by D J Small
Most of the time, Eliza just felt sadness for the victims, and disgust that their lives had been wasted. The two emotions drove her to get justice for those that were murdered, but her feelings about this victim didn’t stop there. This one bothered her, for several reasons.
Eliza let her head fall back against the headrest. She couldn’t bring herself to go in. Rolling her head to the right, she stared at the manila folder sitting on the passenger seat, and her mind instantly summoned images of the small apartment she had left two hours ago. The folder only contained pictures of the victim, but just thinking about the young man’s face took her back to the scene. She reached for the folder and opened the cover.
His face was full of a youthful innocence that hadn’t been jaded by adulthood yet. Eliza stared at the picture, taking in how young he looked and thinking about the tragedy that had occurred. She closed the folder and drew in a deep breath before getting out of the car, taking the folder with her.
Each step Eliza took towards the brownstone required great effort. A small part of her wanted to turn around and leave so she wouldn’t have to have this conversation with Dax, but it had to be done. She had requested to be the one to talk to him, not because she felt like she owed it to him, but due to the feeling in her gut that told her this would be the news to break him. The feeling was also accompanied by a quiet voice in her mind telling her that he would need her.
When the path ended at the bottom of the steps that led up to the front porch, Eliza’s stomach churned. She didn’t want to analyze the reason why she was having such a difficult time mentally preparing herself for the conversation ahead. If she did, her thoughts would only add to the discomfort and trepidation eating away at her.
Eliza inhaled a deep breath through her nose and climbed the stairs, then crossed the front porch and stopped in front of the door. Sweat moistened the palm of her hand, and she shook it out at her side before curling her fingers inward to make a fist. It took her a moment to raise it so she could knock on the door, and when she did, she noticed a slight tremor to her hand. Ignoring it, she gave the door two quick knocks.
Eliza showed her badge to the camera, hoping the officer looking at it wouldn’t notice the way her hand shook imperceptibly. The door opened, and Officer Lin smiled at her. “Detective, you’re back.”
Eliza entered and gave him a brief nod. “Is Dax still up?”
Officer Lin nodded. “Yeah. He went up about twenty minutes ago to get ready for bed.” He stared at her with a scrutinizing gaze. “Is something wrong?”
Eliza looked at the stairs that led up to the second floor and bit her lip. A lot of things were wrong, and they were out of her control, but Officer Lin was not. She turned to look at him. “I’m going to relieve you for the night. Contact dispatch and let them know.”
Uneasiness flashed in his eyes for a moment, but then he gave her another quick nod. “Okay. Thank you, Detective.”
Eliza gave him a pained smile. She wasn’t letting him go because she was trying to be nice, she was doing it for Dax. He and Officer Lin seemed to have developed a friendship, and Eliza was certain Dax wouldn’t want him witnessing whatever happened once she had told him the news.
After he put on his coat, Officer Lin left the house, and Eliza locked the door behind him. She did a quick sweep of the ground floor, checking the windows and doors to make sure they were locked, then she headed upstairs and did a similar check of the rooms on the second and third floors before making her way to the master bedroom.
The door to the room was wide open, and as she approached it, her stomach knotted up. Dax was nowhere to be found when she reached the doorway.
“Dax?” she called out, confused as to where he could have gone.
A door opposite the one for the bedroom opened, and Dax came out of the adjoining bathroom, tucking a corner of the towel wrapped around his waist behind the rest of the thick fabric. Eliza noticed the two scars that outlined his defined pectoral muscles this time. They were darker than the rest of his rich, dark brown skin, but the shape of his muscles made the scars appear as though they were shadows underneath them.
Of their own volition, Eliza’s eyes made a careful survey of Dax’s body, and she couldn’t deny it was impressive. He had defined muscles, but they weren’t bulky like he spent every day lifting weights. Instead, they were lean, as if he only worked out to maintain his current physique and keep an acceptable aesthetic. His toned abs hinted at the possibility of a six-pack, but Eliza couldn’t tell in the low lighting that came from the lamp sitting in the corner of the room.
