Rules of the Game

by Neil Strauss

  8.

  Don’t lean in or hover over her. Stand up straight and, if the music’s too loud or she’s seated, simply speak up.

  9.

  Don’t initially ask what her name is, what she does for a living, or where she’s from. She’s bored of talking about the same things with every new guy she meets.

  10.

  Don’t focus all your attention on her when she’s with other people. If you win over her friends, you’ll win her.

  11.

  Don’t be afraid to violate any of these guidelines once you understand them and why they exist.

  MISSION 1: Sewing a Conversation

  So far, you’ve learned a sequence of things to say and do when meeting a woman. It’s now time to find out how to stitch it all together and leave her wanting more.

  Your mission: Read the Day 18 Briefing on the four secrets of compelling conversation before moving on to the next assignment.

  MISSION 2: Think Fast

  In improvisational comedy, there’s an exercise called the herald. To begin a herald, an actor asks the audience to suggest a word. As soon as an audience member offers one, the actor tells a true story from his life based on that random suggestion.

  The story doesn’t literally have to be about the word: It can simply be something that the word suggests or reminds him of. For example, if the audience member says “clown,” the monologist can share a memory about his first time visiting the circus, about acting like a class clown in high school, or even about something that made him extremely happy or sad one day.

  Afterward, the rest of the actors onstage improvise scenes based on his story; words or details in his story; or ideas his story suggests.

  Your assignment is to try something similar at home: Practice spontaneously sharing true stories from your life based on one-word suggestions.

  There are two ways to do this:

  Get together with a friend and take turns giving each other random words to elicit stories. It’s important to start telling the story immediately, without waiting longer than ten seconds.

  Go to www.stylelife.com/challenge. I’ve created a random word generator there. Base a story on the random word presented by the generator. Make sure you recite the story out loud.

  Practice this exercise until you feel confident spinning a story on the spot, with a definite beginning, middle, and end, based on an arbitrary word. If you’re having trouble, reread your storytelling tips from Day 12.

  The goal is to develop the ability to continue a conversation effortlessly using whatever material the woman you’re speaking to gives you. Every concrete word she says is a hook you can choose to pull and stretch into a story or further conversation.

  MISSION 3: Multiple Thread Mission

  Today’s field assignment is to practice creating the open loops and multiple threads you read about in today’s briefing. You’re going to do this by going out and delivering an opener. This time, though, before you finish discussing the opener, start another thread.

  For example, if you’re delivering the shady friend opener and you want to open a new thread, all you need to do is make a spontaneous observation or excited comment. You can interject, “By the way, I have to ask, why are you wearing a ring on that particular finger?” Or you can say, “Before we get to that, you’ll never believe what just happened on the way here.”

  Possible threads include: one of the stories you developed on Day 12, another opener, an observation about her or something in the environment, a spontaneous story inspired by something she said, or a value demonstration like the rings routine or the social styles personality assessment.

  Don’t worry if this feels awkward or initially makes it seem like you have attention deficit disorder. Just approach and open, and you’ll find that starting another thread will come easily once you have your mind set on it.

  Your assignment is complete once you’ve approached two groups and successfully interrupted each opener with a second thread.

  Note that creating open loops during your opener isn’t a necessary part of most walk-ups. However, it is important to practice doing it today.

  Loops

  The story collection 1001 Arabian Nights begins with King Shahryar’s discovery that his wife has been unfaithful. He kills her and declares that he can no longer trust any woman. From then on, he marries a different woman each day, spends the night with her, then executes her in the morning before she can cheat on him.

  This reign of paranoid terror continues until one day he marries his match. Her name is Scheherazade. She knows that the king is planning to kill her in the morning. So on her first night with him, she starts telling a story. But just as the story reaches its climax, dawn breaks, and she stops at a cliffhanger and promises to continue the story the next night.

  Curious to hear how the story ends, the king decides not to kill her that morning. And so it continues for night after night of cliffhangers, until Scheherazade has borne the king three sons, convinced him that she is faithful, and won his heart.

  The principle Scheherazade employs is one known in the psychological field of neurolinguistic programming as open loops.

  Simply put, creating an open loop means leaving a story or thought unfinished. This is the reason that TV series like Lost are so successful. Every week, these shows add more and more open loops to the plot, leaving viewers anxious for resolution on dozens of different mysteries.

  When I was first learning seduction, if I wanted to get a woman’s phone number or email address, I’d begin a value demonstration like the rings routine. But before I could finish it, I’d say I have to go meet friends or I’d have a friend pull me away. This way, if she wanted to hear what the rings on her fingers meant, she’d have to talk to me again.

  Hooks

  When talking with a woman you’ve just met, whenever she speaks, imagine the sentence or comment as a long horizontal string. Then imagine that there’s a hook hanging down from each major word in that sentence. You have the option of pulling on any one of those hooks to start a new conversational thread.

