We all have secrets… I intend to reveal all of mine, just gradually.
What do you propose to do? Live with the lie? I can tell you from experience that it isn’t easy to do.
I myself have suffered great failures of which you know nothing.
Some might disapprove…
He’d been especially concerned that her parents would disapprove of him, and now she had to wonder exactly why. Because of his father? Or because he, Ethan, had been in a gang?
She’d heard that it was impossible to leave a gang once you were part of one. Could Ethan be hiding out in Jasper Gulch?
No, no, that made no sense. He wouldn’t be hiding under his own name. Besides, Ethan was a true pastor; anyone could tell that.
Still, it hurt to think that Ethan hadn’t told her about this, hadn’t explained. All the while he’d been pressing her to tell him her secrets, he’d been holding back his own.
That frightened her. The truth must be ugly, indeed, for Ethan to behave like this, and she couldn’t help feeling that she was owed the truth.
Perhaps it would make leaving him and Jasper Gulch easier, but it didn’t feel that way. Instead, she felt robbed, cheated. And not by Jackson Shaw.
*
Robin did not greet Ethan with a smile the next morning. He assumed that it had to do with her confrontation with the Shaws the afternoon before, so he wasted no time telling her about his conversation with Cord, Faith, Austin and Dale after the evening service. To his surprise, she seemed barely to listen, watching in silence as he laid out the foil-lined cardboard containers with their breakfast inside as he spoke. Afterward, she mentioned that her parents had called to try to convince her to come home to New Mexico for Christmas. His heart pounding, he asked if her plans had changed.
“That depends,” she said, staring at the scrambled eggs and ham he’d just uncovered.
“On what?” he asked carefully.
She looked up, spearing him with her round, blue gaze. “On what happened to Theresa Valens.”
Theresa. The bottom dropped out of Ethan’s stomach. So his past had finally come to call. He didn’t know why he was surprised. Strange, he hadn’t expected it to play out quite this way.
“Your parents had me investigated, I guess.”
“Does that matter?”
“I suppose not.”
“I need to know what happened to her, Ethan.”
“Of course you do. I’ve meant to tell you all along.”
“Tell me now.”
He sat down at the little table with her and waited, letting her lead. She didn’t hesitate.
“Who was Theresa?”
“My girlfriend.”
“I see.” Robin thought for a moment and asked, “How old were you?”
“Seventeen. She was sixteen. We were just kids and sure we were in love the way only kids can be.”
He could tell Robin was disturbed, but she sat silently and finally asked, “How…how was she killed?”
Swallowing, he pushed the words past a hard knot in his throat. “We went to the same school, had the same friends pretty much, except her brother was in a gang, and I wasn’t.”
“You weren’t in a gang?” Robin asked, her gaze sharp.
“No.” She seemed to relax a bit. He hated to tell her the rest. Nevertheless, he went on. “But my best friend was.”
“The same gang as her brother?”
A rather astute question. “No, and that was the problem. I tried to stay neutral.”
“Sounds dangerous,” she commented, frowning.
“You know what they say about teenagers,” he responded gruffly, “especially teenage males. They think they’re invincible. Bad stuff only happens to the other guy.”
“Except that isn’t true,” Robin pointed out.
“No,” he agreed. “That isn’t true. Oh, it worked for a while, but one night there was a fight, three against one. My buddy told me to stay out of it, but one of them had a knife. He went for my friend from behind. All I did was step up and lift my arms to block the attack, but that didn’t matter to the other gang. It didn’t even matter that I got cut.” He unbuttoned his cuff and rolled back his sleeve to show the long, jagged scar. “Or that my buddy was beat up real bad and put in the hospital. I had stood up to them, and that made me the enemy.”
“Oh, no,” Robin whispered, closing her eyes.
“After that, everything went crazy,” he recalled. “Theresa’s brother forbade her to see me again and put out a hit on me. Meanwhile, my friend’s guys were out looking for anybody connected with the beat down. The cops were talking about a gang war. I thought Theresa and I should just blow town and let them have at it. I actually thought I could take her to Ireland to my mom’s folks or something equally stupid like that.”
“What happened?”
“I had her meet me in what was supposed to be neutral territory. And within a minute she was dead on the curb beside me. They were gunning for me, but they got her.”
“Oh, Ethan, I’m so sorry.”
“She wasn’t the only one I got killed,” he gritted out. “Her brother and four other people died before the cops got a handle on the situation.”
“It wasn’t your fault!” Robin exclaimed.
“Wasn’t it? I thought I could walk the line, live in no man’s land, break all the rules. I was Johnny Jack Johnson’s boy, tough by association. A young fool!” he scoffed. “So six people died in a gang war.”
“All you did was love a girl and try to help a friend,” Robin argued.
“Yeah. Worked out really well for everybody, didn’t it? Oh, I know gang life means dying young. That’s why I tried to stay out of it. But if I’d stayed away from Theresa, she’d still be alive today.”
“You don’t know that. You just said that gang life means dying young. It sounds to me as though her brother was the one who put her in danger, and you, too.”
“You sound like Pastor Rick,” he said softly, almost smiling again.
“Who’s Pastor Rick?”