Once her study had reached the top of the towel, her eyes traveled back up his body. When they got to his face, a wide, tooth-filled smile greeted her. “Detective, what a pleasant surprise.”
Eliza felt an intense burning sensation on her face. She had blatantly checked out Dax, and to make the situation even worse, he had caught her. This was the worst time for her to develop a wandering eye, and the fact she had ogled him so openly made her embarrassment worsen. She did everything in her power to get the temperature of her body to go down, but the heat of embarrassment still covered her.
Dax chuckled. “I know I have said this before, but it bears repeating; you are beautiful when you blush.”
Eliza narrowed her eyes when the reaction intensified. “You are not funny. Wipe that smile off your face.”
Dax continued to smile. “What are you doing back so soon? Come to continue our conversation?”
It took Eliza a moment to respond—she was too busy chastising herself for checking Dax out, and mentally swearing at her body for having such an inappropriate response to seeing him fresh out of the shower. She had bad news to deliver, and she didn’t want to go into the conversation with unseemly thoughts. Eventually, Eliza cleared her throat. “I wanted to go over something with you.”
“Oh? What for?”
Without her permission, Eliza’s eyes roamed over Dax’s exposed upper body for a second time, and when she reached his face, the knowing expression on it told her he had caught her. Again. Eliza swore under her breath, then quickly said, “We can talk about it once you’re dressed.”
Dax’s smile transformed into a tempting grin. “Or we could continue this discussion just as we are, since you seem to be enjoying yourself.”
“I am not enjoying myself,” Eliza snapped, but her argument was in vain—he’d already caught her twice.
Dax chuckled. “Of course not, Detective. My mistake.” He moved to the end of the bed where his suitcase laid on top of a nearby chest. “If you’ll allow me to get dressed, I will meet you downstairs.” He grinned at her and added, “Unless you haven’t had your fill of me yet?”
Another wave of embarrassment came over Eliza, and she mumbled, “I’ll see you downstairs.”
She hurried out of the room, giving her hormones a stern talking-to about how unprofessional and inappropriate it was for her to check out someone that was under her protective custody. Eliza may have wanted to maintain her delusion of not being attracted to Dax, but her body obviously had other things in mind.
As she reached the first floor, she shuddered. No, there was no way she would allow her hormones or the physical response she had to Dax cause her to do something she may regret.
Eliza snorted to herself. Who was she kidding? She would definitely regret it.
After getting a glass of water from the kitchen, Eliza went into the den. She turned on the fireplace, sat down on the couch, and waited for Dax. The moment she started thinking about what she needed to tell him, her nerves came back in full force, making her stomach churn. She counted down the minutes and thought about how she would break the news, glancing at the manila folder laying in the empty spot beside her. The pictures were a good start, but they could also derail the conversation. Eliza sighed and picked up her glass of water, gulping half of it down.
“Detective Legs, where are you?”
“In the den,” Eliza replied after clearing her throa
t.
The sound of Dax walking to the back of the house echoed in the hall, then his lean body appeared in the doorway, and there was a grin on his face. He entered the room and held out his arms. “All dressed.”
Eliza attempted to smile. “So I see.”
Dax sat down on the other end of the couch. “Are you okay? You seem kind of cagey. If I made you uncomfortable upstairs, I’m sorry. I’m trying to dial it back with you, but it’s kind of hard. You’re adorable when you’re all hot and bothered.”
Doing her best to keep her face impassive, Eliza mentally groaned. Of course Dax would show his sweet side now. She gave her head a brief shake. “No, um...upstairs is what it is. I shouldn’t have been...” No suitable words came to her. The only one that did was ‘inappropriate’, and she had been several shades past that.
Dax grinned and remarked, “Detective, trust me when I say you have nothing to apologize for. In fact, I enjoy being scrutinized by your beautiful eyes.”
