by Neil Strauss
How to Win the Game
You win when, at any point between Day 1 and Day 30, you get a date.
A date is defined as a planned second encounter with a woman you have just met.
For example, if you approach a woman at a bar, exchange phone numbers, and meet her for coffee two days later, that is a date.
If you talk to a woman at the mall and arrange to meet that night at a bar, and she shows up specifically to see you, that is a date. Even if you don’t exchange phone numbers.
Basically, any scenario where you approach a woman and she agrees to see you at a later date or time—and shows up—constitutes a date.
Once you get a date, feel free to put your name in the winner’s circle at www.stylelife.com/challenge and share your story. If you win before the thirty days are up, feel free to continue the Challenge and carry out the daily missions for the remainder of the month. They’ll only further enhance your confidence and game.
When you’re ready to receive your first mission, turn the page and begin the Stylelife Challenge.
Enjoy, and play fair.
MISSION 1: Evaluate Yourself
Fitness programs require you to weigh in on the first day. Financial plans ask for a list of your assets and debts. So to revamp your social life, you’ll need to make a social assessment of yourself.
Your first mission is to write answers to the following questions. Don’t worry about what anyone else will think of your answers. Your goal is to be as honest with yourself as possible.
1. Write one or two sentences describing how you believe other people currently perceive you.
2. Write one or two sentences describing how you’d like to be perceived by others.
3. List three of your behaviors or characteristics you would like to change.
4. List three new behaviors or characteristics you would like to adopt.
MISSION 2: Read and Destroy
Before moving on to your first field assignment, it’s necessary to eliminate any self-sabotaging beliefs that you may have about interacting with women. Your next task is to read the manifesto titled “The Chains That Bind,” included at the end of today’s assignments in the Day 1 Briefing.
MISSION 3: Operation Small Talk
Your first field assignment: Make small talk with five strangers today.
It doesn’t matter whether they’re male or female, young or old, friendly or unfriendly. The stranger can be a businessman in the street, an old lady in the supermarket line, a hostess at a restaurant, or a homeless person.
The goal is simply to start a conversation, with no intent other than filling in the silence with a question or pleasantry. The conversation doesn’t have to progress beyond a comment and a response.
If idle chatter doesn’t come naturally to you, scan news headlines before you leave the house. Small-talk topics include:
Weather: “It’s beautiful out today. Too bad we’re stuck inside.”
Sports: “Did you catch the _________ game last night? I couldn’t believe it.”
Current events: “Did you hear that _________? What are they going to think of next?”
Entertainment: “Have you seen the new _________ movie yet? I wonder if it’s any good.”
Remember: The answer doesn’t matter. Whether you receive a long story or a cursory grunt in response, you’ve completed the mission simply by opening your mouth and speaking to a stranger.
When it came to meeting women, my biggest enemy was me.
I used to look at myself—five foot six, scrawny, bald, and big nosed—and think there was no way I could compete with all the tall, good-looking guys out there. I was so unhappy that I considered plastic surgery.
But once I started approaching women in streets, bars, clubs, and cafés, I discovered that looks don’t matter nearly as much as I’d thought. As long as I was well groomed, all I needed in order to attract just about anyone I wanted was the right personality.
Although it’s a dubious achievement to be named in the media as the best pickup artist in the world, one thing it taught me was that I didn’t need to change the way I looked. I was doing just fine. In fact, I usually had it easier than big, muscular, square-jawed male models because I was much less threatening and intimidating. I could come in under the radar. In the end, then, my problem wasn’t my looks, but my limiting beliefs about my looks.
A limiting belief is something that you believe about yourself, other people, or the world—and although it isn’t actually true, the fact that you think it is holds you back from experience and success. Any time you tell yourself you “can’t” do something that’s within the realm of human possibility—that’s a limiting belief.
Dispelling limiting beliefs is very easy: Just ask yourself, “Was there ever a time when…” and insert your limiting belief. For example, if you believe that you get uncomfortable around beautiful women, ask yourself, “Was there ever a time when I was comfortable around a beautiful woman?” Name just one time, and you’ve disproved your limiting belief.
Nearly everyone is held back by some limiting belief, whether he’s conscious of it or not. So before I send you running around the streets talking to strangers, let’s clear the air and dispel a few of the most common limiting beliefs about dating.
LIMITING BELIEF: If I talk to her, she’ll ignore me—or, even worse, say something mean that will embarrass me.
REALITY: Here’s something that may surprise you: The harder it is for you to approach women, the less likely it is that you’ll be rudely rejected.