  Even a mundane line like “I’ve been working as a paralegal for six months” offers multiple hooks you could pull. You might tell any law-related stories you know; find out what she was doing before getting the job; ask about the office where she works; ask what exactly a paralegal does; tell her a story about one of your worst or best jobs; ask her opinion on a recent trial in the news; discuss the challenges of surviving law school; find out if she’s new in town; or tell her to quit her job because you can get her a position as chief counsel in your little brother’s lawn mowing business.

  Even though she’s hardly given you any information, she’s created an endless array of hooks for you to pull on. And you can turn any of them into stories or humorous disqualifiers. To be a winning conversationalist, you generally want to grab the least obvious but most interesting hook.

  Hooks also work in reverse. Instead of asking a woman questions, you can leave dangling hooks in your own conversation, selectively leaving out specific information in a way that compels her to ask you about your life. For example, if you say, “Back where I’m from, we don’t do that kind of thing,” she’s bound to ask where you’re from. Saying “Well, that may be true, unless you’re in my line of work” will lead her to ask what you do. And now she seems to be chasing you.

  Threads

  Simply put, a thread is a single topic of conversation. For example, if you approach a group of women and deliver the shady friend opener, the thread would be the topic of jealous girlfriends. After ten minutes, though, that thread will start to wear thin. And if, in an act of desperation, you attempt to prolong the conversation by asking, “Well, what about girls who are friends with their ex-boyfriends?” it will seem as if you have nothing else to talk about.

  The way to prevent this is to avoid focusing a conversation on only one topic and beating it into the ground. Instead, weave in several topics or stories at once, so that
, like Scheherazade, you leave your audience captivated and wanting more. Juggling multiple open loops in a conversation will create the impression that you and the person you met have a lot to talk about.

  Here’s an example of creating a second thread during an opener, based on material generated during the Challenge by one of your colleagues.

  YOU: Hey, maybe you can help us settle a debate. Was there a fireman in the Village People?

  HER: I don’t know. There was a construction worker and some leather guy.

  YOU: Yeah, there were five of them. And we can only figure out like, four: There’s a cop, an Indian… By the way, really quickly, before I get to that, I just noticed your bracelet. My sister bought herself one just like it for her birthday.

  HER: Thanks. This was a present too, actually.

  YOU: Yeah, I always find it funny when people buy themselves presents for their birthdays. I mean, that doesn’t count. Like one time, for my twentieth birthday…

  Rather than talking for ten minutes about the Village People, you’ve started a second conversation in the middle of the opener. So when you’re done talking about bracelets and presents, you can avoid an awkward silence by returning to the open loop about the Village People.

  The most natural way to add a new thread to a conversation is by spontaneously noticing something new and getting more excited about it than what you were originally talking about.

  This may sound artificial, but it happens all the time. Perhaps you’re talking to a friend about a woman you met at the bank, but as soon as you name the bank, he interrupts to mention that he has a massive crush on a teller there. Or you’re in the middle of a story, an ex-girlfriend suddenly walks past, and you pause to point her out to your friend.

  Simply being aware of how to use loops, hooks, and threads can enhance your ability to make a deeper and more exciting connection with someone you’ve just met. They help create instant rapport, prevent potentially fatal pauses in conversation, and leave her with the impression that you two have a lot to talk about.

  The Fourth Secret

  Don’t forget the moral of 1001 Arabian Nights. As a species, we thrive on stories and suspense. So experiment with leaving routines unfinished, stories cut off at cliffhangers, and unresolved questions lingering in her head.

  It can be as simple as saying, “There are three things I’m attracted to in other people, but I can’t tell you the third thing yet because I don’t know you well enough.”

  You can always choose to close the loop later in the conversation, during a future phone call or meeting, or never. If you leave her wanting more, you’ll leave her wanting to see you again.

  Finally you may be wondering about the fourth secret to compelling conversation? And I’d like to share that with you. Sometime.

  MISSION 1: Fill Up Your Calendar

  Pull out your Stylelife calendar—or print or copy a new one.

  Fill in activities on the calendar—as well as selling points and reasons to go to each event—for today and the following six days. The items can be anything from restaurants to concerts to parties to roadside attractions to the psychic you went to on Day 15.

  Familiarize yourself with the activities, the dates you listed them on, and the reasons for going.

  MISSION 2: Seeding

  You’re now ready to begin the process of comfortably getting a woman’s phone number.

  Your first step: Turn to the Day 19 Briefing and read the short article on seeding.

  MISSION 3: Seeding Mission

  Seed three conversations today with an event from your calendar.

  Two of these conversations can be with people you already know. However, at least one must be with a woman you’ve approached using one of your openers.

