“It’s all your fault,” he shouted, his voice vicious. “You and your crap pushed him over the edge. Any normal person would have told him to get on with his life and be happy with his lot but no, you had to phone him every day, spewing nonsense into his ear and taking all his money.”
The words poured from him, startling him with their venom. “You bitch,” he said, “you ruined my father and broke my family.”
“I only ever wanted to help him,” the woman said. “I was only trying to help. And I’m here to help him now.”
Jonas had gestured rudely towards the crazy man who was drawing pictures on an invisible wall in front of him and shouting expletives.
“So, go and help him then,” he spat at her, knowing he was sending the woman to her death. “Go. You think you can fix this? Well, go ahead and try.” He walked away without a backward glance and went home.
And in the morning, it was true that he had spoken to Richter. The young police officer had called him in the early hours.
“I’m really sorry, Jonas,” he said when he came to the end of the story. “We’re trying to fit all the pieces together as much as we can and as soon as we do, I’ll let you know what we find.”
Jonas had listened in silence, saying as little as possible and hoping that Richter would mistake his reticence for numb shock.
“I phoned Kommissar Klein as soon as I heard,” Richter said. “He came over immediately and he’s on his way to the café now to tell your mother. He should be there any minute.”
“I must go, she’ll need me,” Jonas said. “I’ll call you later.”
He sat staring out into space, thinking, and minutes later, his mother called him and he rushed to the hospital to meet her.
And now, at the hospital, his thoughts are spinning and whirling like frightened birds and he is trying to slow things down and take stock of the situation.
He tells himself that no one had seen him in the park with Juditha and even if they had, who would believe a bunch of winos? He had left Nika sound asleep and returned to find her in the same position; he had nothing to worry about there. In fact he had nothing to worry about at all, except for the fact that he had as good as murdered the woman himself.
He makes his way down the busy hospital corridor to find Nika pacing in the waiting room.
“Not good,” he says in response to her unasked question. “It’s a matter of hours.”
He sits down on the sofa and puts his head in his hands.
“Jonas.” Something about Nika’s tone makes him look up.
“Where did you go last night? You went out at midnight, where did you go?”
As if things couldn’t get any worse for him.
“I couldn’t sleep so I went for a drive.” He knows it is stupid and lame as he says it.
Nika sits down next to him.
“No,” she says. “We’ve never had any secrets, you and me. We always tell each other everything.”
He sighs. “Kristian told me there was a woman with Papa, so I went out to see what was happening. But she wouldn’t leave with me so I left her there and now what if they think I killed her? Because Nika, when I realized who she was, I’ve never been so angry in my life. I can’t believe the things I said to her and then I left her there. What if someone saw me with her and the police think I killed her?”
“Jonas, everybody saw Hans try to kill Kateri and everybody knows you could never do anything like that.”
“But everyone also knows how angry I have been with the people from the Healing Lives Ministries and how much I wanted to find them. I’m really afraid, Nika.”
She takes his hand and chews on her lip.
“Let’s work this out. Kristian phoned you and you went out at midnight and got back an hour later. Where was Kristian? Did he see you at the park?”
“No. He wasn’t there. I didn’t understand that. I thought we were supposed to meet there but he wasn’t there.”
“That’s one good thing then. Who else was in the park?”
“No one. Well, no one that I could see. But who knows who could have been hiding in the darkness, watching. Any number of people could have seen me. That area is usually so busy that time of night, with the homeless guys and prostitutes. That’s the thing, I can’t believe that no one saw me.”
“Well, let’s not assume the worst. I can always say I couldn’t sleep, that I was up reading and that you didn’t go anywhere.”
She rubs his back. “Jonas, are you listening to me?”
He nods but doesn’t really seem to be hearing her.
“Nika, the worst thing is that when I heard she was dead, my first thought was that she deserved it, the bitch. She deserved to die and I was happy, I thought, yes, you stupid bitch, how psychic are you now that you couldn’t see this coming? Serves you right. That’s what I thought.”
His face creases and he puts his head in his hands again and starts to cry; big wracking sobs, his whole body shuddering.
Nika says nothing but she waits until he is all cried out. She gets up, grabs a box of Kleenex on the coffee table and hands it to him.
He blows his nose vigorously and looks slightly calmer. “I keep trying to tell myself that there was nothing else I could have done. That she would have stayed with Papa anyway. But be that as it may, I should have called the police. Why didn’t I call Richter? Why? You know why? Because I wanted her to die. There, that’s the truth. I wanted her to die.”
“Wishing someone dead isn’t killing them,” Nika tries to reason with him.
“But I didn’t take any action that could have saved her. I left her to certain death.”
“Jonas, she was a grown woman, responsible for her own actions. And who knows, even if you had called them, maybe she would have gone back at another time. We need to find out where Kristian was and if anyone else saw you. We can deal with everything else later. Come on, let’s go and phone Richter. You can’t use cellphones in here, let’s find the payphones.”
