by L. E. Bross
Seth’s mouth dropped open.
Now to yank the Band-Aid off.
“Plus I sorta hooked up with Tess the other night and now she’s in my head again and I don’t know what the hell to do about it. The fight at the club was because I was trying to talk to her. She bartends there. Probably not the greatest idea while I was drunk off my ass, but I fucked up big-time and I needed to explain.”
“Back the fuck up.” Seth glared at me, and I could almost see the steam coming out of his ears. “You slept with Tess?”
“Well, not technically, since we were interrupted by Noah.”
“Her kid?”
“Yeah.”
“I would punch you in the face if we weren’t sitting in public. One of us winding our asses up in jail today is enough. Are you out of your goddamned mind, Ry?”
I held up my hand and glared back. “Look, I appreciate that you have my back, but what went down between us was years ago. We were kids. I’ve moved past it and am over it. Okay?”
Seth crossed his arms and leaned back. “And yet here you are, freshly bailed out of jail because of her. And I know it was a long time ago, I get that. But you can’t tell me that you are suddenly ready to settle down with that picket fence and two-point-five kids because Tess is back in your life.”
“No, you jackass. And she knows that. She’s in the same place.” We were interrupted when the waitress came and set our plates on the table. After she left I grabbed the syrup and drenched my stack of pancakes. “But this shit with my dad and all this tension with Tess, I sort of freaked out and sent Shari a text to hook up yesterday afternoon.”
Seth paused midbite. “Shari was over at Avery’s last night. Alone. All night.”
“I know. Because I fucking sent the text to Tess by mistake. I just wanted something to be normal, just for a little while. Everything feels like I’m on this ride I can’t get off of. I thought I was doing so good taking care of him, and now some neighbor woman who just moved in has gotten through to him and he’s suddenly washing the fucking windows. I never thought to wash the fucking windows, Seth.”
Seth pointed a home fry at me. “Hey. Don’t you dare start second-guessing anything. He checked out and pretty much left you to fend for yourself. You were sixteen. What sixteen-year-old kid takes up all the slack and not only makes sure there is food on the table but also steps up and takes over his job? Just because he’s decided that he’s going to get sober for what, a few days, doesn’t mean you didn’t do the best you could. You lost both your parents and look at you. You’re a damned good guy, and you’re the best damned friend anyone could have.”
I let his words sink in. Aside from Seth, no one even noticed, much less cared about everything I’d done for my father for the past six years. No one else had noticed much of anything, except Tess.
She made me feel important. Like I was worth something.
Then in one fell swoop, Pops sent me crashing back down.
“What if this is him now? It’s a little late for him to start playing at being the doting father.” I stabbed a sausage and crammed it into my mouth. “I’m twenty-two for Christ’s sake.”
“I know that. But maybe give him the benefit of the doubt for a little while? Some people are capable of getting their shit together and coming out for the better.” I knew he meant himself. And he was right, I just wasn’t sure there was enough left between my father and me to build on. Our roles had been reversed for so long I didn’t know how I could go back to respecting a man who gave up on everything when he had a kid to take care of.
“Great. That problem is solved. Now, about Tess.” I glared at Seth and he waved his fork at me. “Don’t get all pissed at me. I was just going to say that if you do decide to move forward with whatever it is you’re doing with her, make sure you’re both on the same page. The last thing you need right now is complications, and, man, where that girl is concerned, you never were able to think straight. And she has a kid now. You sure you’re up for that?”
“That’s the thing, though. It doesn’t matter about Noah. They’re like this package deal and I can’t imagine one without the other.” That was the truth. I wanted them both in my life.
“Just . . . be careful. For both your sakes,” he said.
I nodded. I got it, I really did, but something about Tess made my thinking go off half-cocked and I ended up doing stupid shit. Like showing up at her job drunk. God, I was an ass. If I was going to fix this, it had to be something big. Something that would mean more than just sorry.
We finished eating and avoided any more talk of Tess or my father. Once I got Seth talking about classes, all I had to do was sit and listen. It was awesome, watching him light up when he rambled about English Comp or Intro to Renaissance something or other.
“So Avery and I are thinking about getting a place closer to campus.” We’d finished up our breakfast and downed three cups of coffee apiece. I was officially full and not hungover anymore.
“Don’t you guys practically live together already at her condo?” I reached for the check and grabbed it before Seth could.
“I still have my shithole apartment, but this would be our place. And give me the damned bill. I took you to breakfast.”
“Dude, you’re a broke college prick now who is going to shack up with his girlfriend and live in sin. I got it. Besides, I owe you for bailing my ass out of jail.” I pulled out a couple of twenties and threw them on the table. “Thanks by the way. You can always tell who your true friends are by who shows up to post your bail.”
We stood up and Seth knocked my shoulder. “Like you have any better friends than me.”
And he was right about that.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
tess
“Can we go to that park again?” Noah asked first thing Sunday morning.
“Sure, we can go to the park,” I answered automatically as I stood at the stove, scrambling some eggs for our breakfast.
“And I can hammer again too?” he asked. The excitement in his voice drove a wedge through my chest. Oh, he meant the play set where Ryan took us last week.
“Not this time. We’ll go to the other park. The one with the sandbox and the tall slide. You love that, remember?”
“But I like the other one better,” he whined. “I want to go there. You said we could go there.”
I took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly as I pushed the eggs around the frying pan. Arguing with a three-year-old took strategy and calm. Two things I was sorely lacking this morning.
I promised it would never happen again.
“It’s either the sandbox park or nothing. But if we stay here, we can’t get an ice cream from that cart you like.” Yes, I had resorted to bribery, but I needed to get out of the apartment. I needed space and fresh air and to not have to look at the spot where Ryan got me off and we had almost had sex.
I could not forget what Ryan said last night and it only made the feelings worse.
“Okay, go grab your shovel and your hat while I finish making breakfast.” I watched Noah skip into the bedroom and my heart swelled. I had turned in my last assignment and was waiting for my final grades before I’d be an official AS holder. Soon I could start applying to four-year colleges, and after that, my father would see I was more than capable and let me have Noah for good. Our lives would change for the better; I just had to be patient. We were getting there, just not how I originally planned, that’s all.
There was a knock at the door that grabbed my attention. Sometimes Louisa would stop by on her way out to touch base for the next week. I pulled it open and came face-to-face with an enormous bouquet of flowers.
“Tess Maxwell?” a voice asked. Then a head popped out from one side and looked at me.
“Yes?”
“Sign here, please.” A clipboard appeared and I scribbled my name.
�
��Are you sure they’re for me?” No one had ever sent me flowers. Not for a very long time. And they were gorgeous.
“They’re yours now,” the guy said, and he shoved them at me. I grabbed the vase before it could fall, and the guy hopped away down the steps. I drove my face into the blooms and inhaled. Lilies and roses and . . . one red carnation.
My hands shook as I carried them to the table to look for a card. But I didn’t need a card to know who they were from. The only time I ever got flowers was from Ryan in high school. And it had always been a single red carnation.
I clasped my hand over my mouth as tears burned my eyes. What the hell was that idiot doing? I found the card with my name and opened the tiny envelope.
I meant what I said last night, but I’m leaving it up to you. I can’t promise anything except right now. If that’s not enough, I understand, but I need you to tell me in person.
R
There was another knock and I stumbled to the door. This time, when I opened it, Ryan stood there. Holding a damned red carnation.
I couldn’t stop the tears now.
“Damn you,” I croaked. “We both know this is a bad idea.”
“It probably is and it will blow up in my face, but all I know is that when we’re not together, I can’t stop thinking about you. I honestly can’t give you anything except a promise that I will always tell you the truth when it comes to us. I just . . . I want to be around you again. I want to get to know you, this you that is strong and holds shit together and who I admire more than anyone I’ve ever met.”
I choked on a hiccup and took a step closer. “You don’t play fair, Ryan.”
“I went and talked to Shari. I told her I couldn’t see her anymore because there was someone else I had to focus on. So it’s just you and me, Tess. I’m pulling out all the stops here. And every single one is worth it.” He held out the carnation and I knew that if I took it, that it would mean we were giving whatever this was a life. We could stop dancing around it and just admit there was something there.
I reached out and plucked the flower from his fingers. A yes to his question. He exhaled, then closed the distance between us and wrapped his arms around my waist. “Thank you.” Then his lips brushed over mine and I wound my arms around his neck.
I still knew we could only end one way, but damn it, I was going to enjoy it while I had him because this time I had with him was worth a lifetime of heartache.
It was time for my own confession now.
“We should talk . . .”
“Hey, Ryan! Did you come to take me to that playground again?” Noah asked just behind us.
Ryan pulled away and I could see the reluctance in his eyes. I slid my fingers down his arm and clasped our hands together. If I was in, I was all in.
“Playground?” Ryan asked, looking to me for help.
“He means the play set at the house you’re remodeling. Sorry, it apparently made quite the impression on him. I managed to talk him into the regular park just before you got here.”
“You want to go back to the other one?” Ryan asked.
“Yep! It was so cool and had a slide and I didn’t have to share and maybe I can hammer again because I don’t have a hammer here and I can’t practice . . .” He took a big breath in and Ryan laughed.
“You don’t have to take him back there. The regular park is perfectly fine.” I didn’t move away from Ryan, but I did turn around so that I could make sure Noah understood that it was up to Ryan. I felt Ryan squeeze my hand, and I tried not to smile like a giddy teenager.
It felt so good having him close again.
“I don’t mind as long as you’re coming along.” He said those words so close to my ear that his hot breath washed over the sensitive flesh and gave me goose bumps. “There are a few things I’d like to show you too.”
I giggled. God, when was the last time I giggled?
“Okay, buddy. You ready?” Ryan asked.
Noah jumped up and down. “Let’s do this!”
“Hold on there, mister.” I held up my hand. “At least four bites of egg first. It’s on the table.” Noah was over to our small table in a flash, seated and shoveling egg into his mouth as fast as he could swallow.
I felt Ryan’s laughter against my back and I joined in.
Half an hour later, we were at Ryan’s remodeling site. Noah was headed right for the play set while Ryan and I followed behind at a slower pace.
“I’m sorry about last night,” he said. “I was an ass and I hope you didn’t get into trouble at work. And I am so sorry about the text.”
“I get it.” I stopped just out of earshot of Noah. “What we’re doing isn’t exclusive and we never actually talked about other people. You don’t have to explain.”
He took my hand. “But I do. Shari is a friend of Avery’s, Seth’s girlfriend, and we all just sort of hang out together. We used to get together, no strings. Jesus, I’m fucking this up aren’t I?” He dragged his fingers through his hair. “Yesterday when Shari texted me, I wasn’t in a good place. I was feeling guilty as hell and hadn’t heard from you and I didn’t want to just show up in case you were regretting everything because I didn’t have your number and I know it’s no excuse, but I can promise you that as soon as I sent it, I regretted it. I wasn’t going to meet her.”
Jealousy burned in my stomach, though I had no right to feel anything. “I should have given you my number so you didn’t have to wait for me to call you. And I don’t regret any of what happened between us, Ryan. I just needed to figure out what I was doing. We’re too good together and it blurs the lines.”
“Right,” he said, leaning down to kiss my nose. “But you have to admit we were always good at the us part.”
He was right. We made an amazing couple before. But we weren’t really a couple now, and I had to remember that. I just had to remember not to fall back in love with him.
“So are we going to do this?” he asked.
“Casual exclusive dating for the time being?” I said. “Has a certain ring to it, doesn’t it?”
He grinned. “I like the sound of it.” He took my hand and we walked over to where Noah was pumping his legs on the swing.
“Hey, guys,” Noah sang out. “Swing with me!”
I looked at Ryan and he inclined his head. I sat and he immediately pulled me back and gave me a huge push. I screamed. Noah laughed so hard that he had to stop swinging and urge Ryan on. I went higher and higher and begged them both to slow me down.
“Should we let her stop?” Ryan asked Noah.
“No way. Higher,” Noah squealed.
“You are so grounded,” I yelled at Noah, who only laughed harder.
When Ryan finally showed mercy and grabbed on to my hips to slow me down, I thought I was going to lose my breakfast. I took a few unsteady steps and sat down in the grass. I hadn’t been on a swing since I was probably eight.
Ryan plopped down next to me as Noah kicked off on the swing again.
“I see where your loyalties lie.” I smacked him on the shoulder and he fell back with a chuckle. Then he reached out and drew me down into the crook of his arm. I settled in and looked up at the sky. Puffy white clouds drifted across a stunning blue background.
“So if we’re going to be seeing more of each other, is it okay to ask questions?” Ryan asked.
I already knew what he wanted to ask, and I had already decided to tell him the truth.
I plucked a few pieces of grass and looked up at him.
“I’m not Noah’s mother.”
I felt him stiffen under me and then he sat up, taking me with him. We ended up facing each other. “What?”
“He’s my brother.” I took a deep breath. “It’s kind of a long story.”
Ryan looked over to where Noah was now playing in the sandbox under the play structure. “So that�
��s why he called you Tess in the truck and not mom. I thought it was just some silly thing he did, like some kids do.”
I shook my head and looked at Noah. I could feel love filling my face and a smile ghosted across my lips.
“I had just finished up my freshman year at Brown when my father . . . when he was caught with one of his students. This wasn’t the first time he’d done something like that. Once I left for college, I didn’t go home, so I didn’t know about Noah until I got the call from social services. I guess the other student before the one who got him arrested got pregnant and decided she didn’t want the baby anymore after about a year. She dropped Noah off with him and disappeared. When they arrested my father, Noah was just one year old. They put him in temporary foster care until I got home. As soon as I held him I knew I had to take care of him. I quit school and used what was left of my college savings to get an apartment in a decent neighborhood. After that ran out, I got the job at the club and, well . . . you know the rest.”
Ryan was staring at me so intently that I shifted away from him. “Too much baggage?” It was a lot to take in and something I had never told anyone else before, but I was glad it was Ryan who knew.
“Hell no. Jesus, I thought you were amazing before, but now? You are definitely the strongest person I’ve ever known and I’ve known some pretty good fighters. Not many people would do what you did, Tess.”
I swallowed against the lump in my throat. I guess I never realized how nice it would feel to hear someone say that. I did what I had to do without any kind of acknowledgment, and that was okay, but hearing the admiration in Ryan’s voice sort of made it worth it.
“Thank you for saying that. No one’s really told me that before.”
Ryan pulled me into his arms. “Someone should tell you that every fucking day.”
As I buried my face in his neck, all I could think was that so many parts of me wanted it to be him.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN