by Jamie Ayres
Closing the distance between us, he grabbed my hand. “Yes, I did. I missed you.”
I shut my eyes—it’d been so long since we touched. “Me, too.”
He leaned down and kissed my cheek. “So, where are you taking me tonight?”
“I’ll show you.”
Picturing the lake I visited with Riel earlier, I blinked hard and a moment later, we arrived on the dock. I set the picnic basket down so I could gesture the appropriate “Ta-da!” with my arms spread wide.
His gaze was on me, questioning. “What’s this?”
“Apparently, there’s a big old world right here at headquarters we haven’t explored yet.”
He beamed at me. “Cool.”
We stared at each other for a long minute, and inside I felt like we were saying all the things we wanted to say but for some reason couldn’t. My heart rate elevated when he leaned down to kiss me, sliding his hand out of his pocket and resting it on my hip. I lifted my own hands to his arms, his muscles tight and defined under my grip. I opened my eyes because this pressing need to look at him took over, and, startled to see his eyes open, I accidentally bit his bottom lip.
“Hey!”
“Sorry. Are you hurt?”
“We don’t feel pain anymore, remember? Well, at least not the physical kind.”
“Do you always kiss me with your eyes open?”
He flung an arm around my shoulder, steering us down the beach. Bending his head, breaths fluttered against my ear as he whispered, “Sometimes I just can’t stop myself from staring at your gorgeous face.”
I shoved him lightly. “Stop lying.”
Nate frowned. “If you don’t love yourself, how are you ever gonna love me?”
My conversations with Riel flashed in my mind. “I do love you. So much.”
He shook his head. “Then do me a solid, and repeat after me. I am a generous, kind, smart, loving and yes, beautiful, human being.”
Out of all those adjectives, human being seemed the most wrong. But I didn’t feel like repeating him anyway. Instead, I hurtled myself at him, my lips immediately finding his. I closed my eyes and kept them closed when I kissed him this time.
When he pulled away, I wondered how everything could feel so miserable and magical at the same time. Nate studied me for a moment, his ocean blue eyes wide open, like fire melting my heart. My lips crushed against his once more, the usual tenderness gone as my hands slid under his shirt to trace the hard skin there. I sensed the passion pressing us closer as his arms went around my neck, his hands gripping my hair, startling me. I wondered if spiritually binding meant we were allowed to…ugh, I didn’t want to think, I just wanted to do. I’d prove to myself and to him that I still loved him, no matter how much I still thought about Conner. I broke my lips away from Nate’s, then trailed kisses down his neck.
Nate moaned, then chuckled. “You don’t usually, wait, change that to never, attack me like this. What’s gotten into you?”
“Attack?” I felt discouraged by his choice of words and pulled away a little to study his face. Maybe he hadn’t been enjoying himself as much as I had.
He kissed the top of my head. “I don’t want to feel like I’m taking advantage of a bad situation.” Another kiss, on my eyelid this time. “Things have been… off with us lately. I think we should talk, don’t you?” And one last kiss on the tip of my nose.
Why did it feel like the kiss of death?
I nodded, letting him lead me back to the dock in silence, wondering why he was acting so mysterious all the time. What kind of boyfriend stops a heated make out session? One who’s not into you anymore.
“Shall we?” I plopped down next to the picnic basket, then pulled off my sandals before lightly kicking the tips of my toes in the water.
He sat down next to me on the edge of the pier, but not close enough for our bodies to touch. I tried to chalk that up to meaning nothing, but knew it meant everything.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him.
“Nothing.” Nate frowned, then looked at the basket. “What’s in there, anyway?”
Carefully, I unpacked our dinner, setting it out on cloth napkins I laid behind us. “We have some baguettes, some cheese, and some ham for the main meal. One hundred percent pure milk chocolate squares for dessert, and—”
“What are you playing at?”
I leaned back. “Huh?”
“Oh, like you don’t know chocolate is a natural aphrodisiac.”
Laughing, I felt my cheeks flush. “Whatever. I have a sunset picnic overlooking a beautiful lake surrounded by mountains, followed by a meteor shower. Do I really need chocolate to sweeten the deal?”
He smiled, his gaze scanning the lake. “Nope, you don’t.”
“But if I did need more reinforcements, I also have this.” I pulled out a bottle of wine. “I’ve never drank any. Have you?”
Nodding his head, he said, “Yup, but where’d you get that from?”
I unscrewed the cap. “Swiped it off the communion table. There’s hardly any of it left anyway.”
Nate shook his head like I just said the most insane thing ever. “Do you want to go to H-E-double hockey sticks?”
“Whatever. It’s not a big deal.”
“Isn’t thou shall not steal like the seventh or eighth commandment?”
I waggled my eyebrows at him. “And that’s not the only commandment I may break tonight.”
“I guess I should shut up then, if I know what’s good for me.” He grabbed the bottle and took a swig, then handed it back to me and made a sandwich. “Here you go, my lady.”
A deer sprinted across the grass in the distance as I took a bite. I couldn’t think of a more perfect setting to reaffirm our feelings for one another.
I expected Nate to fix himself a sandwich next, but instead he picked up a stray pebble on the pier and skipped the rock over the lake. Once. Twice. Three times before he blurted out, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being so distant.”
I grabbed the bottle of wine and took my first sip, wondering if I could get drunk… if alcohol could still have the same effect on our bodies here. “Yeah, but why have you been trying to put so much distance between us? I thought you were looking forward to being spirit guides together.”
He sighed, and then turned to face me. “Over the past few weeks, ever since we learned about Dr. Judy’s secret, it just seemed like there were two different sides to our relationship. I mean, I was looking forward to spending forever with you, no matter what forever entailed. But when I would hold your hand, hold you, look into your eyes… I didn’t see the same kind of love for me I saw before.” He paused for a moment, his face a wrestling match of competing emotions. “There’s all this heat between us that wasn’t there before, like just a minute ago and all those nights at headquarters in your room during our week of training, but it feels like a distraction, like you were letting yourself go so you wouldn’t have to think about something.”
I played with the cap on the wine bottle. “I thought you were having fun.”
“I was. But I also know when there’s something on your mind, and it hurts me when you keep things from me.”
The ugly truth slapped me in the face, daring me to tell him how I really felt about Conner. But I sat there and watched Nate’s face change right before me, expecting the worse, and I just couldn’t do that to him. So of course, I put up my best defense and took the attention away from me. “That system works both ways you know. You leave me in the dark about everything these days.”
He lifted his hands in the air, palms facing me. “Believe me, I know. I feel so much better now that I got that off my chest. You know I’m a bit weak, so with that on my chest, it was pretty hard to breathe.”
And there went his defense mechanism: sarcasm. And it was confirmation he was holding back information from me, too. I just didn’t know if his restraint had to do with Grace or something else.
We mainly just sat in silence the rest of the evening
. Well, not exactly silence since he’d brought his iPod with him and proceeded to play the entire Imagine Dragons album while we watched the meteor shower. As I listened to Radioactive, their song about waking up to a new age, I kept thinking how this new age felt very familiar. The first date Nate and I had was watching a meteor shower at his house. That date ended badly, because losing Conner had still felt like the apocalypse, and I just couldn’t deal.
Tonight, just like that first ‘date’, I ended up crying myself to sleep alone in my room.
History loved to repeat itself.
“It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction.
Fiction has to make sense.”
—Mark Twain
ll night I tossed and turned, worrying about where Conner was and what he might be doing and what I didn’t say to Nate the night before. At school, Nate still sat with Grace in our math class. I guessed since he took her on as a solo mission, and I’d be reassigned to someone else by next week, I didn’t need to bother with school anymore. I knew most people wouldn’t, but most people didn’t actually enjoy Algebra II and Biology like I did either.
During our ten minute break between classes, I bumped into Grace while leaving the bathroom.
“Hey.” Stay cool. Don’t act like a jealous girlfriend.
“Hey.” She coughed and shuffled to a stall.
“Wait. I was wondering, do you want to grab some lunch with me after school today?”
The way she looked at me, I could just tell she didn’t like me. “Um, Nate and I are actually skipping Biology and going to take a nap in the park, and then we’re going out to eat. I’m really tired and hungry after last night.”
Last night? The way she said those words gave me chills, alarming me to a truth I didn’t want to hear about.
“What happened last night?”
She slowly opened one of the bathroom doors. “Nothing. We were just out all night. I told him we’re allowed two absences during summer session, so we’re taking the second one today. No biggie. I’ll see ya later.”
My chills disappeared, an angry heat spreading through my core as I pictured them out together, and then him keeping that little tidbit from me.
I marched into the hallway and spotted Nate waiting on a wooden bench by the lockers. “Where were you last night?”
“Excuse me?” His eyebrows squished together.
“I went looking for you after our date.” Two could play the lying game. “You weren’t in your room, and I couldn’t find you anywhere.”
His gaze darted everywhere but me. “What are you, the RA of the spirit guide dorms now?” He laughed, like the whole thing was a joke, but he stopped after a second when he noticed my silence.
Finally, I said, “Maybe I am. Had to find something to occupy my time since you won’t let me help you. Are you gonna tell me where you were with Grace or not?”
Grace materialized in the hallway as if on cue, but thankfully maintained her distance.
“Can we do this later? Grace and I made plans, and she’s waiting.”
“You know, I’m getting really tired of that excuse. Are you just sick of me or something?”
Nate stood up. “I’m sick of you acting like I killed your dog every time I run into you.”
I shook my head. “My dog died a long time ago.”
“You’re missing the point.”
Grasping his chin between my thumb and forefinger, I forced him to look me in the eye. “No, what I’m missing is you. I mean, what is up? You’re not acting like yourself at all.”
He closed his eyes, completely shutting me out. “And you are?”
The bell rang, and Nate reached into his pocket. “Here, this is for you.”
Watching him go, I wanted to crumple up his card and hurl the envelope at him without even reading his words, but I just stood there, biting my tongue.
Deciding there was no point in going to Biology, I instead lounged on the same outside bench where I first met Grace three weeks ago and opened Nate’s card.
Olga,
Thanks for the date last night. You’ve made the last year of my ‘life’ the best ever. I want to do the same for you. You are the main reason I do everything. I don’t care if our whole year was real or not, I’ll never forget all the things we did together. No one has touched my life like you have. I hope that I can always be a part of your forever. I know life, and even death, isn’t fair. Remember when we listened to Demons by Imagine Dragons last night? The song spoke of hiding the truth to shelter someone he loved. I want to protect you so badly, Olga. I’ll do anything to accomplish that task. We all have our secrets, our demons, don’t we? Lately, I feel like you only show the best parts of yourself to me and hide the worst. But remember that I will always love all of you, with all my heart.
~Nate
What the heck? His words were so cryptic and sounded a lot like goodbye. I couldn’t decipher his hidden meaning, and I was too jacked up to sit around all day thinking about things I didn’t understand.
Sighing, I unzipped my backpack and took out the Daily Meditation Guide, hoping for inspiration. Today’s scripture came from the book of Psalms, chapter twenty, verses four and five.
“May the Lord grant you your heart’s desire, and fulfill all your plans… May the Lord fulfill all your petitions.”
Underneath, there was some blank space to journal on, so I uncapped my pen. For a moment, I hesitated over putting my plans down on paper, but then I figured God could probably read the journal of my mind anyway. After all, He knew me better than I knew myself, right?
