She looked out at the hot glistening day but, wound up inside, could not appreciate it. Despite her discomfort, she knew that she alone must be the one to decide her fate, not Clifford, not her mother, and definitely not Jay. She attempted to pack the bag, but why was it that items that had easily fitted in when she had left Dottie’s house didn’t fit in now? She took everything out and began again, then, once it was done, slipped in the wallet Jay had left for her. Although her instinct had been to throw it and its contents down the first well she passed, common sense had prevailed. Though she didn’t want to be beholden to Jay, she might well need it.
Just as she zipped up her bag Dev opened the door. He looked different again, perhaps a little more vulnerable and certainly more diffident than before.
‘Could we talk?’ he said.
She frowned.
‘Not much to say, is there?’ she said, wanting to avoid spending time with him. While she had not enjoyed his contempt for the British when they’d met before, she did understand it, but this was not the time to argue the case for colonial departure or otherwise. In any case she pretty much agreed with him now.
He held up a hand. ‘I’m afraid there is.’
‘Oh?’
‘Let’s get some coffee and go on the terrace.’ She thought for a moment. With her emotions in turmoil, sharing a coffee with Dev did not appeal, yet she found herself agreeing. She couldn’t quite pinpoint what she saw in his eyes as he stood watching, but as she batted away a fly buzzing at her hairline, she wondered if it might be guilt.
They made their way to the terrace and, after a servant had brought out their coffee, she could see that something in Dev had changed. He looked smaller somehow and a little lost.
‘You have never liked me,’ she said.
‘It wasn’t you. I …’ He paused.
‘Then what?’
He hung his head for a moment or two and when he gazed up at her she saw his eyes were ringed with fatigue. ‘I really don’t know how to say this,’ he said in a terribly miserable tone of voice.
She smiled. ‘I have found that it is best to just come out with difficult things, whatever they are.’
As he inclined his head she wondered what could be so difficult.
‘I may have told you my father died,’ he said. ‘Well …’ He paused.
‘You said he wasn’t around,’ she prompted. ‘That it was just you and your mother.’
‘He did something, but for years and years I could never really face it. Then you arrived on the scene and, when I had to face you, it brought everything back.’
‘You’re not making any sense. I know Jay told me your father had been in trouble.’
Dev shook his head, then glanced across at the overgrown garden. ‘He ran away. We never knew where. Still don’t.’
‘But how is that anything to do with me?’
There was a long silence, during which Eliza fidgeted and Dev stared morosely at his fingers.
‘So?’ she eventually said.
Still nothing. She began to get to her feet.
‘No, wait,’ he said.
She looked at him. ‘For goodness’ sake, spit it out.’
‘Where will you go?’ he asked, indicating her packed bag.
‘I thought maybe Jaipore, take a few photographs of the pink city. I also have to go back to retrieve as much of my equipment as I can.’
He stared at her as if he hadn’t heard a word and then he spoke again. ‘It was my father who threw the bomb that killed your father.’
She sat down with a thud. ‘Say that again.’
‘My father killed your father. I’m so sorry, Eliza.’ He had spoken tonelessly, so much so that she had struggled to make sense of his words.
‘Are you sure?’
This was the strangest conversation she’d ever experienced, and with her heartbeat wildly fluctuating she pressed her palm against her chest. What was this? What did he mean? Her mind went shooting off, so that she hardly knew what to think or how to feel. The desert spun around her and though the clarity was missing, a chilly sensation on her skin told her that there was truth at the heart of this.
Still. ‘That can’t be right,’ she said.
He nodded and looked at her so sadly that she almost reached out to comfort him, almost but not quite. Why was he saying this? Was it to undermine her? How was she supposed to respond? My father killed your father. My father. Your father. The words echoed in her head.
Eventually she found her voice. ‘How long have you known?’
‘That he threw the bomb? A few years, though I was told never to speak of it.’
‘I meant how long have you known who I was.’
‘Since Jay told me what had happened to your father.’ He shook his head. ‘As a child I needed to blame somebody for my father’s absence, so I blamed the man he killed. I told myself he shouldn’t have been in the way. Convinced myself it hadn’t been my father’s fault. Crazy I know, but back then it was the only way I could handle it.’
‘And then when I came here?’
‘It was as if the logic I had built up instantly crumbled. My father was a murderer and yours was dead.’
They remained silent for some minutes while Eliza allowed it all to sink in. After all this time …
‘You never heard from him again?’ she finally said.
‘Nothing.’
‘How did you know it was he who had done it? Was there proof? Maybe it was just rumour or conjecture.’
‘One of the other conspirators informed my mother so that she would understand why he had had to flee. She explained most of it to me but told me he had gone because the British wanted to hang him. Only later did she really explain why.’
He sat looking so troubled that she had no option but to try and say something comforting, even though it seemed the wrong way round.
‘Look Dev, you are not your father.’
‘I don’t know. I found out the whole truth when I was about thirteen or fourteen and sometimes I feel as if I must continue what he started. Then, when Chatur wanted my help, I knew it was wrong but I also felt sure it wouldn’t stick and nothing would happen to Jay.’
‘But he was arrested.’
