by Jamie Ayres
I swallowed, then took a breath while glancing around the tent and trying not to blush, my hands shaking. “Wow, you’re not holding back anything, huh?”
As if his confession hadn’t thrown me for a loop already, the thought occurred to me that I hadn’t known for sure if the girl with him earlier, Julia, was his girlfriend. Now my brain shouted, Newsflash, Katie Couric! Of course, he has a girlfriend! He’s probably had a million of them here! This is Conner!
“I know this must all seem confusing. But I promised myself if I ever got to see you again, I’d tell you the truth. No more secrets… my new words to live by, or die by.”
I wasn’t sure I was ready for his truths. For sure, I wasn’t ready to tell mine; including the fact that Nate technically wasn’t my boyfriend anymore, so I tried to lighten the mood. “Hmm, no more secrets. Conner, once when I was in second grade, I told everyone Jon Bon Jovi was my boyfriend.”
“You know what I mean.”
I did. His words tugged at my heart. I knew I had to explain the entire situation about how I got here. Not just about the deal with the demon, but also how I ended my own life. Right now, he believed I died alongside him, even because of him. I wished I had the guts to tell him everything. But no matter how much I knew what I should do, I just couldn’t bring myself to get the words out. I was stressed enough about figuring out how to corrupt the Alpha File 120, so Sam wouldn’t really get the information, and about finding a way to stay with Conner for longer than twenty-four hours. Rehashing the events of my death in detail would only add to my growing list of problems. We’d need to cross that bridge later.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Conner giving me a look, waiting for me to respond.
I stood. “Are you gonna show me around this place or not? It’s not every day a girl gets to travel to another dimension.”
For a moment, he just sat there, a flabbergasted expression on his face. “Right then. Time to change the subject.” He stood, and then grabbed his guitar. “Follow me. It’s about time I took you out on our first date.”
Without meaning to, I let a smile slip across my face, remembering so many other days and nights I had wished for Conner to say those exact words to me.
“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”
—William Shakespeare, Hamlet
nce outside the tent, Conner took my hand in his and led the way with a tiny flashlight. Feeling the warmth of his hand over mine made my heart feel like it was sky diving as he showed me around the mazelike forest.
“So, what is there to do here?”
He craned his head to look back at me. “We really just have the usual camp stuff. There are bikes to ride. The lake water is always warm for swimming, and it’s ultimate sailing weather here year round, never any storms. Inside the school, there’s a rec room with a television and couches to watch movies, nothing over PG-13 of course. There’s also some pool tables, air hockey, dartboards, and two bowling lanes. Oh, and we have a massive library spanning the two floors, with a coffee shop inside. When I can’t stand missing you for one more second, I’ll go there and read your favorite classics. I’ll even drink a coffee in your honor, despite still loathing the stuff.”
I pushed away the tiny voice in my head telling me I wasn’t here to flirt. “Is that where you’re taking me for our first date? Plenty of opportunities in the library to woo me with some poetry and pour some Bailey’s into my coffee.”
He blinked at me. “Are you implying I need to get you liquored up to be interested in me? If so, I’m seriously gonna have to work on my skills. And wooing? Sounds like your mom’s vernacular finally rubbed off on you. I see we’re back to the turn of the century.”
“Yeah,” I said, my voice dropping to a whisper, thinking about how much I missed my mom. “She’d want a proper courtship for her one and only daughter, so you better make our trip to the rec room or the library spectacular.”
He grinned. “Any of those options would be fine for another girl, but not for you.”
His voice lacked the seductive tone he’d used on other girls. This tone felt genuine.
We made our way along a deep green canal, our usual banter leaving little room for quiet. He held my hand firmly the whole time too, and I couldn’t help but think how right it felt, his hand in mine. Eventually, we came to a crossing bridge at the foot of a large leafy tree. The bridge led to a set of wooden stairs, lots of them, winding up to a simple platform surrounding a rather large Swiss Family Robinson like habitat.
I tightened my grip on Conner’s hand. “What is this place?”
“A tree house. When I first stumbled upon this place, the kid in me got so jacked up. I have so many good memories of playing with you in my backyard fort. It just made being here in Juvie seem more like home.”
I could feel his gaze on me as I stared up at the top. “How many stairs do we need to climb?”
He laughed. “One hundred thirty-three, but the panoramic view from the wrap-around porch at the top is better than anything I’ve seen here. Well, until you showed up today.”
Guilt washed over me. I had begun to enjoy myself way too much. I still hadn’t told Conner the truth about how I died or how I got here. Determination set in, and I decided I had to tell him soon, before this ‘date’ went any further.
“Race you to the top!” I yelled, dropping his hand before sprinting up the first set of stairs.
Squinting in the darkness, I realized this might not have been the best of challenges. But being dead had its advantages. Being fast or getting tired or having an asthma attack wasn’t a concern anymore. Instead, I focused on how it felt to be here, for the moment, acting like a kid again with Conner. Soon, he sprinted next to me, laughing as the wind whipped around us. This was what my entire life had been about. Moments like this with my best friend. Romantic or not, Conner was my soul mate. My love for him was innocent and tied to every nostalgic memory I had of my childhood. We’d always be connected because what we had went beyond romance or friendship.
