by Jaden Wilkes
If he forced her to leave, she would have nothing. She would be nothing. She would have nowhere to go and never find another man like Dimitri. So why had she initiated the encounter? She thought it would be fun to share him with Nico, but he had directed it the other way. Why did she need to seek thrills to be content? She was so fucking impulsive at times, it seemed she wasn’t suited for this life. Her impulse control had gotten her into trouble on the street near the market, lucky for her it had been planned by Dimitri and Nico, but it still made it obvious she was the weak link here.
And the officer in McDonalds. She had stood there, dumb and struck silent by his accusations, Dimitri had been the one to save her.
She was going to bring him down if she stayed here. He would be fine without her, he would get used to her being gone, and part of her wanted to leave before he rejected her.
She shook her head and stared at herself in the mirror. She didn’t know where these crazy thoughts were coming from. Of course Dimitri wasn’t going to force her to leave, of course he loved her and she should believe him when he said he allowed it to happen for her own sake.
Still, the razor called to her. She thought maybe one little slash would help, one sharp, stinging reminder that she was still alive, that she was still somebody and she was still in control of her own fate. Some small release to alleviate this building stress, to exorcise the demon thoughts that threatened her very existence with Dimi.
She popped the straight blade out of the beautiful holder and touched it gently, with reverence. The thought of a small slash with beautiful blood welling out almost made her cry with relief. It had been months since she did anything like it, and she needed it more now than ever.
Her hand trembled as she held the razor blade over the white flesh of her inner arm. She paused, took a deep breath and almost dropped the blade. She hovered a few millimeters above her skin and, as if watching somebody else’s arm and hand, began to draw the edge across her arm.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Dimitri demanded behind her. She jumped and slashed, more of an accident than on purpose and containing no pleasure.
“I’m…” she stammered as blood started flowing from the wound in her arm. There was no way to explain herself out of this one, what could she say. “I…”
“I know what you’re doing, give me the fucking blade,” he said and held out his hand.
She gripped it tight, cutting the flesh of the hand holding it. Blood squeezed through her fingers, it poured out of her with alarming speed.
“I was…” her voice trailed off again. She had nothing to say.
“Give it here,” he replied, “I said give me the fucking blade.
She unfolded her fingers and held her hand out, palm up. The razor was in the centre, streaks of her blood forming beautiful patterns around it. He removed it carefully and placed it on the bathroom counter. “I needed…” she started to say. What could she say though? How could she explain it to him? His scars weren’t self-inflicted, and as much as they said they were the same in their damaged skin, they truly weren’t. Her scars were from years of practiced self-torture, years of the slow build up until the inevitable explosion of pain and blood. She needed the pain and blood to survive.
“I know what you needed,” he said in a surprisingly gentle voice. “I thought letting you fuck with Nico would be enough, I see now I was wrong.”
“You let me include him to help me?” she asked in disbelief.
“I could see something building in you, little dove,” he said and grabbed her wrist, “I could see this building in you and I knew it needed an escape. It needed out of your body before it took over. I had hoped letting you have sexual release would be enough...but clearly it wasn’t”
“Why did you let it happen? You said you would kill any man who tried to have me,” she said, “I thought I was your pet, your little dove. How could you let such a thing occur?”
“It was just sex, and something you needed” he replied. A puzzled look crossed his face and he continued, “Is this what’s been bothering you since then? Did you want me to strut and crow like a rooster because another man had tasted your cunt? Was I supposed to be jealous?”
She was confused by his apparent anger. “Yes,” she admitted, “I suppose you were supposed to be something. But you’ve been so cool with it, like it meant nothing.”
“Did you not enjoy it?” he asked.
“I did, it was hot…hotter than I expected,” she said.
“Then that is why I allowed it,” he replied, “and it did mean nothing. It was just sex, just fun.”
“Sex is sex, what do you mean just sex?” she asked. The blood was starting to snake down her arm and drip on the bathroom floor. She took a quick look at the drops hitting the white marble and was satisfied with the stark contrast of red on white.
“Sex is what we had that night with Nico,” he said and took a step towards her, “I shared you with my friend. I shared my pet, my toy, with him. Sex is not what we have, what we have together is something more. Can you not see that?”
“I know what we have is different, but you didn’t even fucking care that he came in my mouth, you weren’t moved by it one little bit,” she argued.
“I was moved, by the sounds you made when you were gagging on his cock…by the way you struggled against him but couldn’t move, by the way you looked when you had my cock in your ass and his face on your cunt. I was moved by all of that…but not to jealousy.”
“Then what?” she asked, “What did it do to you?”
“It made me realize how much I love you,” he replied and took her wrists in his hand. She didn’t struggle, she had learned long ago that he could hold her any way he wanted and she couldn’t get away. “It made me realize how different our sex is, how different it is from anything I’ve ever had.”
“That’s right,” she said with a sardonic laugh, “you and all your whores.”
