by Jamie Ayres
Bo rubbed a hand over his face before sliding it into his hair, tearing at his dark locks. “I figured, because I feel responsible for his death, too.”
“You’re not… angry at him?” I held my breath, waiting for his answer.
He let out a deep sigh. “No, not at all. We were equal in our stupidity that day. Will you tell him that for me?”
Brushing my eyes with my fingers, I nodded. “If I see him again, yes. Absolutely.”
Bo smiled. “I think you’ll see him again. You’re good at finding lots of things, that’s how you got here. And maybe God had more to do with your plan than you even know.”
He turned on his heel and strode away. My gaze followed him until I couldn’t see him anymore. Yeah, I knew lots of things, except where to find a box of tissues and a good cup of coffee. What I wouldn’t give for that knowledge right now.
I shuffled to the couch and slouched down. My lungs felt like they couldn’t get enough air. Considering everything that just went down, a lot of emotions should’ve been running through me. Instead, I felt dead inside. That’s when I remembered, I was dead inside. Funny how I kept forgetting that unforgettable fact, like I could change things.
My eyes burned, and I told myself not to cry. Tears wouldn’t help anything. One thing I did know was I didn’t want to stay here anymore. After all, I accomplished what I’d set out to do. I made sure Conner was safe. I told him I loved him. Maybe it would’ve been better to let sleeping dogs lie, but I also knew that no matter how much I loved Nate, my mind would’ve always wondered how things might’ve been with Conner if we had our chance. I could tell myself all I wanted that I wasn’t in love with two guys, but nothing changed the fact that I was. How I wished I wasn’t!
I kept thinking and thinking of the last year I spent with Nate though and how I remembered every second of it like it was yesterday, and think it was probably the most fulfilling year of my life. I never thought my senior year had the potential to be so perfect without Conner there, but Nate made it happen. So now I was confused as to why I felt such an urge to come see Conner, but I also knew in my heart of hearts that I needed to tell him I loved him in order for me to move on. I mean, I obsessed over him for twelve years. That’s not something that disappears overnight. What if I’d spent forever with Nate and wondered the whole time about how it could’ve been with Conner? I knew these were the thoughts of a crazy person because Nate is like the perfect guy for me, but love made me do crazy things, apparently.
Thinking about crazy made me remember how I still needed to encrypt the file, but Bo couldn’t help me now. There was nothing left for me here. Part of me wanted to go after Conner, to fight for us even though he wouldn’t. But the other part of me, the part that’d been exhausted from the trying weeks, wanted to lay the day to rest because I knew I couldn’t take his rejection twice. Plus, if we couldn’t stay together for more than a few hours, then it was easy to chicken out with the excuse that we weren’t really meant to be.
After gathering my things, I scrambled out the door and down the hallway, thankful that God never changes and that no matter what, He would never leave me. The power of faith was by my side, and I felt that somehow everything was leading to His purpose for me. The words of Jeremiah 29:13 echoed in my head: “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” I’d sought and found Conner, and ultimately, both of us were let down. Maybe the thrill was only in the chase for us. Only God could fulfill me in this difficult time. I knew that didn’t mean I’d be spared pain, suffering, and hardship for my actions, but He would still see me through if I seeked Him whole-heartedly. Neither strange dimensions, sorrows, or frustrations would break up my relationship with Christ.
Figuring I should leave the same way I came so I wouldn’t alert any guards, I blindly turned around a corner—I couldn’t remember which direction I’d come in. The only thing I knew was I entered on the second floor. When I spotted a fire alarm, I stopped and leaned against the wall, studying the hallway. The open door up ahead looked like the one I had come through yesterday, considering I could spot what looked like a row of security cameras on the wall just through its entry.
Something inside me twisted. Disappointment. I couldn’t believe I was leaving without saying goodbye to Conner, but I also couldn’t focus on that, or I’d hurl. Without giving him another thought, I found my feet carrying me down the hall, my hands holding my book bag in place on my back so it wouldn’t make too much noise as I ran. Willing myself to swallow my terror, I tiptoed into the room. I squinted against the fluorescents and found the room occupied, a guard sitting behind a desk. Crap! Stepping away immediately, I thought of what to do. I ducked around the nearest dark corner and noiselessly opened my backpack and retrieved the other invisibility pill I hadn’t used yet. Just outside the door, I swallowed the magical tablet. Within seconds, I’d already leaped off the balcony onto the tree branch and climbed down the trunk, my visibility not returning until I stood at the lake’s perimeter. I ignored the tears in my eyes the whole way to the wormhole.
Luckily, since the hour approached midnight, the lake stood empty. Sam’s instructions stated that to everyone else in Juvie, the portal was nonexistent because you had to know about its existence to see it. But to me, I could see the magic there in the form of a mist over the lake, trailing like a cloud from the riverbank to a spot about eight feet away. The damp Earth, still churned up from where I clawed my way out yesterday morning, clearly marked my point of entry.
I didn’t wait long to dive into the water, or I might’ve chickened out. Just beneath the surface, a faint light gleamed. I plunged deeper in the water, swimming swiftly toward the glow. As soon as I reached the wormhole, a whiplash current caught me, sending me spinning like a tornado into an abyss. There was a sense of flying through space, weightless and dizzy, until I broke through a surface and suddenly, I arrived at the base of a waterfall. I climbed out, woozy but dry, and took in the nighttime sky dotted with a million stars.
Before I could take in my surroundings, a pair of hands gripped my shoulders from behind.
“Love is the voice under all silences,
the hope which has no opposite in fear;
the strength so strong mere force is feebleness:
the truth more first than sun, more last than star.”
—E.E. Cummings
lga!”
The voice sounded anxious and familiar, and I spun around to face Nate. My eyes met his, and I expected anger, but I didn’t see any. Instead, he reached his hand up to my face and rubbed my cheek lightly.
“You’re all right?” His voice was soft now. “I’ve been sick with worry.”
I felt a burst of love for him, just like I had when I saw Conner in Juvie. What is wrong with me? I can’t be in love with two people at once, can I?
“Nate, what are you doing here? I thought you…” Hated me, I thought, but was unable to speak the words aloud.
“You thought I hated you,” he said, like he was trying to keep his voice even. “Olga, I was in a jealous rage the last time we spoke.”
“Yeah, well, I know what that feels like.”
“You mean Grace and me, right?” With a heavy sigh, he scrubbed a hand over his face. “Look, I’m sorry about that. I only tried to shut you out because I was following orders.”
My head jerked back. “Following orders? From who?”
“Riel.” His lip curled a little bit when he said the name.
I took a step closer to him. “I don’t understand. Why would Riel tell you to shut me out? She was our assignment.”
“Because there’s something about Grace you don’t know. Something Riel told me. And he didn’t want you getting involved with Grace’s case because he thought it was too dangerous. He wanted to protect you.”
“What? Why would he want to protect me? Riel doesn’t care about us. We’re just humans.” Although I knew that wasn’t totally true. Despite his rough exterior, he had shown he cared a
little bit about me.
Nate hesitated a split second before replying. “He does care about one of us. I think he’s in love with you.”
I scoffed. “You think he’s in love with me?” The thought was so absurd, I actually laughed.
He shook his head. “Yes. Think about it. He made our realities when we were in Limbo. He got to know you. How could he not fall in love with you, with your vulnerability?”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re acting like I’m special. Riel does that for everyone, sees vulnerability all the time. Besides, he’s an angel. They can’t fall in love with humans.”
Even as the words flew out of my mouth, I thought back to the conversation I had with him before I went rogue. He’d said an angel falling in love with a human wasn’t common, but not unheard of either.
