“What you’re hearing is the music of Celestial Sound Vibrations,” the man said, looking up. “It’s the energy of the universe, the fundamental core energy that creates life and lives in crystals in the form of fossilized water. Our bodies are crystalline too, in their structure, and that’s why the noise you hear affects you like it does — all your tissues and cells feel the energy and respond.”
Hans was skeptical. Healing by the sound of a bowl being stroked? But he found it hard to leave.
“I’m doing a show tonight,” the man said, and he handed Hans a leaflet. “In one of the rooms to the side here. Come along. You don’t have to do anything, just lie there and listen. Your body will do the rest.”
Hans took a pamphlet.
“If you can’t make the show, you can always buy the CD,” the man called after him and Hans thought that he might.
Apart from the man and his bowl, Hans did not find anyone that showed the slightest potential to help him and he left the hall discouraged, to take Melusine out to dinner. He passed Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville on the way back to the Desert Rose Resort, and the only thing he had wanted in life at that moment was to be one of those normal couples going out to dinner and drinking too much and then going home to make love.
And he tried his best and failed at his worst.
The following morning, after that terrible night with Melusine, Hans ventured back into the hall. He headed towards the crystal bowl man and it was then that he saw her: the Reverend Juditha Estima. He liked her immediately for the comparable normalcy of her name; he had walked past countless variations of Sunshine Eden’s, Celestial Seraphina’s, Trinity del Luna’s, Countess Sophia’s and even one Nevaeh, which was heaven, spelled backwards. It was a relief to find Juditha and the peaceful sanctuary of her tent.
Most of the other psychics at the convention were seated behind tables without any privacy and Hans had not enjoyed the flea market feeling of pawing through their wares while speaking to them.
But, with her tent, Juditha had a very different set-up.
Apart from a warm honeyed glow emanating from a large Himalayan salt crystal light, the tent was dark and there was the quiet murmur of a water fountain and the subtle soothing scent of magnolia and jasmine. Hans stepped inside, closed his eyes and inhaled the fragrant air.
“What you’re smelling,” the Reverend said and her voice was as gentle and pure as the quiet bubbling water, “is essence of peony, in a fragrance called Healing Petals of Peony. This essence will help lift you out of your ego-bound state of pain and assist you in moving to a place where you can connect with love, and find the truth that wishes to speak from the realms of your soul.”
Hans did not hear a word she said. He knew that she was talking and that sounds were coming out of her perfect mouth but her beauty and serenity mesmerized him and he suddenly became aware that she was looking at him as if expecting an answer to a question.
“Sorry,” he said, feeling stupid, “what did you say?”
“Would you like to make an appointment to see me later? Because I’m busy until late this evening. Would it work for you, if we met at seven p.m.? I’m sorry it has to be so late. What’s your name? I’m Juditha.”
“I’m Hans,” he said. “Please, let me take you out to dinner,” he blurted out, “even psychics have to eat, don’t they?”
She laughed and the sound made Hans think of blossoms falling from a cherry tree.
“I’m having strangely poetic thoughts,” he said, “your powers, or whatever they are, must be very strong.”
She laughed again. “I’m an intuit, a healer. And I sense that you’re in a lot of pain. I sense you’re in need of something more than most, so I accept your invitation to dinner. That way I can get to know you better, and you can explain in an unhurried fashion what it is you think you need and I’ll have the opportunity to hear what it is your soul’s really trying to tell me.”
She looked at her watch. “I tell you what, take a seat, I have a few minutes before my next consultation. Let me get you a cup of tea and I’ll tell you who I am and what I do, in order to give you some background information before we meet later. You never know, you might decide that I’m not the one for you but I feel a strong connection to you already.”
“Yes, me too,” Hans said and he sat down.
“Jasmine honey tea,” she handed him a cup. “With almond flavouring, no caffeine, all natural.”
Juditha explained that she was an ordained minister, a qualified hypnotherapist, a crystal therapist, a verified life psychic, a certified paranormal investigator, a certified tarot card reader and a certified intuit. She had been a guest speaker on talk radio shows and had written for magazines. That she was also a member of the Witches of the Healing Cauldron, Hans chose to ignore. She was a third generation advisor and spiritual reader; she’d also studied Druid therapy and was certified in past life regression therapy.
“Karma,” she said. “First off, know this. There is no good or bad karma. Karma just is.”
Hans nodded.
“However,” she continued, “karma does assert a basic law; that for every action there is an equal and corresponding action or reaction and it is our willingness to make a choice, to move beyond karma and reclaim our power to choose a course of action that aligns us with our Source.”
He nodded again. He had no idea what she was talking about.
“But how will this help me get in touch with my sister?” he asked. “That’s all I want. My sister disappeared when I was seventeen and she was fourteen and I must find her. I’ve tried to do everything in my power to enjoy my life, and move on but I’m tormented every second and it’s only getting worse. I must find her. Can you help me?”
She nodded. “We’ll need to dismantle the brittle shell of the ego,” she said, “and then we’ll be able to explore your karma and that will lead us to your sister. What is her name?”
“Kateri.”
“Kateri,” she spoke the name carefully. “Well, Hans, karma is always providing us with opportunities to become more receptive to the higher vibrations of love and compassion and that’s how we’ll find her. Often, we feel like we are being punished…”
Hans nodded vigorously and she continued.
“…but the true purpose of karma is to teach, not to punish. Karma intervenes to put us back on the path of our life-lesson which is to learn love, compassion, tolerance and forgiveness.”
She leaned forward and held his hands in hers. Her skin was cool and calming. Her touch made him feel as if a healing light was coursing through his body, identifying all the inflamed areas of pain and cooling them, while her energy washed his psyche clean like a mother stroking a child’s fevered brow.
He exhaled slowly and tried to maintain the control of interviewing her. “But I still don’t see,” he said, closing his eyes, “how this will help me find Kateri.”
She pulled away and he felt the aching loneliness of his now-empty hands. “It’s a matter of cumulative lifetimes. I know it’s hard to take it all in. It’s complicated, I’ve been studying this for over thirty years…”
“You must have been very young when you started,” Hans said and she nodded.
“Yes, I was. Anyway, I’ve been studying this for over thirty years and I know I’m asking a lot of you here.”
“I just want to find my sister. I don’t even have to understand. I just need you to find her for me.”
She smiled. “I wish it was that easy, Hans. But together, we’ll make a plan to try. I promise you that.”
They agreed to meet for dinner and continue the session and Hans left the tent in a daze.
Although he had only known Juditha for so short a time, he felt as if he had reconnected with a dear friend that he had not seen in a while. His body was humming as if he had had a wonderful massage and he felt emotionally light and free.
He had thought he would make straight for his darkened room and seek comfort with his ligature but he
didn’t feel the need and instead, he found himself at the swimming pool, lying on a deck chair and soaking up the sun.
At that point, he was not thinking about Melusine at all and the memory of their night had faded from his mind entirely.
He enjoyed a hearty lunch and returned to the pool.
And then, an hour before he was due to meet Juditha for dinner, he decided to go for a walk and it was then that he saw Melusine with the man.
He had watched in stupefied horror, turning away to throw up in a nearby pot-plant and when he looked up both Melusine and the man were gone. He went back to his room to brush his teeth and then he went to meet Juditha. His stomach was roiling with acid and his mind was aflame with thoughts of hatred and loathing for his wife.
He sought a darkened area near the rear of the restaurant and waited.
13.
“I JUST WANT TO FIND MY SISTER,” he says to Juditha. He still cannot believe what he had seen earlier — his wife with another man.
He and Juditha are sitting in a curved dark alcove near the back, and they are both drinking mineral water. Juditha is dressed in flowing white robes and her dark hair is spilling in long wavy curls over her shoulders. Her green eyes are clear and bright, and looking at her, Hans thinks she is one of the most flawlessly beautiful women he has ever seen.
“And find her we shall,” Juditha says. “But first I need to understand more about you. Start at the beginning. Tell me your earliest memories as a child. Start there.”
Hans is startled. “I can’t remember anything,” he says and she takes his hand in hers.
“Yes,” she says, “you can. Just relax. This isn’t an exam. You can’t fail. Close your eyes and think of anything and talk to me as it happens, describe it out loud. It doesn’t have to make any sense to you. Just tell me what you see, what you feel.”
Hans closes his eyes. He can feel his sister’s feet in his hands, the unfathomable softness of her skin and the birdlike delicacy of her tiny bones. He casts his mind back further; he’s sitting in the back of the car with his sister, they are on a family road-trip and their father is playing eye-spy. Then Hans is even younger, and again, they are all in the car, coming home from a dinner and he and Kateri are wearing the red downy jackets that Hans is so proud of and he sees that when they pass under the yellow street lights, that the jacket becomes a strange mustard colour. He points this out to his father who tells him he is right and that none of our senses can be relied upon, for is the jacket red or is it really mustard? Hans is frightened. He wants it to be red; always red, red under any and all lights.
His voice is a murmur in his ears, he is hardly aware that he is talking. He travels further back in time and he and Kateri are hunting for Easter Eggs and even then, she is so beautiful.
Back even more and he has no self-awareness apart from a vague hum and his father comes home and gives him a beautiful toy and tells him that he has a baby sister. Hans takes the toy and loves the sister he has not yet seen.
“I remember being wrapped in a towel by a babysitter,” he says, in a low voice to Juditha. “She wrapped me tightly, very tightly and I loved it. My arms were pinned inside the towel. And when she put me to bed, I wanted to be tucked in very tightly, as tightly as she could; tighter, tighter, tighter, I’d say.”
“Anything else?” Juditha’s voice is soft and light and she’s still holding his hand.
He tries not to force his thoughts, but simply wander back down the road of his life.
“My mother,” he said, “and my uncle, yes, it was my uncle, they were in the bathtub together, with me … my mother, and her brother, and he was washing her back, and she was washing me and there we were, the three of us, sitting in a train for a while, in a row, my mother washing me, and her brother washing her. We sat there until the water got cold. I remember the water getting cold and we were all wrinkled. I was very cold.”
