by L. E. Bross
“I saw this”—I held out the red toolbox as best I could, and Noah took it right away—“and thought it might be perfect for a certain little helper I have.”
“Whoa.” Noah had sat down right there and opened the top. “A real hammer.” His voice was filled with awe. “And real nails.”
“You do know he’s almost four and we live in an apartment, right?” Tess asked.
Shit. She was right.
“Hey, buddy. Those tools are only for when you’re helping me on a job, okay?” I handed Tess the chicken, and she narrowed her eyes at me. “What? I figured you guys would be hungry.”
“Ryan, this is the fifth time you’ve brought dinner over. I budget and meal plan for a reason, you know.”
I wasn’t sure if her anger was real or not. I knew she had to be very careful spending money on food, so I thought this would help her out by not eating all her food. Free up some cash for something else she needed.
“I’m used to getting dinner for someone, and since my dad decided to snap out of it, I’ve got no one. Humor me?” I pouted and gave her what I hoped was the biggest puppy-dog face ever. She was back to work tomorrow night, which meant I wouldn’t be seeing her for the next four nights.
And I didn’t want to spend it arguing about food.
“No more food,” she said instead. “I hate having to tell Noah no when you’re not around. Peanut butter and mac-and-cheese used to be his favorite. Now he wants only burgers and fried chicken. I just can’t do that.”
I saw the pain in her eyes and felt like a dick. I only did it to make them both happy, not to make her feel guilty. “I’m sorry, Tess. I wasn’t thinking. Next time I’ll check with you first.”
She glanced down at Noah and his toolbox. “I just . . . I don’t want him to get used to this.” She gave me a trembling smile and went back inside.
I knew what she meant. When this thing between us stopped, but what if it didn’t? I couldn’t promise her anything, but I did know that I had no desire to be with anyone else except her. That had to mean something, because I’d never felt like that with anyone else before.
What if I asked her for more and then realized I couldn’t do it? If we went to shit and I ended up hurting her, I’d never forgive myself. But she was under my skin too deep to back off now.
“You ready to eat?” I asked Noah. He picked up his toolbox and carefully closed it, then carried it inside like it was gold. My heart swelled watching him. Maybe on Saturday, I’d take them back to the house I was remodeling and let him have at it.
Tess had laid out an old blanket on the floor and there were plates and napkins and the bucket of chicken waiting. Noah loved having indoor picnics, and we ate like that a lot.
“Maybe Saturday we can have a picnic in the park, then go by the house I’m working on so Noah can hit some nails?” I asked Tess.
“As long as peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are on the menu.”
I chuckled. Damn woman never gave an inch. “You bring lunch, then, and I get to take care of dessert. There’s a great little ice-cream cart near the fountain. Best hot fudge sundaes ever.”
Noah jumped up and did some ninja kick moves.
Tess was going to argue; I could see it on her face, so I reached out and took her hand. “Can I do that for you guys? I’d really like to.”
“Pleeeeease,” Noah said.
“Pleeeeease,” I said.
“You two are very dangerous together. I’m outnumbered now when it used to be a tie all the time. Yes fine, one ice cream on Saturday, but nothing before then, you got it?”
I high-fived Noah, and Tess sighed. Before she could react I pulled her into my lap and wrapped my arms around her.
She squirmed and wiggled, trying to get away. “That’s it, baby, keep moving just like that,” I growled playfully in her ear. Pink crept into her cheeks and she stopped moving, but she did lean back against my chest.
“I changed my mind. I think maybe you’re the dangerous one all by yourself.”
I kissed her behind the ear and reached for a piece of chicken without letting her go. “You clearly have no idea how backward that really is.”
If anyone here was dangerous, it was Tess. Because she made me think about things I wasn’t sure I was ready for, and it scared the shit out of me.
“He’s been sleeping with that toolbox right next to him all week,” Tess said.
I watched Noah pounding nails into a board I’d strung up, and he was doing a damned good job.
“Louisa even brought him over a piece of scrap wood so he could practice and impress you.”
“I am officially impressed. Hey, buddy, you need a job?” I asked him.
He looked over his shoulder and grinned. God, he was fucking adorable.
“He hasn’t smiled this much in the past year,” Tess said. “He really likes you.” She glanced up at me through her eyelashes. “We both kinda do.”
I took her hand and pulled her close enough so that I could kiss her. “I kinda like you too. Both of you.”
“Hey, guys, watch this,” Noah shouted. He lifted his hammer and brought it straight down on a nail. Tess and I cheered him on.
“So did your father teach you how to do all this? I mean . . . before . . .” Tess sat down on a stack of drywall and looked around. “It’s amazing. I wouldn’t know the first place to start.”
“I kind of had to learn trial by fire. I’d been on jobs with him since I was about eight, but it wasn’t until after he stopped caring that I made myself learn. It was just small stuff. Putting in a cabinet or laying a tile floor. I guess people liked what I was doing because I kept getting calls that weren’t just to fix my dad’s screwups. It just took off from there. Didn’t have much choice back then, we had to eat.”
“But you love it now,” Tess said.
“I really do. There’s a hell of a lot of pride when you finish something that you did with your own hands. Never thought I’d end up doing too much.” I never had dreams of college or a suit-and-tie job. That’s part of the reason I knew Tess did the right thing when she followed her father’s advice. She had plans; I knew without a doubt she’d do great things.
Even now, with her life on a totally different track, she’d make it.
“What about you? You said you have your two-year degree now. What do you plan to do with that?”
Noah finally got tired of hammering and after he carefully put his tools away, he raced outside to the play set. Tess and I followed and stood on the stone patio watching.
“I’m planning on applying to a few colleges where I can finish up my bachelor’s in business. Community college made the most sense because I could work nights and take online classes. It’s been hard, but now I know I can do it.” She smiled and a burst of pride swelled in my chest.
“I’d never bet against you doing anything you set your mind on. So you still like to look at stars?”
Her smile turned sweet. “You remember that?”
“I’m still waiting to have a new one named after me.”
Her delighted laughter floated through the air. “I can’t believe you even remember that.”
“I remember pretty much everything when it comes to you,” I whispered in her ear.
It was easy to slip my arm around her waist, and she leaned into me without any coaxing. In fact, all of this was easy. Being with her and Noah, hanging out, talking, not talking. There was never a moment where I wanted to run away from her.
I wanted to ask her if she thought we had a shot at another chance, but I couldn’t get the words out. What if she was counting on this being temporary? She was applying to colleges. What if she got accepted to one out of state?
For the first time since we’d starting seeing each other again, I didn’t know what to do.
Or what I would do if she ended up leaving
and taking the best parts of me with her.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
tess
Ryan had a mouthful of pizza and was showing Noah how to fold a slice in half before taking a bite when someone knocked on the door. Today was Noah’s official birthday and I had splurged and bought pizza and ice cream to celebrate.
I was still smiling when I pulled it open. “Hello?”
An unfamiliar man stood there. “Are you Tess Maxwell?”
“Yes.” I smiled again but he didn’t smile back. Instead, he held out a large manila envelope.
“Tess Maxwell?”
I nodded.
“You’ve just been served.” Then he turned and walked down the steps without another word.
I stood staring after him in shock.
“What the hell was that about?” Ryan asked from behind me.
“I don’t know.” The envelope felt like it weighed a hundred pounds in my hand. I racked my brain to try to remember if I owed money to anyone, but I knew that I didn’t. I shut the door and slowly moved to the couch.
Ryan’s gaze followed me, but he went and sat back down next to Noah.
My fingers shook as I tore open the envelope. The papers inside were thick and held together by a paper clip, and I started to pull them out.
NOTICE OF HEARING TO TERMINATE TEMPORARY GUARDIANSHIP.
The words hit my brain like shrapnel. God, no. I yanked them out and read as fast as I could. Tears blurred my vision and I choked on a sob. No, no, no. I covered my mouth to try to keep from screaming.
My father was terminating my guardianship of Noah because he was essentially selling him. He was terminating his parental rights and adopting Noah out to another family. Damn him to hell, he knew how much I loved Noah, how much I wanted to keep him part of my life. He was my brother. My blood.
“Tess?” Ryan called out, and it sounded like it was coming from inside a long tunnel. I looked up and stared blankly across the room. I had nothing to fight him with. He was Noah’s father and he held all the cards.
I had been going along with everything he asked for two and a half years and had hoped that the next visit would be the one where I convinced him I should have Noah permanently, but now . . . now I was going to lose the little boy I loved more than life. Why? Why was he doing this to me today of all days?
The couch moved as Ryan sat down and tugged the papers from my grasp.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” he gritted out. “Does this mean what I think it does?”
“He’s . . .” I looked over at Noah and gave him a watery smile. “Hey, Noah, Ryan and I are going to go sit on the steps outside and talk. I’ll leave the door open, but you can build something really cool for us, okay?”
His eyes lit up and he pushed himself off the low chair. “Okay.”
Pressure built in my chest and I struggled to stand up and get outside before it burst. Ryan took my arm and guided me out the door, and I leaned against him hoping I would not fall down. My legs were like rubbery sticks and I couldn’t feel my fingers.
“Your father still has actual custody of Noah?” Ryan asked as soon as we sat.
“Yes. I tried to get him to give me full custody, but he refused. Said I had to finish school and he would not allow my life to be ruined by taking care of some kid. I’ve had to prove myself over and over again to that man. He acts like Noah isn’t even his own flesh and blood. I’ve been doing just fine so far. Yes, maybe things haven’t gone as fast or as easy as I hoped, but I wouldn’t trade a single day of it. I should have known this would happen. I should have prepared for it.” I hung my head and drove my nails into my thighs.
“How do you prepare for something like this?” he asked. He snaked his arm around my shoulders and pulled me against his body.
It was nice to have someone there to lean on. Even if he wasn’t a permanent part of my life.
The court date was in three weeks. I had only twenty-one days to figure this out.
Maybe my father could see reason. What if I took Noah to see him in prison, to show Dad I was doing just fine. I could tell him I just finished my associate’s degree and was applying to a bunch of colleges, and he would see that Noah and I were fine.
Then he’d give me full custody.
It shouldn’t matter one way or the other to him if I raised Noah. He never cared about his son. It was just a reminder of how much he had screwed up.
“I can help,” he said in my ear. “Anything you need is yours.”
When was the last time I had anyone on my side? God, a part of me wanted to just put it all in his lap and let him take care of it like he offered. One second. That’s what I gave myself to even think that way before I sat up straighter.
I’d gotten us through the last two and a half years, I could fix this too.
“I’ve got this.” I gave him a smile that I knew wasn’t quite real. I had no idea if my father would go for my idea, but I had nothing to lose by asking. “But thank you.”
He didn’t look convinced and started to say something, but I threw my hand over his mouth.
“This is my fight; Noah is my responsibility. I appreciate you wanting to help, but I can do this on my own.”
“But you shouldn’t have to, Tess.”
Those words ripped right through my chest. Before Ryan came back into my life, I’d been content with what I had. Taking care of Noah was enough for now, except Ryan awakened all these feelings I’d pushed deep down inside and I found that I wanted to be around him more than I should for our arrangement. This connection between us was temporary, even though my heart already felt like it was more.
Ryan made it clear that he never wanted anything more than just casual, and honestly, I had so much more that I needed to do before I was ready for a serious relationship. It . . . wasn’t our time. Again.
“We should get back inside. No telling what Noah’s up to in there.” I pushed to my feet, and Ryan grabbed my hand.
“It’s not a one-time offer. Open-ended. Just so you know.”
“Thank you, Ryan.”
Tuesday morning I got Noah bathed and dressed in his nicest outfit. I had on jeans and a casual blouse and had pulled my hair back into a ponytail. I had never taken Noah with me when I went to see my father at Harnett Correctional Institution. Noah knew I wasn’t his real mom, but I sure as hell didn’t want him knowing that the man in the orange jumpsuit behind bars was his father. I pushed that thought away. Today was about making my father see that I was capable of being Noah’s permanent guardian.
“Where are we going?” Noah asked from the backseat.
My throat started to itch. What was I supposed to tell him?
I already dreaded the day that he was old enough to know the real truth behind his birth. But that day wasn’t going to be today.
“There is someone I need to visit and you’re coming with me. ’Kay?” The only reason I was taking Noah was so that my father could see that he was healthy and happy and that I’d done a damned good job. Could still do it. “I got you a new coloring book and crayons to use while he and I talk.”
“Superheroes?” he squealed.
“Maybe,” I hinted with a smile.
Noah talked the rest of the hour-long drive about how awesome the Hulk and Superman and even Iron Man were. I teared up listening to him. There was no way I’d ever let anyone else have him. Noah and I belonged together, and nothing was ever going to change that.
I pulled into a space marked VISITOR and cut the engine. The place was huge and it never failed to intimidate me, though I had been there a half dozen times. Fences and barbed wire and guards standing around all over the place. With a deep breath I unbuckled Noah and grabbed my bag.
Just inside the door a guard stepped up and asked for my name, my ID, and who I was there to see. He checked his list, then nodded and guided us to
where we had to walk through a huge metal detector.
Noah clutched my hand tight and looked up at me. I was having so many regrets, but it was too late. I’d made the appointment right after Ryan left on Tuesday night and we had only an hour to see my father today. What I had to ask him could not wait.
“It’s okay. We just have to walk through and we’re done.” I gave Noah an encouraging smile, and with a nod, he stepped through, his eyes wide and shining with uncertainty. I followed and my bag was searched and then we were done.
We waited with several other people and then followed yet another guard to the visiting area. It was basically a large room with tables spread throughout. There were men already sitting at the tables and several more guards stood around the room. My heart thundered against my ribs.
I could feel myself growing tense. Being around my father did that. He was demanding and uncompromising and I’d never won an argument with him. Today, though, I had to.
I looked around the room until I saw him. When our gazes met, he looked down and his eyes narrowed. And just like that, I felt like I was fifteen again. I walked stiffly over to the table and lifted Noah up to sit as far away from him as possible. I got out his coloring book and crayons and kissed his cheek.
“You just color as much as you like while I talk to this man, okay?”
He gave me a grin, already thumbing through the coloring book to find his favorite characters. I sat down across from my father. “Hello, Dad.”
“Can’t say I’m surprised to see you, Tess.” He sat back and crossed his arms over his chest.
So he wanted to cut right to it, did he? “Why are you doing this?” I kept my voice low and my tone neutral, desperate for Noah not to pick up on anything being amiss. “I’ve done everything you asked for the past two and a half years.”
His gaze sharpened. “And what have you done with your life in that time?”
“I got my degree. I kept us fed and clothed and a roof over our heads.” And I am damned proud of what I’ve accomplished.