She pulls him to his feet and leads him out the room, stopping at the doorway. “But listen Jonas, the only thing you tell Richter is that Kristian phoned you, yes, be upfront about that but say you thought you’d deal with it in the morning. Okay? Nothing else.”
Jonas nods. “Okay. Don’t worry. Let’s go and do this thing.”
They find a pay phone and huddle in the booth, with Nika listening in.
“We’ve pieced it together as much as we can,” Richter says, “So Kristian phoned you from the Mission where he was having the late night snack. And he waited for you there but when you didn’t come, he went back to the park and he said that the woman was still trying to talk to Hans…”
“What time did he go back?” Jonas interrupts him; he is relieved to hear that Kristian had thought they were meeting at the Mission and not at the park and Nika nods too, knowing what he’s thinking.
“Close to one a.m. He said he remembered the time because he had wanted to go and watch TV at that all-night doughnut shop near the Mission. The owner lets some of the fellows watch TV after midnight as long as they keep it quiet and Kristian was pissed off because he was missing his programs.”
Jonas and Nika exchange a relieved glance and she puts her arm around his waist.
“So what happened then?” Jonas tries to keep his voice even.
“Kristian said he got pissed off with the woman, she was as stubborn as all hell and wouldn’t leave with him, and he couldn’t think what else to do, so he left her with Hans and went to the doughnut shop. He says he should have called me and this is all his fault.”
“No, it’s my fault,” Jonas’s voice is small. “I should have met Kristian at the Mission or gone to the park myself. Yes, Kristian phoned me, and I told him I’d go but then I just got tired, tired of it all, and I didn’t want to leave Nika alone. I’m the one to blame. Kristian must be really angry with me for not showing up.”
Nika shoots him a warning glance; he’s saying too much.
&n
bsp; “Kristian said he figured you fell back asleep, he said you sounded half asleep on the phone. And listen, you and Kristian both need to cut the crap. I know Hans is your father, but he belonged in a nuthouse and me and Klein should have found a way to put him there. I know Klein feels the same. We’re the police officers, if anyone’s to blame, it’s us.”
Jonas rushes to reassure him. “But you couldn’t do anything because we wouldn’t let you. Dieter wanted us to give you the support you needed but we wouldn’t. So no one else saw anything? Didn’t anyone see Papa kill her or even just see them talking?”
“Nope. No one saw a thing. Quiet night in the park I guess. We spoke to all the regulars and no one saw anything.”
“Well, I’d better get back to my mother. Papa could go any minute and I want to be with her. Thanks Richter, I needed to talk about it.”
Nika punches him again and signals hanging up the phone.
“No problem. You go and be with your mother and I’m sorry, Jonas, and please, tell your mother too. You take care, man.”
Jonas hangs up the phone and turns to Nika. His T-shirt is drenched with sweat.
“Well,” he says.
“You said too much,” she is accusing. “But it’s fine.”
He nods. “I can’t tell you how relieved I feel, Nika. That no one saw me is amazing. I tell you one thing, Papa ruined his life with all of this but I won’t let it ruin ours. I feel like I dodged a bullet.”
She hugs him close to her.
“Let’s go and get Mami a coffee. Come and be with us, Nika, don’t wait out here.”
When they return with the coffees, Melusine gets up and gives Nika a hug.
“I’m glad you’re here. Listen you two, I need to make a call too. You’ll both stay with him?”
They nod and Melusine leaves. She does not say who she’s going to call.
She digs in her handbag and finds a small notebook. She flips to a page and dials the numbers carefully. It is long-distance and there are lots of numbers to dial.
She is numb and her movements are mechanical and she is finally rewarded by the ringing of a phone.
“Hello?” a familiar voice answers, one that she has not heard in a long time.
“Gunther?”
“Melusine.” She can hear his unmistakeable relief and happiness at hearing from her. “And here was me thinking that you were never going to call. How are you? What’s going on?”
She tells him.
“My god.” He is silent for a moment. “I want to come and be with you. Please, don’t say no. Don’t. Okay? I know all the complications and I know we can’t promise each other anything, but just let me come; let me come, the man who loves you. Just let me come.”
She leans on the same panel where Jonas had rested his head.
“Yes,” she says. “Come.”
Acknowledgements
Immeasurable thanks to my publisher and Editor-In-Chief, the wonderful, talented and incomparably hardworking Luciana Ricciutelli; I, along with every sculpted word, offer grateful thanks.
Thanks also to my entire Inanna family who help me realize my writing dreams. I’m very proud to be part of this inspiring collective.
Bradford Dunlop, thank you for bumping into the German woman in Las Vegas: were it not for that chance meeting, this story would not exist. Most importantly, I thank you for your endless patience, for your love and for your lovely way of seeing things. Your insightful photographer’s eye sees so much more than most.
