by Jamie Ayres
ate scooped me into his lap and fastened his gaze on my face, daring me to look away. “You’re deflecting again, Olga. Please, just tell me the truth about how you feel. I can handle it.”
I bit my lip, thinking about what I wanted to say. “I don’t want to lie to you anymore, never did. Like Dr. Judy said, if we’d all just been truthful with one another, we wouldn’t be in this big mess. The truth is I’m in love with you, but brace yourself… I’m in love with Conner, too, and I have no idea how to choose between you. I know loving two people sounds insane, like I’m not really in love with either one of you, but I swear that I am. I also know I can only be with one of you, and I’ll break one heart in the process. But, no matter how badly we needed to clear the air tonight, I still think we should wait to hear our sentence before discussing the matter of us any further.”
Nate smiled unevenly. “Well, that would be convenient for you, wouldn’t it? Riel would swoop in and make the decision for you. Guess what? I’m not gonna let you take the easy way out this time. I want you to imagine that somehow, some way, you’re able to go someplace where you’re able to be around both Conner and me.” He grabbed my hand and pressed my palm over my chest, holding it there for a moment. “In your heart of hearts, who do you picture yourself being with?”
I stiffened, shocked at his sudden forwardness, but I also felt so much love for him. He was still so young, but before me sat a man with strong integrity, a guy any girl would be lucky to call her own. But I still didn’t feel up to making that decision right now.
“I don’t picture either of you.”
He squeezed his eyes shut. “I was afraid you’d say that if I pushed you.”
I hugged him close. “Nate, it’s just that I’m still trying to wrap my head around Satan trying to plant his evil spawn in me, and Dr. Judy’s history, and Grace being half archangel, and seeing Conner again, and getting stripped of our spirit guide titles, and the very real probability that we’ll be sent straight to Hell any minute now. I mean, no offense, but our little love triangle, or love pentagon if you consider the parts Grace and Riel played in our lives the past month… it just feels really trivial right now. I’m sorry if saying that hurts your feelings, but you wanted the truth.”
Lacing his fingers through mine, he said, “I guess we just think differently. To me, in the end, and this could very well be the end, all that matters is love, so nothing but us could be more important right now.” He cocked his head to the side. “You know, I remember the valedictorian of my graduating class gave this great speech, where she said life would have pain, but in the end love would be worth the pain. I know we haven’t arrived to the place where we’ve learned all the life lessons we need to.” He paused, then tapped the side of his head. “Well, maybe I have, because I do have the knowledge of God now.”
I wished I could shove him playfully, but I couldn’t move. My body felt frozen, because I knew where he was going with his speech. Nothing that happened to us as spirit guides voided out all the lessons we’d learned from our time in Limbo. The Beatles had it right when they sang All You Need Is Love. No matter what decision the Angel Council made, they couldn’t take away the love I felt for my two… soul mates? I’d used that term interchangeably to describe Nate and Conner during the past month. My love for both of them felt so strong, but only one could be my soul mate in the truest sense of the word. And in this moment, my heart pulled more toward Nate. A part of me thought the tug was weird because my heart belonged to Conner for so long, but honestly, Nate seemed like he loved me more than anybody. Maybe that was why I pushed him away before. We hurt the ones we love the most. None of these conclusions meant I was in the right frame of mind to make any decisions about my love life though.
“If you have the knowledge of God, then use it to tell me what our verdict will be.”
His brow furrowed. “We hit the play button on our lives a year ago, always moving forward and doing what we thought was right. It’s a choice we make every day, to live or die. Luckily, God isn’t ruled by emotions like us. He sees our heart and shows us mercy, even when we don’t deserve it.”
I tucked my head against his chest. “I sure hope so. Hey, you never even told me how you got into demon headquarters anyway. I thought after my confession about Conner, you’d walked out of my life for good.”
He gathered me more closely in the circle of his arms. “It took all of five minutes for me to think about things from your perspective. I mean, it still hurt to think of you kissing Conner. But you had some good points, and I did start to think about how I would feel and how I might behave if I lost my best friend who I was in love with for so many years, and I was the only person there to try to save their life and then was reunited with them after believing I’d never see them again. I knew I needed to find you. I didn’t know where the dead drop was taking place, but I was afraid you’d do something crazy like try to go back to Juvie. I went back to the portal and overheard Sam talking to a demon there. Sam was about to go meet you, and he explained the plan to kidnap you and Conner and throw you both in Hell. The demon Sam was with had already visited Juvie and spoken to Julia, who told him everything. I knew I didn’t have time to alert anyone, and I had to act fast. I approached them, explaining how you betrayed me, and I told them I wanted to come to the dark side.”
“Well, they do have cookies.”
He nuzzled me closer. “That’s true. But it was all just a story, of course. I didn’t want to reveal I was the one with the file in my head, and I didn’t want them to hurt you. So I told them how you had a photographic memory in the hopes they wouldn’t destroy you because they’d think they needed you.”
I smiled. “It was a good plan. Were you really the one who tortured Conner?”
He cupped the side of my face in his hand. “I didn’t want to. But I had to prove my loyalty to the demons, and I knew if I did the beating, I’d have control over how much he got hurt.”
