by John Grant
Finding the Walkman inevitably takes a while longer, because the kid borrows it most of the time. Finally he discovers it in the Lego box; he puts Madonna to one side and hums to himself – homespun biofeedback – as he untangles the earpiece flex from the uprights of Barbie's en-suite dressing-table. The batteries are dead, of course, so he leaves everything where it is and pops along the road to the corner shop to buy a fresh packet of four, two of which he puts into the machine and two of which he sets to one side to be lost. He tests the player, pressing the button so that the little red light comes on and the spindles turn; he doesn't put in the C90 yet, of course, because he still has to get lunch organized.
No sandwiches today.
The would-be model in the shop smiles at him and makes her engagement ring very obvious, so that he's reminded to look but not touch. Yes, he forgot – as every year he does – when he was in getting the batteries that he also wanted a single green apple and a large can of Carlsberg Special. She gives him a second admonitory flash of the ring and bends over to get the beer so that her tight jeans say "F.U." at him, except that he's discourteously forgotten that he's supposed to be looking-without-looking and is staring at the video-game in the corner instead. Back home he washes the apple carefully under the cold tap and dries it on a flannelette kitchen towel. Apple and can go into a Dingles carrier-bag; the Walkman is clipped to his belt; he throws on a brown leather jacket that Carol doesn't know he still has; he checks that he's put his change and his keys in the pocket without the hole; he checks that the snugly fitting windows and the back door are closed and locked, and that the cat-flap is swinging freely.
There are seven songs on the cassette. There were many more songs they sung than that, of course, but only seven were ever recorded, the last of them in the drawing-room on a little mono portable.
At last, just as the two of you go out the front door, he pauses to put the C90 into the player. He fiddles with the flex and then sets the earpiece over his head. As his right hand gives the door a little shake to make sure that the lock's caught, his left reaches blindly for the play button.
It's only about a hundred and fifty yards to the bus stop, but if he dawdles along the way the first track will last just exactly long enough.
~
there's a place just down the road
where they're selling souls in celluloid –
you know, the kind that your mother used to make.
they're bribing girls in pinafores
to stand half-naked in the doors
of cars that use more petrol than a starving child can take ...
~
It was a joke song, of course, made up for a joke band in the back of a joke pub (ye-olde-leatherette-and-die-stamped-horse-brasses) by Alyss and me when we were pissed and giggling. The Satin Shirts – that was us – had just finished yet another bloody gig for another bloody bunch of rat-arses. We'd sung the usual mixture of Beatles and Stones standards, plus a couple of Engelbert Humperdincks for the mums; anything more modern was unpopular with the punters. The four of us had been bored as hell. As usual no one had noticed that our performance was as flat as a sheet of cardboard – flatter, in fact, because earlier Alyss, peckish, had absent-mindedly eaten the banana she'd been supposed to toy with languorously during our rendering of "Satisfaction." Satisfied in the warmth of a bad job badly done, we were in the process of drinking our fee.
Everything as usual.
Chris and Bri were off fighting with the scrum at the bar to get the next round.
Not everything. Alyss was letting me hold her hand; maybe she just hadn't noticed that I was.
She was laughing about something that I'd said, and then she stopped. With her free hand she began to draw a pattern in the spilled beer on the veneered table, her long black fingernail (she was very into black nail-varnish at the time) moving with a quick precision that wasn't reflected in her voice.
"What do we do it for, Dave?" she said, quietly enough that I had to lean forward to hear her. There was a sheen of sweat on her face but she managed to smell like talcum powder.
"What do you mean?"
"This." Hand taken out of mine. A sweep of the arm to embrace a hundred purple faces. Hand dumbfoundingly returned to mine. "The Exeter pub circuit isn't exactly paved with gold, is it? No need to fret about whether the latest platinum disc would look better in the sitting-room or the hall, is there? We're playing shit for shits and getting paid shit."
Alyss swore quite often, but it was always a surprise when she did.
"We have fun," I said, shrugging. "The money's not much, but it helps pay the bills, lets us have a good night out ..."
"Yeah," she said, her yellow-green eyes suddenly focused, suddenly filling mine, "and that's all there is to it. In a few years' time we'll all have our degrees and our secure, regular jobs – except me, because I'll have 2.4 babies and be married to rather than doing a secure, regular job like you guys – and if people ask us over the cocktails if we're into music we'll tell them that we like a bit of everything and not say that at university we bumped out our grants by setting Mantovani to music for the benefit of the wives and girlfriends of the Duke of York's Darts B Team. God. The Satin Shirts. Even the name makes me want to puke."
"Well ..." I said, looking on the bright side. After a couple of silences I said it again: "Well."
"Don't pay any attention to me, Dave," she said. "It's the Guinness talking. I've just got into one of my what's-it-all-for? moods, that's all."
There wasn't a lot I could say. Luckily Chris and Bri came back with the drinks a few moments later, so I could drink instead of think. Alyss's hand was gone from mine, now; it was resting in her lap, the fist tight clenched so that her knuckles were red blotches against the paper-white of her fingers. She didn't say much, even when Bri started doing his Sherlock Holmes act and joshing her about the Case of the Missing Banana. She looked at me a couple of times, and her eyes made mine sad-feeling. Maybe I was wrong to think she was doing any more than glancing in my direction.
"Alyss's a bit low because she thinks we should be looking for something better than pub gigs," I said when there was a space to say it in.
Bri began to laugh but Chris, more perceptive, looked at me earnestly, then at her, then back at me, then nodded, telling me to carry on. So I said the gist of what Alyss had been saying and then I began to expand on it, because the words I was speaking were persuading me as well, so that now I was on her side. After I'd finished, none of us said very much for a bit. Alyss had both hands curled in her lap now, and she was watching the fingers flex and unflex. Chris was staring at his half-empty pint. Bri was smiling, bright and cheerful, sitting on his hands and looking backwards and forwards around our faces.
"Look," he said eventually, "there's crap and crap, you know. We play good honest crap – everybody knows it's crap, including us, and everybody's happy, because that's all they want." He took a couple of slugs of his Strongbow and then sucked his upper lip briefly to get rid of the fizz. "You come down to the boozer on a Friday night, you don't want to have to stretch your brain too much: you're looking for crap, and that's exactly what the Satin Shirts serve up for you. OK. The Satin Shirts are doing a good job – Purveyors of Good Honest Crap by Appointment to Her Majesty kind of thing. No shame in that. But ninety per cent of the bands in the charts aren't doing that: they're supplying bad crap, dishonest crap. Why? Because it's pretending to be something better than it is – maybe the bands even believe it themselves. Certainly the kids do. A bunch of prat-heads hire a synth that plays itself, call themselves – oh, I dunno – the Flaming Goolies or something, sing a song about teenage angst and the unreliability of underarm deodorants and whazzo! They've got a hit on their hands, the wrinklies shake their heads and call for Peregrine Worsthorne, Robin Denselow tells us in the Grauniad that it's the voice of a new generation, and the kids have another Statement, another Testament. Day after tomorrow it's a different band and no one remembers the – what was it?
– yeah, Flaming Goolies any longer but the Flaming Goolies don't mind because they've earned enough to live in the Bahamas for the rest of their lives. That's what I mean by dishonest crap. Everyone's deceiving everyone else; they don't give a fuck that they're deceiving themselves, too. Deceiving themselves all the way to the bank."
Chris swirled the rest of his bitter around in the bottom of his glass.
"I like the name," he said at last.
"What d'you mean?"
"'The Flaming Goolies.'" He grinned suddenly, digging out his roll-up tin. "Only you'd want to give it a touch of class, you know. Spell the 'Goolies' bit g-h-o-u-l-i-e-s, so it'd be a cunning pun, like."
Alyss's face was getting animated, too, as if she'd suddenly decided to throw off her moroseness like winter mittens – to hell with whether her hands got cold, this was the official proclamation that spring had started. "We'd all have to have new names, too," she said. "I mean, 'Alyss Henderson' doesn't have much of a pelvic thrust to it, does it?"
The green eyes had melted.
Within half an hour a new band was born. Yeah, lessavverbighan, ladles and jellyspoons, for
THE FLAMING GHOULIES
line-up
Fallopia Green (lead vocals and banana)
Crotchy Thumbstrangler (lead guitar, synth and vocals)
Buster Blancmange (bass guitar, axe and vocals)
Dave "The Beast" Dormouse (drummer, inaudible backing vocals)
I was the lucky one, I guess, because I didn't even have to change my name. If your surname's Doremus (my father reckoned Sinclair Lewis must have been sleeping with a distant relation of ours when he was writing It Can't Happen Here) it's pretty obvious what people're going to call you. Chris – sorry, Crotchy – told me that it was my job to write the songs, because drummers always wrote really crap songs unless they were called Kevin Godley, which I wasn't, and the Ghoulies needed nothing but the crappiest, so I said fine, my fee was only a couple of pints, guv'nor, and Alyss said she'd help me with the lyrics.
While Crotchy and Buster – see, I got it right this time – were up at the bar again getting my fee, Alyss and I set to work with a felt-tip pen and the blank pages at the back of her White/Handler/Smith Principles of Biochemistry. We sat side-by-side on the tackily upholstered bench so that her shoulder rubbed warmly against mine through the various layers of cloth between us.
Crap we were able to manage, all right – a few pints and that's easy enough. Buster had told us to make it good and pretentious, too, and that was a bit more difficult until Alyss remembered "Windmills of Your Mind" and began to hum it. We weren't quite able to match it, but we came pretty close with "Hill Snow and the Day of Peace." Call it my talent for titles. Alyss put an arm round me and kissed me on the nose when I thought of it, and her breath smelt of beer and warmth, and her eyes were speaking to me because there were only the two of us, you see, in the little cocoon we were spinning with the lyrics.
Then it was a while later and I was sitting in the kitchen of the house we'd all shared since the start of term. Crotchy had lent me his "other" guitar so that I could work out the tune. He wasn't going to be needing it because Fallopia – maybe it was the booze – had finally, after all these weeks, said he could share her bed and he'd tell me about it in the morning. I wasn't too upset, of course – why should I have been? Just a little surprised, that's all, but after all she was a fully grown adult. I was happy for them in their happiness as my fingers picked out the chords; the tap in the sink served as my rhythm track.
~
He's timed things perfectly, as he always does, and the pair of you reach the bus stop at the very moment the final mutilated chords echo away and there's nothing but the tape's dispassionate hiss. He clicks the stop button firmly; there's the air about him of a man who's just performed a difficult job very competently. His eyes are quite bright and alert as he surveys first the two old bags waiting there ahead of him and second the road to the right of him, checking there aren't any minibuses in sight.
He nods to himself, pleased.
Nothing.
With luck there won't be a minibus for at least two minutes and thirty-six seconds, which is how long the second track lasts. If one does come before then it won't be a disaster, of course – he'll just wave it on impatiently as if it's not going to the right destination for him – but he always hates the times when that happens, resents the momentary intrusion.
You don't resent it yourself – not directly, anyway. It vexes you only at second hand, as it were, because it annoys him. You're glad it's such a short track, so that there's every chance he'll have time to hear it the whole way through. One year an old guy tapped him on the shoulder and shouted through the muffling earphones for the price of a cup of tea, and you thought there was going to be murder on the street. You look backwards and forwards anxiously with your not-eyes, but there's nary a drunk in sight.