“Pastor Rick is the reason I’m here,” Ethan told her. “He got me off the streets and back into school. He’s the reason I got into church and pulled it together. He helped me find God. Because of him, I know what real love is. Together we got my buddy out of that life.”
“That’s wonderful!”
“Yeah, it is,” Ethan admitted.
After a moment, she asked, “Are you ever afraid that the gang will catch up with you?”
He shook his head. “No. There’s hardly anyone left. Those gangs were small, and they don’t exist anymore. Their members all left the life or died on the streets or in prison.”
She reached across the empty space between them and took his hand. “I’m glad you didn’t get involved in gang life, but I’m sorry for all you’ve been through.”
“What I’ve been through has made me who I am,” Ethan said. “The former pastor here wasn’t so sure how the congregation would react to the truth about my past, though, so he advised me to say nothing until I felt I was well established in Jasper Gulch. I’ve wanted to speak up, but with all this centennial craziness going on, it’s hard to know just how folks will react.”
“I see what you mean,” she told him. “I’ve been wondering if I’m ever going to know Jasper Gulch at normal. But, Ethan, no one can blame you for Theresa’s death.”
“Thank you for saying that,” he told her, beyond grateful for her reaction. “But I was as much to blame as anyone.”
“No. You were kids, little more than children.”
“Children playing grown-up games,” he pointed out.
“But look what you’ve done with your life since!”
He wanted to hug her for that. Her opinion was not, however, terribly realistic. “I wonder if your parents would agree with you about this.”
She opened her mouth to argue, but then she closed it again, averting her gaze.
“I didn’t think so,” he said softly, his h
eart aching.
“Maybe I don’t care if they approve or not,” Robin suddenly cried, lurching up from the table and whirling away.
Ethan’s heart turned over inside his chest, an oddly bittersweet happiness filling him. She wouldn’t say that if she didn’t care a great deal for him. Rising, he went to her and turned her into his arms.
“You must care what your parents think,” he told her gently. “God commands us to care. But He also promises to help us. Hear the Word of God from the book of Isaiah—‘Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ We have nothing to fear from the truth now, sweet Robin, nothing. You have laid your truth before the Shaws, and I have laid mine before you. After Christmas, I will lay mine before the church. The outcome belongs entirely to the Lord, but you should know that from this moment forward, I will be asking Him for you. Do you understand what I’m telling you?”
“Yes, Ethan,” she said calmly, sliding her arms about his neck. “I understand.”
He kissed her ear. “Good. Now eat your breakfast.”
Keeping his arm around her, he walked her to the table and seated her.
They’d said no words of love, made no promises and they had no guarantees. No one knew yet what Jackson Shaw would do, and Ethan wouldn’t, couldn’t, go against her parents. The church could very well dismiss him when they heard about his past. Still, he and Robin had made a commitment of sorts. They had shown each other their hearts, and he would beg God day and night for his heart’s desire in this matter until she was either his or the door was forever closed on the possibility.
Meanwhile, they had Christmas, Christmas in Montana. That in itself was something for which to be thankful.
*
He drove to Bozeman after breakfast, feeling that a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Nadine had requested that Ethan wear white ecclesiastical robes for the wedding ceremony, robes he did not possess. He had to borrow them from a pastor in Bozeman. At least, he told himself, his secrets were now all exposed, and Robin had borne them with more love and equanimity than he’d had any right to expect. He could only hope that the church would feel the same and that her parents would somehow reconcile themselves to a prospective son-in-law from the wrong side of the tracks, for he suddenly could not see his life without Robin anymore.
On pure impulse, Ethan decided to visit the jeweler recommended by Dale Massey before heading back home. It was more than impulse really, more like a driving urge that Ethan felt compelled to obey. He told himself that it was the height of foolishness, that he was just going to look, that no good could come from even window-shopping. Then, of course, he found the perfect ring, a ring that might have been made for Robin’s finger.
Ethan dithered for an hour, recounting for himself all the reasons why he would be reckless, indeed, to get his hopes up. Robin’s parents were not likely ever to approve of him. Regardless of what Jackson Shaw did, Ethan could very well find himself without a pastorate or any other living, not to mention a place to live. Another thing weighed on his mind: Robin wanted family above all else, and he was the last man able to give her that, considering that what family he had wouldn’t even speak to him. Still, that ring fairly shouted at him.
The jeweler was patient and helpful, though he admitted that praying over an engagement ring was a first for him. Nevertheless, he tolerated Ethan’s indecision with equanimity. In the end, Ethan simply could not leave without that ring. He decided that the purchase was an expression of hope, and he silently vowed to carry it on his person until such time as he could use it or was forced to return it.
He spent the remainder of the day in prayer, rising from his knees in his church office only at the last moment to prepare for the wedding rehearsal.
*
The details seemed endless. Robin spent the day with Olivia, preparing exhibits, stocking the gift shop, which would be staffed by volunteers yet to be trained, and going over plans for the grand opening. How they would manage to get everything done Robin couldn’t imagine, but she was grateful for the distraction. At least she didn’t have time to dwell on her fears, which had taken on new significance at breakfast.
Ethan had as good as declared that he loved her, but he wouldn’t marry her unless her parents approved, not that it mattered. She couldn’t possibly marry him so long as Jackson was a threat to him, and this new information about Ethan’s past would just give Jackson more ammunition with which to drive him away. Robin dared not let it come to that. Her only recourse now was to leave town before she got Ethan into trouble. She was prepared even to deny her great-grandmother’s claims, if necessary, and she’d make sure that Jackson knew it. Before she left, however, she would give Ethan what Jackson Shaw would deny her: family.
More determined than ever, she drove home after work, fell on her knees and emptied her heart to God. She asked for nothing for herself. Compared to Ethan, she’d had a fairy-tale existence. Perhaps her parents wouldn’t agree, but she knew Ethan, and he deserved every happiness that she could give him.
With that in mind, Robin dried her face and found the number that had the local exchange for Valinda. That was most likely the landline. Huffing out a breath, she dialed the number and waited. A no-nonsense voice came on the line after the first ring.
“This is Colleen.”
Filled with both euphoria and terror, Robin began to speak, the words tumbling out of her mouth with unaccustomed speed.
“Colleen, my name is Robin Frazier. You don’t know me, but I’m a friend of your brother’s, and I want to give you to him for Christmas. Please, just hear me out.”
It was tough going for a bit. Colleen did not seem receptive at first, but she didn’t hang up. Soon, Colleen was asking for details about her brother’s life. Before Robin knew it, an hour had passed, then two. By the time the call ended, Robin felt that God had answered at least one of her prayers that night, and she went to bed praising Him.
Chapter Fourteen
When the Shaws arrived that evening, Ethan stood awaiting them, quite resplendent, he thought, in shiny black patent-leather shoes, black slacks, white collar and shirt, full-length white robe and knee-length dark red stole embroidered with white doves.
Nadine pronounced him “Wonderful!” and went on to worry about the reception at the Shaw ranch that would follow the wedding. “I pray it doesn’t snow!”
“Everything will be fine, Mom,” Faith assured her. “If it snows, we’ll get out the sleighs. The neighbors have already said we can borrow from them.”
“That’s true, and what a pretty ride that would be from the house to the barn.”
As soon as everyone arrived, Ethan got them all into place and queued up the music. The Masseys were there en masse, including Dale’s mother, Ronna, as well as numerous townsfolk. Ethan couldn’t help noticing, however, that Jackson seemed unusually quiet, tense and haggard. So be it. Let the mayor stew in his own juices for a while. No one said a word about Robin, Lucy or Rusty Zidek, and Ethan was content to let the matter rest. This was Faith and Dale’s time. The focus should be on them.
He walked the wedding party through their traditional roles, making adjustments as they requested, until all knew their parts. Then it was time to make the trek out to the Shaw ranch for the rehearsal dinner. This, too, would be good practice, as it would tell them how much time it would take for a group to begin gathering at the ranch after the wedding. He noted that the caterer from Bozeman was on hand to time the event right down to the second.
They had an excellent barbecue-chicken buffet waiting for them at the Shaw house. Ethan managed a chat with one of Dale’s younger brothers, his best man. He watched Dale expertly referee a sarcastic duel between his divorced parents, and breathed a sigh of relief when Nadine swept Ronna off to the barn to look over the preparations for the reception.
A Shaw barn was undoubtedly nicer than the homes of many people, and situa
ted as this picturesque red behemoth was beside the beautiful blue bowl of a small lake, Ethan felt it would do nicely as the site of the wedding reception. The whole county would likely be in attendance, and Ethan had heard that the Shaws had rented furniture for the lofts so people could relax and talk in comfort. Still, a barn was a barn to some folks, and he wondered how Ronna Massey, being a wealthy New Yorker, would view the event. She hadn’t seemed to think much of their little country church.
Logs. How quaint.
She hadn’t seemed impressed with the town, either.
Jasper Gulch seems less a place than a name with pretensions.
Dale had smiled at Faith in apology more than once throughout the evening. Faith, for her part, didn’t seem to mind Ronna’s snootiness. As crazy as it seemed, Ethan understood that. He knew that he’d welcome Sheila Templeton Frazier’s snobbery, if only she and her husband would welcome him into their family.
His heart felt heavy inside his chest as he drove back to the parsonage later. The funny old house had always felt homey and cozy until he walked through the door that night. Suddenly, the place felt empty and hollow. He wanted to find Robin there waiting for him, wanted to see her curled up on the sofa in the living room, reading or watching TV, wanted her smile of welcome and acceptance.
He got himself ready for bed, carrying the little velvet-covered box everywhere he went. He sat down in the dark on the side of the bed, placed his cell phone and the ring in its box on the seat of the chair that served as bedside table and bowed his head. He began to pray, confessing his inadequacies as well as his dreams, begging for guidance, for surety, for signs. He asked God to bless Robin, to give her the joy and the family that she deserved. He prayed for her parents, that they would open their hearts fully to the man God chose for her, even if that was not him.
Love Inspired December 2014 - Box Set 1 of 2: A Rancher for ChristmasHer Montana ChristmasAn Amish Christmas JourneyYuletide Baby Page 17