“Because she didn't want you to,” Lacuna said. “She wanted you to remember her, but not where she was. But now time has passed and the peripheral magic is wearing off, so you have a notion. But she still may not show herself if you do locate her tree.”
“If I found the tree, I'd just go there and beg her to join me,” I said. “She'd have to listen.”
“And if she didn't,” Lacuna said wickedly, “you could threaten to chop down her tree.”
I felt as if a shaft had pierced my heart. “Oh, no, I could never do that! I could never hurt her. I love her!”
“I didn't say to do it,” she retorted. “I said to threaten to. To make her appear.”
“I couldn't even threaten her,” I said, still feeling pained.
“Very well, no threats,” Millie said decisively. “But you can at least try to locate the tree. Maybe she'll appear when you ask her to. She doesn't sound like a bad sort; indeed, I rather understand her attitude. If you locate her and apologize, perhaps she'll relent.” She focused on me, frowning. “But you have to understand that a dryad can't leave her tree, normally. She has to be in it or near it So if you want to be with Desiree, and if she's willing, you will have to stay there too.”
“I don't care where I am, so long as it's with her,” I said.
So we organized the search, and I rode Doofus southeast as far as he could go. The region began to look familiar.
I got excited, thinking my quest was going to be successful. But then came disaster. Something none of us had anticipated.
The dryad's tree was in a region of high magic. In fact it was not far from the Region of Madness, where there was so much magic that things went crazy. I discovered that the madness had expanded, or shifted, perhaps because of a change in the prevailing winds, and now the dryad's section of forest was within it. I knew better, but such was my desire for Desiree that I entered the fringe of madness, hoping to find her. Naturally I got hopelessly lost and fouled up. I encountered a limb-bow, which looked like a branch of a tree with ribbons. In fact all the branches of all the trees here were like ribbons tied into huge bows. They seemed harmless, until they started to untie themselves and reach for me; then I ran back the way I had come.
But I was lost; the more I ran, the less familiar things seemed. So I forced myself to pause, because I was after all no longer a child. I decided to grow an ear on a boulder, and an eye, so that I could inquire the way out and the eye could look in the proper direction. But to my horror I discovered that I could not grow either ear or eye; instead the rock formed a vile purple excrescence with waving green tentacles. What was the matter? This had never happened to me before.
Then I heard a voice. It sounded rather wooden, but this was after all a forest. I went toward it, and discovered a man standing under a chair, addressing an empty glade.
“Meeting will come to order,” he was saying firmly.
“Meeting will come to order.”
I didn't want to interrupt the meeting, but there just wasn't any meeting here. So I entered the glade and approached the man, hoping he could advise me on the best way out of here. Then I stopped so suddenly I almost fell on my face, for this was no ordinary man. He was not standing under a chair; his top was a chair. The chair was there instead of his head. I tried to back away.
But he saw me. “I told you to come to order,” he snapped, one of the rungs of his head making an emphatic pop as it snapped.
“Uh, sorry,” I said, hastily sitting on a stump. “Who are you?”
“I am the chairman, of course,” he said. “Now that you are here, the meeting is in session.”
“But I was only looking for the way out,” I said.
“The exit is that way,” he said, pointing. “Meeting adjourned.”
I got up and started in the direction, more than eager to get out. “Thank you.”
“Wait!” the chairman called. “Have you paid the stumpage fee?”
I paused, uncertain what would happen if I didn't. “The what?”
“You sat on a stump. There is a stumpage fee, of course.”
I didn't care to argue. What would a stump want?
Surely not anything human. I checked my pockets, and found a twig that must have snagged when I was charging heedlessly through the brush, and had broken off. I brought it out and tossed it toward the stump. “Here it is,” I said. Then I turned and ran out of the glade, and the chairman did not challenge me again.
But I was not yet out of the woods. I almost stumbled over another chair. But this was no ordinary chair; it was made out of human arms. “You must be related to the chairman,” I said, trying to edge around it.
“Of course I am,” it said. “I am going to attend the meeting.”
It occurred to me that it was odd to have such a chair talk. But of course the chairman had talked too, so it must be all right. “The meeting is in that glade behind me,” I said.
“Thank you.” The armchair wiggled the fingers on those of its arms that pointed down, and finger-walked toward the glade. But then it paused. “Are you by any chance trying to get out of here?” it asked.
“Yes,” I said. “How did you know?”
“No offense, but you are such a peculiar creature that I knew you didn't belong here. But since you were courteous enough to help me on my way, I will help you on yours. You will need to don a coat of arms in order to get out of here.”
“A coat of arms?” I asked blankly.
“Yes. It is hard to depart this region if you aren't suitably armed, and you have only two arms. There's a coat hanging behind you;, don that and you should be all right.”
I looked behind me, and almost leaped out of my shoes.
There was a mass of arms almost touching me.
But I realized that this was no ordinary situation. So I nerved myself, and took hold of the mass. The arms were linked, forming a clumsy kind of jacket. I put this on over my shoulders. It was heavy, but not uncomfortable.
“Thank you,” I told the armchair.
I moved on in the direction I hoped was out. But the brush and foliage closed in so thickly that it seemed impossible to proceed. Then my coat of arms began to react.
The arms writhed and reached out all around me, grabbing branches, nettles, thorns, spikes, and unidentified obstacles and pushing, bending, twisting, shoving, and hauling them out of my way. I walked forward, into the opening cleared in this fashion, and soon was beyond the otherwise impenetrable thicket.
“Thank you, coat of arms,” I said gratefully, glancing down. But now my coat was merely woven of sticks and twigs.
I was baffled for a moment, then realized what had happened: the coat had lost its special magic. That meant that I was out of the Region of Madness. The coat of arms had given up its animation to get me through.
I took it off, being careful not to damage anything. “I shall do for you what you did for me,” I said. “I shall return you to your environment.” Then I heaved it back the way I had come.
I saw it fall to the ground. But as it landed, it changed—to a mass of human legs. It was now a coat of legs. Maybe the wind had shifted inside the madness, bringing a different flavor of magic. One leg kicked up in what looked like a wave; then the coat ran on into the thicket.
So I had managed to win clear of the madness. But it was clear that I had been fortunate. I knew better than to enter it again. The mad things within it might not be as friendly next time.
So I could not reach Desiree. That grieved me, but I knew when I was beaten. With heavy heart I faced back toward home.
And so it remained for some time, as I was resigned to being a bachelor the rest of my life. Until my sister went to see the Good Magician Humfrey, and got retroactively married and with a family. She had become rather dowdy in her thirties, but now she was busy and happy. “Hi, I have a great idea!” she told me. “Why don't you go see the Good Magician and ask him how to find Desiree Dryad?”
“But he charges a year's service,�
� I protested. “It's an awful nuisance just to get in to see him. And his Answers are so cryptic you wish you hadn't bothered.”
“But he's always right,” she said.
She had a point. So I went to see Humfrey. It was indeed a nuisance getting in, and he didn't even give me an Answer. He just told me to go home and wait for my quest, which would serve in lieu of my year's service.
“What quest?” I asked.
“Surprise,” he said. And he would say no more. So here I wait, disgruntled and unsatisfied, waiting for the surprise.
I don't suppose you know what it could be?
“Surprise!” Surprise exclaimed, suddenly taking note of the discussion.
“That does seem to be the answer,” Gary said.
“The Good Magician told you to wait for your quest, and you thought he meant it would be a surprise. Instead it is this child, named Surprise, who is with us. I must tutor her as I pursue my own quest. So come with us, and we will try to unravel the Good Magician's mystery.”
Hiatus shook his head, bemused. “A child! This is a surprise. But it must be so.”
“And it must be that Desiree knows where to find the philter,” Iris said. “So we will help you find her, and she will help us find it. Meanwhile, we'll all help Surprise learn self-control, teaching her what is needful.”
“Needle!” the child cried, her eyes crossing. A slew or two of needles appeared, piling up on the floor in the shape of an evergreen tree. They smelled fresh, and trailed green threads.
“Yes dear, pine needles,” Iris said, carefully pulling some of them out of the hem of her skirt. “However, the word was 'needful,' not 'needle.' “
“Oh.” The needles disappeared.
“Why can't the child be tutored at home?” Hiatus asked.
“'Cause I'm out of control,” Surprise said happily. “So I get to go on a venture.”
“An adventure, yes,” Iris agreed warily. “Now perhaps we should be off, before someone gets bored.”
“Board!” Surprise exclaimed, and the boards of the board meeting appeared on the floor. On the back of one of them was printed the word EDUCATION, and on another board was ROOM AND. The others said CIRCUIT, ACROSS THE, and SURF. It seemed to be a convoluted discussion.
“Exactly,” Gary said. They had to keep things interesting, or the child would make them become so in her own fashion.
Hiatus, at first evincing astonishment, was starting to catch on. But he surely did not yet understand the whole of it, because all Surprise had done recently was conjure things. “Yes, let's go.”
“But I thought you would like to visit for a while,” Millie protested.
“We would,” Iris said. “But it's not S A F E.”
“Essay effee!”-Surprise cried, her eyes crossing. A scroll appeared, on which was written an essay consisting entirely of the word “EFFEE,” repeated endlessly.
Now Millie pursed her lips, appreciating the possible awkwardness of the child's continuing presence. “But if you really must be going—”
“We must,” Hiatus agreed.
They bundled out of the castle. They were now a party of four, and their adventure could not be delayed.
“I wouldn't think of complaining,” Iris remarked as they rode their beasts, “but I can't say I truly enjoy being on a zombie cameleopard. Some crossbreeds are weirder than others.”
“Crossbreed!” Surprise exclaimed. Suddenly she was a merchild, her tail making riding awkward. So she became a harpy chick, but her bird's legs weren't much of an improvement. So she became a reverse naga child, with the head of a snake and the legs of a human being. It seemed that her current talent was the ability to assume the form of any human crossbreed, real or imagined.
“I believe your regular form will prove to be more comfortable, dear,” Iris said mildly.
The child's regular form reappeared.
Gary agreed with Iris about the awkwardness of their steeds, but did not care to make an issue of it. After all, the Zombie Master was trying to be nice by providing them with transportation to the Region of Madness, so they wouldn't wear themselves out walking.
“Why not?” Hiatus inquired from his zombie unicorn. “They behave well, and they get the job done.”
“But they're a bit icky. I'm getting ick on the seat of my skirt. I wish we could dehydrate them a bit.”
“Dehydrate!” Surprise exclaimed from her zombie werecat steed, crossing her eyes. Suddenly the creature dried up. Unfortunately, since it was mostly made of viscous ick, this meant that it shriveled into bones and powder and became useless.
“Ixnay, dear,” Iris said quickly. Gary was impressed with her emotional control. She had not wanted to take care of a child, but was doing a fine job, considering the severe challenge of it. He had not wanted to associate with her, but was coming to realize that she was invaluable.
“It's not nice to dry up the zombies. They don't like it. You had better ride with me.” She hauled the little girl up on the cameleopard.
“But I saw that child do conjuring,” Hiatus said. “She can't be doing other magic.”
“Um, maybe best not to mention—” Gary started.
“Other magic!” Surprise exclaimed. She became a girlsized teddy bear.
“But that's Prince Dolph's talent of self-transformation,”
Hiatus said. “She can't do that!”
“Maybe you had better change back, dear,” Iris said gently. “You wouldn't want to get stuck in that form, now would you?” And the girl changed back.
“She can do surprising things,” Gary explained quietly. “We try not to encourage it, because—”
“Change something else?” Surprise inquired. She looked at a nearby pillow bush, and the pillows became stones and sank to the ground.