I didn’t know what kind of soul mate Nate was anymore, but I counted myself lucky to have two soul mates in the span of my short ‘life,’ three if I counted Nic, and I did. To me, a soul mate went way beyond romance. Soul mates were the people I could share my life with on a deeper level; all the things, truths, thoughts, hopes, fears, disappointments, and dreams that my life encompassed. They were with me, and I was with them, for the long run. If we didn’t see each other for a year, we could pick right up where we left off and not miss a beat, like Conner and I did today.
I knew I still loved Nate, but our time together only spanned the past year. Maybe there wasn’t enough history to keep us together forever. Maybe I was too quick to lump him into the soul-mate category.
Whatever the case, I knew I’d made the right choice by coming here. I owed Conner coming here, no matter what Nate thought. With peace in my heart, I knew the first thing I needed to do was just enjoy the moment. Putting off telling him all the gory details could wait another hour or so.
We climbed a plain wooden ladder one rung at a time for the last leg of our journey, so racing wasn’t an option. He let me go first. Dying must’ve turned him into a gentleman. At the top, Conner laid his guitar case against a tree, and then pushed the hair out of his eyes before taking my shoulders and turning me gently, so we both faced the same way.
Ever since I started sailing, I learned I’m a better person outdoors. Something about the way the moons and stars shone here on the lake below, the musky smell of the ash tree, and the fresh breeze lifting the wisps of hair around my face made me feel like I was home again, too.
I walked to the edge of the platform, surrounded by ropes for safety, and looked down. “This view is breathtaking.”
“Yeah, when I feel like this stuff is just too big to comprehend, I come up here. There’s something about a tree house
that feels just my size. You want to look inside?”
I turned to him, and heard his gasp of breath as I kissed his cheek. All the times of spending as many hours as possible out in the sunshine, running through sprinklers, digging in the dirt, having picnics on the beach together, flashed in my mind.
“I’d be delighted to.”
“Delighted?” He lifted his chin, a smile tugging at the edge of his mouth. “Well, come on then.”
Conner stopped before the entrance and nudged aside a pile of leaves with his foot. He held the door open for me, and I stepped in. After blinking and giving my eyes time to adjust, the first things I noticed about the tree house were the glass walls with window seats lining the entire inside. In each corner, there was a large basket, one filled with The Chronicles of Narnia books, another filled with typical camping snacks, another filled with lanterns and flashlights, and the last one filled with games like cards and dominoes. A large rug covered the floor, a few blankets stacked off to the side, and I wondered if campers sometimes spent the night in here.
“So this is it?”
“This is it. You sound disappointed.”
“Not disappointed. It’s just from the outside the tree house seemed more fancy.”
“It’s got the only thing I need inside.” He reached out to touch my hand. “Do you always wear the Morticia Addams ring I gave you, or did you just put it on for this trip?”
I shrugged. “Sometimes for luck. Sometimes wearing the ring was too hard.”
Conner grabbed his guitar from the side of the tree. “I wrote a song about you. Would you like to hear it?”
Laughter bubbled up from deep inside me. “If you’re referring to Ode to a Septic Tank, Nate already sang me that hit.”
His blue eyes blazed, looking thoroughly pissed. “He sang you my song?”
Twisting the ring around my finger, I said, “The band found your songbook. They were all just trying to cheer me up after you died.”
“How did they find my real songbook if you were dead and everything that happened to you was fake?” His nostrils flared like a raging bull. “Are you playing with me or something? Because it’s not funny.”
“Conner, would you seriously think I would mess with you like that? Life—death—ugh!” I screamed, my body trembling. “Limbo just mimicked everything about our life exactly. You don’t understand how real the entire experience felt, and I can’t explain it. I can barely comprehend the past year myself. But I would never, ever play such a cruel joke on you, on anyone.”
He ducked his head. “I’m sorry. I just… wanted to be the one to sing that song to you on your birthday. It’s not like I thought you wouldn’t move on or anything, but I’m still jealous that you did. Does that make sense?”
“Yes,” I whispered. “Being jealous makes total sense because that’s exactly how I felt when I saw you this morning with Julia. But you should know, I never really moved on. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here with you. After I found out Nate and I were dead this past year, almost every single second was spent thinking about how to find you. I never would’ve stopped trying either.”
His eyes lit up. “Really?”
I nodded. “We can do the secret handshake swear if you don’t believe me.”
He laughed my favorite laugh from childhood, one filled with the giddiness of innocence that makes a person want to giggle with him. “I believe you, but I still want to do the handshake.”
We both put our own hands together, then hit them back and forth three times before stopping and hi-fiving above and underneath our left hands. Then we shook with one hand while using the other to shake each other’s foot.
When we finished, he pulled me against him and dropped a kiss on my forehead, and I remembered the last time he kissed me on the forehead. It was the last day he’d been alive, after I learned he was attending prom with Tammy. I invited him to go sailing that afternoon to prove to her I could go on a date with him whenever I wanted. He’d said yes, then the bell rang, announcing the last period of the day. He kissed me quickly and hurried away, Tammy scowling from afar. At the time, I attributed every cruel stereotype I could imagine to her personality. But during my Limbo, she became one of my best friends. Thinking about how none of that was real could quickly cause me to have a whack attack, so I was thankful for Conner holding me now.
