"So you're just going to pretend like it never happened? Like they never happened?" I demanded, the blood draining from my face.
"I don't expect you to understand," he argued. "You've never known loss or suffering or guilt."
I narrowed my eyes at him, and a strangled laugh bubbled over my lips. "I've never known guilt? Really? All I've known recently is guilt, and fear, and anger, and loss. So whoever's head you think you're crawling around in, it isn't mine."
His eyes flashed dangerously. "No, Cassie, you haven't. If you did, you wouldn't be so damn cavalier about your own life. You'd make your choice and be done with it instead of putting yourself in danger every time you come here."
"What does it matter?" I asked irritably. "By your own admission, you don't mourn the dead. You pretend they never happened."
The words cut deep as soon as they left my lips. He paled and his lips tightened with anger, and I wished I could take them back.
"I don't pretend they never happened. I will carry them with me forever, but I can move on from that because their deaths aren't on my hands. There was nothing I could do to save them. You're different."
"How?" I asked incredulously. "What makes me any different from them?"
"Because losing them wouldn't kill me. The longer I'm around you, the more important you are to me. There was nothing I could do to save them. You’re different. It’s my job to protect you, and I have enough guilt to carry with me without adding yours to it too. You have no sense of self-preservation. That's why it's different. You're different, and you’re closer than I want you to be."
Understanding washed over me like a tidal wave, and I realized with a sinking heart it wasn't about me at all. It was about Margaret.
"Jackson told me about Margaret. I get it. You have a problem with losing people and lots of misplaced guilt, and maybe you're not over losing her. That's fine. I understand. I've put you in a bad spot the past couple weeks, but once you accept that this is my choice and not yours and you would have nothing to feel guilty over, then we can go back to being friends."
Aleksander paled, his face agitated, and he ran a hand through his honey-colored hair. "And what exactly did Jackson tell you about Margaret," he growled, his eyes flashing.
I gulped and stared at my hands. If it were physically possible to kick myself in the ass, I would have. How insensitive could I be, dragging up his dead girlfriend when he was already hurting, whether he wanted to admit it or not?
"He said you made your choice because she died. That you blamed yourself for losing her and couldn't live there without her, so you came here instead."
"That’s not exactly what happened," he said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I didn't come here because I lost Margaret. I came here because it was my fault she died and I couldn't live with the guilt."
My eyes flew to his, to the regret shining in them. "I don't understand," I said. "Jackson said she died in a car accident."
"You have to understand," he said quietly, moving to a large rock and leaning against it, looking out over the water rather than meeting my gaze. "Margaret and I were together for years. It doesn't sound like long, but when I was a mortal, it was as good as being married. It was what she wanted, what everyone assumed would happen, what I assumed would eventually happen."
"What changed?" I asked, my eyes glued to his profile.
"Nothing. That was the problem. I kept waiting for something to happen to make me fall in love with her. I'd loved her most of my life, but it wasn't enough. It wasn't what my parents had, and that's what I wanted. I was driving her home after prom and she kept talking about our future. How we would get married and have all these children and this whole life she had planned out for us. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was suffocating under her expectations, and I told her I didn't want to get married."
His eyes filled with tears, and my heart clenched painfully for him.
"She was crying and I was angry and my attention on her ," he said so low I had to strain to hear him. "When I looked back a the road , there was a deer standing in front of us. I swerved to miss it and lost control of the car and hit a tree. I was wearing my seatbelt but she wasn't. She was thrown through the windshield. They said she died on impact, and I hope that's true."
"I'm so sorry, Aleksander," I said softly, lifting my hand and resting it on his shoulder awkwardly. I wanted to comfort him but did not know where to begin. "You can’t hold yourself responsible for that."
"I can," he said fiercely, turning to look at me, his eyes dark. "Because if I had loved her like she deserved, she'd still be alive. I couldn't bear to face her family, knowing what a coward I was. When Jackson offered me the chance to get away, I took it."
"Your relationship didn't kill her, Aleksander," I said firmly. "It was an accident. It wasn't your fault."
"It was my fault, and I’ll carry the guilt with me. Please don't ask me to carry guilt for you too." His eyes pleaded with me, begging me to agree to what he wanted and spare him the pain of my possible death.
"It's okay," I said soothingly, looking away from him. "I'm not asking you to carry guilt for me. There would be no cause for it. The choice is mine, not yours."
He opened his mouth to argue and I held a hand up in front of him, cutting him off.
"And I know you aren't ready for anything with me when you're still so guilt ridden over Margaret. I'll stop making a fool of myself, throwing myself at you, and maybe we can go back to being friends."
"I don't want to be friends," he said, and I looked back at him, tears filling my eyes. I bit my lip and willed them not to fall. I nodded awkwardly, desperate to get away from him, from the whole conversation.
"Okay then," I gulped. "I'll, um… I'll go. I'll let The Queen know I need a new Caomhnóir after all. I'm sorry." I turned, not wanting him to see my hurt.
"I don't want to be friends, Cassie, because I want to be something more."
I stopped dead in my tracks, my chest heaving.
"I'm kind of getting emotional whiplash here, Aleksander," I said plaintively, turning to look back at him when I felt his hand slip around mine. "I can't keep up."
"The problem is I want more with you, but I'm afraid to have it. I would like to continue with your training, but as long as you stay a Síofra, nothing can happen between us. I don't want you holding on to the Fae because of me."
"Then you haven't been listening to me at all," I said. "I'm holding on to the Fae for me. My whole life, I've let everyone make choices for me. The only reason I even applied to the college I did was so I could stay with Becca, so I could stay near my parents. I've never wanted the responsibility of my fate until now.
"When I choose—and what I choose—it will be for me. Not for anyone else, and not for something as unreliable and fickle as my heart."
Chapter Twenty-Six
"Are you sure I can do this?" I asked, staring at the Pool in front of me. I didn't think he believed me that I wasn't trying to stick around for his sake, but the conversation had grown sufficiently awkward and uncomfortable that we had silently agreed to drop it and move on. I hadn't realized how much I’d missed spending time with him until he had suggested we move to the Pool of Dreams and work on my skills.
"I know you can do this, Cassie." he encouraged, giving me a small smile, making my breath catch in my throat.
"But what if I can't think the right thoughts again? What if I mess up?"
"You won't," he soothed. "I'm right here with you, and I'm not going to let anything happen to you. You have to trust me. Do you trust me?"
I let my eyes slide over his face, taking in his gentle green eyes, his golden hair, his soft lips, and I knew I did. I trusted him with my life. He hadn't spent all that time fighting me to make a choice just to lose me in a nightmare.
“I trust you."
He reached down and touched the water with his fingertips. Ripples appeared on the surface and moved outward in expanding rings, tinting the water crimson, and a dark w
ooded area appeared in front of me.
I watched a young girl standing in a small clearing, her clear green eyes filled with anxiety, and I felt a matching panic rise in me. Her green eyes were so like my own.
"Is she a Síofra?" I asked, my heart racing.
"Young, but I believe so," Aleksander frowned, his eyes riveted on the water.
The girl whirled to look behind her and my skin prickled with fear alongside hers. Her face twisted and tears filled her eyes. She was panicking.
"Put your hand in the water, Cassie," Aleksander urged next to me.
I pushed my hands toward the water but hesitated at the surface. Fear gripped me as a sick sense of déjà vu settled in. This nightmare was too familiar, the shadows of the bare trees bent in the background screaming at me even as bile rose in my throat.
"I can't!" I said, the fear immobilizing me. I wanted to turn away, to bury my face in Aleksander's side, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from the scene in front of me. It was my own nightmare playing out in front of me, and seeing it happening to another Síofra made me break out in a cold sweat.
"Yes you can," he urged. He moved closer to me, his hand rubbing small comforting circles on my back. "You can do this, Cassie. She needs you to be strong for her."
My heartbeat raced as the shadow appeared in front of the girl. She screamed, and I felt ice slide down my spine as I remembered being in her position, knowing the creature was mocking her. It filled me with dread. The girl broke free and backed up rapidly, tripping over a root and falling to the ground. I choked back a sob as the creature leaned over her.
"Do it, Cassie. Do it now!" Aleksander said anxiously.
I shut my eyes tight and thrust my hand in the water, feeling the slimy cold as my hand pushed through the barrier with a small pop. The air on the other side was frigid, and I had to force myself not to pull my hand back out.
"Now, Cassie! Use your light!"
I thought of Becca, of Miguel, of my mother. But instead of their faces filled with love and the warmth it always brought me, I saw nothing but disappointment and despair. I had been so awful to everyone. What the hell was wrong with me?
"Try harder! You can do this!"
I focused harder and thought of Dom, of his beautiful blue eyes. There was something there between us growing stronger every day in his quiet acceptance of me, but instead of acceptance, I imagined the heartbreak I would bring him if I couldn't love him like he wanted me to.
"I can't," I sobbed.
"You can!" Aleksander urged, and I felt his warm breath against my face. His warm hands cupped my cheeks, turning my face toward his. I opened my eyes, startled, and saw a look of such yearning in his eyes that it startled me.
I inhaled deeply before he pressed his lips to mine. Time stood still as his lips moved softly against mine, and for a brief moment, I forgot all about my fear, all about the desolation and loss I knew the girl in the nightmare was feeling, and existed only in his kiss. My lips moved underneath his and my heart beat erratically as it swelled. Heat built in my chest, spreading out through my body until it burned in my hand.
"You did it," he said against my lips.
"Huh?" I said, dazed. "What did I do?"
"You set her free."
I blinked and looked back at the water. He was right. in my hand was a ball of light so pure and strong it was blinding. I yanked my hand back out of the water and saw the empty scene in front of me. I had rescued the girl from our nightmare just as Aleksander had done for me. She was free, and I had saved her.
"I did it!" I cheered excitedly, sitting up, a smile stretching my face and making my cheeks ache. "Aleksander! I did it!"
"You did it," he agreed, his voice full of pride as he smiled at me in return. My breath caught in my throat and I brought a trembling hand to my lips. "You're going to make an amazing Fae."
"You kissed me," I accused.
"I did." He grinned sheepishly at me.
"Why? Why would you kiss me after all those speeches about not letting yourself get too close?"
"I don't know," he said, refusing to meet my eyes. "I didn't plan on it. You looked so vulnerable and scared that I would have done anything to take the fear out of your eyes. I've never seen someone overtaken with fear before they even made contact with the Dreaming."
I nodded, breathing hard just thinking about the cold shadow with the mocking laughter.
"It was my nightmare," I said.
He frowned at me. "What do you mean it was your nightmare?" he demanded.
"I've had that same exact dream before. I had it every night for weeks before my birthday. Sometimes I woke up on my own. Sometimes a bright light woke me up. But seeing that space, seeing the look on her face, made it all come back. That's why I asked you if she was a Síofra."
"That's not possible," he said, his face draining of color. "There's no way you could have shared dreams with another Síofra."
I shook my head. "No, it was the same dream. The same exact dream. He was calling her name, taunting her. He likes to taunt you, to make you afraid until you run. He wants to chase you, and he'll say whatever he can until you bolt. It’s a game to him."
Panic bubbled in my chest again and my blood ran cold as I imagined the chilling voice whispering in my ears.
"What did it say?” Aleksander asked, his eyes flashing with fear.
"Different things at different times," I confessed. "But always that he's coming for me and that there’s no place I could hide that he won’t find me."
Aleksander jumped to his feet and ran his hand through his hair, agitated by my confession. "Why didn't you say something before?" he demanded.
