“I know I’m early. I can come back later if you want me to.”
“Yes, Olivia,” Justin said. “That would be great.”
“No, it would not.” I looked up at Justin. “Justin, please. I don’t want to do this again.”
Something simmered in Justin’s eyes, I wasn’t quite sure what, maybe anger. He walked away without another word to me.
“Bye, coach,” Olivia said, as he glided past her.
“See you later, Olive.”
“You know he’s the only one allowed to call me that.” Olivia took a seat and started emptying her books onto the table. “He’s cute for a white boy. I think half the girls on the team have a crush on him.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. But at the same time I felt sad. That was Justin. He drew people to him, all types. I loved that about him. All of a sudden, I began to feel bad for the way I’d acted for the past two days. I was being a brat just because Justin didn’t want to date me. We’d been friends before, and just because he didn’t see me the way I saw him, I shut him out. What kind of friend did that? I vowed that at the end of the day I’d find Justin and tell him I was sorry, and that I was also okay with us just being friends.
“You know I’m pretty sure Coach Justin likes you.” I barely registered what Olivia said, I was so lost in my thoughts.
“What? Why do you say that?”
“He stares at you when you’re not looking, and he’s always asking about you, and telling us to make sure we treat you nice.”
“That’s just Justin being Justin.”
Olivia shook her head. “I don’t think so.”
I opened one of Olivia’s books. “Did you come here for tutoring or to talk about Justin?” The last thing I needed was someone getting my hopes up about something that wasn’t going to happen.
At the end of the day it was Justin who came to look for me. I was bent over trying to retrieve my bag and didn’t even hear him come in. It wasn’t until he spoke that I knew he was in the room with me.
“You’re not running out of here until we finish the conversation from this morning.”
I placed my bag down on the desk. “I’m actually glad you came back.”
Justin sat in an empty chair and pulled out the one next to him. “Can you sit beside me?”
I did as he asked. We both started to talk at the same time.
“You go first.”
“No, you,” he said.
“Fine.” I wasn’t sure where to start. “You have to realize I’m not really the type of girl who goes around asking guys out. In fact, you’re the first guy I ever asked to go on a date with me. So when you said no. . .”
“Wait a minute,” Justin jumped in. “I never said no.”
“Okay, so you didn’t come right out and say no, but you did say you just wanted to be friends.”
“You don’t get it at all.”
“Hey, you wanted me to go first, so let me finish saying what I want to say.”
“Fine.” Justin held his hands up in surrender. “Go ahead.”
“Anyway, like I was saying. I’m not really used to rejection, so I got upset. I figured you thought I wasn’t good enough for you.”
“What?” Justin shook his head and looked at me like he was confused.
“But then something Olivia said this morning made me realize something.”
“What did she say?”
“That you were cute for a white boy.” Justin looked even more confused. “It’s just that everyone likes you, all the kids you coach, crazy Don, Mrs. Connor. And it’s because you’re nice, and there aren’t enough nice people in this world. So if it’s okay with you I’d like it if we could at least still be friends like you said. I know Brooklyn’s a kind of long ride from where you live, but maybe we could meet somewhere halfway and hang out sometimes over the weekend. As friends. I promise I won’t ask you out again.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
Justin got up from his chair and started pacing nervously. “See, the thing is,” he finally said. “When you asked me out, I didn’t actually say no. I wouldn’t, because the truth is I’ve wanted to ask you out since the first day we met, but I just didn’t have the balls to do it.”
That wasn’t what I expected him to say. My heart started fluttering wildly in my chest, like a hummingbird’s wings, and for a second I wondered if I’d heard him right.
“And then you asked me out the other day in my office, and it was after you found out about my legs, and I was sure you were only asking because you knew how much I liked you, and you thought asking me out would make me feel better.”
“Oh my God, no. I wouldn’t do that.”
“That’s what Mrs. Connor said.”
“Wait. You told her?”
Justin stopped pacing and turned to look at me. “I kinda did. I’m sorry. But she knew something happened between us and she kept asking. Are you mad?”
“No, it’s fine.” I stood up and walked over to where Justin was and reached for one of his hands. For some reason he wouldn’t look me in the eyes. I lifted his chin and locked his gaze with mine. “Hey. What’s wrong?”
“Oh, Jess. I’m no good for you.” I took his other hand and held them both. Justin moved closer to me and his forehead came to rest on mine. I reached out and touched his cheek. He was standing so close that I could feel the heat from his body. Between that and the way my heart was beating away in my chest I felt dizzy, drunk. Before I knew what I was doing I reached behind the nape of his neck and pulled his lips towards mine. They were softer than I imagined they’d be. I felt like I was melting into him. Our lips parted and I tasted him. He ran his hands through my hair and I felt his body quiver ever so slightly. I pulled him closer and then all of a sudden he just stopped. His lips left mine, and he stared into my eyes.