Why is that? Because most people have been raised to be courteous and polite, unless they feel threatened—and a shy guy isn’t too likely to intimidate anyone. The worst thing that’s likely to happen is the woman will politely say she’s having a private conversation, or simply excuse herself to go to the bathroom. Playing negative what-if scenarios in your head is detrimental to your emotional health. Instead, get out of the house and start approaching women, and you’ll discover that most of the things you imagine going wrong will never happen.
LIMITING BELIEF: People are looking at me, judging me, or making fun of me.
REALITY: This is half right. People may notice you, but they’re not necessarily judging you—most of them are too busy worrying about what other people are thinking of them. Once you realize that most people are just like you—and that they’re actually seeking your approval—you’ll start to become socially fearless.
Besides, most bystanders who see you approach a girl or a group assume that you know the people. So act like you do. Not only will it ease your worries about what everyone else is thinking, but it’ll also make your approach more effective.
LIMITING BELIEF: Women aren’t attracted to nice guys. They like jerks.
REALITY: This is one of the oldest myths about dating. And, fortunately, it’s inaccurate. The dating dichotomy isn’t actually between nice guys and mean guys, or good boys and bad boys. It’s between weak guys and strong guys. Women are drawn to men who demonstrate strength—not necessarily physical strength, but the ability to make them feel safe. So if you’re a nice guy, you can still be nice. But you must also be strong.
However, make sure you know what nice means. Most guys who define themselves as “too nice” only behave nicely because they want everybody to like them and don’t want anyone to think badly of them. So, if this is you, get off your nice high horse. Don’t mistake being fearful and weak-minded for being nice.
LIMITING BELIEF: I’m not good-looking, rich, or famous enough to be with a beautiful woman.
REALITY: There are plenty of rock stars and multimillionaires who have the exact same problems with women that you do. I know because I’ve coached many of them. And, in the process, I learned that money, looks, and fame—while they certainly make things much easier—aren’t actually necessary. Fortunately for men, the way we look doesn’t matter nearly as much as how we present ourselves. And this requires only good grooming, and clothing that conveys an at
tractive identity. When it comes to wealth and fame, simply displaying the desire and ability to achieve them can be just as powerful. Like talent scouts, many women are attracted to men with goals and potential. And in the next ten days, we’ll be sharpening your appearance, goals, and perceived potential.
LIMITING BELIEF: There’s this one girl…
REALITY: There are many incredible women in this world. If you’re hung up on one particular girl you just can’t get out of your mind—and she hasn’t given you any sense that she shares the feelings—then recognize that’s not love you’re feeling, but obsession. And that obsession is likely to scare her away. The best thing you can do for yourself and for her is to go out and interact with as many women as possible, until you realize that there are plenty of people out there for you—some of whom are capable of recognizing your worth and reciprocating your feelings.
LIMITING BELIEF: Some guys are born with the ability to charm women. Other guys just don’t have it and never will.
REALITY: Fortunately, there is a third type of guy: one who can learn it. That’s me. And once you understand how attraction works and have a few successful approaches under your belt, it’ll be you too. Any problems you may currently be having aren’t the result of who you are but of what you’re doing and how you’re presenting yourself. Those problems can be fixed easily with the right knowledge and a little practice. If you stick with the program after the Challenge, you’ll even start doing better than the so-called naturals you once envied.
LIMITING BELIEF: All I have to do is “be myself,” and eventually I’ll meet the right woman who likes me for me.
REALITY: This works only if you know exactly who you are, what your strengths are, and how to convey them successfully. Most often, this statement is used as an excuse not to improve. What most of us present to the world isn’t necessarily our true self: It’s a combination of years of bad habits and fear-based behavior. Our real self lies buried underneath all the insecurities and inhibitions. So rather than just being yourself, focus on discovering and permanently bringing to the surface your best self.
LIMITING BELIEF: To figure out what women want, just ask them.
REALITY: This may be true sometimes, but not as often as many people think. It wasn’t until I started trying behaviors that seemed counterintuitive that I discovered a key principle of the game: What women want isn’t necessarily what they respond to. Furthermore, what women say they want may be what they want in a relationship, but it isn’t always what attracts them during the courtship period. That said, most women will give you the information you need to attract them, but it’s usually found between the lines.
LIMITING BELIEF: If I approach a woman, she’ll know I’m hitting on her and think I’m lame.
REALITY: This is only partially true—women think this only when men approach them badly. This includes men who make them uncomfortable, creep them out, or seem to have an agenda. The biggest mistake a man can make with a woman is hitting on her before she’s attracted to him. And though this describes the so-called technique of most men, it’s a mistake you’ll avoid if you follow your daily missions. Few women will resent meeting someone who is warm, funny, sincere, interesting, engaging, makes them feel comfortable, and isn’t going to stick around talking their ear off.
LIMITING BELIEF: Women don’t like sex as much as men do. They’re mostly interested in having a relationship.
REALITY: If you believe that, you haven’t spent enough time around women. Here are a few facts that may help dispel that belief: It’s women, rarely men, who have an organ solely made for sexual pleasure: the clitoris, which has twice as many nerve endings as a man’s entire penis. And it’s women, not men, whose orgasms can last minutes or longer. Most men have just one orgasm and then lose their arousal; most women can have orgasm after orgasm and many different types: clitoral, vaginal, blended, full-body, and psycholagnic (look it up).
In short, good sex is even better for women than it is for us. So doesn’t it make sense that they want it more?
MISSION 1: Set Your Goals
Congratulations! You survived Day 1.
Whether you already know your life goals or you just need a little prodding, today’s first exercise will help you set your intent and program your mind for success.
To quote J. C. Penney, founder of the department store chain, “Give me a stock clerk with a goal, and I’ll give you a man who will make history. Give me a man with no goals, and I’ll give you a stock clerk.”
Your mission is to read the following questions, think about them carefully, and write your personal mission statement. Be as specific and ambitious as possible. (Examples of accomplishments include starting a band, buying a house, getting in shape, launching a business, becoming president.)
1. What three accomplishments would you like to achieve to make you happier?
2. What are the reasons these accomplishments will make you happier?
3. What is your personal mission?
I will become (maximum four words)
who will (maximum four words)
within days/weeks/years.
4. List three specific results that will let you know that you’ve accomplished your mission. (For example, “I will have earned $200,000,” “I will have lost thirty pounds,” or “I will have won five Academy Awards.”)
1. I will have
2. I will have
3. I will have
5. Why are you now fully committed to pursuing your personal mission?
Because if I don’t pursue it now, I will continue to suffer over the next years and
my will decrease/get worse/fail.
my will decrease/get worse/fail.
my will decrease/get worse/fail.
But if I do pursue it now, I will enjoy the next years and
my will increase/improve/come true.
my will increase/improve/come true.
my will increase/improve/come true.
MISSION 2: Look into Your Eyes [Optional]
There’s another step you can take to reinforce your personal mission statement and strengthen your subconscious intent: self-hypnosis. I’ve commissioned a charismatic mind-shaping exercise specifically for the Challenge, which I’ve made available for you online at www.stylelife.com/challenge.
After you download it, find a comfortable place free of distraction. Dim the lights, take off your shoes, and sit or lie down. Relax. Then put on headphones, play the audio, and take the journey.
Make sure you listen to the entire recording without interruption. It’s more important to feel this experience than to see it. Try to listen to the recording every other day during the Challenge: The more you repeat it, the better the result.
MISSION 3: Look into Their Eyes
Your field assignment today is to go out and make small talk with five more strangers.
But, this time, there’s one more thing you need to do: make eye contact with each person. Record his or her eye color in the space below:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
In the first small-talk exercise, the purpose was to develop the ability to talk to anyone without fear. Meeting people eye to eye (being careful not to stare) will not only increase the likelihood of a response, it’ll help you connect with them on a more personal level.
If you’d like to develop this crucial but subtle skill further, here’s an extra-credit exercise: Try to hail a cab, get a bartender’s attention, or call a waiter to your table without speaking or gesturing—instead, use nothing but eye contact.
MISSION 4: A Hint for Tomorrow
Be sure to read tomorrow’s assignment the moment you wake up—before you shower, shave, or check your email.
MISSION 1: Adopt the Caveman Hygiene Method
This next mission may make you a little uncomfortable. And that’s a good thing. The reason will be made clear tomorrow. But for now:
Do not shower today.
> Do not shave today.
Chances are, no one will notice—most people are too busy worrying about how they look. If they do, tell them you’re trying to win a bet or participating in a highly compensated study for the deodorant industry.
MISSION 2: Speak with Confidence
When I was learning the game, I had trouble meeting new people because I talked too fast, too softly, and swallowed my words. In a loud club, it made meeting women practically impossible. So I went to a vocal coach named Arthur Joseph.
“Your voice is your identity,” he teaches. “It can tell people everything about who you are, how you feel about yourself, and what you believe in.”
So today we’re going to work on your voice.
There are five common speech mistakes people make. These errors are outlined, along with an exercise for each, in your Day 3 Briefing.
Your task is to read the article and do at least three of the exercises, even if you don’t think you need to. You may be surprised.
MISSION 3: Find Mr. Moviefone
For today’s field mission, stay home. You’re going to use only your voice.
Your task is to dial a local number randomly on your telephone. When someone answers, try to get him or her to recommend a good movie. That’s all.
The point isn’t just to talk to more strangers. It’s to learn how to change the course of an interaction without making the other person feel uncomfortable.