"I thought it was just a nightmare," I answered defensively, scrambling to my feet next to him. "And I thought you had seen my nightmares often enough. You said you saved me from them. I remember the light—your light—waking me up."
"No, Cassie." He shook his head. "I've never saved you from a nightmare like that. I stopped watching your dreams in the weeks before you came here. I was with Jackson preparing for your arrival."
"Well someone did. And whoever it was, I owe them a cookie because in case you didn't notice, it wasn't exactly a run-of-the-mill nightmare."
"No, of course it wasn't," he agreed, climbing off the rock and pacing. "It wouldn't have been. If you were being stalked in your nightmares, if that Síofra was being stalked by the same creature, there's only one thing it could be."
My heart stopped beating.
"What's that?" I said, knowing what he was about to say and wishing I were wrong. I needed to be wrong.
"It was the Erlking. That's how he's finding you. They’ve figured out how to get into the Dreaming from the mortal side"
"No," I gasped. "That's not possible. I've been a Síofra for two months and it hasn't come for me. If it knew where to find me, it would have already come for me. You're wrong."
He shook his head and grasped my arms, forcing me to look at him. "I'm not wrong, Cassie. I wish I were but I don't think I am. I'm right about this, and I'm right about your choice. You need to make it now, Cassie. You don’t know if this thing has found you yet or how close it's gotten to you. It could be anyone, anything, and you would never know. You have to declare and get yourself out of harm’s way."
"No," I exclaimed. "I'm not ready! This changes nothing!"
"This changes everything," he snapped. "Go home, Cassie. Declare yourself as a mortal and go home to your family. This world is too dangerous for you now and you need to be safe. You love your family too much to let them go, and I won't let you stay here."
"How the hell can you say that after you kissed me like that? I chased away the nightmare! This is what I'm meant for! You've said it yourself!"
"Because I shouldn't have!" he exploded. "I shouldn't keep encouraging you. You cannot stay here because of me, Cassie."
"Oh for goodness’ sake, Aleksander! For the last freaking time, I am not making a choice to stay here for you. I like you, and t
here might be something between us, but you've been pretty clear that you didn't want anything with me and that's fine."
"You say that—" he said before I cut him off.
"I say that because I mean it," I argued. "When you kiss me, it's like you steal all the air and I can't breathe, but that's not enough. I love spending time with you, but I told you a long time ago that I wasn't going to be one of those codependent girls who gives up her whole life for a guy. And if it makes you feel any better, I'm kind of seeing someone in the real world anyway."
"You're seeing someone?" he gasped, his face looking so stricken I wished at once I could reach into the air and snatch the offending words back.
"Kind of," I said, guilt dropping my heart into my stomach. "He's just a friend, but he's been asking me to give him a shot, and you made it clear you weren't interested, so I said okay."
"You never mentioned anyone else," he said, his mouth tight as he refused to meet my eyes.
"It never came up," I said lamely. "And it's a relatively new development. I met him on my birthday and he agreed to be just friends until recently."
His eyebrows shot up in surprise. "You met him on your birthday?" he demanded. "Describe him to me."
"No," I said, my brows drawing together. "He's a normal human guy. He's my friend."
"Are you sure?" His eyes flashed dangerously and he grasped my arms tightly. "Can you be positive he's not the Erlking, Cassie? Do you want to take that risk?"
"Stop it," I argued, wrenching myself from his grasp. "Dom is not an Erlking. He's just a guy who really likes me, and maybe I could like him back if I could stop being so hung up on you! I can't figure you out. One day you like me, the next we can't be anything more than what we are. It's exhausting trying to keep up."
"At least keep your eyes open," he begged. "Think about your dream. Remember the way you felt, the things you saw. Look for clues. Erlking know how to hide themselves among the mortals. They've done it for so long. What are the odds this guy shows up on your birthday, just as you start coming to Otherworld with our magic on your soul?"
The Changeling (Book One of The Síofra Chronicles) Page 20