by Susan Lewis
From there it seemed to happen in a terrible slow motion: Ben swung upside down, his leg slipped from Matt’s grasp, and as Justine gasped in horror his head slammed with sickening force into the concrete below.
Present Day—Culver, Indiana
“Mummy,” Lula said quietly.
“Yes?” Justine answered.
Lula didn’t look up, simply carried on crayoning at the kitchen table, her little head propped on one hand while the other made careful circles on the page so she didn’t go outside the lines.
“Do you have something to ask me?” Justine clicked on her laptop to buy a new winter coat and snow boots for Lula from the OshKosh B’gosh online store. If they didn’t fit she could always send them back, or perhaps she’d venture over to Plymouth or South Bend on a shopping trip one day soon.
It was odd how she was finding it difficult to leave Culver.
Perhaps not odd, more understandable, considering how safe she felt here. What was odd, she’d decided, was knowing she was surrounded by people who had guns and yet she still felt safe.
Actually, she knew most of her new friends and neighbors owned firearms, though Sallie Jo had already told her that she didn’t, nor did David, nor any of their immediate circle.
“There are a lot of us anti-guns around here,” Sallie Jo had said, “but it’s not a battle we’re going to win in this county, or even this state, so for a peaceful life it’s a subject best not raised too often.”
“Anyways, it’s mostly farmers and hunters who use them around these parts,” David had added, “and I guess none of us really has a problem with that.”
Justine supposed she didn’t either, since the situation was much the same in rural England: farmers and hunters had guns, although only with permits, and no one was ever allowed to carry one about in public. She wasn’t sure if it was allowed here; she’d never spotted anyone with one, apart from the police of course, and even that seemed excessive to her, considering how tranquil the place was.
Chippingly had been every bit as tranquil. She’d felt safe there, until suddenly she wasn’t anymore.
“Mummy?” Lula said again.
“Ye-es?”
“When are we going home?”
Justine’s heart thudded. Where had that come from? She hadn’t asked it before, not even when she wanted to speak to Matt, or Rob. “We are home, sweetheart,” she said, almost dismissively so as not to make a big deal of it.
“No, I mean our proper home with Daddy and Abby and Ben.”
With a dry mouth and wretched heart Justine got up from the table and went to busy herself at the sink. How was she going to answer the question? Why hadn’t she prepared herself for it, when common sense alone should have told her it was coming? Except not now. Last year, maybe, even just after they’d arrived here, but coming out of the blue like this when Lula hadn’t mentioned Abby or Ben in such an outright way in months…
A torch beam flitting about in the woods suddenly caught her eye. She guessed it was Billy Jakes looking for rabbits. He was always out around this time of night. Thankfully he never came close to the house, even if there were rabbits on the lawn, and she’d yet to hear him fire a gun, so she guessed he must use traps. She didn’t approve of those much either, but the last thing she was about to do was launch herself off on some kind of moral crusade.
People in glass houses…
“Mummy, you didn’t answer my question.”
Justine carried on tidying the sink. More than anything in the world she longed to give her precious girl exactly what she wanted, but she couldn’t. There was no home there anymore. Matt, Abby and Ben had gone, just as she and Lula had, although in a different direction.
“I want to go home,” Lula whispered.
So do I, Justine didn’t dare to say. She didn’t even want to think it. They were at home here, and this was where they were going to stay.
How was she going to communicate that to Lula in a way that made sense and wouldn’t upset her? And again she had to wonder why Lula was asking now, when it had been more than a year since they’d been together as a family. She’d felt sure Lula would forget. Lula had been only two when she’d gone to Rob and Maggie, and it seemed incredible that she still remembered her first home.
Justine wondered what her memories were, but she didn’t dare to ask. If she did, it would bring them to life, and that wasn’t going to help either of them.
“Why won’t you answer me, Mummy?” Lula asked worriedly.
Going to her, Justine lifted her up and held her tight. “We can’t go back there, sweetheart,” she murmured.
“But why?”
“Because this is our home now. We belong here with Sallie Jo and Hazel. You like being with them, don’t you?”
Lula didn’t answer.
“Don’t you?” Justine pressed, sitting her back so she could look into her eyes.
Lula nodded. After a while she said, “Hazel’s my best friend.”
“I know she is. Is it nice having a best friend?”
Again Lula nodded. “She’s nearly five,” she said. “Older than me, but not as old as Abby and Ben.”
“No, she’s much closer to your age. And there are all the other children at day care too. You didn’t know many children your age before, did you?”
Lula shook her head. Her sky-blue eyes were avidly searching her mother’s. “I like it here,” she suddenly said, and circled her arms round Justine’s neck.
Knowing she was saying it to make her mother feel better just about broke Justine’s heart. “That’s good,” she said softly, “because I like it here too. And the best thing is that we have each other, so we can go exploring together, and find a lovely house for us to buy.”
“Can’t we stay in this one?”
She needed some sort of stability, to know that things weren’t going to keep changing, people weren’t going to keep leaving.