“What are you thinking about?” he whispered.
“About the last day you were alive.”
“The last day we were alive you mean. Do you know what I remember most about that day?”
I tipped my head back to look up at him. “Tell me.”
“When you told me Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes was the song that most reminded you of me.”
My arms around his neck slid down his shoulders and arms, the tips of my fingers brushing the warm, hard muscle of his biceps. “That’s because home is wherever I’m with you.”
He stepped free of me, blushing, just like he’d done the last time I told him that. “Come, sit on the rug. I want to play you that song I wrote.”
I rumpled his blond hair as we walked to the center of the tree house together. “So there is a different song than the one about the septic tank?”
Bending over his guitar, he placed his fingers on the cords. “Oh, that song was total crap compared to this one. It’s called Your Love, and this one is from my perspective during the past year while I pined away for you.”
My heart leaped, despite my surprise at another bold pronouncement. His gaze met mine, and when he began singing the soft melody, I felt like we were the only two people in the world.
“Your love is a drug controlling me/ Desire so bad I can’t even see/ I wish I didn’t know what I know/ I wish that I could just let you go/ It’s the very thing I neglected saying I told you so/ Demonstrating I really was as lost as my afterlife shows/ It looks like lightning in the sky tonight/ Storm clouds fill my thoughts and nothing’s all right/ There’s only your love to run to in the theater of my mind/ When I wish I could leave this world behind/ Looking back on my life not so long ago/ I was living as a care-free soul/ Doing all the things Mom told me not to do/ Like kissing all those girls but now I wish they were all you/ Looking back on my life I see the truth now/ You were the best thing that I found/ It looks like lightning in the sky tonight/ Storm clouds fill my thoughts and nothing’s all right/ There’s only your love to run to in the theater of my mind/ When I wish I could leave this world behind/ I hope that unlike me you’re not torn/ I never want to see you mourn/ Deep inside my restless soul/ It’s only you I want to hold/ In my heart you’re forever mine/ And we stay together until the end of time/ I wish I could leave this world behind.”
My mouth opened, and then closed, words failing me. My mind flashed to the only other time Conner directly sang to me. The Cantankerous Monkey Squad had been performing at the Grand Haven Music Walk event downtown. It was the first time I saw them perform at an actual venue. Previously, I’d only seen them play in Conner’s basement or at school since my mom wouldn’t let me travel to the bigger places like Grand Rapids and Detroit to see the gigs they’d booked that year. Nic and I danced and mosh-pitted at the front of the stage during their whole show. At the end of their set, they played Return, a huge crowd-pleaser, the audience chanting the chorus with Conner: So don’t be afraid, I will return/ After my life lessons I have learned/ I will return/ Return. Return.
The whole crowd howled with excitement, so Conner just kept playing, pulling me on stage and repeating the lines over and over. He even turned the mic on me, encouraging me to take over, but I wouldn’t give in to his whims for once. None of that mattered though, because the audience still sang the words for me. The set was done, so Conner said his Thank you and goodnight and walked off the stage, his arm around my waist, the rest of the band following in our wake as Kyle threw his drumsticks into the mob. For the first time in my life, I felt like I walked a moment in Conner’s shoes, the rock star, the popular one. Even better
, I felt like his girlfriend as he kept singing the song into my ear backstage, all smiles, like he’d written the song for me.
And now it felt like history being rewritten, because he had been returned to me, something I didn’t think possible for so long.
So no need to cry/ This isn’t goodbye/ For you I will always sing/ Like eagles we will soar with our new wings/ When the curtain tears in two at the end of the day/ My love for you will never fade away/I will return.
Conner exhaled a loud breath, clearing the song out of my head.
“Do you think you made the right decision in coming here to see me?”
I scooted closer to him on the rug. “If I think about it, then no. But if I go by how I feel, then yes.”
“How do you feel?” He reached out and pushed a strand of hair behind my ear, then let his index finger trail down my cheek.
His light touch made me shiver. “I feel happy. Like searching for you was the right thing to do, even if it technically wasn’t.”
His hand fell into his own lap, but my face still burned from the path of his touch. He put his hands on my waist and pulled me even closer. “What about kissing me? Does that feel like the right thing to do? Because I love you. I’ve been in love with you for a long time, and I’ve spent the last year regretting not doing anything about it.”
My heart pounded, and I swallowed, trying to think of what to say. Could it be that just yesterday I broke up with Nate? And now what? I was just gonna go straight into Conner’s arms, like the past few months with Nate didn’t even matter? Making rash decisions wasn’t my calling card. Decisions that were thought out ahead of time, the results tallied in good or bad columns, that were beneficial to everyone involved, that was how I rolled. Rash decisions were often the downfall of even the best of people, and in the long haul, rash decisions usually proved regrettable, sometimes painful, and very hard to undo. I’d already hypnotized Dr. Judy, conspired to commit acts of treason with a demon, and broken up with a guy I truly loved.