“Please don’t do that again.”
That was the last thing I expected him to say. I stared at him in shocked silence. “You didn’t like kissing me?” I knew enough about men to know he had been really into that kiss, at least at first.
“No, no, no. That’s not it.”
“Then what?”
“I liked it too much,” Justin said. “So much that I want to do it again and again, but I can’t. You deserve someone whole.”
“Is this because of your legs?” I asked. “You’re turning me down because of that?”
“I’m not turning you down. At least that’s not the way I see it. I’m telling you that I’m not the right guy for you. I want to be, badly, but I’m not.”
“Shouldn’t that be my decision to make?” I didn’t get what Justin was telling me. It made no sense.
Justin leaned on the edge of the desk behind him. “All summer I’ve been working up the nerve to ask you out, but I just couldn’t do it. And then I got an infection in one of my legs and I couldn’t use my prosthetics and I was stuck at home and the whole time I was thinking about you, and then you showed up. That look on your face. . .”
“I told you, I was just surprised, that’s all.”
“Jess, even with the prosthetics I can’t do things that normal people can. I can’t jump into a pool on a moment’s notice or dangle my feet in a stream.”
“How many streams are there in New York City, Justin?”
“You’re not getting my point. Sometimes I’m still in pain. I don’t sleep well most nights unless I take medication. I have flashbacks, which means no war movies for me. My parents have to be careful about what they watch on TV when I’m around. I’m messed up, Jess. You deserve someone that can give you a perfect life, and I can’t do that.”
“It’s not like I’m asking for your hand in marriage. I just wanted to go to the movies and maybe dinner.”
“And then what? I’m not the kind of guy that starts something with a girl unless I think it’s going to go somewhere, and I don’t think you are either.”
“You’re overthinking this. We can start out slowly, see where things go.”
/> “And then one day you’ll decide that it’s too much. That you don’t want a guy with two missing legs and all the rest of my baggage.”
“Is that really the kind of person you think I am?” I waited for Justin to respond, but he didn’t. “I have a lot of baggage, too, you know.”
“A relationship with me wouldn’t be the same as one you would have with someone who isn’t handicapped the way I am. You’ll feel tied to me because of guilt. You won’t want to hurt me by telling me that it’s too much. You’ll stay with me because you feel like you have to. I’m not going to let you do that to yourself. You deserve better.”
“Wow. You’ve got this whole thing figured out, don’t you?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I’m just saying that you can’t know that it’s going to happen like that. Maybe you’re going to be the one who breaks my heart. Maybe you’re going to decide you don’t want to date a girl like me.”
Justin laughed. “I doubt there’s a man out there that wouldn’t want to date a girl like you.”
“You don’t.”
“Jess, you deserve someone better than me.”
“So what are you saying exactly because I feel like we’re going around in circles?”
“That if your offer of friendship is still on the table, I’ll take it.”
I bit down on my lower lip hard and fought back against the frustration I felt start to build. It was hard to be angry when I could tell how torn up Justin was. I wanted to argue with him, convince him that I didn’t care about his legs, but I could tell his mind was made up. He’d made things so impossible for me. Now that I knew he had feelings for me it would make being around him that much harder. I didn’t think I could do it.
“I don’t know,” I said, shaking my head. I picked up my bag from the desk and started to walk away. It felt like there were no more words left to say. Nothing made sense. Justin called my name, but I kept walking. The whole way home I tried making sense out of my conversation with Justin. He didn’t want to date me because he thought I deserved someone who didn’t come with the kind of baggage he had. But did that mean he never intended to get involved with anyone? I didn’t see how that was possible, was he just going to give up on the idea of falling in love one day? Or was it just me he couldn’t get close to? By the time I made it home I hadn’t come up with any answers that made sense, but I did have two text messages from Justin.
Please call me
I replied - Can’t, at a friend’s and its loud here
Talking to Justin was something I couldn’t bring myself to do at that moment. I just didn’t want to get back on the rollercoaster anymore.
Chapter 10
My brother arrived home an hour after I did, which was weird because he hardly ever came home on Friday nights, and when he did Mel was usually with him.
“What are you doing here?” I asked as he walked inside.
“Just came by to take a shower.” He headed in the direction of the bathroom and then stopped to turn around and ask, “Mel and I are going out for drinks. Wanna come?”
“Yes!”
My bother gave me an inquisitive look. He probably hadn’t expected such an animated response from me, but going out for drinks was the perfect distraction I needed to take my mind off Justin.
While my brother showered I went to look through my closet for something to wear. I chose a red silky top and a short denim skirt. Sexy, but not overly so. I was in the mood for some attention since Justin’s rejection had managed to tank my ego, but I didn’t want to spend the night swatting hands away from my ass.