I think it’s funny this verse is my meditation today. It’s like a sign showing me that finding Conner is what I will do. From the time I was a little girl, God has given me the desires of my heart, no matter how childish, like getting a new bike for Christmas. Over the years, I had a good family, a good education, good friends, and good coffee. What more could a girl ask for? But it’s time to let go of denial and acknowledge the vast empty hole in my heart that is exactly Conner Anderson shaped. I thought Nate had filled the void, and in many ways, he did, but it was more like instituting a restraining order with a fifty-foot perimeter. He kept my heartache at bay, but his love wasn’t a cure. The problem was always there. I’ll never fully let go of Conner. Maybe knowing what happened to him will fix that problem, maybe not.
This past year with my list of 18 Things, Nate taught me how to get out of my hiding place and experience ‘life.’ And I think becoming a spirit guide is about that even more in some ways. I still don’t know the details of everything here, so I have to step out in faith, and God is always pleased with that, right? He wouldn’t want me to give up. I can’t just sit here and waste time. Yes, I still have a job to do, but I can’t just wonder what happened to Conner in the meantime. I can’t be like that hamster my parents got me for my eighth birthday, running in a wheel with no forward progress.
And yes, there will probably be groaning and great gnashing of teeth to get to where he is. Yes, the path of least resistance has better coffee and chocolate, but I’m willing to give up some of my comforts to find him. I just hope I don’t have to give up Heaven, or Nate. Anyway, thank you, Lord, for the blessing of your faithfulness in always hearing my prayers, even when You choose not to answer them in Your infinite wisdom. Above all else, I believe You are good and kind, and won’t punish me for my curiosity when You are the One who made me who I am. I don’t want to be who I was, a coward, so I’m moving forward today. I hope I have Your blessing.
I scanned over my entry, stunned I had so much to say, my writing overflowing to the next page. I didn’t even notice the tear running down my cheek until I finished reading. Conner was the one constant desire in my life from such an early age, and the time to get him back had arrived.
After returning the meditation guide to my bag, I took out the cell phone issued by headquarters. The phones on Earth looked identical, only this was a smarter version of the smart phone. Actually, the cell was
somewhat mind-blowing. Instead of a 2D flat display, the screen was 3D, letting me reach in and touch stuff and grab the app I wanted to use. Ash said Earth was usually ten years behind the technology in this realm. If only we had an advanced Google search or Facebook page that could help me locate Conner in the Underworld. Using voice activation instead of punching in a number, I simply said, “Call Dr. Judy.”
When she picked up, relief flooded through me to discover her number was the same one I had for her during my after-death purification process. “Hi there, Dr. Judy. Olga Worontzoff here.”
“I know.”
“Um, right. So, how are you?”
“I was just about to ask you the same question. Nate’s been updating me on Grace, but I haven’t heard anything from you. Is everything okay?”
“Well, that’s kinda what I’m calling about. I was wondering if I could get some advice on my love life.”
Total lie. Although I could have used some tips in that area, my intention to snoop in her office for information about Conner trumped all my other needs.
“Sure thing. I’ll always be here for you. I just had an appointment cancel. Can you be here in an hour?”
“That’s a good question. I’m not exactly sure how to get to your office anymore.”
“Just make your way back to headquarters and ask them for door number three hundred twenty-nine. The entry will pop up on the other side of the pond in front of the building. Just knock and I’ll open for you.”
As I made my way back to headquarters, I felt like I had lost my mind. There were so many convoluted thoughts running through my head. Like, Nate was a good guy, and he didn’t deserve what I was about to do to him. But Conner and I were supposed to be together forever—that was my plan since I met him at five years old. I didn’t even know who I was anymore or what I was doing or why I was doing it. Because I was dead, and I knew in my heart Conner lived in the Underworld somewhere, and I needed to find him.
I knocked on Dr. Judy’s door and heard the lock slide open. She greeted me with her usual smile plastered across her face when I stepped inside. I walked over to the window. Shifting from one foot to the other, I wrung my hands, realizing the town I looked out at wasn’t Grand Haven.