A shudder ran through me. “Well, it looked like he got hurt quite a bit.”
His fingers traced a slow line along the bottom of my chin. “I’ll be honest. I was angry with him, but I never meant to hurt him that badly. Do you believe me?”
I thought of all my moments with Nate over the past thirteen months. Thirteen was said to be an unlucky number; was even the number of the sailboat Conner and I were on when the lightning struck him. But I felt like a lucky girl to have Nate in my life, and part of that was because of his honesty with me. “I’ll do you one better,” I whispered. “I’ll forgive you.”
He bent his head down, touching his forehead to mine and smiling. “Thank you.”
Suddenly, I remembered something I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten until now. “And you know who else forgives you? Bo.”
“What?” He scowled. “I never told you his name.”
“I know, but I met him in Juvie. Bo was Conner’s roommate.”
“What?” he repeated.
I nodded. “Listen, Nate. Bo doesn’t hold you responsible. He told me to tell you that there was nothing to forgive on his part because you weren’t to blame.”
Nate’s eyes shone. He put his hands over his mouth, like he was trying not to cry. “Are you just trying to make me feel better, or did he really say that?”
“He really said that. Bo doesn’t hold one ounce of anger toward you, I swear.”
He slumped against the wall, a slow smile spreading across his face. For the first time, Nate looked like he believed the truth of those words. In his happy tears, he shook like a child.
I put my arms around him for a long time, marveling at how God brought us around full circle. “What do you think happens to the Alpha File now? To those demons and Satan’s plans?”
He looked down at me and gasped, then grinned. “I thought you knew. I blew up their headquarters with that hand grenade. As for the file in my head, I’m certain Riel has some program he’ll use to erase it from my brain. And I’m sure Satan is still out there plotting
somewhere, but as for what he does next, I think I’ll let the people in charge take care of things from now on. With everything that has happened though, I don’t think the demons will be bothering you with their plans of Underworld domination any time soon.”
I gave a shaky laugh. “Yeah, now that they see who they’re messing with.”
We sat in complete silence for a while. Finally, he asked, “What do you think we should do now?”
I stood up so quickly, I nearly tripped over my own two feet. I could always count on my lack of coordination to bring some comic relief. Releasing a sigh, I said, “Sing. I think we should sing.”
Nate scrambled to his feet and intertwined his hands with mine. “I wish I had Breedlove with me. I left the guitar in Dr. Judy’s office that one day she told us we were dead, remember that?”
“Yeah, kinda hard to forget that day.” I grinned. “Let’s ask her about it, maybe you can get Breedlove back from her.”
We only took one step forward before he stopped me. “I just thought of something.”
“What?”
“Breedlove belonged to Conner. Kyle and Sean gifted it to me in Limbo, but only because Conner wasn’t there.”
“So, who gets the guitar now?”
He shrugged. “How would I know? Geez, you’d think I had the knowledge of God or something the way you ask me questions.”
I gestured toward Conner. “Well, maybe you can explain things to him and the two of you can share Breedlove… start your own band.”
“Oh, I can’t wait to hear his ideas for a new band name. Let’s go ask him.”
The thought of them arguing over band names made me laugh out loud, and I was thankful for Nate’s sense of humor in the most serious of situations.
My gaze fell on Conner, who seemed to be waking up from a nap and noticing mine and Nate’s hands intertwined, his eyes widening. The color drained from his face, and he lowered his head. I broke away from Nate and sat next to Conner.
“Hey, you okay?”
He smoothed a hand over my red curls. “With you by my side, why wouldn’t I be? Still no word from your angels?”
Shaking my head no, I looked toward Dr. Judy and Grace huddled together, Nate sitting beside them. “You guys up for a little music?”
Dr. Judy smiled. “I think some praise and worship would do all of us some good.”
Hour after hour, we did nothing but belt out old hymns I grew up singing in mass.
How Great Thou Art.
Rock of Ages.
Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee.
It was my first glimpse of Conner’s developing faith. He never attended church when he lived on Earth, but he seemed to know the words, so he must’ve picked up some of the praise tunes from his time in Juvie.
When we sang Amazing Grace, I realized there had been very little music in my life the past month. Usually, I sang to celebrate. There was no celebration here, but the songs and their words flowed naturally, like water to my soul. My voice was rough and broken, but Nate and Conner’s voices were warm and displayed the splendor of God’s love.
Maybe, if God hadn’t yet revoked the natural talent he given both of them, then maybe there was still some hope left for all of us.
“Then you will know the truth,
and the truth will set you free.”
—John 8:32
ur time was up—a truth I realized when Riel opened the door, shedding light inside the dim room. It also occurred to me that it was now Conner’s nineteenth birthday, even if he didn’t exactly age anymore. Unable to stop myself, I planted a quick kiss on his lips, in case now was the last time I could do so.
“Happy Birthday.”
“Thanks,” he said with a smile.
“Your trial is over,” Riel announced. “Come with me. All of you.”
Nate stood first, then glanced down at me, and offered his hand to pull me up.
