
Miranda Lambert
Better In The Long Run
Miranda Lambert
Red
Taylor Swift
Beam Me Up
Pink
Steal My Kisses
Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals
Dies Famous In A Small Town
Miranda Lambert
Different Kind of Love
Brendan James
In a Little While
Uncle Kracker
Timing Is Everything
Garrett Hedlund
Basket Case
Green Day
American Idiot
Green Day
To Be With You (Miles’ song to Willow)
Mr. Big
Girls Just Want to Have Fun (The My Way Girls’ Song)
Cyndi Lauper
Johnny and June
Heidi Newfield
I Hope You’re the End of My Story (Mile’s & Willow’s Song)
Pistol Annies
Black & Blue (Mile’s & Willow’s Song)
Carter Hulsey
BEFORE YOU GO…
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