I wanted to say more but my throat closed on me, the regret choking the sentiments back. It would have been better if he had raged against me. I deserved it. I had disappointed myself, and I was positive I had disappointed him too. The pain of that thought was overwhelming and far worse than the flickering embers of pain in my body.
"This isn't your fault, Cassie," he said fiercely, his fingers on my chin forcing me to turn my face back to him. I wanted to avoid his gaze but found I couldn't. Like a magnet, I was drawn to his regret-filled eyes. "This was mine. I should have been there to protect you, but I wasn't. I should have warned you about the dangers here, but I was afraid to. I wanted you to know about all the wonderful things here before you learned about the darkness that lives here too."
"Why?" I asked, confused.
Why would he blame himself? He hadn't been there, but that wasn't his fault. I could hardly expect him to spend all of his time hanging around a beach on the off chance that I took an early nap and appeared out of nowhere. I wasn't narcissistic enough to think that his whole life revolved around me.
"Because I was afraid you would choose not to stay," he said, misunderstanding my question. His face turned red with shame.
I started to shake my head, to tell him no, that wasn't what I’d meant, but his last words struck me. "It's not like I have a choice anyway," I frowned, my head starting to hurt. "As soon as I go to sleep, here I am. I don't know how long it's been since you were a human, but we kind of require a couple hours of sleep a night. There’s not a whole lot of choice in the matter."
"You do have a choice," he said, his voice heavy with regret. He refused to meet my eyes. "I should have told you in the beginning but you were so upset by your friends dream and your refusal to believe in this world that I thought you would make a choice without getting a chance to learn what you would be giving up."
I pushed myself up in the bed until I was sitting up, this time ignoring the dizziness and the lingering stiffness. I closed my eyes and focused on my breath for a moment, giving my body a chance to adjust to the change in position.
"I don't understand," I said finally, opening my eyes to meet his. "How do I get a choice if I wake up here as soon as I fall asleep anyway?"
He moved to sit next to me on the bed, facing me and taking both my hands in his as if bracing me for terrible news.
"You aren't choosing whether or not to come here so much," he said, his voice small, unhappy. "You're choosing whether or not to be Fae at all."
Chapter Ten
My head spun with his revelation. I could choose? How could anyone have a say in what they were? Choose what you do with your life, sure. Choose your profession, of course. Choose what you're having for dinner, what movie to see out with your friends, what radio station to listen to, absolutely. But what you actually were? The concept was so alien to me that I had trouble grasping it.
"I don't understand," I said weakly, struggling to absorb this news.
Aleksander sighed and stood back up, moving toward the window and looking outside, his face somber. The sunlight lit his face up, and even though he looked so serious and I could see the lines he had worried into his face caring for me while I was sick, I was struck by his beauty. Most men couldn't be considered beautiful without seeming delicate or effeminate, but somehow he managed it. The light showed off his golden skin and made his now serious eyes sparkle like jewels. I had to remind myself to breathe.
"Some choices in life are final," he said, his voice so soft I had to strain to hear him. "Like bridges that you burn behind you, once you have crossed that point, you can never return to where you came from. The path back is gone and you have nowhere to go but forward. In the most basic of terms, this is what the choice is. It is a decision you will have to make for yourself, and once it is made, it cannot be unmade."
I arched an eyebrow and stared at him blankly. "I still don't understand. You can't choose what you are. You just, well, are. What exactly is it that I'm supposed to choose that can change that?"
"The fate of your soul," he said solemnly, swinging his gaze to mine and holding it captive.
His eyes were bright, emphasizing the serious tone of his voice, and I felt my trepidation growing. I nervously fiddled with the blanket on my lap as I digested his words, the involuntary movement soothing despite the shocking statement.
"Like I've already explained to you, you are a Síofra," he continued after several moments, moving back to his chair and steepling his hands under his chin. "And a Síofra is the soul of a Fae born in a mortal body to a mortal mother. You grew up in a mortal family living a normal life until you reached adulthood. When you turned nineteen, your soul became aware of what you were and your mortal tether released, allowing you to break through the barriers and come here."
"I already know all that Aleksander," I interrupted impatiently, brushing the hair off my face and tucking it behind my ear. "What I'm not understanding is how there's a choice involved. Nobody asked me if I wanted to book a trip to Crazy Town. I kind of showed up here on my own. That wasn't a choice."
He stared at me, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips, and I felt some of the pressure in my chest slacken. "I am getting to that part. You are always so impatient to reach the heart of the matter, but this requires more explanation. Please, trust me?"
I mimed zipping my lips and tossing away the key. He chuckled, and I gestured for him to continue, resisting the urge to poke him in his side instead to spur the conversation on.
"When you turned nineteen, you began the transition to adulthood and became responsible for the fate of your own soul. It’s an awkward stage in life. You are no longer a child, yet not a fully realized adult yet. This is why it’s such an important year for a Síofra. As a mortal, you would be responsible for all actions taken from here on out and would eventually answer for them upon your death. As a Síofra, however, your soul is in transition at this moment and is no longer physically attached to your mortal body."
"Not attached?" I blurted, cutting him off. "What do you mean 'not attached'? That doesn't make any sense." The thought that my soul was freely floating around in my body was more unsettling than the thought of being judged at death.
"It doesn't make any sense because you are approaching this from a mortal standpoint," he explained patiently. I had the distinct feeling that he was being so patient because he felt unnecessarily guilty about those damned Piskies. "To us, the soul is not just part of you. It is you. It is all there is to you. When you are in the mortal world, your soul is encased in flesh, your human body, which is weak and vulnerable. While your body rests, your soul, which is not yet anchored to that flesh, is free to wander. As a human wanders through dreams when their bodies are resting, a Síofra is drawn here to be amongst others of its own kind. Your soul is not attached to your mortal body, nor is it fully attached here because you are neither mortal nor are you Fae. At the same time you are both, which is why the Piskie venom made you so sick but didn't kill you. If you were a full Fae, it would have been annoying like a mosquito bite. If you were a mortal, you would have died."
It did explain why Aleksander had been so worried about me when I blacked out if the venom was harmless to Fae. My stomach rolled. Had Niall known that it would only make me sick if the Piskies attacked or had he tried to kill me? Aleksander's friend Jackson had called it a trick, but tricks were things like putting plastic wrap on a friend’s toilet, not sending them to their possible death.
I shook my head, banishing my dark thoughts as soon as I could feel the panic starting to build in my chest. He probably hadn't known either. Piskie attacks on Síofra couldn't be that common if Aleksander had been worried about the outcome. I didn't want to think about the alternative.
"So is this something that happens to all nineteen-year-olds? The thing with their tether? Or is this a Fae thing?" I asked, forcing my attention back to the conversation.
"It’s a Fae thing," he explained, smiling now. "humans are different. T
hey always have an anchor to their human bodies that never lets them stray far. If they get too far away, if that tether is drawn taut for any reason, they snap back to their bodies and awaken, like I've shown you how to do with your light.
"A Síofra’s permanent tether, however, isn't created until they make the choice. It's impossible to stay that way forever though. It's too hard to experience life without any sort of mental rest, and a soul needs a permanent home. It doesn't do well to wander about for too long. This is what you are now. A mortal with no tether wanders to the life beyond. A Fae soul without a tether to the mortal world comes here.
"So officially, before you turn twenty, you will have to make the choice between remaining a human or staying here in Otherworld and tying your soul to this world as a Fae. It is an extremely important decision, because as I said before, once that choice is made, there is no going back to what you were before...”
I inhaled sharply and swung my gaze away from his, looking over the water. Choose my fate? I hadn't even chosen my own major. My parents had chosen for me. I was horrible at making major life decisions and usually avoided them until I had no other options. It had taken me ages just to choose a college to apply to, and even then, I had to have Becca and my parents help me pick. Could I leave my friends and my family to stay here forever? Could I give up everything I had learned about, everything I was learning about myself? I felt paralyzed with fear just considering my options, let alone actually making one. There wasn't enough room in my head to stuff this into and ignore.
“How would an official declaration create a tether?” I wondered aloud, chewing on my lower lip.
“Words have power here, Cassie,” he warned me. “We are bound by them, which is why you can never lie here, and you must always be careful what promises you make. You will be bound to honor them whether you want to or not. Once you announce to the Court your intention to stay, the tether will develop on its own and anchor you here.”
"How often do the other Síofra choose to remain human?" I asked.
I struggled to imagine how anyone could walk away from Otherworld after having been here. Everything here was intoxicating and amazing, my run-in with Niall and the piskies aside. It was a paradise compared to my mundane life at home, with school and homework, work and loneliness. So quickly it had become part of who I was and filled an emptiness I had never realized existed. How could anyone turn their back on that? But how could anyone turn their back on their family? To never see them again? It was unfair of them to ask me to choose, to show me the life that I could have—that I should have—and then tell me that the price was too high to pay.
"More frequently than you might think," he said, taking my hand in his and squeezing it sympathetically. His face looked troubled, and I wondered if it had been hard for him to choose this life and who he had left behind.
"It can be difficult when they are attached to their families and their mortal lives. For some, there is very little relationship with their mortal family. It would only be a matter of time before they were on their own anyway, so walking away and losing the life that could have been is not a hardship. For others like myself, the choice is not so clear cut. The prospect of not only losing their loved ones, but living so long that you would eventually forget almost everything about them is too much for them to consider. Some have even already married and have children of their own by the time the change is upon them. When a familial bond is that strong, saying goodbye to live a life elsewhere, even somewhere that they were created to belong, is unthinkable."
I felt the bitter taste of panic rising up in my throat, and I sucked in a sharp breath. If I chose to stay here, I would never see my family or friends again. I would never get to feel my mother’s hands on my face, my father’s strong arms holding me tight and protecting me from the world. To never see Elliott's smile, or hear Brittany's laughter was a price I had not considered.
I had always imagined that our adult lives would be spent near home, with family holidays, weddings, and christenings. Getting to be the fun aunt who gave chewing gum and candies when their parents weren't looking. Watching my father teach my own kids how to throw a baseball, to fish, and to hunt. These were all things I had always assumed would be in my future, in their future. Would I even be able to have children of my own if I were to remain here?
And what about Becca and Miguel? Could I turn my back on my mortal family? My friends? I wasn't sure what was worse—losing everyone I loved and living forever with the loss, or living so long that the memory of them faded altogether anyway. My anxiety continued to build, my heart beating wildly in my chest, and my shoulders sagged with fatigue.
"What if they choose to stay human?" I asked, my throat tight and constricting as I fought to digest what he was telling me.
Aleksander turned to face me, sorrow etched on his beautiful face.
"They forget," he said quietly. "To them, their time in Otherworld, everything they learned here about themselves, all of it is nothing more than a dream. It's too difficult to keep the memories of something that fantastical, so humans tend to dismiss them as if it had never happened."
I could see the pity shining in his eyes. He had made this choice too. Almost everyone here had. They had walked away from everything they had ever known to begin a new here. Could I do that? I wasn't sure I could, but I couldn't say that I would be able to walk away from everything here. I felt paralyzed with the magnitude of what I would be asked to do and felt resentful that I would have to choose at all.
"How long do I have to decide?" I asked. I couldn't fathom choosing between my life back home and the life I wanted to live here. To never even remember Aleksander? The price seemed so steep to me, no matter which choice was made.
"You will have until your twentieth birthday," he replied softly, rubbing his thumb lightly over the tops of my knuckles. "You have plenty of time to make that choice. Nobody is asking you to make it today. It’s not our way to force the choice upon a Síofra. For now, we will take our time and learn about the world here and what your responsibilities would be, and I promise this time I will teach you about the dangers as well. That way, when it is time to make your choice, you will not have to second-guess yourself, you will know beyond a doubt that this is where you belong."
"What if I can't make a decision?" I asked sadly. Aleksander gently brushed his fingers over my cheeks and I turned into his palm, resting my cheek against it and closing my eyes.
"Then you will remain in the mortal world forever," he said, his voice thick with emotion. "You have to formally relinquish your hold on your mortal body. There is a ceremony where you would sever your ties to the mortal world. If you don't do that, your soul will create its own tether and you will remain a mortal."
He pressed a soft kiss to my forehead, the warmth of his lips comforting me and loosening the tight ball of sorrow that was building in my chest, easing some of the pressure.
"You have plenty of time, Cassie. You have all the time in the world, and I have no doubt that, when the time comes, you will make the best choice for you. I think that you will make a great Fae, but the choice is yours. You have chance to guide your own destiny, Cassie. It's a blessing most people don't get."
That's easy for him to say, I thought to myself. I struggled with choosing nail polish colors, let alone a dimension to tie my soul to. I didn't know if I would ever be capable of making such a momentous decision, especially one that would be irrevocable. Free will was not always a blessing. Sometimes it was a curse. One thing was becoming clear to me. No matter what I chose—a mortal life or a Fae—I would be leaving a piece of my heart behind.
Chapter Eleven
When I woke up, I felt like I had been hit by a semi truck. My whole body ached from head to toe, and Becca was so happy I was awake she nearly cried. According to her, I had had a horrible flu that kept me out of commission for nearly two days. She had been on the verge of calling my mother when I finally woke up, still weak as a kitten but thankfully fe
ver free. She thought I should take at least a day before I went back to classes or work, and I obliged her. After I finally finished swearing up and down on the phone to Sharon that I would make up the lost time with double shifts after Thanksgiving break, I curled up in my bed and watched television all day until my mind felt comfortably numb, lost in the adventures of the Winchesters.
After a quiet night pretending to watch kelpies with Aleksander while my thoughts churned, I spent most of the following morning in a daze. I ate breakfast quietly, letting Becca dominate the conversation, and slipped off to class on autopilot. I felt like a horrible friend because I couldn't remember a single thing she had said to me, but she hadn't caught on to my lack of attention. No matter how much I tried to focus on what was going on around me, I wound up back in that moment on the beach, my heart pounding in my chest and his words buzzing in my head.
"Before your twentieth birthday, you will have to make a choice."
No pressure there at all. All I had ever wanted was to find myself, to find my niche in life. I had finally found where I belonged and it came with more strings attached than a balloon at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I liked things the way that they were now, loving my double life—college student with friends and family and a normal future by day, mythical creature and aspiring protector of sleeping mortals by night. I didn't want that to change, let alone completely give up one life or another, as if it never had happened. As if he had never happened.
I was so not ready to begin analyzing the pain in my chest, like the burn of lungs screaming for air, whenever I thought of not remembering Aleksander. I hadn't yet allowed myself to address how I flushed when I thought of how he had cared for me when I was sick or how full of sorrow he had been when he thought he had let me down. I didn't want to think about the excitement I felt whenever he was near me. I had thought I had plenty of time to analyze and overanalyze my attraction to my guardian and maybe explore that. A year sounded like a long time, but it didn't feel like long enough.
The Changeling (Book One of The Síofra Chronicles) Page 8