“Yes,” he replied in a calm, even voice, “all my whores have taught me how special you are. I forget sometimes that you are so naïve when it comes to sex. You haven’t had any lovers. Your only initiation to sex was that fucking monster who almost broke you.”
“You do have more experience than I do, but I still don’t see how sex can be two different things, it makes no sense. Sex is sex and I thought I wanted the other night, but now I don’t know why. I know things changed and you took it in a different direction than I had planned…but did I want it for fun, or was I hoping to see your jealous side?”
“You will rarely see my jealous side,” he said, “I am possessive, you are mine and mine alone, but jealousy seems…like I am worried you will leave. I am not worried you will leave, because we are nothing without each other. You will never leave me, and I will never leave you.”
“I’m so confused,” she said and felt tears stinging her eyes, “I don’t know what I want anymore and I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I don’t even know why I did this.” She pulled away and showed him the wound on her arm, the blood was becoming viscous and dark, but the slash was still visible.
“I know why you did it,” he said quietly, “you did it because I took away your only means of dealing with your anxiety, and I gave you nothing in return. I thought sex would take care of it, but obviously you need more. You need something to channel your poisonous thoughts or else they will destroy you.” He held her arm in his hands and leaned down to the fresh wound. He slid his tongue through her blood and moved up to kiss her lips. She could taste her blood on his tongue, salty and thick.
He pushed her back and pulled her hands up, over her head, “If you don’t know the difference between our time with Nico and the time we have together, then I’ve underestimated you,” he told her as he pushed her against the bathroom wall. The bright lights shone against the cold, sterile, all-white interior, a sharp contrast to the building heat she could feel radiating off his body. He held her there, his knee separating her legs and his face inc
hes from hers. He said, “But I haven’t underestimated you, I know you can sense the difference and understand why I feel no need to express my jealousy. I am not jealous because you are mine…as I am not jealous for the night sky taking the sun, or the clouds from hiding the moon…I know in my heart, in my head, and in my soul that you are mine and I do not need to prove it. I am not some young stallion who has to fight for dominance in his herd. I am the dominant one, as surely as the sun will return and the moon will shine again, you are mine and mine alone. Don’t you ever forget that.”
He exhaled the last statement against her ear, his breath hot and steady, making her shiver as he said it. She leaned her head back, exposing her neck to him and said, “I’m sorry, Dimi. I don’t know what came over me. I make things so big in my head, the stupid part of me takes over and I let it happen. I’ll try harder from now on.”
“I know you will,” he said and nipped her neck, the skin above her collarbone. “I know you will do your best to please me. It’s in your nature, as I will do my best to please you. And for now, nothing would please me more than finding a way for you to let go of your anxieties and stress without hurting your beautiful body. You need to talk to me when you feel this way, let me help you. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me”
“I know,” she sighed, “I know this, but I am still so stupid sometimes.”
“You are not a stupid woman,” he replied and let his tongue slide out along her neck. He circled up to her ear and took the lobe in between his teeth. He applied light pressure and sucked slowly. Her anxiety levels dropped at this small contact and his reassurance that he was in this for the long run. “You are far from stupid, and that is the problem. If you were a stupid woman, you wouldn’t have so many thoughts racing through your head, day in and day out. If you were stupid, I could play with you, and fuck you, and share you, and not feel for you. I would feel nothing for you if you were stupid.”
“You couldn’t love a stupid woman?” she asked and gave a small laugh. She agreed though, she didn’t think she could love a stupid man. She needed stimulation from all directions.
“I could not,” he replied and brought his mouth close to hers, “and I love you…therefore you are not stupid. Point proven.” He moved his lips to hers and kissed her. It started out soft and sweet, almost hesitant, as though finding herself with the razor blade had unsettled him more than he let on. He picked up passion as he went, becoming his old self within moments…his fierce and hungry kisses covered her mouth and left her breathless.
He kept one hand on her wrists above her head and brought one to her neck. He wrapped his hand around her throat and asked, “Is this just sex to you?” with his lips pressed against hers. He squeezed his fingers and she felt everything rush from her body as she relaxed against his strong grip.
She shook her head and whispered, “No,” as he kissed her again. He released her wrists and she brought her hands down to rest on his chest as they continued to explore each other’s mouths.
He pulled back abruptly and pushed her back using the hand on her throat. “Does this feel like just sex?” he asked and tore her shirt open with one swift move. Her breasts were exposed and he fell on them, sucking and biting each one in quick succession, back and forth until her head was spinning. She put her hands on his head and closed her eyes. She found comfort in the familiarity of his shaved skin and the shape of the skull underneath. He loosened his hand, dropped further and nipped her abdomen until he was on his knees in front of her.
“You didn’t answer me,” he said, his words echoed in the large room, “Does any of this feel like just sex to you? You know I am going to touch you, suck your clit with my mouth and fuck your cunt with my fingers. You know this act is going to happen. From a physical point of view, you know what will happen and it will feel good.” He moved towards her mound and pushed her legs further apart with his hand. He dipped his head and stabbed her slit with his tongue, sliding it between her lips and finding her clit immediately.