The seductive glint shining in his eyes made Eliza get off the couch, and she started to pace in front of it. “Dax, you have to stop.” She stopped and looked at him. “What I have to tell you, it...it isn’t easy.”
He scooted to the edge of the couch and reached out to take hold of her hand. “Eliza, what’s happened? Is this about the call you got earlier?”
Eliza dropped her eyes to their hands. No matter what she thought about Dax’s profession and his sometimes-irritating personality, he truly was a vulnerable and sensitive guy. She gave his hand a gentle squeeze, then moved the folder out of the spot next to Dax and sat down close to him, angling herself so that she could keep hold of his hand and face him better.
She drew in a deep breath. “It is.” There was only one way for her to do this.
“Another sex worker was killed. His name is Andre Gordon.”
Dax tensed, and the response told Eliza what she already knew.
“The crime scene investigators believe he was killed by strangulation. Nothing was stolen from his apartment, and there were no notes left either. We took his client and appointment books, and Billy is going through them right now to see if there is anything in them that will give us an answer.”
Emotion tightened Eliza’s throat when tears began to shimmer in Dax’s eyes. “Did you know him?” she asked softly.
Dax’s Adam’s apple moved up and down several times as he swallowed. He nodded.
Eliza covered their hands with her free one. Had the situation been a normal one, she would have said contrived words to help him get through whatever he was feeling in order to get the answers she needed, but this wasn’t a normal situation. Eliza had feelings for Dax, and her normal manufactured responses weren’t going to work here. They would fall short, and probably do more harm than good. Instead of struggling to find the right words to say, Eliza merely held Dax’s hand and waited until he was ready to speak.
When Dax squeezed her hand some time later, Eliza moved her gaze from staring at their hands to his face. The silent tear rolling down his cheek tore her heart into pieces.
He freed his hand from hers and asked, “What’s in the folder?”
Eliza reached for it and said, “Pictures of Andre. I thought I would need them to make sure we identified him correctly.”
Dax took the folder and opened it. He stared down at the picture of Andre’s smiling face, and another tear made its way down his cheek. “You did,” Dax said, his voice strained with emotion and unshed tears. “Did they—” He sniffed and swallowed a few times. “Did they treat him properly?”
The question puzzled Eliza for a moment, but then she caught on to what he meant. She nodded. “Yes, I made sure he was treated with respect. All of our reports list him as the proper gender.”
“Good,” Dax said softly. He drew in a deep breath and ran his fingers over the picture of Andre. “He was my little brother.”
Eliza drew in a sharp breath, and Dax shook his head and looked at her.
“Not biologically, but in a one-street-kid-to-another kind of way. I met him at the queer youth shelter I volunteer at years ago. He was giving the staff all sorts of trouble. Not doing his homework, getting in trouble with the cops, doing drugs.” Dax chuckled. “He was a nightmare, but at the time he was thirteen and in and out of foster care. Turns out his behavior was due to no one listening to him when he said he wasn’t a girl. Having been down that road and then some, I took him under my wing, and we made some deals. I told him he had to do better in school and stop getting in trouble, and I would help him with his transition.”
Dax wiped away tears that didn’t seem to want to stop, and every word he spoke cut Eliza that much deeper. “I didn’t want to assume guardianship of him because I was twenty-three and living a wild life. I was partying every night, and work...” He stopped for a second then said, “To keep it simple, let’s just say it took up a lot of my time, but I was enjoying it. I wasn’t ready for fatherhood, but I could be his big brother. He stayed at my apartment when the shelter got too crowded. I got him tutors to make sure he finished high school, I paid for his hormone blockers, and eventually his testosterone. I made sure he didn’t have to go through the same shit I went through. I was determined to make sure the world saw him as Andre and nothing else.”
The ferocity of his last comment added another layer to Dax in Eliza’s mind It was obvious he loved and cared deeply, but this was something different, and what she felt for him grew immensely. “How’d he get into sex work?”
Dax chuckled and shook his head. “Through me, of course.” He looked down at the picture. “I only have myself to blame for it, though. I never shielded Andre from what I did, and I think I may have glamorized it too much. When you’re sixteen or seventeen years old—on the cusp of being an adult—and hearing about staying in upscale hotels and being given expensive gifts, it becomes something you want. When he told me he wanted to get into it, I fought against it. I love my work, and I honestly couldn’t imagine doing anything else, but it’s something not everyone is cut out to do. You have to possess a certain mentality to do it.”
“Andre didn’t have it?”
Dax sighed the sigh of a weary parent. “No, he had it. That’s what frustrated me the most. Andre was too good at the job, and he knew it. He had the looks, the charm, the perfect amount of arrogance for it to be seductive, but he was also my little brother. The thought of him selling himself drove me crazy, but who was I to judge when I did it? When you look at your family, you want them to be better than you, but on the flipside, what the hell does ‘better’ even mean?”
Dax chuckled softly. “So, to keep me from freaking out, and to keep him from going behind my back and doing it, we made a deal.” He stopped and his lips turned up for a sad smile. He quietly remarked, “Our entire relationship was built on deals.” A shaky breath left him. “Our deal was that he’d try community college for a year, and if he still wanted to go into sex work, then he could. Luckily, the laws changed, and I was able to breathe a little easier about him doing it. Eventually, we both realized he didn’t want to do anything else, so I paid for his licensure fees, all his tests and his psych evals, and as of June of last year, a week after his eighteenth birthday, he was a legal sex worker. That was the second time I saw pure joy on that kid’s face.”
“And how did you feel?” Eliza asked softly.
Dax turned his gaze towards her and smiled. “Proud. My little brother had grown into an awesome young man who was certain of himself and didn’t take shit from anyone. An incredible difference from the person I had met when he was thirteen.” Dax bit his bottom lip and shook his head. “He was so sure of himself that when I offered to pay for his top surgery this year as a birthday present, he turned me down. He told me I had done enough, and that he owed his life to me.”
A sob immediately followed the end of the sentence. “I killed him,” Dax said through his tears. “I should have pushed him to do something else. This wouldn’t have happened if I had.”
The sob, and the heartbreaking cries that ensued, were the final straw for Eliza. She carefully retrieved the folder out of Dax’s hand, then took him in her arms. He cried harder as she did, giving into the pain that he had been trying to hold in, and his anguished sobs caused tears to come to Eliza’s own eyes.
She couldn’t imagine the loss he felt. Angelique and Simon had been Dax’s closest friends, and their loss had had a profound effect on him, but this was different. Dax may not have been ready for fatherhood, but he had clearly felt parental feelings toward Andre, and he mourned his loss like a father losing their child.
Eliza pulled Dax with her as she sat back against the couch. Rubbing soothing circles on his back was the best she could do. She knew there were no words that would be able to console him.
Eliza didn’t know how much time had gone by when Dax eventually calmed down, but when he had, she whispered, “Let’s go upstairs so you can lay down.”
Dax nodded against her chest, and the two of them got up and left the den. Eliza maintained a hold around Dax’s waist as they went up the stairs to the second floor. It wasn’t until they were in the master bedroom did she release him.
Eliza moved over to the bed and pulled back the comforter on it, and Dax climbed into it. She covered him up, but as she turned to walk out of the room, he took hold of her hand, causing Eliza to look at him over her shoulder.
“Stay? Please?” he asked, and his voice sounded small and fragile.
The tremor Eliza heard in his voice would have erased any idea of telling him no if she hadn’t already decided to.
She nodded. “I will, but let me go secure the house. I’ll be back as soon as possible.”
Dax nodded and pulled up the blanket up to his chin.
Eliza was reluctant to leave him, but he was still under protective custody, and security measures had to be taken to ensure no one would get to him during the night. She left the bedroom and did a circuit of the second floor, making sure the windows were still locked. She did the same on the third floor, before making her way down to the first floor. After checking the locks on the doors and windows on that level, Eliza set the house alarm, then grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen.