by Jamie Ayres
“Just when I thought there was no way you could possibly get me into more trouble,” he said, slowly sitting up, and then standing.
His words made me freeze, the panic swelling inside me, feeling like I would burst open at any second. It was like I’d been caught up in a tornado and fallen into an abyss very far away, nothing familiar, yet knowing too much information at the same time.
Nate touched the side of my face. “Hey, I’m only teasing. We’ll figure this out together.”
“There’s no way a half hour will be enough time for us to discover what we’re supposed to do with this new information. All the time in the world wouldn’t be enough. I mean, why would Dr. Judy tell me to go after the Alpha Fi—”
Taking a breath, my gaze landed on the glasses still on top of Nate’s forehead, reminding me he had the knowledge of God. I ripped them off his head and threw them on the ground. Then, I stomped on them until they were dozens of tiny pieces.
“What’d you do that for?” He looked at me with half-open eyes, his usual ocean color looking dull with exhaustion.
“Keeping the glasses would be too dangerous.” I stooped down and swept the broken pieces under his bed. “What if the demons got hold of the real file somehow? They obviously don’t know you need the glasses to comprehend the code, or they would’ve asked me to retrieve them, but we can’t take the chance of letting the glasses fall into the wrong hands.” I stood up, and a wave of satisfaction washed over me.
“Good idea,” Nate said, his voice uneven.
I silently prayed he wouldn’t pass out on me again. “Look, Dr. Judy wanted me to find the Alpha File 120 for a reason, a reason that could help Grace and all of us, she said. Can you find out what that reason was before I do the dead drop?”
“The problem is, I don’t know how to access all the information now stored in my brain, but I’ll try.”
He closed his eyes, and I could tell he concentrated hard by his furrowed brow. “This isn’t going to be easy. It’s like a full volume set of Encyclopedia Britannica’s exploded in my brain, and you’re asking me to find one specific entry out of millions.”
I shook my head. “Yeah, I know. Just try to focus only on memories of Dr. Judy and Grace, the way they look, the sound of their voices, everything you know about each of them. Maybe thinking those thoughts will make the information from the file somehow flash in your mind.”
“Olga!” he squealed, sounding excited now. “It’s working. I see something!”
I grabbed at his hands and held them. In the steadiest voice I could manage, I said, “Tell me what you see.”
“I see a younger, gorgeous Dr. Judy. I’m talking Miss America material. A young man named Simon whispers to her about her beauty…but not just a man, an archangel, and a Heavenly kingdom transplant sent to Earth as a professor at Brown University to inspire young people to change the world. But instead, he got distracted by Judy and had an affair with her. She was only twenty-four, finishing her Master’s degree and only married for a year when she found out she was pregnant. She didn’t know if Grace was the daughter of her husband or Simon’s, fully human or half angel. Simon couldn’t stay. He was sent to the Underworld for duty as punishment. Working with delinquents seemed to suit him better than inspiring youth.
“He wanted to take Grace to Heaven to grow up, no matter if she was his or not. He was afraid if she stayed on Earth, she would be a big target for demons because of his affair with Judy. But if he took Grace with him, Judy wouldn’t ever be able to see her again, so she wouldn’t agree to his plan. She couldn’t bear to lose Simon and her child all at once, the only child she’d ever have. The pregnancy and labor had been the hardest her doctor had ever seen, and didn’t know how she made it through, but said she could never have children again. So she wanted to keep Grace close, but before Simon left, he vowed to come back.
“He mentioned something in passing about the Alpha File, about obtaining the knowledge of God so he could find a way back to Earth. But years passed and no word from Simon came. Dr. Judy spiraled into depression, ending in a band of demons killing her. As Grace matured, the demons could tell by her gifts and traits she was Simon’s child. They bombarded Grace with negative thoughts after Dr. Judy’s death, hoping her torture would lead to Simon’s intervention, so they could convince him to work together to obtain the Alpha File. But they thought wrong. Simon was reformed. He never made a move. He was nothing like the demons. He serves out his punishment, watching over the Underworld for a century, and trusting God to unite him with Dr. Judy and Grace when his time is up.”
I shook my head. Crap, only I would have the luck of bailing on my first assignment, who just happens to be half archangel!
Nate opened his eyes and stared at me. “Now what?”
I felt just as puzzled as he did. “I don’t know why Dr. Judy thought that could help all of us, do you?”
Drawing his hand from mine, he said, “There’s more. A genetic code flashed through my mind when I saw Grace being born. I wonder if that has anything to do with what the demons are after.”
Shrugging my backpack on, I said, “Well, if it is, they won’t be able to read it. I better get going.”
He leaned forward and kissed me gently, and then I felt one hand gripping my waist, the other in my hair, his kiss deepening.
I leaned back. “I have to go.”
He sighed. “I hate this.”
“You think I don’t?”
“Promise me you’ll be careful and come back to me. Hey, should we make a Plan B in case something goes wrong? Who else knows about the Alpha File? I’d hate for someone to turn you in after all this trouble of covering things up.”
I shook my head. “The only ones who know are you, me, Conner, and his roommate. They won’t tell.” Julia’s name popped into my head. “Ah, I can’t believe I keep forgetting some very important details.”
He held up his hand. “What details?”
“There’s also Julia. Conner’s very jealous girlfriend,” I whispered.
Nate took a step away from me, looking like I slapped him. “Why so jealous?”
I remained silent.
His mouth twitched like a cat’s. “Olga, why so jealous?”
“I’d rather not have this conversation right now.” An ache spread through me that felt like being sucked into that wormhole again, the floor dropping out from underneath me.
Nate looked like he felt the exact same way. “I don’t think I want to have this conversation right now either. But I also don’t think I can go forward with you until you explain why Julia is so jealous, and why you’re suddenly so quiet about it.”
My knees wobbled, the world collapsing in on me.
“Olga! Just tell me! You owe me the truth. Did something happen between you and Conner?”
I hesitated, my spirit feeling so weak and small from all my fears and challenges of the past days. The thought occurred to me now that maybe I was able to go see Conner not because of God’s allowance, but Satan’s. Wouldn’t Satan want to distract me with the temptation of Conner’s love, a detour trip from my true mission? But really, I knew Satan wasn’t my biggest enemy, I was. Ever since I’d learned the truth about the last year, I couldn’t stop worrying about Conner and all I’d left behind on Earth. Something always plagued at my mind and stole peace from my heart. Sure, I tried to go on the best I could, but I didn’t allow God to calm my anxious thoughts and put my worries to rest. I didn’t even give the spirit guide opportunity a chance to turn into the joyous experience I knew He meant it to be. My over-worrying and my need to be in control got the best of me again.
Now, I needed God’s grace and wisdom to find just the right words for Nate. Because the truth was, I needed both of their love to help me to be the stronger and more secure person that I wanted to be.
But coming clean was agonizingly difficult, especially when I’d allowed one bad decision to lead to another until everything snowballed out of control. I’d wandered
so far down the road of self-deception that I didn’t even know how to turn around and tell the truth now.
Forcing myself to look Nate in the eye, I knew he was right. I owed him the truth, a thousand apologies, and so much more. I swallowed, praying for the right words to explain. “You have to understand, I loved Conner my whole life. I never thought he could love me back, not the romantic way I wanted him to. And I didn’t go to him to seek that out. Part of me still regretted never telling him, but my heart belonged to you. Then you were so mad at me, or at least I thought you were. I thought you’d never want to see me again, and that you wanted Grace now. So when he confessed being in love with me all these years, too…” I had no idea how to break the next part gently, so I just spit the words out. “Kissing seemed like the natural thing to follow. Nate—”
“Is kissing all you did?”
I took a step toward him, trying to remember. The last day seemed like a blur. A flash of our hands on each other swept through my mind. “The kisses were passionate, but not like ours.”