  It isn’t necessary to invite her to the event at the end of the conversation. The goal of today’s exercise is not to get a phone number or a date (although if that does happen, great). The goal is simply to practice sprinkling a casual conversation with the seed for a future meeting.

  Asking for a phone number can be one of the most difficult parts of an interaction with a woman you’ve just met. If she declines to give you her number, or instead asks for yours because she claims she doesn’t give her phone number to guys, then all your previous efforts to build a connection with her have been in vain.

  Even if she likes you, she may still refuse to give you her phone number the first time you ask. This is what’s called an automatic or autopilot response: After experiencing repeated clumsy pickup attempts, many women have lines they use, almost by instinct, to politely decline requests for their phone number.

  So what’s the solution?

  Don’t ask for the phone number at all.

  Today and tomorrow, you’ll learn the two keys to exchanging phone numbers without asking.

  The first key is seeding, a technique in which you mention a tempting event but do not immediately invite the woman to attend. For example, casually mention a party you’re going to, talk about how cool it’s going to be, and move on to other topics. Then, later in the interaction, before you’re about to leave, decide to invite her to come along.

  At some point in conversation with a woman I’ve met, I may mention my favorite local chef:

  “You remember the Soup Nazi episode of Seinfeld? Well, this guy is the Sushi Nazi. His menu is only two words, ‘Trust me,’ and he just serves you what he wants. If you don’t eat it in one bite, he’ll stop serving you. If you dip it in soy sauce when he asks you not to, he’ll cut you off. And if you dare ask for Americanized sushi, like a California roll, he’ll chew you out and kick you out. But it’s worth it, because the sushi literally melts in your mouth. The guy is an artist. He never smiles. He’s just driven by some compulsion to make the best sushi in the world.”

  After I tell the story, I may even mention that I’m going there with friends on Thursday night. The obvious and expected next step would be to ask her immediately to join us. But because it’s so obvious, I don’t do it. I move on to other subjects and let her wonder why she wasn’t invited. Only at the last minute do I turn to her and say, “Hey, you know what, you should come to the Sushi Nazi with us on Thursday.”

  Sure, maybe I could have invited her when I first mentioned the restaurant; maybe she would even have said yes. But the point of the game is to eliminate the word maybe as much as possible from interactions with women.

  Seeding helps to increase the odds of her saying yes, by avoiding the kind of pressure she might feel when confronted with a sudden invitation—pressure that often triggers a negative autopilot response. Mentioning the event, and then allowing her time to think about whether she wants to go before you get around to inviting her, gives her a chance to come to an affirmative decision on her own. Especially if you’ve continued to display more great personality, value, and non-neediness along the way. In addition, as you learned on disqualification day, not inviting her when you first mention the event will only increase her desire to go.

  Having a pretext for getting together again and a plan set in stone also drastically reduce the chances that she’ll flake. Even if she’s not sure about you yet, she’s more likely to come along anyway, just for the experience. Tagging along with a small group of interesting people to experience the best sushi in the world or check out the funniest comedian who ever lived or go to the coolest dive bar in town is a lot more tempting than just “going for coffee” or “getting together to talk sometime,” which is how many guys ask women out. And compared to an actual date, in which she’s trapped all night with a stranger with high expectations, your low-pressure event is a much more appealing option.

  Make sure you avoid seeding with events that are complex, far away, or longer than a few hours. People are less likely to say yes to something if the cost of commitment is high.

  Once you start seeding compelling plans into a conversation, the phone number exchange and the next meeting will occur effortlessly. Especially after you complete tomorro
w’s missions.

  MISSION 1: The Way to Digits

  The sole focus of today is the second part of the phone number exchange. So read your Day 20 Briefing and learn this useful, mostly wordless, and nearly rejection-free companion piece to seeding before moving on to Mission 2.

  MISSION 2: Approach, Seed, and Exchange

  Approach women today using the material you’ve learned so far.

  Seed each conversation with a plan from your calendar, as you did yesterday.

  If you hit the hook point, attempt the number close you learned today before ending the conversation.

  Your mission is complete after you’ve either received one telephone number or approached five women. Whichever happens first.

  There are four things every Challenger should carry in his pockets at all times:

  gum or mints to eliminate bad breath.

  a pen to write down information.

  paper—ideally business cards, even if they’re someone else’s.

  condoms, because if you want to stay in the game, you have to play safe.

  Yesterday you learned how to seed a plan into a conversation. The next step is to return to the topic when you’re ending the interaction.

  For example, just when the conversation is at a high point and you’re about to leave, throw in something like the following, almost as an afterthought: “And make sure you check out the Sushi Nazi sometime.” Short pause. “Actually, you should come along with us on Thursday because then I can finish telling you about the personality types we were discussing.”