‘That was when I realized what an idiot I’d been and told Chatur I would reveal his involvement if he didn’t persuade Clifford to release Jay.’
‘And your own involvement would come to light too?’
‘Yes. But there’s more. Chatur knew, Eliza. Both he and Clifford knew about my father and Chatur threatened to tell you if I didn’t help him. I felt ashamed. I didn’t want any more people knowing, but I was also frightened for my father. That was why I really helped Chatur.’
‘And he went to Clifford? Admitted that you were behind the pamphlets and not Jay? That it had been a mistake?’
‘Yes, and he also explained that I’d never intended to distribute them and made out that it had just been a stupid prank on my part.’
‘Clifford didn’t arrest you.’
‘No. Jay arranged for me to come here.’
‘Why are you telling me now?’
‘Because you will be gone and the chance might never arise again. I really thought you should know, and I suppose I needed to get it off my chest.’
‘You know I saw what happened?’
He nodded. ‘I’m so sorry.’
In some odd way she knew she must reach out and squeeze his hand and, when she did, she was rewarded with a smile of complete sincerity. But she couldn’t help thinking Clifford should have been the one to tell her. She would certainly call on him when she returned to Juraipore. Clifford had concealed the truth about who had been behind the bombing in Delhi all those years before and she wasn’t going to let him get off scot-free.
35
The driver and car Jay had arranged back in Udaipore to take her to his palace were still at her disposal and, as she sat on the terrace, after Dev had gone, she decided to stay one more day. Dev’s confession
had cleared her mind and, as she stared at the sun-drenched landscape that lay quivering in the heat, she felt terribly sorry for what he had suffered as a child. But she was glad he had told her, and couldn’t help feel as if the loose ends surrounding her father’s death had at last been tied up. The morning had taken on a strange, unreal quality and, despite the rains, the atmosphere remained oppressive.
She wandered indoors, passed through a corridor with lacy, latticed marble screens, put down her bag, and went back to the grand room with the high windows, where the light streaming in from above gave the impression that the ceiling was actually the sky. So much had happened since Jay had first shown her this place, and she had to admit that she found it hard to leave. The walls were glowing golden and it was easy to imagine the grand old days when this had been an escape for the royal family. But Eliza knew Jay did not have the funds to restore the palace and that he had put everything into the water project. She was about to retrieve her bag containing the new Leica Clifford had given her when she saw Jay standing in the doorway.
‘I didn’t think you’d be here so soon,’ she said. ‘I thought you’d be at the Juraipore castle for longer.’
‘Well, as you can see I am here,’ he said. ‘I’m glad I found you. I have managed to collect all your equipment from the castle and it will arrive this afternoon.’
She didn’t speak, but looked at the air just above his head. Why was he talking as if everything was normal between them? Everything stilled and the air seemed to leave the room, leaving only heat.
‘Eliza?’
‘Thank you,’ she said, her voice stiff. ‘So the fire really was a fabrication.’
He nodded, then took a few steps towards her and, though she wanted to back off, she stood firm. ‘How was your journey?’ she said.
Up went his eyebrows. ‘Must we be so British? Aren’t there more important things to discuss?’
‘You tell me.’
‘Ah.’
They stared at each other until she finally broke the silence. ‘So, are you to be Maharajah?’
He nodded.
‘I see. Very well. I was just about to pick up my bag. If you could arrange for my equipment to be sent on, I would be very grateful.’ She had not been able to keep a half-resentful tone out of her voice and she turned her back and began to walk off, but she heard him come up behind her.
‘Eliza.’ He reached for her hand but as she twisted round to look at him she shook him off.
‘I trusted you, Jay. I have never really trusted anyone, but I trusted you.’
‘You can trust me.’
She steeled herself to ignore the hungry expression in his eyes as he carried on speaking.
‘You knew I might have to take over if anything happened to Anish.’
‘Yes, I did. Silly of me to think anything had changed. Now, if you don’t mind, I need to get going.’
‘Eliza. It’s different here. You know that. Personal desires do not come first, duty does.’
‘Well, don’t worry. This personal desire is going to make it easy for you.’
‘Hear me out,’ he said. ‘There’s more.’
‘What more could there be, Jay? It’s all perfectly clear.’
He almost seemed to wince as he shook his head. ‘Stay here. Live here. I don’t want you to leave. I’ll be here as often as I can.’
Something hardened inside her and her jaw tensed. ‘I won’t be your concubine.’
‘I’m not asking for that.’
‘So exactly what are you asking? You know full well you’ll have to marry a non-European in order to have legitimate heirs.’ She knew she sounded bitter but she didn’t care.
There was no reply.
‘You think I’ll live here for the rest of my life,’ she continued, ‘just waiting for your ever-decreasing visits?’
He looked thoughtful as he replied. ‘I think you will have a beautiful place to live, a water project to manage if you wish, and a career as a photographer too.’
It was her turn to shake her head. ‘Why didn’t you tell me about Dev’s father?’
‘I believed it would upset you too much.’
‘Turn me against Dev, more like.’
‘And maybe a bit of that too. Look, what if I make over the entire place to you? Think, Eliza, you could own all this.’ He made a sweeping gesture with his arm.
‘You really believe you can buy me?’
‘For heaven’s sake, Eliza. You must know I didn’t mean it like that. I just don’t want to lose you.’
She sniffed at the air. ‘Jay, you have already lost me. We have lost each other.’ She stopped, and they were silent now. While she really wanted to be angry and flounce off, driven by her own righteousness, she simply could not.
‘I’ll never forget you, Jay, and I’ll always love you, but this was never meant to be. I think if we are honest, we have always known that.’ And now she held out a hand to him. He took it and pulled her close, and then he held her in his arms for the very last time. When they drew apart, tears blurred her vision and she saw that his eyes were moist too, and though she was tempted to soften, she forced herself to stay firm. Nothing good could come of staying. It might work at first, but over time it never could. She must start as she meant to go on; and the more she was able to control her emotions, the stronger she would be.
‘You are a wonderful person, Eliza. Please don’t ever forget that.’
She kept her eyes on his troubled face. ‘I’ll send word to Laxmi to let you know where to send my equipment.’
‘Where do you think you’ll go?’
‘I need to see Clifford first, but after that Jaipore and then, well, I’ll mount the exhibition if I can get hold of enough prints. It’ll be earlier than I originally intended, and after that I’ll probably have to go to England. I don’t know yet.’
‘You have the wallet I left you in Udaipore?’
She nodded. ‘I didn’t want to take it, but I see now I may need it to pay for the mounting and framing.’
‘If there is ever anything. Anything at all, you will only have to say.’
He stopped speaking and she smiled at him through her tears, then turned on her heels and left. It made her feel sadder than she had ever felt, but there was no point postponing the moment.
36
When Eliza arrived at Dottie’s house she was surprised to see cases and trunks piled up in the front garden and all the curtains closed. Dottie, bent over and counting the cases, looked frazzled, her hair falling loose from its pins and her cheeks red, but when she spotted Eliza, she straightened up and managed to smile.
‘What’s going on?’ Eliza asked.
Dottie sighed deeply and brushed a few strands of hair from her eyes. ‘We are being transferred.’
Eliza was puzzled. ‘But why so soon? You haven’t been here that long. I thought you’d be here for the duration.’
‘There are rumours that Anish died because of the treatment my husband advised.’
Eliza snorted. ‘That’s ridiculous. He died because he was grossly overweight and downright lazy.’
Dottie shrugged. ‘Either way, we are heading south. There was a time not so long ago that a doctor’s word was law. Now it seems we can be removed at the drop of a hat. Anyway, enough of me. What about you?’
Eliza drew breath before speaking. She had practised the words, but that didn’t make them any easier to say now.
‘It’s over with Jay.’
She watched Dottie’s reaction, which appeared to be a mixture of pity and relief.
‘And Clifford?’ Dottie asked with a sad look. ‘He’s been lost without you.’
Eliza shook her head. ‘I won’t be going back to Clifford, but I do need to speak with him. Is he in, do you know?’ She glanced across at Clifford’s villa.
‘I saw a car pull up earlier but I was a bit distracted.’ She indicated the cases strewn around the place. ‘We lost some valuables when we first moved up here and I really don
’t want it to happen again.’
‘I’d better not hold you up, then, but I can lend a hand if you like.’
‘Don’t worry. It’s all under control.’ Dottie took a step away and looked up at the house. ‘It is a pity, though. This is the nicest place I’ve ever lived. I’ll miss it and I’ll miss you too.’
She held out her arms and the two women embraced.
‘I wish I could stay,’ Dottie said as they parted. ‘It’s hard being a wife. Just when you start to put down roots, your husband’s career digs them up again. The men don’t mind. They have their work and the club. And I suppose it helps if you have children, but for me –’
‘Oh Dottie, I wish I could help.’
Dottie shook her head. ‘Whatever happens, Eliza, hold tight to your work.’
Eliza nodded. ‘Thanks for everything. Keep in touch, won’t you?’
Dottie smiled. ‘Clifford will give you our new address. Take care, and good luck. I’ve loved getting to know you. You promise you’ll carry on with your photography?’
‘You bet.’
After Dottie had gone back indoors, Eliza walked across to the garden gate, a side entrance to Clifford’s place. She didn’t want to knock at the front door, rather she wanted to surprise him, hoping it would give her the advantage in what might well be a tricky exchange. She glanced up at the brilliance of the sky, shading her eyes as she did. As a child in India, cloud-spotting had been a game she and her father had used to play. Today, not a cloud in sight.
As she opened the gate it squeaked loudly and she saw straight away that Clifford was in the garden and had heard her. He stood, watering can in hand, immobile, almost as if frozen to the spot.
‘Hello, Clifford,’ she said, aware of a growing feeling of apprehension.
He seemed to collect himself and took a few steps towards her. ‘I wasn’t expecting to see you.’
She noticed that his cheeks had coloured and a flush was spreading down his neck. ‘I don’t suppose you were.’
He gave her a half smile. ‘Are you back?’
‘For good? No.’
‘Ah … then?’
‘Could we sit in the shade? It’s rather hot standing like this in the sun.’
Before the Rains Page 30