Dave presses the "start" button and leans against the Adshel, feeling its hard plastic give slightly against his back. He's excavated a battered old Boar's Head tin from a pocket of his green corduroy jacket, and he's rubbing some of the powdery-dry black dust into a slightly clammy-feeling Rizla blue. The roll-up'll ignite like tinder when he's finished making it, but that's all right because you're not allowed to smoke on the minibuses anyway.
~
when I came down from Bristol town
I was utterly alone.
I spent my days just wandering round
through streets I'd never known,
and when at last I found someone
who seemed to care at all,
I said, "please, please, please, mister,
let me punch your wall"
~
The tune came out better than it had been intended to be, even though there were only five chords in it. It wasn't exactly Beethoven or even "Roll Over, Beethoven," but it was good enough to tap your toes to if you didn't have anything better to do with your toes at the time. I sung the thing through the following day after we'd all got back from lectures. Crotchy and Buster were reasonably take-it-or-leave-it – it was "adequate," said Buster, which just about summed things up (he got really bad hangovers, and the Ghoulies joke hadn't seemed so funny today, especially not during Soviet macroeconomics, whatever the hell that was) – but Alyss, who'd very sensibly stopped off at the chemist's on the way home, said she liked it. She grabbed her White, Handler, Smith off me and we did the thing together, and with her singing it it sounded a lot better than it had when it had just been me, so Crotchy got his plank and Buster, a bit reluctantly, his bass. I drummed on the kitchen-table, marvelling as always about the nice sound thick-gravy-stains-on-fablon produces. Crotchy and Buster plugged themselves into the little amp-speaker unit they kept beside the toaster and we ran it through a few times and it sounded ... yes, adequate: Buster had been right.
Next Friday's revelers at the Double Locks thought it was pretty good, anyway. Since Jamie took the place over they get a lot of younger people down there, but back in those days it was one of those pubs where the landlord scours the obit columns in the local paper to see if it's worth opening up that evening. Well, not quite. Some of the people there might have been under forty. The guy who was running the place was trying to make it appeal a bit more to yuppies, and we were part of his grand, failing campaign. I think half the punters thought it was an old Gerry and the Pacemakers number they couldn't remember having heard before; the other half had never heard of modern stuff like Gerry and the Pacemakers. (My dad used to play Gerry and the Pacemakers to me – them and the Swingin' Blue Jeans and Freddie and the Dreamers. Then he had the nerve to tell me Genesis sucked.)
Since no one had actually thrown anything at us, we started to include "Hill Snow and the Day of Peace" in our regular act. It was about the only change we made all that term and halfway through the vac. (We stayed on in Exeter for the vac, none of us having anything we particularly wanted to go home for except money, and you can post money, can't you?) Oh,
yeah, there a few things. Crotchy and Buster got themselves bow ties, because the guy who ran one of our naicer venues suggested it would make us look a bit more upmarket; they wore the things everywhere else, too, for a piss-take no one noticed. Alyss only slept with Crotchy a couple of times before returning to her nunnishness; it suited her, for some reason I couldn't fathom. Buster got seriously involved with some girl from the poly who later proved to be under-age, which made for a lot of moist eyes in the starlight and crossing-off of days on the calendar. I just drifted along, the way I've always been so good at doing, quite enjoying Piers Plowman, quite enjoying Beowulf, quite enjoying Sir Gawaine and the Green Knight ...
The funny thing was that none of us ever thought of writing any more songs to go with "Hill Snow." We'd written it as a joke, but those few headbangers who listened to the lyrics in between the scrumpies seemed to take them perfectly seriously. I mentioned this to Crotchy one time, and he laughed. "Buster was right," he said. "Make the crap pretentious enough and people'll think it's for real."
Then there was the night we were playing the Drunken Driver, a not-bad pub (you've guessed it) just opposite St David's Station. After we'd finished and were tucking into our post-gig on-the-house pizza marinara and chips, a young, thin-faced bloke in a jockey cap came over and asked if it was OK to join us.