Nate’s posture was stiff. “Meaning what? You managed to keep your clothes on?”
“Yes, of course.” My voice sounded scratchy to my own ears. “I’m so sorry, Nate. I never meant to hurt you. You know I would never hurt you on purpose.”
Nate raised his eyebrows. “The only thing I know for sure right now is that you don’t think. I mean, it’s the greatest of all ironies, isn’t it? What is your I.Q.? One-forty-something? Yet you don’t think, you just act! You don’t have any foresight. You don’t think of any consequences. Oh wait, you do think. Of yourself, and what you want. Not about what I think. Or what’s right.” His hands began to shake. “I’m tired of this. If you think you still love Conner, then you can think of a way out of this on your own.”
He turned to walk away, but I gripped his arm, pulling him close. “I love you, and you love me. You’re gonna let one little mistake ruin everything? Isn’t that what you were just threatening to punch Conner over?”
Nate disentangled himself from my grip. “Don’t say his name! And don’t pretend this is my doing. This is all you.” He spat the words with such hate I felt like someone knocked the wind out of me. “I love you, more than anything. But it’s clear to me now that even if you do love me, it’s not the same. Not with your whole body, soul, heart, mind, and your very breath. Because if you did, if you loved me like I loved you, you would’ve never been able to kiss someone else. I can’t even look at someone else!”
“But you never had a best friend you loved your whole life. You don’t understand how confusing the whole situation was.”
“The fact you found it confusing is what I find confusing. Love is not the author of confusion. Indecisiveness is.”
The empty void returned, threatening to swallow me whole. “Please, just give me another chance. I promise it won’t happen again.”
He laughed sharply. “Oh, sure, until Conner needs you. And if I could give you some advice? Don’t go running to him the next time you think he needs you. There’s a holy war going on here. I do love you. I don’t want you to end up in Hell playing house with Sam.”
And with that, he turned and teleported on the spot, too fast to grab onto him and see where he was going. Just when I thought all would be okay, things fell apart again. I’d lost Conner, gained Nate, then lost Nate, then gained Conner back, only to lose him again the same day, then got Nate back, only to lose him again within the span of six hours. How had I gone from the girl who never got chased to the girl constantly caught in the middle? I never should’ve opened my heart to love. I never should’ve gone to see Conner. All I did was open myself up to more pain and make things worse for everyone involved.
But I couldn’t fix what I shouldn’t have done, things that would haunt me forever. Everything had changed, and there wasn’t a darn thing I could do about it.
Wetness streamed down my cheek like a waterfall, and I finally felt the courage to let the tears flow free, to feel the loss and heartbreak. The tears weren’t just for not staying true to Nate, but for not staying true to myself. Maybe after I grieved properly, my true self would be waiting on the other side, so that I could come out whole and cleansed again. Maybe God wasn’t through with me yet.
If I kept repeating this mantra over and over again, maybe faith would take hold of me before depression did.
“I am certain of nothing but the holiness of the
Heart’s affection and the truth of the Imagination.”
—John Keats
he dead drop was to take place on Grace’s Limbo plane at Biltmore Estate, the same location where Grace conned her way into a date with Nate. I teleported there and made my way to the Housekeeper’s Suite to drop the CD into a trash can in Mrs. King’s room as instructed.
“Olga? What are you doing here? Have you seen Nate?”
I turned to see Grace coming toward me. Quickly, I jumped in front of her, blocking her path. I didn’t want her anywhere near Sam. “Um, no, Nate isn’t with me. What are you doing here?”
She grimaced. “He sent me a text early this morning, asking me to meet him here at noon.”
“This specific spot?”
Grace nodded.
I took a deep breath, which didn’t help calm my rising panic. I had to get her out of here, and fast. “Ah, I’m just messin’ with you. My brother became suddenly ill, so he sent me here to tell you to go home, and he’ll visit you later.” Did she buy it?
“Why wouldn’t he just call or text to tell me that himself? The drive out here cost me a lot of gas money.”
