by Grey, Priya
I feel tension forming in my chest. That queasy sensation in my stomach grows.
I don’t want to deal with the negative comments, the hurtful statements about my appearance. Sure, people say not to pay attention to them. But with Twitter and Facebook, they’re always there, just a click away. I’m not strong enough to face all of that. Not yet. I’m not ready. I know Kade said ‘you’re never ready’, but my body is going into full-blown panic mode as I contemplate stepping on stage.
I feel like I’m about to vomit.
“Are you okay, Melody?” Randy asks.
I look at her and shout. “Leave!”
Randy looks at me, shocked. She slowly walks to the door.
Once she’s gone, I stare at my reflection. I’m still wearing my mask, even though my last surgery has helped with most of the scarring. I’m just not comfortable taking it off in front of anyone… but him. Randy says the label doesn’t care if I wear the mask. They think it lends gravitas to my show.
The show.
I can’t put on a show.
Not in front of all those people.
The thought brings on another wave of nausea, and that tightness in my chest intensifies. I try to calm down and control my breathing.
God, I wish he were here. Ever since our last phone conversation, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. He’s the only thing that seems real to me anymore. When I was with him, it was the only time I felt grounded and not afraid.
There’s a knock at the door. “Five minutes,” someone shouts.
I turn back to the mirror and fidget with my mask. My hands are shaking. I don’t think I can go through with this. I don’t think I can face them – all of them – staring at me. I start getting the shivers, and my whole body breaks out in a sweat. My breath catches in my throat.
“Four minutes,” someone shouts.
The room begins to spin, my vision blurs.
There’s another knock at the door. “Melody, do you need anything?”
I turn and see Suzie. I wave her to come in. She closes the door behind her.
“I can’t breath,” I manage to get out.
She rushes to my side. She kneels down and grabs my hands. She looks me straight in the eyes.
“You’re having a panic attack,” she says calmly.
“No shit,” I say, still struggling for air.
“Look at me, Melody. Just take deep breaths with me. Here we go, one…”
Suzie takes a deep breath and I try to follow her, but then I shake my head.
“I can’t do this, Suzie. I can’t go out there.”
“I know this is scary, Melody. But you can do this.”
I vigorously shake my head. I feel myself tearing up, near hysterics.
“I can’t.”
“Yes -”
“I can’t!” I shout. I beg her, “Please, Suzie. Get me out of here. Please.”
She looks at me, concerned. “Are you sure, Melody?”
I nod. “I just want to go home,” I cry. I sound like a scared little girl – which at this moment is exactly what I am.
“But there’s a whole crowd – ”
“I don’t care,” I say, cutting her off. “I can’t face them. I’m not ready.”
Suzie looks at me and realizes how serious this is. “Okay,” she says softly. “There’s going to be hell to pay but grab my arm.”
Suzie helps me up, out of the chair. She grabs some of my things and walks me out of the dressing room.
She takes me home.
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
I'm curled up in bed, under the sheets. Mingus is by my side. I gently stroke his belly as I hear Randy and Suzie arguing outside my bedroom door.
“This is important. I need to talk to her.”
“She needs her rest,” I hear Suzie reply. “Can’t we just deal with this tomorrow?”
Randy loses her temper. “We have 17,000 concert-goers demanding their money back!” I hear her shout. “We're all over the news! I just got off the phone with Jack at the label.”
“What did he say?” Suzie asks, her tone worried.
“They're suing,” snaps Randy. “They want Melody to be financially responsible for the loss of revenue tonight and any subsequent shows. Do you know how much tonight cost her? Four million dollars. We owe the label four million dollars! If Melody cancels the remainder of the shows – ”
“I know,” Suzie replies.
“That’s almost fifty million dollars she’s going to owe them!”
“I get it!” shouts Suzie. “I can do the math.”
I slowly rub Mingus’s back. He turns and licks my mask.
“We have to get her back on stage,” Randy says, exasperated.
“Well, we can’t drag her out there, Randy. She was in a full-blown panic attack in the dressing room. There was no way she was going to perform. I’ve never seen her like that…”
They keep talking but I zone out. My body is numb. I just want to stay under these bed sheets forever. Mingus stops licking my mask and rests his head on my shoulder.
“Can we stay here forever, Mingus?”
Mingus huffs.
Then there’s a knock at the door.
“Melody, I’m coming in,” Randy says.
The bedroom door opens and Randy steps in, followed by Suzie. I turn away from Mingus and look at her. She’s trying her best to hide her disappointment in me, but it’s not working.
“I’m sorry, Randy,” I say. “I just couldn’t go out there.”
“But why?” she asks. “They all wanted you. They love the new songs. You were going to perform wearing the mask.”
“I don't know. I just couldn't do it,” I declare.
“If we don’t work through this, Melody,” says Randy, her voice now filled with concern. “You could go bankrupt. The label is going to hold you financially responsible for all the missed shows.”
The thought frightens me. But not as much as stepping out on stage does.
I look at Randy and concede, “I think you should stop representing me, Randy. Because I’m finished.”
“Really?” she replies.
I nod slowly.
Randy sighs. “I’m not giving up on you that easily. I’ll come back tomorrow. Get some rest.”
Suzie walks Randy out. I stay in bed, cuddling Mingus in my arms. I know I’m being a coward. But I’d rather die than go through what I experienced tonight… again.
Suzie knocks lightly on the bedroom door.
“What is it?”
She steps in and takes a seat on the bed. She looks at me, her eyes reflecting her worry.
“Can I get you anything?” she asks.
I shake my head. “I’m okay. You can go home.”
She doesn’t move. She glances at the ground, thinking.
“What is it?”
She shrugs. “I think you should call Kade.”
I’m surprised to hear Suzie mention his name.
“Why?”
“He’s the only one who’s helped you get your confidence back. Maybe he can help you get over this hurdle.”
“Suzie, you were there when we discussed this. We all agreed it was best to cut ties with him – for my reputation and his own peace of mind.”
Suzie looks at me, her face serious. “After what happened tonight, your reputation doesn’t matter, Melody. What matters is getting you out on stage. Randy’s not exaggerating. You could owe the label fifty million dollars.” She takes my hand and squeezes it. She looks me straight in the eyes. I see how genuine her concern for me is. “Melody, I can’t imagine how scary this is for you. But we have to do something. I don’t want to watch you lose everything you’ve worked so hard for. You have to get over this fear and maybe Kade can help.”
“The escort comes to the rescue,” I reply sarcastically.
“I realize, now, he was much more than that,” Suzie admits.
“He was,” I reply. “That’s why I hate myself for ending it wit
h him. It was the worst thing I’ve ever done.”
Suzie lets go of my hand and stands up. “All I know, Melody, is that the clock is ticking. Maybe having Kade in your corner will help you.”
“So, I just ring him up and ask if I can hire him again? See if he wants to go on tour with me, so I can overcome a serious case of stage fright?”
Suzie shrugs. “Maybe. Who knows? He might actually want to help. And besides, do you have any other ideas? Because if we don’t do anything, you’re going to be finished.” She looks at me, and I see tears forming in her eyes. “And I really don’t want to work for anyone else, Melody.”
She turns away, embarrassed. “I’m sorry. But it’s true. You’re my best friend, and I love you. I don’t like seeing you like this.”
Wiping her eyes, she walks out of the room.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
I call Kade’s cellphone; but it goes straight to voicemail. I try again a few hours later, same thing. The following day, I call again and get an automated message: this mailbox is full. Did Kade lose his cell phone? Is that why he's not answering? Then a worrisome thought enters my mind: maybe something happened to him. I try to shove the thought away. I tell myself I'm overreacting. But that sense of worry creeps back into my stomach.
I lift Mingus into my arms and begin nervously pacing my house. “He's fine,” I mutter out loud. “Just because his voicemail is full doesn't mean something happened to him.”
Mingus barks.
“Don't say that,” I respond.
He barks again.
I stop pacing and look at him, annoyed. “Shit Mingus, why’d you have to say that?”
He lets out a series of barks this time, getting his point across clearly.
“You're right. You're right,” I concede. “I don't have a good feeling about this either.”
Carrying Mingus in my arms, I hurry into the kitchen. I grab my keys from the kitchen counter and walk to my backdoor. I take a deep breath and open it.
“You better be alright, Kade,” I ramble as I step into the sunlight. Sliding into my car, I place Mingus in the passenger seat. I stare at the gate at the end of my driveway. I place my sunglasses over my mask.
“Here we go.” I start up the car and roll it toward the gate. I press the button on my remote. Just as I feared, as the gate slides open, a wave of reporters block my path with their cameras pointed straight at me. A cacophony erupts. Everyone wants to talk to me about canceling my show. The hysterical crowd shouts several questions at me. Then the reporters swarm my car, yelling, and shoving their cameras against my car windows. I honk my horn, trying to get them to move out of the way. Their shouting continues, and Mingus begins barking at them. It’s utter chaos. I wave at the reporters to get out of my way. I don't want to run anyone over, or hurt anyone. But they won't budge. Slowly, I ease my car forward, and the crowd finally parts. I notice several reporters running to their cars, hoping to follow me. Once I feel it is safe, and realize I don't have much time to lose them, I slam on the accelerator and take off.
I'm rushing with adrenaline. The chaos outside my house has put me on edge. And the thought that something might have happened to Kade fills me with worry. I don't know where Kade lives, so I decide to go to his gym. I punch Kade’s Cage into my phone and have the GPS direct me. In order to lose the paparazzi – that I'm sure are following me – I take several back roads.
All the commotion has excited Mingus, and he's jumping up and down in the passenger seat barking.
“I’m going as fast as I can, Mingus. I don't want to get into another accident.”
He understands and finally calms down.
I check my rearview mirror. It looks like no one is following me. I breathe a sigh of relief.
When I finally get to Kade’s gym, and pull into a parking spot, I realize how tense I am. My hands are gripping the steering wheel for dear life. “Please be in there,” I whisper out loud. If something’s happened to him – if he's gone – I don't know what I'll do. Now, it’s crystal clear just how much he means to me.
In a short amount of time, he's become the one.
The one I want to wake up to.
The one I want to support.
The one I feel blessed to have in my life.
He better be okay. Because if he's not, I'm really going to lose it. My panic attack before the concert, or the suicidal depression I felt after my car accident, will pale in comparison to the pain I'll feel if the person I have fallen in love with, the one who gives me hope, has been snatched away from me.
I slide my sweaty hands off the steering wheel. Taking another deep breath, I open my car door. I get out, and Mingus immediately jumps into my seat and barks at me. He wants to come too. I grab him and slam the car door shut. I nervously walk toward the front door of the gym.
I swing the door open and immediately begin scanning the room. The gym is packed. But among the crowd of men and women, I don't spot Kade.
Mingus lets out a series of barks. I lower him to the ground and he takes off. In a frenzy, I walk around the gym, searching for Kade.
He's not among the people wrestling on the mats. He's not one of the dudes lifting weights. I don't see him working the punching bag. As I fear the worst, my heart pounds in my chest.
Is he gone? Could something have really happened to him?
In a daze, I continue searching the gym. I make my way toward the back, where the cage is. Then I hear Mingus loudly barking.
“What the fuck?” I hear a man shout. “Dude, what the fuck is a dog doing here?”
Mingus continues barking.
“Easy there,” I hear someone say.
“Kade, he’s attacking me!”
“Grow a pair. He’s a puppy. You’ll be fine.”
I hurry toward the back of the gym. When I see the cage, I stop in my tracks. I found him.
Mingus is jumping around inside the cage. My face breaks into a smile as I watch Kade reach down and pick him up. Mingus begins licking his face. “Hey buddy,” Kade says with a grin. “You’ve missed me, huh?”
“I have too,” I say.
He looks in my direction. My heart is still pounding in my chest, but no longer with worry, with nervous excitement instead.
We stare at each other silently. He's okay. I'm so grateful he's okay.
Kade’s face softens as he looks at me. His once haunted eyes, are smiling back at me.
As I take him in, I realize how much I love him.
Kade steps out of the cage and approaches me.
“I thought something crazy happened to you, like you might be dead,” I tell him, the sense of relief still noticeable in my voice.
Kade nods with a warm smile as he stares at me. “I nearly was. But for a guy who hates talking, it turns out I’m not bad at persuading people.”
“I could have told you that,” I affirm.
Then I notice Kade’s eyes narrow as he looks past me. The hard lines on his face reappear. He hands Mingus to me and races forward.
“Hey, Melody, are you and your boyfriend back together?”
I turn and see a camera lens pointed at me. Then I see his round, bearded face smirking at me from behind the camera. It's him: Charlie.
“Come on, Melody, the people have a right to know,” he says taking a step forward, filming us.
“Leave her alone,” Kade shouts.
The paparazzi points his camera at Kade.
“There he is,” Charlie teases. “Kade Turner, Melody’s favorite escort!”
“Get out of here,” Kade barks. He shoves Charlie, and his large frame stumbles backward. But Charlie doesn't get the message. He moves forward, with his camera, and shoves it right in my face.
“Here for a quickie? Is that it, Melody? You can't perform for your fans. But you don't have a problem putting out for your boyfriend.”
“Just leave us alone,” I cry.
Mingus barks at him.
Charlie turns his camera back to Kade.
&
nbsp; “You must really need the money, huh, Kade? How much does Melody pay you to have sex with her busted up body?”
Kade turns bright red and punches Charlie in the face. The camera flies out of Charlie’s hands. He crashes to the floor. The paparazzi looks up, blood pouring out of his nose. I think Kade broke it. But Charlie doesn't look upset. In fact, he has a smile on his face. He wanted Kade to hit him!
“You just fucked yourself, dude.” He smirks, pointing his finger at Kade. “I’m suing your ass for assault.”
“Well, if that's the case,” Kade replies. “Let me really fuck you up.”
Charlie wasn't expecting that, his eyes widen with fear. He scrambles back as Kade lunges forward.
“Kade don’t,” I shout. I drop Mingus to the floor and run in between them.
“He can't talk to you like that,” Kade hisses. His eyes are on fire. “I won't let anyone ever talk to you like that.”
“Oh, I get it. He's not only your fuck toy but your bodyguard,” Charlie says as he stands up. “You get a bonus for that, Kade?”
Kade wants to take another swing at Charlie, but I press myself against him. I grab his face with both my hands and stare deeply into his eyes. “Don't Kade. He’s not worth it.” Kade’s eyes meet mine. He is full of rage. I try to calm him down. “He’s not worth it,” I repeat. His chest is heaving. He’s so angry.
Then I hear Charlie talking into his cell phone. “Yes, is this the police? I’d like to report an assault.“
I turn and stare at him. “Please, don't do that,” I beg. “Please, don't press any charges.”
Charlie shoots me a curious look. “Your boyfriend should learn to control his temper.” He begins talking into his phone, “Yes, I’m at Kade’s Cage. I’ve just been assaulted by the owner, and I’m worried for my safety.”
I can’t let this asshole press charges against Kade. This mess is my fault.
“What if I take off my mask?” I blurt.
Charlie turns and looks at me, shocked.
“Really?”
I slowly nod. “You’ll get the exclusive on two conditions: you don’t press any charges, and we never see you again.”