She gasped and held onto his head and moaned, “No, this isn’t just sex…this is…” Her words trailed off, she was unable to form a coherent thought to finish her sentence, to defend her opinion and she no longer cared. She understood where he was coming from, and her petty need to make him jealous seemed immature and selfish. She could feel his desire coursing through his body, from the feel of his skin under her fingers, to the skilled ways he tackled her clit, he was an expert at making her feel good. It wasn’t just the mechanics of it, as he had suggested, but she finally realized it was their connection that made this so good. It was their love that made it more than just sex.
He kissed her pussy one final time and pulled away. She hadn’t had a chance to finish, but she didn’t want to just yet. She had a feeling this was going to build into something intense, so she could wait. “His face was on your cunt when I was inside you,” he said as he stood and pulled her against him, “what did you feel? Did you enjoy it? Did it make you feel powerful, having two men service you, my little queen?” He reached down and shoved her bloody hand along her abdomen, leaving a swath of red in its stead. He circled his finger through it, leaving bloody trails along her skin…marking her.
She didn’t know what he wanted her to do and she didn’t know what he wanted her to say, but she thought at this point the truth was best. “Yes,” she hissed, almost ashamed to admit it to him. To admit that it was powerfully intense to have two men worship her like that…it made her take stock of everything she ever thought about her sexuality. “I liked it, very much.”
“What did you like about it?” he asked, turning her around to face the wall. He ran his hands down the front of her, playing with her breasts and ending up with a hand back on her throat. “What made it so hot?” he questioned again in her ear.
“Being the centre of the universe,” she said and leaned against him. She twisted slightly, trying to look at him, but his hand kept her tightly in place. “I liked both of you working on me, giving me attention, I liked feeling adored.”
“Adoration and power, those two elements helped you come?” he asked and thrust against her. His cock was already hard; she could feel it against her, threatening her with its urgency. His fingers found her mouth and she couldn’t speak as he explored her forcefully. She sucked and bit them, but he commanded her with his hand. She could taste her blood on them.
When he withdrew she said, “Yes, ok? I liked feeling powerful. I liked being worshipped. I wanted both of you to want me so bad you would fight over me just to get a taste of me. Is that what you want to hear?” Her shame gave her voice a brittle edge to it that she didn’t like. She didn’t like much of what was happening right now, but she had no control over the situation.
“That is exactly what I wanted to hear,” he said in her ear. His own voice was heavy with his focused desire. “I wanted you to admit that sex with the both of us was about power, an exchange of power. Do you understand that?”
“Yes,” she whimpered against his hand that had found her mouth again. He spun her around to face him and she looked up into his eyes. His beautiful, shining eyes. He wanted her, wanted to fuck her and wanted to love her. She was struck with the realization that this was powerful; this was where her power would lie. Not in feeling adored or worshipped during a mechanical act of sex, but in staring into Dimitri’s eyes and finding freedom there. She finally understood what he was getting at.
“I think you are getting it,” he replied and kissed her again, tender and urgent at the same time. A juxtaposition of sorts, his love and his need in equal balance. “What we do is not about power, it’s about empowerment. Do you understand this?”
“I do,” she replied and he kissed the top of her head.
“We bring power and acceptance to each other, through our love and our sex. What we did with Nico is no different than…say…the three of us training with each other. It was physical, and entertaining, but it was just sex, little dove. Every time I’ve fucked anothe
r human being until I met you…it was just sex. With you it is so much more, and I need you to understand the difference.”
She did get it, he was right…their exchange was not about feeling like one had power over the other, even when he had her tied up or was using the crop on her. It wasn’t about his power over her…it was more about them taking each other to new heights of fulfillment and acceptance.
In fucking Dimitri, she had found her home. In being with him, in worshipping and in turn being worshipped by him, she had found acceptance.
“I understand now,” she said and felt relief at letting go of her childish hang-ups and immature ideas of how a man should prove his love. Sex was not proving anything, but his constant and unwavering support proved to her that he should never be jealous…ever again.
“I know you do,” he said and lifted her in his arms. The blood had dried, but it still ached where her slash was now forming a new scar. Her last, she swore to herself.
She clung to him, feeling shaky and reborn after expelling her anger and confusion. Her arm and palm ached, a reminder that she wasn’t so perfect though, that there would be times to come that would make her slip back into her old patterns of behaviour. With Dimitri in her corner, she truly believed she could handle them.
He took her to their bed and set her down carefully, as if she were made of spun glass and might fracture. She didn’t like being treated as though she was helpless, but she loved him for his care. “You are mine,” he said again and helped her out of the rest of her clothes. “I am yours,” he added and took off his own. Columbia sat on the edge of the bed and watched him strip, exposing his magnificent body…the body that brought her so much comfort and gratification.
He kneeled between her legs and stroked her thighs. She was soaking wet by the time he reached her slit with his thumb. She threw her head back and grabbed his shoulders, overjoyed by the sensations coursing through her body. “Dimi,” she said.