“For a little while, yes,” Justine said, “but not forever, because it belongs to Mr. and Mrs. Stahl, our landlords. Do you remember, I told you about them?”
Whether Lula did or didn’t remember wasn’t clear as she laid her head on Justine’s shoulder and wound a finger in her hair.
This was too hard. It was at moments like this that she started to doubt her ability to cope. “Once we’ve bought a house it’ll be all ours,” she said cheeringly, “and we won’t ever have to move again.” Had she said the right thing? Was that really a promise she could keep?
Lula yawned and snuggled in more tightly.
“Time for a tired girl to go to bed.” Justine smiled. Carrying her through to her bedroom she began helping her to undress. The room was almost entirely pink, with stars and angels and butterflies dangling from the ceiling and sparkling net drapes over the bed. It was so similar to the room Abby had had until she was ten, when Matt had helped her to redecorate to her own design, that it was all too easy for Justine to forget where she really was.
Don’t think about Abby.
After bathtime Justine read Lula a story. Her favorite at the moment, because it was Hazel’s, was The Runaway Pumpkin, but Justine didn’t get any further than the first page before Lula was fast asleep.
Kneeling next to her, Justine smoothed a hand gently over her honey-colored curls, smiling through tears at the way she was cupping her adorably innocent face in her hands. She was like a little cherub who knew no wrong, had no understanding of what wrong really meant beyond arguing back to Mummy or putting her dress on inside out. She did both often enough, but there was a sweetness to her soul and a very real gentleness in her heart that made her want to be good. Whether she would always be that way, Justine had no idea; she only knew that she’d be a fool to take anything for granted.
“You will forget,” she whispered, “I promise.”
As a wave of unbearable emotion surged in her heart she got quietly to her feet, and leaving the door slightly ajar she returned to the kitchen.
It was gone midnight in
London, too late to call Rob, but she dialed the number anyway and after a handful of rings her sister-in-law’s voice came down the line.
“Maggie, I’m sorry, it’s me,” Justine said. “Did I wake you?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Maggie assured her. “Rob’s away for a couple of days, but how are you? Is everything OK?”
“Yes, it’s fine. I just…I just…” She was starting to lose it, couldn’t form her words.
“Take a breath,” Maggie urged gently.
Doing as she was told, Justine got herself back in control and finally managed to say, “Lula was asking about…She still remembers them…I mean, I knew that, but she wants to see them.”
Sounding worried, Maggie said, “What did you tell her?”
“I managed to get round it, sort of. Maggie, it’s like she knows it upsets me to mention them, so she doesn’t really want to do it…It’s awful. I feel so bad.”
“Where is she now?”
“Asleep. I’m sorry, I just needed to talk to you or Rob.”
“You know we’re always here.”
“Thank you.” After taking another breath she said, “I’ve decided to get her a dog. I know she misses Rosie, so I thought it might be a good idea.”
“I think it is too.”
“David told me about a Coton de Tulear not far from here that needs a home. She’s only a few months old, apparently.”
“Are they little white fluffy things, like bichons?”
“That’s right.”
“Then she’d be perfect. Can I ask who David is?”
“The local news editor,” and so Maggie wouldn’t read any more into it she added, “He’s a good friend of Sallie Jo’s.”
“I see. How is Sallie Jo?”
“She’s fine. Quite busy at the moment, so I haven’t seen much of her.”
Maggie said, “You mentioned in your last email that you were going to look for your grandmother’s house.”
“Yes, I thought I might, but I’m not sure if it’s such a good idea. David wants to write about it in the paper.”
Immediately realizing the problem, Maggie said, “And there’s an online edition? Of course, there always is these days. Can’t you just say you’d rather keep it a private affair?”
“I guess so, although he’ll probably find it odd. Anyway, there’s another issue with it, which is the way some people have reacted to my grandmother’s name, and when you add to it the fact that my mother won’t talk about her…Frankly, I really don’t have the heart to deal with any more scandal, or disgrace, or shunning, whatever might be lying in wait.”
“No, of course not,” Maggie sympathized, “but these issues, if there are any, would be from a long time ago. It wouldn’t be the same. I mean, they surely couldn’t hurt you now, after all these years.”
Sometimes it was hard to think of anything that wouldn’t hurt her. “No, I suppose not,” Justine agreed.
“What about a job?” Maggie probed gently after a while. “Any progress on that front?”
“Not exactly, but there are a few empty shops in town. I’ve been trying to imagine what I might do with one of them, apart from turning it into a deli.”
“You did very well with the last one.”
“I can’t go there again.”
Maggie’s silence conveyed her understanding. “Tell me,” she said softly, “have you been in touch with Matt?”
Justine swallowed hard, but the tightness in her throat, her heart, didn’t move, only lodged more deeply. “No,” she answered. “Have you?”
“Rob went to see him a couple of days ago.”
By now Justine was finding it hard to breathe. “How—how was he?” she managed to ask.
“Fine, I think. Or as well as could be expected. He’s still in the same place.”
“Of course.”
“You should be in touch with him. Rob thinks so too.”
“What does Matt think?”