Now I definitely felt ill. “Um, because…” Holy freakin’ crap, please just leave!
“Because,” Sam said, filling the doorway to Mrs. King’s room as he glanced from Grace to me. “She’s lying to you. But first things first, do you have the file, Ms. Worontzoff?”
I swallowed hard. “Sam? What are you doing here?” Even though this was only supposed to be a dead drop, I sensed the lie when I spotted Grace. Still, I needed to buy some time and asking questions was usually how I accomplished that task.
“The terms of our agreement have changed. My boss wants me to bring you and Grace back to our headquarters with the file.”
“Tell your boss he can go screw himself. I did my job, now our business together is done, and there’s no reason to involve Grace.”
Sam shook his head and stared thoughtfully into the distance. “I figured you might say something like that. And the rules of these realms dictate we can’t kidnap spirit guides. They have to come willingly to the dark side. But we can take subjects from Juvie after so many strikes. Which is why, at this very moment, my associate is kidnapping Conner.” He held up his mobile device, a video displaying images of Conner being bound and gagged. “Still want me to deliver that message to my boss?”
Sam blocked all the light coming from the room, so I hoped he couldn’t read the utter terror on my face. “Okay, fine. I’ll come, but leave Grace out of this.”
He sauntered up to Grace and me as if he knew something I didn’t, and I’m sure he knew lots of things I didn’t. Things I didn’t want to know, but was about to find out. “Well, you see, I planned on leaving her alone, because I had to. But now both of her spirit guides have come to the dark side, so she belongs to me now, too.”
“Spirit guides?” Grace mumbled. “What—who is this crazy person?”
“I’m your worst nightmare, sweetheart,” Sam answered, gripping both of our arms and blinking us into darkness.
Seconds later, we followed Sam down a long tunnel, where he opened a metal door, then started down an impossible number of stairs.
“Where exactly is your headquarters?” I shivered, trailing my fingers along the cold stone wall to help guide me and Grace, who shuffled beside me in the darkness.
Sam nudged me from behind with a bony finger. “A dungeon. What did you expect for demon headquarters? Cinderella’s castle? Now shut up and walk faster.”
“We
ll, it’s not like I don’t want to hurry, this place reeks like rotting meat. But it’s kinda hard to move quickly with these ankle chains you’ve shackled us in.”
He didn’t say anything in response, just pushed me farther into the darkness. The chain from my ankle cuffs clanked against each metal step, a reminder that there was no turning back, and no way to get out of this. I had to summon all my courage not to scream. I drew in a deep breath. Saving Conner and Grace was the only thing keeping me together. I couldn’t fail them again.
Both of her spirit guides… what had Sam meant by that? I wished there was some way I could send a message to Nate or Dr. Judy.
At the bottom of the stairs, Sam took the lead. We followed him through a flickering corridor, wincing as grime-streaked arms reached for us through the steel bars of cells. I didn’t want to look at the faces inside, but I had to find him.
“Where’s Conner? I want to see him to make sure he’s okay. Otherwise, your boss can forget about my cooperation.”
“Why do you think we’re down here, sweetheart?”
He dragged us for another moment, and then stopped in front of a brightly lit lair. Through the bars, I saw Conner huddled in a corner, naked and shaking. Fiery cuts swept across his back.
They’d beaten him because of me. Tears welled in my eyes.
“Conner?”
Conner turned his head, revealing three cuts across his cheek as well. “Olga, don’t do it.” His backside still facing me, he tried to lean on the wall to stand, but didn’t seem to have enough strength. He groaned and squeezed his eyes shut. “Whatever it is they want from you, Olga, don’t give in. My life isn’t worth it.”
I narrowed my eyes at Sam. “If you hurt him again, I’ll—”
“You’ll what?” A voice spat from behind me, a voice I’d know anywhere. No, it can’t be.
I glanced over my shoulder and closed my eyes, unable to look at him.
“You’ll kiss him and make him all better? It’s too late for that.” Nate’s voice shook. “Hands up and come with me.”