To Mom, thanks for daily support, encouragement and love; to Dad thanks for your stalwart belief in my writing and your view that writing really matters. My beautiful sister; I’m so proud of you. I thank my whole family for unceasing love and support and that includes my extended family on Bradford’s side; Marci, Mark and Deb and Syd and Lorie and Ed and Patti, Greg and Barb — and everyone — you truly make me (and the books) part of the family.
Thanks to my adorable niece Tully and my nephew Grayson who was my muse for Tommy.
Thanks to Danila Botha for your big heart and faith in my writing.
Grateful thanks to Chris Bucci for immense generosity in guiding me with invaluable initial plot outlines and related feedback.
Thanks to Jason Logan for much appreciated cover design direction.
To all my patient and wonderful friends — thank you! I am so very blessed by this abundance of friendship.
Thanks to Bonnie McKee Staring for always making me laugh and also for introducing me to the art of objectifying the back story — without you, there’d be no Ingeborg Bachmann in this book and I also thank Ingeborg Bachmann for wanting to be a part of this book; I felt her presence strongly.
Thanks to Yoko Morgenstern for helping me get my German facts right.
I’d like to thank Kate O’Rourke for her support since the start of my writing and I’d like tell her that her feisty spirit still burns bright — she’s greatly missed. And Julie Hope, also taken far too soon.
Brenda Missen, Dorothy McIntosh, Rosemary McCracken, Lisa Young, Donna Brown, Pam Mountain, Caroline Clemmons, Betsy Balega, Beverly Akerman, Kristin Jenkins, Pam Lofton, Richard Rosenbaum — it takes a village to bring a book into this world!
Poems and quotes:
The following quotes are from poems by Ingeborg Bachmann, With thanks.
Carefree be carefree … Cheerful and with music (Advertisement)
I step outside of myself, out of my eyes, hands, mouth, outside of myself I step. (I step outside myself)
I am cut off from myself and from everything else. (I Should Disappear)
Where the others have a body, I had genius. (My Cell)
Your eyes, which administer heaven, I can only speak of darkness (Darkness Spoken)
When someone departs he must throw his hat,
filled with the mussels he spent the summer
gathering, in the sea
and sail off with his hair in the wind (Songs from an Island)
I with the German language
this cloud about me
that I keep as a house
drive through all languages. (Exile)
Mouth, that spent the night in my mouth,
Eye that guarded my own,
Hand —
and those eyes that drilled through me!
Mouth, which spoke the sentence,
Hand, which executed me! (Songs of Flight)
The loan of borrowed time will be due on the horizon… (Borrowed Time)
I step, a bundle of goodness and godliness that must make good this devilry that has happened. (I step outside myself)
War is no longer declared but continued. The outrageous has become the everyday (Every Day)
Each half-baked feeling that passes by me … I have registered for a life sentence with you that cannot be carried out. (Consolation Aria)
At an end is the beginning of daydreams (Tired and Useless)
A long, long love has seen its wings grow heavy (My Love After Many Years)
Now the journey is ending (Stay)
From the novel Malina by Ingeborg Bachmann:
“A woman has to shelter her real feelings in the ones she’s invented, just to stand the whole business with the feet, but above all to stand the greater part that’s missing, for someone who is so hung up on feet is bound to be greatly neglecting something else.”
Website sources:
marjorieperloff.com/tag/ingeborg-bachmann
weatherspark.com/averages/28994/11/Wiesbaden-Hessen-Germany
www.wiesbaden.de/en/tourism/index.php
www.winespectator.com
mybestgermanrecipes.com
www.germany-insider-facts.com
www.germany.travel/en/towns-cities-culture/towns-cities/jena.html
similarminds.com/personality_disorder.html
www.allthetests.com/quiz26/quiz/1229120796/Test-for-Schizoid-personality-disorder
www.photius.com/countries/germany/national_security/germany_national_security_federal_poli
ce_agenc~1448.html legislationline.org/topics/country/28/topic/12
Other Sources:
The Thunder From Down Under DVD: Live in Reno
Thanks to the Toronto Reference Library for many happy hours working with Ingeborg Bachmann’s writing.
Photo: Bradford Dunlop
Originally from South Africa, Lisa de Nikolits has been a Canadian citizen since 2003. She has a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature and Philosophy and has lived and worked in the United States, Australia and Britain. As an art director, she has worked on marie claire, Vogue Australia, Vogue Living, Cosmopolitan and SHE magazines. Her first novel, The Hungry Mirror, was published by Inanna Publications in 2010 and was awarded the ippy Gold Medal for literature on women’s issues in 2011, as well as long-listed for the 2011 ReLit Awards. Her second novel, West of Wawa, was published by Inanna in 2011 and was one of four Chatelaine Bookclub Editor’s Picks and was awarded the ippy Silver Medal for Popular Fiction in 2012. Lisa lives and works in Toronto.
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