“That’s excellent, Hans,” Juditha says, warmly, and he is proud of himself but then he is slapped in the face by the recollection of his current shame and he snatches his hand back.
“My wife’s having an affair,” he spits out suddenly and Juditha is startled.
“We came here together and now, she’s sleeping with another man. A fat man too. She’s ruined now, ruined. She’s dirty, ruined. I came here to find you, I didn’t want her to come with me but she did and now look what she’s done.”
Juditha stands up and he is frightened and sorry; it was going so well and now he has driven her away.
“Please forgive me,” he says. “You’re right to leave. I cannot be helped. It’s no good.”
She smiles. “Nonsense. I just thought we might go somewhere more conducive to talking, that’s all. We’ll go up to my room, I have a healing area there. We’ll get comfortable and continue with our work.”
Tears of relief fill his eyes and his chest burns.
“Thank you,” he says. “I thought the things I said sent you away.”
“We’ve been brought together by the universe Hans, and by you and me. We both manifested this, our meeting. We have a purpose together, a goal, and there are many choices that we can make during this encounter. We can choose to learn the lessons of karma or we can make further mistakes. It’s all up to us.”
“What do you mean, we manifested this?” he asks, getting up.
“That our being here is in alignment with our soul’s true purpose. We met outside of ourselves in the realm of pure love; the realm in which our truest selves reside, the realm in which we are all one — one in love and one with love. We’ve made this happen, Hans.”
He hopes she won’t talk in circles like this the whole night.
They leave the bar and reach her room and she opens the door to reveal the magic that she has worked in transforming the generic hotel room into an oasis of fragrant comfort. It is decorated in the same manner as her tent and is dark, soothing and fragrant.
“Lie down,” Juditha says. “Take your shoes off. Get completely comfortable.”
He does as she says and she covers him with a light blanket. He feels utterly joyful and as safe as a child in a warm maternal embrace.
“Before we talk about the specifics of your sister,” she says, “and don’t worry, we will get to that soon, but before we do, I want to explain some things to you, so you’ll have a context of awareness. I’ve already explained about karma but what’s even more important is that you become aware that we’re not humans trying to have a spiritual experience in this world; we’re spiritual beings having a human experience and that is a fundamental and essential difference.”
Hans finds her voice so soothing that he can hardly concentrate on what she saying and perhaps she senses this.
“Hans,” she says, “let me make you some tea and then we’ll carry on.”
He sits up and watches her move gracefully around the kitchenette.
He takes a drink of the tea that she gives him and he feels instantly more awake.
“So fine, we’re spiritual beings,” he says. “Look, Juditha, don’t get me wrong, that’s great but I’m not a spiritual person and forgive me for that, but all I want to do is find Kateri.”
She’s implacable. “We’re all spiritual. It’s not a choice, it simply is.”
He has noticed that she is very big on this ‘it simply is’ stuff, and he just nods. He does not want to get argumentative about the wrong things and he listens as she carries on talking.
“When we choose to have this human experience, it comes with much joy and many treasures. However, as humans, we also come into this world in an individual sense; we all come with an ego and this ego is very self-protective and wishes to keep us separate from our soulful selves and it fears the loss of itself by the immersion or acceptance of the soul-self.
“So there’s a great battle between the ego and the soul and because the soul won’t fight for a place in the same way that the ego does — the soul simply is — the ego generally wins and most humans live
their lives with no idea that there is anything else to be except ego-driven and ego-bound.
“Hans,” she says now, “the point of all of this is that in order for us to find Kateri, I’m going to need to do some work with your ego.”
He is alarmed and she sees this.
“You’re in too much pain, Hans,” she says, “for me to be able to channel Kateri, do you understand? Before we can find her, we need to help you find your way back to your inner loving self, the self who views the ego with kindness, compassion and acceptance. First we see the ego, then we forgive the ego. Then we can align our hearts with our true energy, and Hans, all that energy, all that life energy is love. Love is the life-blood of the universe. Right now your ego is a gigantic wall that’s standing between you and your finding peace with Kateri. We need to become friends with the ego and thereby dismantle its power and then you’ll find what you’re looking for.”
Hans sighs. “Juditha, honestly, this all sounds very tiring. I just want to find my sister. I don’t know if I can do this. I’m so tired. I’ve got issues I can’t even tell you about…”
“You mean your sexual addiction,” she says and he nearly drops the teacup and his pale skin flushes scarlet.
“How did you know?”
“Of course I know, Hans, of course. I’m an intuit, I know these things. But the universe loves you, Hans, it loves everything about you, even your addictive needs because they come from a place of pain, a place that is crying out for love. In a way, Hans, your addiction is a gift from the universe, because it’s like a sign that something is in need of your attention. Be grateful for the gift, for it will bring self-knowledge and with self-knowledge comes love and forgiveness.”
Love and forgiveness. He swallows hard and looks down.
“Listen,” he says quietly, “I’m a disgusting man. I lost my way. I loved my sister too much and my wife not enough. And now they are both lost to me and it’s my fault, with both of them.”
A Glittering Chaos Page 12