“But this can't be!” Hiatus protested in vain. “Nobody has multiple talents!”
“Nobody has controlled multiple talents,” Iris clarified.
“Surprise has uncontrolled talents. We need to make her learn how to bring them under control.”
Meanwhile, Surprise looked cross-eyed at the pillowstones, and they became invisible. Hiatus managed to control his gape, realizing that it was true. Surprise had wild talents.
“I've never seen anything like this,” Hiatus said. “Such varied talents! She's a little Sorceress.”
“Sorceress!” the child echoed. Her hair changed color and quality, matching Iris'.
After a bit. Hiatus recovered enough to explore the matter. “She does seem to have some control,” he said. “Surprise, can you cut any of that corn?” For they were now passing a field where corn, wheat, oats, and barley grew.
“I wouldn't—” Iris started.
“Sure!” Surprise cried, her eyes crossing. The entire field of plants fell flat; all of them had been invisibly cut down.
“You're a cereal killer,” Hiatus said, amazed anew.
“Can you even transform—”
“That's enough!” Iris cried, alarmed for excellent reason.
“Sure,” Surprise said. A bunny that was watching them abruptly turned to stone.
Hiatus, who wasn't strong mentally, opened his mouth to say more. But Gary cut in before him. “Can you muffle him?” he asked Surprise.
“Sure.” Her eyes crossed, and a muffler appeared on Hiatus' head, effectively silencing him. Then the child, bored, dropped off to sleep, in the manner only the young could manage.
Gary and Iris were finally able to relax somewhat.
“You know, I craved youth and adventure and romance,” Iris remarked. “I got the youth, and am getting the adventure, but not of precisely the type I had envisioned.”
“Romance?” Gary asked. “What's that?”
“That's when a boy and girl get together and find each other intriguing,” she said, sending him an intriguing glance.
Gary, however, being ignorant of the matter, let the glance fly right past him without effect. “I thought old married human folk didn't do any of tha
t.”
“True,” she said. “And my marriage to Magician Trent was political rather than romantic. He never loved me, he just wanted me under control, so he married me.” She frowned. “It was an effective tactic. We just barely managed to summon the stork that brought our daughter Irene.
I always knew I had missed something vital.”
“I know exactly how that is,” Hiatus said.
“So now that I'm young again, and on an adventure, I mean to make up for what I missed before. This is my significant opportunity.”
“But aren't you still married to Magician Trent?” Gary asked. “I mean, even if it isn't romantic, doesn't your kind disapprove of any other associations?”
“I married Trent when I was forty-one years old,” she said grimly. “Of course I made myself look like this.”
Suddenly she was clothed in illusion, and had the appearance of a splendidly curvaceous human woman of about thirty years' age, with a golden crown and gem-studded robe somewhat open in front to reveal the top halves of very full breasts.
Gary found the outfit interesting; he could identify the gems as striped diamonds, green rubies, blue emeralds, firewater opals, and other more exotic stones. “Fascinating,” he remarked, staring.
“Thank you,” Iris said, inhaling. The robe fell farther open. Unfortunately that caused the intriguing stones to be harder to see; there was too much dull flesh in the way.
“But now I am twenty-three, and in that sense won't be married for another eighteen years. I consider myself free to seek romance.” She darted another glance at him, but this one also missed its mark.
Then there was a swirl of smoke before them. “Anything interesting happening?” it inquired.
“Nothing at all, Mentia,” Gary said immediately.
“I can tell when you're fibbing, gargoyle,” the demoness said, assuming her usual shape.
“Demoness!” Surprise exclaimed, awakening, and turned into swirling smoke.
“Stop that!” Iris cried, distraught.
Even Mentia paused for a moment, her shape distorting as she forgot to focus. “You have a demon child?”
Surprise's smoke became a smaller replica of Mentia.
“Tee-hee!” she laughed.
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