We all shuffled out of the room in a single file line like it was the first day of kindergarten. After standing briefly in the foyer for a moment, Nate gestured to the walls. “Well, I’d like door number two on the right, please.”
Riel’s face glowed. “You aren’t going through any of these doors.”
My blood chilled in my veins. “Then, what did the Angel Council decide to do with us?”
Riel explained they called on a multitude of witnesses before they made their decision. He personally testified on our behalf, as did Ash, as surprising as that was.
The Council even called Sam in to testify, who broke numerous peace agreement laws during this whole debacle. They sentenced him to roam Earth as a lesser demon, separated from Hell and his dear old dad until the Day of Judgment.
They brought in Leo, the angel in charge of Camp Fusion in Juvie, who’d spoken to Bo and Julia to make sure the leak of top-secret information had been contained. Since Conner’s friends really didn’t know anything, they were kept out of the trial.
The council also agreed that stronger security measures were needed at their storage facility.
Given the situation, Grace was allowed a reprieve from her time in Limbo. She would be sent to Heaven, and hopefully, she’d reunite with her parents there when their one hundred year term of service ended. Dr. Judy would remain a spirit guide, but would not keep her title as the head of that department anymore, and her travels to Earth would be limited for a probation period of one year.
“I hope that means you can continue to counsel my and Conner’s parents.”
She nodded. “For as long as they need me.”
Riel’s smug expression returned. “They won’t.”
I narrowed my eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
He sighed. “You’ll all see soon enough. Now hurry up, say your goodbyes. I’ve got somewhere to be soon.”
Dr. Judy waved a dismissive hand. “Oh, Riel, can’t you swallow your ego for one minute and just admit the reason you want to rush this goodbye is because you’ll actually miss Olga?”
Riel gritted his teeth, then looked at me. “I will, actually.”
My eyes watered. “Why? Where am I going?”
He paced the floor before opening Heaven’s door. “We’ll get to you in a moment. Come on, Grace.”
Grace eyed me with a frown.
“Are you trying to figure out if you should thank me or slap me?”
She laughed. “At this point, I think I should simply thank you. Both of you.” She gestured to Nate and me. “I am going to Heaven after all, and what’s better than that?”
Dr. Judy smiled. “Let me walk you out.”
We gave each of them a quick hug goodbye and watched Ash escort them through the appropriate door.
Finally, it was just me and three men who claimed to love me left in the room. Awkward!
Riel informed us that the angels decided my actions weren’t inherently evil since I never intended to give the demons the file, but my actions were unfortunate for many involved, especially Nate and Conner.
He paused at the end of his explanation, and I froze. “So, what does that mean? They don’t know what to do with us or something?”
“God sees and judges the heart, not just the actions, and God will use every possible means to save us. Many of those means are unknown and unexpected. No one dare limit the mercy, the cleverness, or the power of God. He never tears up His plan for us. He fulfills and transforms it. He weeps over those sent to Hell, but not over ashes. He weeps over the souls that existed before they were burned, the souls who could’ve chosen good but chose evil instead. He delights in those who believe the most strongly in Heaven, because they make the greatest difference on Earth. To many, your plan sounded crazy when laid out bare in testimonies, but it also made perfect sense.”
My hand went to my heart. “It did?”
“Yes, for God is pure love. Pure love gives itself. God gave Himself, so we might have membership in His family. He made us partakers in His divine nature because pure love has no stinginess to it.
In the end, your love for Nate and Conner mimicked the love of God, as did their love for you. You were all persistent in your spiritual journeys, and your strong character developed as you struggled through tough conditions. You didn’t always make the right choices, but only God is perfect. He doesn’t expect you to be perfect, only that you try, and try you did.”
Nate looked at me, then back at Riel. “So, that means what exactly?”
He shrugged. “That means the Angel Council has been given the approval by the Man upstairs to send you back to Earth.”
Nate gasped. “You’re sending us back?”
Riel nodded. “I know. God help us all.”
I shook my head. “What do you mean we’re going back to Earth? To roam as ghosts?”
“No,” he said, just as the door labeled Juvie opened, and an angel looking like he was made of fire and brimstone—there was no other way to describe him—stepped out.
“Leo?” Conner’s eyes widened.
“Who else would it be?”
I instantly understood why Conner said Leo had no trouble controlling two thousand teenagers at Camp Fusion. And I was extremely grateful Julia hadn’t stepped out of that Juvie door. Half of the teenage girls in Grand Haven were already in love with Conner… I didn’t need one more to compete with.
“Papers ready for the transport?” Riel asked, his expression flat.
“Yep, I have them right here.” Leo stepped forward, clipboard in hand, and instructed Conner on where to sign.
“What is this for?” Conner asked.
“Your release from Juvie… just tying up some loose ends. If you die again before the age of twenty, you won’t be able to come back to Camp Fusion. So do me a favor and stay safe, kid, all right?”
Conner finished signing with a flourish, then stepped back a few steps, like he was scared Leo might change his mind.
But Leo just handed the paper to Riel, who turned to Conner. “You understand what you just signed?”
Conner nodded.
“I can’t hear your head shake. Please say the words.”