“I don’t know, but the two of you having no contact…” She went no further. Justine knew she didn’t like to criticize, but it was clear she didn’t agree with the decision.
“I’m starting to question it myself,” Justine admitted. “Sometimes I feel so desperate to speak to him that it’s like I’m going out of my mind, but I’m afraid that if I do, it’ll just make things worse.”
“It’s very hard to know what to do for the best,” Maggie conceded. “I wish I could advise you better.”
“You’re there for me, and you have been throughout,” Justine reminded her. “That’s what really matters.”
After a pause, Maggie said, “Do you still feel Culver’s the right place?”
“Insofar as anywhere is right, yes, I guess I do. I kind of have roots here, tenuous though they might be, but they seem to help. And it’s very pretty; the lake has a special quality that I know Matt would find as fascinating as I do.” Her voice faltered as she added, “It feels strange to say that, when he was so against me coming.”
Clearly connecting with the despair in Justine’s heart, Maggie said, very gently, “Be in touch with him. I think he needs it. I think you both do.”
Justine didn’t argue; she was too close to tears. How wonderful it was to hear Maggie speak the words she so longed to act on, even if she wasn’t going to.
They’d known this initial period was never going to be easy, but it had to be got through.
“I should let you get some sleep,” she told Maggie. “Thanks for the chat. I needed to hear your voice.”
“It was good to hear yours too. I’ll tell Rob you rang. I’m sure he’ll call at the weekend.”
After ringing off, Justine went to pour herself a glass of wine. It was her first tonight, which was good, since she was often on her third or fourth by now. It didn’t help, not even with sleeping, so she had no idea why she did it. A kind of Pavlov’s dog reaction, she supposed. When something goes wrong, reach for the bottle.
Maybe she was already an alcoholic, and she just hadn’t realized it yet.
—
By the following evening both she and Lula were in much better spirits. Hazel was with them, and was staying until Sallie Jo returned from a meeting in Plymouth around seven. And, biggest boost of all, David was due to turn up at any minute with the new puppy. Justine hadn’t meant him to go and collect it for them. When she’d called to say they wanted the dog she’d fully intended to go and fetch it herself, but he had insisted.
“Delong isn’t far,” he’d said, “and I’m going to be over that way later anyways, so I’ll call to let you know when I’m on my way back.”
To have refused the kindness would have seemed horribly ungrateful, perhaps even hurtful, so after quickly confirming that the only reason the current owners were letting the dog go was because their son had developed an allergy, she’d thanked him and gone to break the news to Lula.
The last time she’d seen so much excitement was the day Matt had brought Rosie home for Abby and Ben.
Rosie. Oh dear God. Rosie, the retriever who’d ended up attaching herself so loyally to Lula that Justine couldn’t understand now why she’d waited so long to get another dog. At least that was something she could do for Lula to make her feel happy and more settled.
“We’ve got a name for her,” Lula cried, dashing across the porch into the kitchen. “It’s a really good name. Hazel helped me choose it.”
Crossing her fingers that it wasn’t going to be Rosie, Justine said, “OK, let’s hear it.”
“Daisy!” Lula announced proudly.
Justine’s eyes widened. Not bad. In fact, she could think of lots worse, and not many better. Actually, none better.
“It’s a flower, like Rosie,” Lula explained, “but a different one because it’s a different dog.”
“He’s here! David’s here,” Hazel squealed from outside.
Following Lula’s dash out to the porch, Justine watched the girls race to David’s car as he drove into the front yard, beside them
selves with eagerness to get their first glimpse of his precious cargo.
Bringing a small cardboard box out to the lawn, David set it down gently, and Justine clasped her hands to her face as the most adorable bundle of white fur with two huge black eyes and a little button of a black nose poked her head out to say hello.
“Oh Mummy! Mummy!” Lula gasped, not quite knowing what to do.
“Do you want to hold her?” David offered, lifting her up in one hand. “She’s yours now.”
Lula immediately put out her hands, and to her astonishment and delight the little dog leapt onto her shoulder.
“Look, Mummy, look!” Lula cried, turning round for Justine to see. “She’s licking me.”
“She certainly is,” Justine laughed. “She’s absolutely gorgeous,” she said to David.
“And more or less house-trained,” he gladly informed her. “They gave me food, a leash, bowls, a bed, and some toys,” he added, going to fetch them from the trunk.
“We got all that today, didn’t we, Mum?” Lula said, doing her best to hold on to a wriggling Daisy.
“It won’t hurt to have more,” Justine assured her. “Why don’t you let Hazel hold her now.”
Clearly anxious not to leave her friend out, Lula immediately handed the puppy over, and both girls started to giggle as Daisy treated Hazel to a healthy licking too.
“She’s had all her vaccines?” Justine checked with David.
“Certificates are here, so you’ll see you’re free to take her anywhere and everywhere just as soon as you like.”
“I have a feeling that’s exactly how it’s going to be, anywhere and everywhere.” Justine smiled, watching Daisy bounding about the grass and wondering if she’d ever seen anything cuter. “Would you like a drink?” she asked David as he set the dog’s belongings down on the porch.