Nate took my hands in his, giving them a squeeze. “First of all, you are very special. You’re also humble, so you don’t see it. Secondly, apparently angels do fall in love with humans sometimes, even if it is forbidden. That’s the secret Riel told me about Grace. Dr. Judy had an affair with an angel, and Grace is their child. Saving Grace is really important. Even though Riel thought you were competent, he didn’t want you to face the circumstances if we failed, so he told me to push you away.”
I straightened, dropping my hands to my sides. All the mumbo jumbo Dr. Judy said during her hypnosis kind of made sense now. “But they said our failures and successes are tied to one another, so if you failed, wouldn’t I still fail, too?”
He gave me a cautious look, biting his lip. “Only if we’re in a romantic relationship.”
I drew in a long breath. “So why are you telling me about Grace now?”
His eyes were red, like he’d been crying the whole night. “Because after you left, I started thinking about the past three weeks. There’s a reason we’re supposed to be working as a team. We’re better together than we are apart. Riel took our greatest strength and manipulated the situation to convince me it was a weakness. Maybe he made the argument because he was genuinely scared for you, but my gut tells me the whole reason behind his little speech to me was he wanted you for himself. ”
My gaze narrowed. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about Grace before now!”
“Riel told me we’d all be better off if we weren’t together and if I didn’t tell you anything, at least until Grace moved on. I was a brand-new spirit guide, and my boss was a freakin’ angel. Can you really blame me for listening to him?”
I pressed my hands against his chest. “Yes, I can! I don’t care who he is and if he thinks our connection can be severed. This mission could’ve meant suicide for both of us.”
He held my hands at his chest and angled his body closer to me. “Do you know what time it is?”
“Huh?”
He took my face between his hands. “Time for you to stop being a hypocrite and forgive me.”
I thought about how I pushed Nate away for his own good, and the whole time, he did the same for me. He was right on in calling me a hypocrite. Then I flinched, remembering my desperate kisses with Conner. I’d been so broken by the way Nate walked away from me, I’d ran headfirst into kissing Conner, the very thing I told Nate I wasn’t going to do. If I learned anything in the past twenty-four hours, it was that I needed to tell Nate the truth now. But I wasn’t quite sure how to do that yet.
A cluster of trees moved with the wind, and I watched a few leaves drift to the ground out of the corner of my eye. “So what now? Do we demand Riel let us work together on the Grace assignment again?”
“Shouldn’t be too difficult. I’m failing miserably without you, and I’m really scared of what might happen to Grace if I can’t help her have a breakthrough soon.” He dropped his hands to his side and sniffed, like he was trying not to cry, and I couldn’t help but feel jealous over how much he cared for another girl.
I opened my mouth, but a moment passed before I could form words. “Do you think she has super powers we could help her tap into somehow? You know, because she’s part angel?”
Nate laughed. “I don’t know. What super powers does Riel have, other than being one cocky SOB?”
“Oh, I dunno. He can fly and teleport anywhere faster than the speed of light, he can manipulate our perceptions of reality. He can probably transform into others, too. If Dr. Judy had an affair with an angel, then that angel must’ve taken on a human form, right?”
“I guess so.” He kicked at a rock. “You don’t want to be with Riel, do you?”
“Of course not.”
My mind spun in a million different directions, trying to decipher everything Nate told me. What had he said? He followed orders from Riel? “Are you still in love with me?”
He stared, like my question shocked him. “Olga, of course I’m still in love with you. There’s no chance of ever falling out of love with you. I’ll always love you. I’ll always want you and nobody else.”
I took a step closer to him. “You still l-l-love me?” After all I said to him, the idea that he still loved me seemed impossible.
“With everything that I am.”
I mentally cursed, wishing for the millionth time I had a cosmic do-over button. How could I have made out with Conner within twenty-four hours of breaking up with Nate?
I sighed. “Well, add everything you’ve just told me to the long list of things I never thought I’d hear but have in the past twenty-four hours.” I thought of Conner, how he gave up on me so easily, and I already missed him horribly.
Nate tilted his head to the side, studying me as if I were an alien species, and maybe I’d become one somewhere along this journey. “Olga, I’m sorry for not fighting for you, for us. There was a quote by Ralph Emerson that I tried to live by, when I was still alive. He said to, ‘Live everyday as if it is the best day of your life.’ Somewhere in death, I forgot about all of that. I should’ve been putting my trust in God, but I didn’t.”
His words should have made me happy, but they didn’t. Instead, I felt this giant void inside of me. I knew I had to come clean with him about what happened, but I’d already broken one heart today, and I didn’t know if I had what it took inside of me to break another.
He drew me forward until our lips brushed. His mouth trembled. My own body shook against his, but I didn’t pull away. I knew I shouldn’t kiss him, shouldn’t take back up with Nate at the first sign of his remorse. We needed to talk, not kiss. But I couldn’t stop him either, and I didn’t want to. We were a gravitational force, our desire for each other too powerful.
I took in a breath as his hands smoothed down my shoulders, dropping my book bag to the ground. His hands rested on my hips, pressing me against the back of a tree. A shiver passed through me, and I molded my lips to his.
This kiss wasn’t like our other ones. I couldn’t help myself from comparing them. This kiss was sharp with all the hopelessness we felt the past twenty-four hours, maybe even the past year, almost painful. No restraint existed here, and I was thankful for that. We couldn’t stop touching each other. His hands grazed over my shoulders and down my arms; I fisted mine in his hair then in his shirt until finding the slope of his hard stomach. Somehow, I didn’t know if he pulled me down on top of him or I pushed him down, but our bodies collided on the grass as we continued to devour each other.
I sucked on his bottom lip; he nuzzled my neck; I trailed kisses along his ear and down his throat; he pulled at my shirt. Not to be outdone, I copied him. But then, the feel of skin on skin sedated us. The intimacy of the gesture awakened us to the knowledge that we moved too fast. Our breaths, soft and hot, began to slow. His hands traced up and down my back, and I laid my head on his shoulder, a feeling of peace washing over me, like I floated on a cloud somewhere far away from all my troubles.
The desire for more answers pounded my brain, despite just wanting to enjoy the moment. “How did you know how to find me by the wormhole?”
He gently rolled me off him, then rested his elbow on the Earth as
he looked at me. “When you came to me about Conner, my anger and jealousy was genuine. Later, I regretted what I said to you, but I knew I couldn’t keep you from going after Conner. No matter what I did or said, you weren’t going to stop until you had your answers. But I couldn’t abandon Grace, and I thought someone who knew what was going on should stay at headquarters in case you needed some help. I actually contemplated turning you in to Riel or Ash or Dr. Judy for a good hour, but then I remembered I promised you I wouldn’t, and I feared you’d hate me forever if I did.”
I looked down at our hands, intertwined, and felt a surge of guilt when my eyes fell on the Morticia Addams ring. Feeling sick to my stomach, I pressed on, “So, what did you do instead?”
He fixed his eyes on me, and I could feel his intense longing to touch me again and put all this unpleasantness behind us, but he pressed on with the explanation. “I snuck into your room at night. I made sure you were asleep first, and then—”
“Wait a minute.” I held up my hand. “How could you make sure I was asleep before you entered?”
A smile flickered across his face. “I listened at your door for snoring.”
I poked him in the stomach. “I do not snore!”
“Yes, you do.”
I threw myself on top of him again, pinning his arms above his head on the soft ground with my hands in fake indignation. “Take it back.”
“What are you going to do if I don’t?”
I ducked my head down to his face, pressing our noses together, which was about the only part of our bodies not already pressed together. “Kiss you to death.”
He arched up against me, lips brushing mine. “I demand you carry out this sentence immediately.”
Slipping my hands behind his neck, I smiled against his mouth. “Not until you tell me the rest of your story.”
He groaned. “You evil woman, can’t you tell not kissing you is killing me?”
The desire nudged at me, too, but I needed to know what happened to plan my next move. Noon approached too quickly; I still needed to figure out what to do about the Alpha File.