by Neil Strauss
Whenever your limiting mind images pop up, instantly replace them with large, bright, sharp, colorful pictures of successful situations. Associate with these images by seeing them through your own eyes.
These mental exercises are best done just after waking up or before going to sleep, because that’s when your subconscious is most open to changework. By repeating this exercise as often as possible, you’ll get to the point where you automatically reject the negative images your limiting mind tries to throw at you before each approach.
Let Go of Your Outcome
One of the biggest problems men have with approaching women is magnifying the meaning of the interaction and focusing too intently on achieving one specific outcome—whether it be exchanging phone numbers, making out, having sex, or beginning a romantic relationship.
Emotionally detaching from the outcome—while rationally working toward your goal—will significantly alleviate your anxiety. This is why the Stylelife Challenge offers small, easy-to-accomplish goals rather than large, unlikely ones.
People can be random, unpredictable, chaotic creatures. And sometimes you may truly be surprised. That’s why approaching is so much fun. So why constrain the possibilities of a new encounter by being dependent on a particular outcome?
Remove Failure from Your Vocabulary
The word failure has different meanings for different people. To most people, failure means approaching and being rejected. My definition of failure is quitting, giving up, or never approaching at all.
Rejection is another word that’s been misused and misrepresented. The dictionary definition of reject is “to refuse to accept.” So if you offer someone a stick of gum, and she says “No thanks,” you’ve been rejected. Do you feel an emotional sting? Probably not.
If you invite someone to a social event, and she says “No thanks,” it shouldn’t be any different. But for most people it is different, and here’s why: When the gum is rejected, we think the person doesn’t want the gum. But when we extend an invitation and get rejected, we think she doesn’t want us.
But how could she possibly have decided she doesn’t want us? She’s known us only for a short while. She’s practically a complete stranger. She doesn’t know how great we are, the way our friends and family do. Why do we value her opinion over theirs? Why do we attach so much emotional baggage to a virtual stranger’s ill-formed opinion? You guessed it: the limiting mind.
Practice the Crash and Burn Strategy
If, after reading this, you still have a crippling fear of social rejection, then go out and try to get rejected. Every accomplished social artist I know has a ton of rejections under his belt. That’s simply the price you have to pay for excellence.
To quote Michael Jordan, “I’ve missed more than nine thousand shots in my career. I’ve lost almost three hundred games. Twenty-six times, I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
After a few rejections, you’ll see that it’s not so bad, that rejection really has nothing to do with who you are. It’s more like somebody flicking you in the shoulder with a finger. You know it happened, but it doesn’t hurt you or really even bother you. It’s actually just immature and embarrassing on their part.
I took a student out once and tried to get us rejected to help him past his fears. But a funny thing happened: My plan backfired, and I wasn’t rejected at all. The conversation went something like this:
ME: Hey! How are you doing? Could you blow us out? We need to get blown out.
THEM: Huh? What’s that?
ME: Oh, that’s when a couple of guys roll up and you’re in some mood, so you’re totally rude and don’t wanna talk, and you tell the guys to—
THEM [INTERRUPTING]: Oh, we’re not rude. Not at all!
We ended up having a pleasant conversation for forty-five minutes, after which we exchanged contact information. The exercise was supposed to demonstrate that blow-outs are pain free, but it ended up teaching a different lesson: that you can open by saying almost anything when you’re confident, congruent, and upbeat.
Feel free to prove it to yourself. Next time you see someone you want to talk to, open your mouth and say the first thing that comes to mind. As long as your comment or question isn’t rude or hostile, you may be surprised by how difficult it is to get solidly rejected.
After trying this a few times, you’ll also notice that everyone’s responses vary. Then you can adjust your attitude to expect nothing and prepare for everything. Or, as the poet Samuel Hazo puts it:
Expect everything, and anything seems nothing.
Expect nothing, and anything seems everything.
DID YOU COMPLIMENT FOUR WOMEN?
DID YOU SHOP FOR NEW CLOTHES?
DID YOU CREATE YOUR MISSION STATEMENT,
DO THE POSTURE EXERCISE, GET MOVIE RECOMMENDATIONS
FROM THREE STRANGERS?
IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS, THEN
PROCEED TO THE NEXT PAGE.
IF YOU HAVEN’T ACTUALLY BEEN DOING THE MISSIONS
BUT JUST READING TO GET THE INFORMATION,
THEN DO NOT PROGRESS PAST THIS PAGE UNTIL YOU CAN
ANSWER YES TO THE QUESTIONS ABOVE.
READING THIS WORKBOOK STRAIGHT THROUGH
IS LIKE GOING TO THE GYM TO WATCH TELEVISION.
YOU’RE NOT GOING TO IMPROVE
IF YOU DON’T DO THE EXERCISES.
MISSION 1: Learn to Open
Your first lesson today: There is no such thing as a pickup line.
If there were a single sentence that magically made women fall in love or lust, every man would be using it. Most of what people call pickup lines are actually comedic one-liners that were never legitimately used to meet women in the first place.
What does exist is a specific sequential process that can be used to develop a romantic or sexual relationship with a woman.
And this process begins with the opener, perhaps the most important part of the interaction.
Your task is to turn to your Day 7 Briefing and read the field guide to openers before beginning the next mission.
MISSION 2: Prepare Your Opener
Your mission is to develop an original opener based on today’s briefing.
The simplest way to generate an opener is to think about anything you’re curious about, want to learn, or are confused about. Choose a topic that is likely to capture the interest of most people. It can be a meaningful, debate-inspiring subject based on a relationship or spiritual crisis, or it can be a specific, trivial subject based on a popular culture, travel, health, or social customs query.
Then, instead of asking a friend about the subject or looking up the information on the internet, use it as a reason to talk to other people. For example, if you can’t remember who sings a certain popular song, make it your mission when you leave the house today to ask strangers until you get a correct answer. If your friend’s girlfriend tried to kiss you, and you don’t know whether to tell him or not, by all means, get some advice from the woman in the street.
Even unlikely questions can be effective openers as long as they’re genuine. For example, I was having a debate with a friend one day over the names of the oceans. So, rather than seek the immediate gratification of Google, we made it our opener for the night: “Hey, how good were you at high school geography? Okay, how many continents are there? Right, seven. And how many oceans? Okay, five. So here’s the question: What are the five oceans? My friend and I have been stuck on this all day. We can only come up with four.”
As ridiculous as it sounds, it started a conversation every time.
Although today’s briefing mentions different types of openers, for this task, focus on indirect openers that don’t convey sexual or romantic interest. Make sure your attitude about whatever you ask is positive and that you avoid discussing anything that might reflect badly on you, such as creepy topics like serial killers or insecure
questions about yourself.
MISSION 3: Test Your Opener
Get groomed, get dressed, and get excited. Your mission today is to approach three different women—or groups that include women—and deliver either an opener you’ve invented or one you read in today’s material. You may approach in the street, at a café or bar, in the mall, in an office waiting room, or wherever you choose.
It isn’t necessary to continue the conversation afterward, but feel free to do so if it’s going well. When the discussion comes to a natural close, exit with a simple line: “Thanks. Nice meeting you,” for example.
It is not necessary to have three successful interactions; just three approaches. Tomorrow we’ll add a few extra pieces that will greatly increase the success and effectiveness of your openers.
MISSION 4: Evaluate Your Approaches
In the space below, make a list of the approaches you did today.
If any went well, write down the reasons you believe they worked. If any went poorly, make a note of why you believe they weren’t successful.
Approach #1:
Approach #2:
Approach #3:
Now review your list. Do any of your reasons blame someone else for a negative outcome (“She was walking too fast,” “She was stuck up,” “She wasn’t my type,” “The guy she was with was an asshole”)? If so, cross them out and replace them with an error you may have made. Then write down a suggestion for what you could have done differently to make the approach more successful.
“What’s your name?” “What do you do for work?” “Seen any good movies lately?”
Boring!
Listen to any man in conversation with a woman he’s met, and chances are she’ll be subjected to a nonstop barrage of questions that include one or all of the above. And because she’s answering them, the guy will think he’s getting somewhere.
Here’s a question for you: How many times do you think she’s answered those same questions before?
Answer: countless times.
Usually, the scenario ends like this: Slowly she starts looking around the bar, losing interest. The guy makes a desperate move and asks for her phone number. She politely says she has a boyfriend, even though she doesn’t. Game over.
Why does this happen?
The comedian Chris Rock knows why. He has a routine in which he explains that anything a man says to a woman translates as “How about some dick?”
If you barrage a woman with generic questions, what she hears is “How about some dick?” Offer to buy her a drink, she hears “How about some dick?” Introduce yourself to her, comment on her necklace, ask for the time: “How about some dick?”
Your goal as a Challenger is to start a conversation with a woman without saying “How about some dick?”
This is accomplished through what are known as indirect openers. An indirect opener is a way to start a conversation with a stranger or a group of people you don’t know without hitting on anyone or showing any romantic interest. If you do this well enough, soon she’ll be asking you those generic questions.
The following guide includes the basics of using and developing these openers. Tomorrow, you’ll learn two additional techniques to make them nearly failsafe.
Types of Openers
A successful opener serves four basic objectives:
It’s nonthreatening and makes no one uncomfortable.
It stirs up curiosity and captures the person’s or group’s imagination.
It’s a springboard for follow-up conversation.
It serves as a vehicle for you to display your personality.
There are many different types and classes of openers. These include:
Direct openers, in which the man shows his romantic or sexual interest right away;
Situational openers, in which the man comments on something in the environment;
Indirect openers, in which the man initiates a spontaneous, entertaining conversation that is not about the woman or the environment.
All of these openers can work, but the first two often fall into the “How about some dick?” category. It’s okay to use them, but only if the woman is initially interested in you or predisposed to be attracted to you. And even then they may not always work.
I prefer indirect openers because, when performed correctly, they work 95 percent of the time. And those are pretty good odds in this game, or any game.
Most indirect openers are premeditated and scripted. It may seem contrived and unnatural to prepare something to say, but when you have a conversation starter ready to go at any time, you don’t have to hesitate and try to think of something clever to say every time you see a woman you find attractive.
Eventually you’ll be able to start a successful interaction by spontaneously saying just about anything. For now, though, think of indirect scripted openers as training wheels—ones that work so well many guys never want to remove them.
Before the Opener
The game begins before you open your mouth.
Because the initial approach is such a critical moment, everything from your body language to your energy level takes on extra significance. Here are a few points to keep in mind when approaching a woman or a group of strangers:
Always have something better to do than meeting women. As soon as you start staring at, evaluating, or ogling a woman in front of you, even if she can’t see you, you’ve just lost every woman behind you. The reason is not just that you may seem creepy and desperate, but also that you don’t seem interesting, fun, or worth meeting.
Everyone wants to be with the most popular person in the room. Since most groups in public settings don’t know each other, all you need to do is create the illusion of being popular in that moment. From the second you walk in, be engrossed in an animated conversation with your friends. Smile, laugh, have fun, and enjoy one another’s company.
Then, when you notice someone you want to approach, wheel around and start a conversation. Don’t hesitate or waste time assessing the situation. The art of the approach is the art of spontaneity. If you wait too long, either she’ll notice you scoping her out and get creeped out—or, more likely, you’ll think about it for too long, get nervous, and talk yourself out of approaching.
Don’t face the person or group head-on when you first approach. It’s too direct and confrontational. Instead, turn your head and ask over your shoulder. Your goal is to give the impression that you’re on your way somewhere else and just pausing briefly to ask some random people a quick question en route. Once the group begins to enjoy the conversation, you may turn and face them.
Don’t hover over or lean into the person or group. If you’re competing with loud music or they’re seated, just stand up straighter and talk louder. If all goes well, you’ll soon be sitting down with them or moving somewhere quieter together.
Smile when you approach. Even if a grin doesn’t come naturally, fake it. It predisposes the woman or group you’re about to engage to respond positively. On a subconscious level, it signals that you’re a friend and not an enemy.
Your energy level should be equal to or slightly higher than the woman or group you’re approaching. Most people are out to have fun. So if you can add to their fun, you’ll be welcomed into the group. If you’re bringing them down or making them strain to understand you, it doesn’t matter what you say—they’ll want to get rid of you as soon as possible. Ways to increase your energy level include talking louder, using hand gestures, making an effort to connect with the people you’re talking to, and smiling with your mouth and eyes. But don’t be too hyper, because that’s just annoying.
Make sure that everyone can hear you, is paying attention, and is involved in the conversation. If you lose just one person, you risk losing the whole group. So if you feel like someone’s interest is waning, pull her into the conversation by addressing her directly or commenting on something she’s wearing or doing.
Don’t be afraid to approach groups that include men. The more m
en there are in the group, the less likely it is that the women in it have been approached. You’ll be surprised at how often the guys they’re with aren’t actually their boyfriends or husbands.
Make sure you pay attention to the men in a group. If they feel you’re not respecting or acknowledging them, they’ll try to end the interaction. If you think any of the men mistakenly believe you’re hitting on them, mention an ex-girlfriend or a crush on an actress.
If you’re interested in an attractive woman or group of women who’ve been hit on a lot, don’t approach them directly. Instead, open a group next to them. Then, during a high point of the interaction, casually involve the woman you originally wanted to meet in the discussion.
What to Say
There are three traits a successful indirect opener should possess: It should appear spontaneous, be motivated by curiosity, and be interesting to most people.
There are also many subtleties. Never begin by asking a question that requires a yes or no response. If you say, “Can I ask you a quick question?” the group can always answer, “No.” Then you’re stuck.
Instead, begin with a statement, such as an observation, “You guys look like experts,” or a request for assistance: “Help me settle a quick debate” or “Let me get your take on this.” Then pause briefly to make sure you have everyone’s attention, and continue.
Even when you ask your actual question, it’s not necessary to get an answer. Pause for a moment, and if no one fills in the silence with an opinion, continue with your story.
Don’t begin the opener by saying “I’m sorry,” “Excuse me,” or “Pardon me, but.” Sure, your family raised you to be polite, but starting a conversation this way makes you sound insecure at best and like a panhandler at worst. Where men are initially attracted to beauty, most women are initially attracted to status. And a man of high status never apologizes for his presence.