"Do you miss me, or do you 'miss me' miss me?" He sounded breathless, and my heart raced.
"I miss you," I answered, kicking myself for getting his hopes up again, and my breath caught and tears spilled down my face.
"Cass? What's wrong? Are you crying?" He sounded frantic. "Do you want me to come get you?"
I tried to answer but the words caught in my throat as the grief swallowed me again.
"That's it. I'm on my way. I'll be there as soon as I can.”
"No! I promise I'm fine. I'm having a crappy week. You know, family drama." I was still crying, unable to reel it back in.
I could hear him breathing, arguing with himself about whether or not to ignore me and come and get me anyway.
"Dom?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm fine. I promise. I’m going a little stir-crazy and I was kind of missing hanging out with you."
"I miss you too, Cass," he said, his voice thick with emotion. "You know, just because we're taking things slow doesn't mean we can't hang out. You should come over tomorrow night and hang out. Friends do that sometimes. I'll even let you pick the show."
I should have said no. I should have shut that door completely because I knew in the end I was going to hurt him, but I couldn't. I was clinging to every ounce of normalcy I could get. Being around Dom let me hide from my troubles, and that was exactly what I needed.
"Okay," I told him. It was only because I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want time to think about shadowy monsters calling my name or starving elves stalking me or angry best friends who wanted to know all my secrets when they wouldn't believe any of them.
"It's a date," he chuckled, and I could almost hear his grin.
"It's not a date," I argued. "It's just two friends hanging out and watching TV."
"Tomato tahmato," he laughed into the phone. "Call it what you want, but I'll be having dinner with a hot redhead either way."
"Goodnight, Dom," I smiled in spite of myself.
"Goodnight, Cassie."
Chapter Twenty One
"You look better today," Aleksander said, embracing me. I inhaled his clean scent and returned his embrace, not pulling away even when he held me longer than normal.
"Yeah," I said. "I feel a little bit better. What about you? Are you okay?" I pulled away and looked at his face as if it could tell me what he was thinking. All I saw in his eyes was relief, and I realized he had probably spent the whole time I was gone worrying about me.
"I'm fine. It's you I'm worried about,” he admitted quietly, his eyes sweeping over me as if to reassure himself.
I shot him a questioning glance but didn't say anything, just agreed with him when he suggested we go to his house and talk about my options.
His house was comfortable, with high ceilings to accommodate his tall frame and lots of large window panes to let in the light. I moved to a wooden chair near a table in his kitchen and sat down while he filled a kettle with water and set it on a small stove to heat.
"So I wanted to talk to you about something," he started, taking a seat in the chair across from me.
"Okay," I agreed warily.
His behavior was odd, and I almost felt my heart stop as I waited for him to speak. He was looking out his windows, at the fire—anywhere but at me—and all sorts of warning signs in large red letters started flashing at me. He was nervous and worried that whatever it was he wanted to talk to me about was going to make me flip out.
"I want you to hear me out all the way through. Can you promise me that?"
Oh yeah. He was definitely nervous.
"I can try if you can actually look at me and not at my feet," I snapped at him impatiently. "You're starting to freak me out. Whatever it is, stop angsting on it and spit it out."
A ghost of a smile played at his lips, and I could feel the tension easing.
"Sorry. I'm not trying to 'angst.' It's something I've given a lot of thought to, and I need you to hear me out before you shoot me down."
My stomach exploded with butterflies, their tiny wings flapping along the walls of my stomach and feeding my nerves. I didn't trust myself not to squeak so I stared at him quietly.
"You see, the thing is, you're not safe," he said.
I opened my mouth to argue and tell him about how I had spent all day learning to handle myself, but he shot me a dirty look, reminding me that I agreed to hear him all the way out. I closed my mouth and gestured for him to continue.
"You're not safe in the mortal world as long as you keep coming here. So I think it would be best for everyone involved if you made your choice now instead of waiting." He exhaled loudly and looked at me, trying to gauge my reaction.
I stared at him incredulously, waiting for the punch line. When I realized none was coming, I sputtered angrily.
"Are you serious?" I demanded, feeling panicky and anxious, like a tiger backed into a cage. "I have until my birthday to make my choice. You said I wouldn't have to make my choice before I was ready. In case you haven't figured it out yet, I am not ready!"
He frowned at me and ran a hand nervously through his summer-colored hair. He shot a wary glance at me, like somehow I was the one who was being unreasonable. I narrowed my eyes at him and set my jaw stubbornly.
"I know what I said," he exclaimed loudly, frustration ringing in every word he bit out. "But that was before we knew there was an Erlking on the loose. You can't keep dancing around the mortal world like you're a piece of candy waiting to be eaten. If you would just declare a choice, then you would be safe. Why are you being so damn unreasonable?"
Anger flared at my chest, and he was lucky he was out of reach of my pointy elbows or I would have been tempted to drop him like a sack of potatoes.
"Maybe because I've got a family I'm not willing to give up!" I yelled at him, hurling the words at him. "You're asking me to give up everything on the off chance this monster will find me! Don't get me wrong, Aleksander. I love it here, and it would kill me to say goodbye to you, but you can't ask me to say goodbye to them yet either! That's not fair!"
He blinked at me, the color draining from his face. It was the first time either of us had voiced that I might choose to stay with my family and how that might feel. He opened his mouth then closed it just as suddenly. He jumped out of his seat and paced the floor in front of the fireplace, his face agitated. Clearly it wasn’t the answer he had been expecting, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it.
"Okay then," he muttered darkly. "Okay, if you can't say goodbye to them, if it's too much to give up, then stay with them. The magic should stop clinging to you after a couple of days and then there would be no reason for the Erlking to hunt you. You would still be safe. Okay. Okay, so we need to go see the Queen and tell her you're ready."
He reached down and grabbed my hand, pulling me out of my seat and hauling me toward the door like a man on a mission.
"What the hell?" I yelled and wrenched my hand from his grip, moving backward until I hit a wall. "I am not ready and you are not listening to me!"
He stared at me, his eyes so full of despair that I felt my anger deflate. I wanted to wrap my arms around his neck, pull him to me, and promise him that everything would be okay. I wanted to comfort him and whisper soothing words in his ear until that look went away and never came back.
"I am listening, Cassie. If you aren't ready to say goodbye to them, then you should stay with them so you can be safe."
I crossed the room and cupped his face in my palms, forcing him to look in my eyes. His were clouded with fear, worry, and pain.
"I am not going anywhere, Aleksander. I'm not willing to say goodbye to my family yet, but I'm not going to say goodbye to you either. I get it. You're scared. I'm scared too, but I'm not going to let some shadowy threat that may or may not come for me make my choices for me. It is my choice to make, and for once in my life, I will be the one to make it. But I’m not going to do it while I'm scared."
"But—" he started to argue, his eyes flashing.
I covered his mouth with my hand, silencing him. "No buts. My choice, my timeline. That's how it's going to be. You can't make me choose before I'm ready," I stated firmly, moving my hand from his mouth and resting it on his shoulder.
He opened his mouth to protest again and I moved faster than he could, pressing my lips to his and muffling his words. He hesitated a moment, but then his lips moved under mine, his arms snaking around my waist and crushing me to his chest. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him fervently, letting him feel all my desperation and resolve, feeling his heart pound through his chest against mine.
I was stubborn, and I wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't going to let him or his fears take me away from what I wanted, especially now that I was starting to figure out what it was. I wanted him. I wanted him more than I had ever wanted anything before, and I wasn't giving him up without a fight. He growled as I nipped at his lip and I felt the butterflies burst into flame, a low, pleasant heat building in my stomach and stretching through my limbs.
With a groan, he broke the kiss and pushed me away, agitatedly running a hand through his hair as he drew shaky breaths, his eyes flashing.
"No, Cassie. I won't be like Erik. I can't."
A knot formed in my throat and I covered my mouth with my hands, stepping back farther and creating more space between us as I struggled to get my emotions under control.
"Are you kidding me?" I demanded incredulously, blinking back the tears that burned behind my eyelids.
How could he kiss me like that if he didn't feel something for me? He had told me before that he didn't believe in Síofra getting involved with their Caomhnóir's, but to hear him actually say so after kissing me with so much feeling made something in my chest crack.
"No, I'm not kidding," he said, refusing to meet my eyes. "I can't be Erik. I won't let myself feel anything more than friendship for you. You need to make a choice, Cassie, and if you aren't ready to stay here, then you need to go home. Go home, Cassie, and stay there."
My lip trembled, and I wasn't sure if it was from anger or from the feeling of my heart beginning to shatter. He didn't want me. How could he if he was so willing to shove me away, to tell me that I should give up everything he had shown me, all the wondrous possibilities he had given me. Possibilities he was snatching from my grasp just as I was beginning to see them.
"But I can't," I said, my voice trembling. I was grateful I hadn't already made my choice because his now cold demeanor would surely have killed me. "I can't do that. You said this is what I was meant for. All I've ever wanted was to find my place, and you gave it to me. You can't take it away now that I’ve found where that is."
He turned away from me, ducking his head so I couldn't see his face. "I was wrong," he growled.
I wrapped my arms around my chest, tightly hugging myself like I would fall apart if I let go. "You don't mean that," I said.
He spun on his heel and his eyes flared with anger. "No I don't mean that, but it doesn't mean I'm going to let you toy with me and break my heart and leave me here to die. You can't ask that of me, Cassie. And you can't ask me to sit by and watch you put yourself out there like bait every day until you turn twenty or until it finds you and kills you."
"I'm not trying to toy with you," I said, tears spilling down my face. "I would never—"
"It doesn't matter if you're trying to or not," he said quietly. "You're impossible not to love, but I'm going to do my best. I want you to be safe, even if it means you're safe with your family and I never see you again. But this… This isn't going to happen again. I don't want it to and you shouldn't either. You're making your choice and now I'm making mine."
I inhaled sharply and dug deep for the tattered remnants of my pride, jerking my chin up. "Okay then," I conceded, my voice thick with emotion. "It won't. As a matter of fact, we don't even have to see each other. Just because I'm here every night doesn't mean I have to spend it with you until you’re ready to stop being a jerk about this. This is my choice to make and I will not allow you to take it from me. Not with guilt, not with love, not with force, and not with emotional manipulation. I'm sorry I kissed you. It won't happen again."
He opened his mouth to respond but it was too late. I was done with this conversation and mortified to my core. I had put myself out there and had been shut down. I wanted out of there. I shut my eyes and willed myself home as hard as I could until felt my pillow under my cheek. Turning my face into its softness, I screamed into my pillow until I felt like I could face the day without falling apart.
Chapter Twenty-Two
It had been a week since Caroline had been killed, and Aleksander wasn't budging. He met me at the beach overnight and asked me the same question as if somehow the night would bring a new answer.
"Are you ready to make your choice?" he asked, his green eyes closed off and distant.
I felt a combination of anger and despair spark in my chest until I was ready to choke on it—or possibly choke him. It was hard to tell. Instead, I glared at him and shook my head.
"No. Are you ready to stop trying to push me into something I'm not ready for?" I snapped at him.
"Are you ready to stop pretending you're not in danger?" His eyes flashed dangerously.
"Are you ready to stop acting like you don't give a crap about me?" I tossed back angrily.
His face paled and something that looked like regret flashed in his eyes, but it was gone in an instant. Wiping all emotion from his face, he stared at me impassively until I wanted to punch him just to see if he would change his expression.
"Whatever," I flared, spinning on my heel and heading toward the village.
He followed me, never saying anything, and I could feel his gaze burning into my back. I wanted to turn around and scream at him, rage at him until he said something. Until I could see some glimpse of the guy who had made me feel like I could do anything when he smiled at me, but that guy was gone.
I spent all of my time there at Erik's side. Jackson and Queen Titania told me that there was nothing I could do to help him, nothing to ease his passing, but I couldn't leave him to do it alone. He was the only person who missed Caroline as much as I did, and I knew Caroline wouldn't want him to die alone. I owed it to her to be there for him.
He was fading. I didn't mean that as a figure of speech—he was literally fading. Every day he seemed a little more transparent, a little hazier around the edges. I was worried what would happen the night I showed up at his home and he was completely gone. It would be like losing Caroline all over again. I knew he was in pain, but he never complained. He allowed me to hold his hand and listen while he talked to me about Caroline and how much she had been looking forward to their future together. A future he no longer wanted if she couldn’t share it with him.
"She loved you too, you know," he said to me one night as I gripped his hand tightly in mine. "She said she knew you were going to choose to stay here and she was glad she would have a friend here besides me."
"She said that, huh?" I swallowed the lump building in my throat but couldn't stop the tears from sliding down my cheeks. "She was pretty sure of herself, wasn't she?"
He smiled sadly at me and patted my hand reassuringly. His touch felt so soft, almost insubstantial. He was running out of time, but I wasn’t ready to let him go yet.
"She was sure of you," he corrected me thoughtfully. "And she was sure of Aleksander. He loves you."
I shook my head violently, denying his claims. "No he doesn't. He told me he didn't and wouldn't let himself."
Erik smiled patiently at me like I was an argumentative child who was saying that the sky was green and the grass was blue.
"He's scared, Cassie. For you and for what it could mean for him. He's looking at all the pain right now, but he's missing out on all the joy. If I had to do it all over again, knowing I would lose her, I wouldn't do anything differently. Those happy moments together are worth the pain. Those few happy days with her were more important than t
he eons I lived before her. She made my life worth living."
I wept loudly, my shoulders shaking with grief. I ducked my head, fixing my eyes on his massive hand wrapped around mine while I tried to get a hold of myself.
"Don't cry for me," he soothed, squeezing my hand. He was fading away and he was trying to comfort me. "I don't want to be here without her anyway."
"You can't talk like that," I argued, narrowing my eyes at him, my sorrow turning to anger at his words. "She wouldn't want that for you. She would have wanted to know you were living somewhere, happy."
"Whether she would want me to or not, it doesn't change anything," he said. "I have been a Fae for a millennium, but I don't think I truly existed until she came into my life. I'm too tired to live another millennium without her. She took my happiness with her."
I gulped the air and felt a heaviness settle in my stomach. I wanted to tell him that he was being selfish by giving up, but I couldn't. Seeing him without her happy face beaming up at him was wrong. It was like looking at a painting that had been torn in two. The part that was left looked incomplete and damaged. He would never be whole without her.
"I understand," I admitted, wiping the tears from my face with the back of my hand while Jackson squeezed my shoulder.
I excused myself to go make him a cup of tea when Erik closed his eyes and drifted off into another bout of fitful sleep. I was desperate to step away from the emotional wrecking ball that was breaking me down. It was all getting to be too much for me—Aleksander's anger, Caroline's loss, my rising fear of the creature that had killed her. I felt like a rubber band being stretched too far. I was strung tight, close to snapping, and I knew it.
"You okay?" Jackson asked, following behind me, closing the door.
I shook my head and busied myself filling the tea kettle and setting it to boil. "No, not really," I said, too tired to plaster on my happy face.
"Would I be wrong to assume Aleksander is still being stubborn?"
"If by stubborn you mean refusing to do anything but scowl at me and force me to declare myself as a mortal, then I’d say you’re assumptions were pretty intuitive. There are mules more reasonable than he is."
The Changeling (Book One of The Síofra Chronicles) Page 17