“I care now?” he growled, breathing hard on my lips.
There was fire and heat all over me. On my lower back, on my skin, between my thighs … I was clouded with something I had never felt before. Lust. Leigh never made me feel on fire, never made me want to be a different version of myself.
“Answer me,” he whispered, sticking his tongue out. He flicked his piercing on my upper lip, inciting a moan I felt from all the way under my panties. One of his hands cradled my throat, and the other held the back of my head. It felt so controlling and possessive.
But I didn’t feel trapped. I felt safe, protected. It was so beautiful, I nodded drunkenly. “You care.”
“I care,” he repeated firmly. He stepped closer, pressing his hips against me, and then he kissed me deeper, slower, making it so I wasn’t sure how to breathe and kiss him back.
I could feel something hard pressing into me. When I realized it was his erection, my lust exploded. I pulled away.
He let me, giving me space. He leaned against the wall as his chest rose and fell under the weight of his breath. “We’re living together. We’re sleeping together. We’re falling apart together. We care, Madi. We have to.”
“We have to.” I was torn between the depth of his kiss and the fear that he wanted to keep going. I wasn’t that comfortable with him. I might never be. When I thought of having sex again, it sent a bolt of terror through me. Sex and I didn’t go together anymore. Parts of me were gone, like a bridge blown out. I was missing the center and couldn’t get to the other side.
“We care,” I whispered, begging myself not to puke again. “Klayton.” I bent over, unable to breathe. His weight pressed into me. I tried to scream. To beg. I was suddenly in the air, in warm arms. On a bed. I didn’t realize I was clinging to Klayton until I heard him groan low in his throat. My nails dug into his bare back. I settled my palms flat on his skin, hugging him to me.
“No more hard-on’s, I get it.” He pressed an apologetic kiss to my temple. “Please don’t check out again.”
The desperation in his voice was the only thing that kept my time from slipping. I breathed in the scent of his sweat and skin. His soap was light, but it was there too, making it easier to inhale him. Mad loved how close we were. How his hard body fit on top of mine. She pointed out how long he was, how hard he was, how enticing his piercing had felt on our soft tongue. I felt his back, up and down, digging my fingertips into his taut flesh.
Abruptly, he pulled away, eyes leery. “You can’t touch me like that and then run away when you make me hard.”
My eyes shot to his groin, finding a long thick outline bulging in the front and down his leg. The sight of it made me both panicked and embarrassed. Klayton wasn’t like any guy I’d ever been with. “All I did was touch your back.”
“Yeah, well, apparently, with you, that’s all it takes.” He cleared his throat and scrubbed a hand over his growing beard. “And you don’t want that. So cut it out.”
I pouted, glaring at him. “I like touching you. It isn’t my fault you’re a horn dog.”
He stared at me, at my pouting lips, and then back at me, like I was crazy. “Did you just call me a horn dog?” His eyes became both mirthful and playful. He leaned over me and put his hand on the other side of my head, pinning me down without touching me at all. “Pout again, please.”
“What?”
He brushed his lips over mine. “You see these lips right here? Pout them like you did before. I want to kiss them pouting like that.”
“But—”
He shook his head. “No but. Pout them. Or you’re never touching me again.”
That made me pout defiantly, which made him grin, and I ended up with his large male body on top of mine as he kissed my lips deep and hard. His piercing had me panting again. It was the temperature of his mouth. When it caressed my tongue, I caressed my toes against his.
“What the hell?”
Klayton lifted off me like someone pulled him. Cat stood by the door, eyes widened in shock, hands on hips, mouth twisted in either amazement or disgust—I couldn’t tell.
“You ever try knocking?” he barked, glaring profusely at his friend.
I, on the other hand, was so red even my toes were pink.
“I didn’t know I had to,” she replied, giving me another amazed look. “Madison? You’re not seriously making out with him, are you?”
I hid my face against his chest. “Go away.”
“Get out,” Klayton agreed.
“Fine, fine. I know when I’m not wanted. But we’re talking later. Both of you. Separately,” she added, like a threat. She closed the door behind her.
“Great.” He flopped back on his bed, flinging his arm above his head.
His body was stretched out. Tattooed, muscled, and hard. I eyed the six grooves in his abdomen. His jeans were pushed low, showing off his happy trail. There was even hair on his abs. A fine soft layer. I didn’t want my heart to pound so hard. For my mouth to be that dry. I wasn’t supposed to want him, to feel lust, but lately, not everything felt frightening.
“Mad?”
My eyes flashed to his. “What?” I mouthed, unable to form words.
“I’m sorry.” His eyes were dark and reticent. “I shouldn’t be kissing you like that.”
“But kissing’s still mine.” The idea that I would lose that right along with everything else made it suddenly difficult to swallow through the lump in my throat. “I like kissing you, Klayton.”
He took a moment to answer. When he did, he looked at my lips as he spoke. “Then I’ll do my best to keep it that way. But we have to get out of bed.”
“And put a shirt on,” I suggested, eyeing his six pack one last time. “I don’t know what’s happening to me,” I admitted, giving him a small smile.
He got out of bed and stood at the end, trailing his fingers over his abdomen. “Don’t blame me. It’s these guys right here, huh?” He touched both his V’s, eyes heavy-lidded and naughty. The words Good and Evil were scrawled on each bone heading down to his happy trail. “I don’t keep them around for me.” He gave me a wink and then went over to his dresser and pulled out a white tank top, plunging it over his head. He fluffed his messy hair. When I simply stared at him, his short, jovial mood faded. “Let’s get out of bed.” He gave me his hand.
“And then what?” In his room in the bed with him, things didn’t feel so out of control and consuming. Every time I stepped foot out of it things tended to implode.
“And then we talk about what we’re going to do.” He wiggled his fingers. “Plus, aren’t you hungry again? I can run to Starbucks if you want.” He smirked for some reason.
Old Madi admittedly moaned in the back of my head. But she was vain, and I didn’t take tips from her anymore. I gave Klay my hand, letting him pull me up and into the living room. Cat was at the kitchen table looking about as frazzled as Klayton and me.
I couldn’t stay without dragging them down with me. But I could try and consider Klayton’s option. Maybe talking to someone would make it easier to deal with the stink of old cigarettes in the back of my memory. The smoke wafting from where he sat in the dark, watching my naked body bound to the bed.
“Shit,” someone hissed, catching me when I started to sway. I was in familiar arms, with a familiar man, with unfamiliar terror. “Maybe we hold off on the food,” that someone whispered, rocking me. “And maybe we think hard about option number two?”
I tried to free myself from him, fighting his stronghold on my body.
“Okay, okay,” he desperately said. “No option two. I won’t bring it up again.”
I sagged against him.
“What’s option two?” Cat asked.
Klayton explained everything to Cat as if I weren’t there. He had nothing to hide. Which meant I was wrong about him and how he felt. He found me attractive, as uncomfortable as that made me. He didn’t appear to want me to leave. He also had kissed me so good it pulled me from my horror. My to
es curled against the kitchen chair. I was aware suddenly, that I was straddling his lap and his neck and pulse were beating in my view. I kissed right where it beat the hardest. After his Adam’s apple bobbed, I knew I was right. He did find me attractive. I could affect him. I kissed him again, admitting to myself that kissing his warm stubbly skin affected me too.
“I can talk to Ashley. She’s the leader of the group I go to. She’s a therapist as her day job, but she’s been …” She paused. “Through the same kind of thing as you and me, Mad. She’ll understand. She volunteers once a week to talk and lead the meeting. Would that be all right if I talk to her?”
I tucked my head on Klay’s chest. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to hear what she would say. She’d make me admit things I wasn’t ready to admit. I didn’t want to go back into that room with those dirty sheets and him. But I could feel the coils in Klayton’s body, in his emotions—he would snap if I kept hiding behind him. Cat too. And maybe talking to someone would get me out of that bedroom. But I knew I’d have to go back in first, that was the problem.
“Will you come with me?” I pulled back to meet his eyes, finding them both tender and raw with emotion.
His hands reached up to cradle my face. “If you want me there, I’m there.”
I wanted Cat to leave for a minute. His beard and soft lips would be so fun to kiss right now. As it was, I got caught looking long enough to earn a knowing smirk from him. His eyes became wrought with humor and that starry gleam. “I want you there.”
“What about me?” Cat sang, tone heavy with amusement.
“No thanks,” I grumbled, lifting my body from Klay’s. I wasn’t hungry, or thirsty. I was confused and uncomfortable. I sat next to Cat and gave her a, please don’t hound me look. By the grin she gave me back, I didn’t think I’d get lucky.
“Klay, go take a break. I’m on the clock.” She slid her chair closer, giving him a look.
His eyes flashed to me. “You okay for a bit? I’ve got to unload the shipment and get some work done.”
I couldn’t keep pulling on his hand and begging him to let me maul him, as he put it. I gave him what I hoped was a confident look.
His eyes softened. He walked over, tapped my chin, and when I gave it to him, he leaned down to press a long lingering kiss full of his piercing and curled toes. When he rose, he gave me a wink and licked his bottom lip, showing me a flash of his blue barbell. “You can do it.”
My face was so hot when he left that I could feel my ears burning. “Don’t,” I said, but it was useless.
“What the hell is that about? I thought you weren’t into … that … anymore?”
“I’m not into that anymore.”
“Sure looked like it to me.” Her dark eyes twinkled. “You were practically humping in your seat.”
“Cat.” I glared. “We were not.”
She rolled her eyes. “You were dry humping in his bed like fifteen-year-olds. Don’t try to BS me. Madi, come on,” she said when I tried to get up. “It’s all right to kiss men and want them too. You’re allowed to reteach yourself what trust and sex feel like. It’s an amazing feeling once you find it again.”
“I don’t trust men. I’ll never trust them again. Only Klayton.”
“Well, he’s one hell of a man. I can vouch for that. Who better to let reteach you?”
“Catherine!” Why did she push me? “This isn’t class. I don’t want to learn anything.”
“Really? So, you don’t want to learn what else he can do with that tongue ring?”
Fire snaked up my spine. I gave myself away when I peeked at her, finding her grinning knowingly. “What else can he do with it?”
She quirked her brow. “Probably something your last boyfriend never would.”
Okay, that pissed me off. I shoved Cat off and stomped away from her, but she wrapped me in her arms and refused to let me go.
“I’m sorry. Jeez, Mad, you’re so sensitive. I’m joking.” She refused to let me go. “Isn’t it more fun to be a woman than a victim? I hated talking about what happened at first. I refused. I pretended to have fun, and then eventually I started to have fun. But I have my days. So will you. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about having more good days than bad.”
I sagged in her arms, and then I wrapped mine around her. “I don’t know how to have fun anymore. It seems out of place, like a lie. How can I have fun when I can’t forget?”
“How about we try tonight?”
I instantly closed up. “No.”
She must’ve noticed how non-negotiable my no was this time. “How about we go out for lunch then? You, me, and Klay? My treat. After all, Klay’s been real generous lately.”
Lunch seemed harmless. Then again, I’d thought the same thing about studying late that night too.
“We’ll drink some cheap beer at a cheap bar and eat some cheap food. It’ll be cool.”
“I’m not cool.”
“Oh, trust me, Cardigan. I know.” She smirked. “I’m going to tell Klayton. Get dressed and come down when you’re ready.” She gave my ass a loud smack on her way out the door.
I didn’t want to go to a bar. Was she insane? I waited for Klayton, but after fifteen minutes no one came to my rescue; I wasn’t even old enough to drink. I got changed. I eyed my hair and red eyes and snapped the light off without doing anything other than putting on a pair of jeans and a bra. After I put on my shoes, I went down into the tattoo parlor hesitantly.
At the door at the bottom of the stairs, I paused, hearing Klay and Cat talking.
“You know she’s not ready for a relationship, right?” Cat muttered.
Klayton sighed. “I know. It’s not like that.”
“It looked like that to me. You don’t care about anyone, Klay. And you damn sure don’t kiss women like they’re every damn thing to you. I wanted you to date seriously. Not fall for a woman who’s never going to give you what you need back. At least not for a long time. And we both know you’re not going to wait a year, or two, for her to get even remotely better.”
Her words weren’t untrue, and that bothered me. I wouldn’t want to date seriously because seriously sounded a lot like sex.
“No one’s fallen, Catherine.” His tone was clipped. “Why do you always butt in? If there were an Olympic team for cock-blocking, you’d win gold.” Something hit the ground. “And back off. If I want to torture myself, what’s it to you? It’s not her fault. It’s mine. She’s not doing anything. She’s just being herself.” He sounded sad suddenly. “Did you know she had a boyfriend?”
Oh no … I was torturing him?
“Yes … Why? Jealous?” She didn’t sound condescending. She sounded concerned.
“I don’t get jealous, Cat.”
“Maybe you’ve never met anyone worth being jealous over.”
“Maybe,” he admitted. “If I were jealous. Which I’m not. So don’t look at me like that,” he growled, making her titter.
“Oh, man. She’s going to ruin you.”
Remorseful, I tiptoed halfway up and then back down the stairs, not being quiet this time. I turned right for his office. It was empty and cleaned, no signs anywhere that I’d broken. I poked my head in the door a few feet away, finding it full of boxes, and Klayton bent over one. Cat was sitting on a sofa eating a bag of chips. It looked like a breakroom, with a couch, a mini kitchen, and a fridge, with a table and kitchen chairs.
Klayton’s eyes shot to mine instantly. He gave me an intense look that lasted a second before he returned his gaze to what he was doing. I was torturing him. I hadn’t meant to. Maybe kissing his pulse and letting him kiss me wasn’t such a good idea. But inside, it felt like the only good idea I’d ever had.
“Give me a minute, and then we’ll go.” He squinted in pain at something in his hands, and then set it back. “On second thought, maybe a beer’s a better option.” He rose, giving his back a stretch and catching my gaze. “You comfortable going out? Tell me the truth, Mad.”
“I’d rather stay in.” It felt good to tell him what I wanted.
“Aww, come on!” Cat bellowed, giving me a stare. “You’re a snooze fest.” She started to snore loudly.
“Mad and I will stay in. You go out. I’ll make a beer and food run.” That seemed to please him; his lips rose in the corner.
She snored louder.
I couldn’t take it any longer. Being the kink in their plans. Disrupting their lives. Torturing him. “I don’t feel like doing anything. Why don’t you two go out? I’ll hang out upstairs.”
Klay snorted at my attempt to distance myself. “Nice try, Madison.” He stood to his full height and came close, bending to put us even closer as Cat snored up a storm. “I want to stay in with you. If you’d rather not stay with me, I’ll take the hit to my ego, but I’d like to spend the night with you. Maybe order some sushi? Just you and me? My eye hurts too bad to risk going out.”
The old me had an unhealthy obsession for sushi. She’d eaten it every day one week and didn’t mind how tight her jeans had gotten until Leigh pointed it out. Recalling that moment upset me now as much as it had then. We’d been lying in my dorm watching a movie, and he’d reached over and pinched my side, grasping a fingers worth of fat to show me proof. “Maybe lay off the sushi dates, huh, babe?” He always called me babe. I’d always loved it. It was so cute and normal, so like every other boyfriend. Now, however, it felt hollow. A nickname everyone used. Klayton hadn’t called me babe once. Baby, maybe, but I kind of liked that. It was soft and vulnerable. ‘And we’ll work on putting some weight on to get back in those three’s.’ He’d even wanted to put weight on me.
“What if I fit in something bigger than a three?” I felt stupid the moment it left my lips, but it was too late to take it back.
“What?” He frowned, his dark brows twisting down. “We talkin’ about jeans right now?” He smiled crookedly and shrugged. “Three, four, five, six—I don’t care. Sushi’s worth the gain.”
Maybe he wasn’t the only one tortured. “I’d like that.” I forced myself to hold his gaze, even if the heat of it made it hard to stand still.
Mad Love (Guns & Ink Book 1) Page 14