The bar was in the city so we took the train to get there. We met Mel in front. It wasn’t a place I’d ever been to before and I crossed my fingers that no one would ID me. Usually I had no trouble getting into places. Luckily, my brother knew one of the bouncers in the front and he waved us through. The bar was crowded and the music was thumping. Mel, my brother and I were able to find a table. The music was loud so I shouted across the table.
“I’m going to get a drink, any of you want anything.”
“Don’t worry about us,” my brother said. “I was going to order some drinks in a few minutes, but you go ahead.”
I scooted out of my chair and found a seat around the bar. I sat there wondering what I was in the mood for when a drink was placed in front of me. The bartender pointed to some guy sitting a few feet away. He smiled and waved. In the dim lighting of the bar it was hard to see him well, but he looked kind of cute, not really my type, but still cute. I took a sip of the drink. Long Island iced tea. Which meant he was probably trying to get me drunk. That didn’t bother me, I knew how to handle myself. The guy who bought me the drink got up and walked over to me. He stuck his hand out and I shook it.
“My name’s Brian,” he shouted into my ear.
“I’m Jessica.”
“It’s nice to meet you. I saw you when you came in. For a second I thought that guy you were with was your boyfriend.”
“He’s my brother.”
“Oh, perfect.”
I sipped my drink while looking at Brian out of the corner of my eye. He kept sweeping back his hair from his forehead like he was nervous, which for some reason made me feel like laughing.
“You live around here?” he asked, leaning in again so that I could hear him. He smelled good. A lot of guys overdid it when it came to cologne, but his was just right.
“No. In Brooklyn.”
“Cool,” he said. “You want to get a table?”
“Ok.”
Brian took my hand and led me to an empty table. After I finished my drink he ordered another. I was already starting to feel tipsy, with Long Island iced teas it didn’t take many to get me there, but I didn’t care. Brian was keeping my mind off Justin and helping repair my broken ego. Maybe Justin wasn’t interested in me, but Brian definitely was. The drunker the two of us got, the more forward Brian became. First it was brushing my hair back over my shoulder. Then he moved closer to me and put his arm over my shoulder. Finally he moved in for a kiss. I kissed him back, but his lips weren’t soft like Justin’s. His kiss was rough and strange and didn’t make me feel even a fraction of what I had when I’d kissed Justin only a few hours before. Even in my drunken haze it felt wrong, like I was cheating on Justin, which was stupid because he wasn’t my boyfriend. He’d never be my boyfriend. The weight of my thoughts came crashing down on me, and I pulled away from Brian.
“I need to go find my brother.”
Brian looked surprised. “Oh, okay. You’re coming back though, right?”
“Yeah,” I said, even though it was a lie. I got up and made my way to the table where Mel and my brother were sitting.
“I’m going home,” I shouted to my brother.
“You sure? You and skater boy over there looked pretty cozy.”
I scowled at my brother. “Yeah, I’m sure. I’ll see you whenever.”
I made my way outside without Brian noticing and headed for the nearest train station. That was one thing I loved about New York. You could get anywhere at any time of the day. There was no need to worry about a designated driver. Riding the train home at practically midnight and half-drunk might’ve seemed crazy to some people, but I’d learned how to take care of myself. That’s what happened when your parents decided to dump you before you even started high school. Sink or swim, and I was one of the best swimmers I knew.
I hadn’t been able to drink enough to wash away the sting of Justin’s rejection. The words not good enough rang in my head as I rode the train home. Of course I wasn’t. I had never been good enough. If I had been, my life would’ve been so different. I wouldn’t have spent my teenage years sleeping with one eye open just in case some girl I’d managed to piss off in the group home made good on a threat to chop my hair off in my sleep. Nobody deserved to live like that, but I had, and instead of the alcohol making me forget, it was making me think about things I tried very hard to bury.
> When I got off at my stop and climbed the steps out of the train station I retrieved my phone from my purse and dialed Justin’s number. I was just drunk enough that my common sense didn’t stop me. He answered on the first ring.
“I was hoping you’d call.”
I laughed, and knew I sounded like a drunken fool.
“You okay?”
“Me? I’m more than okay.”
“Are you drunk?”
“Nooo,” I said, knowing that I wasn’t going to be able to fool him.
“Where are you right now?”
“On my way home.”
“With who?”
“With me.”
“Are you crazy? You’re walking home alone at night and you’re drunk?”
“First of all, I’m a big girl, and I can take care of myself.”
“But, your neighborhood.”
“Oh yeah, that’s right. It is kind of a ghetto,” I said mockingly.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I didn’t call you so you could act like my father. I had one of those already, and I’m not looking for another.”
“Then why did you call?”
“To tell you okay. If you want to be friends, then that’s what we’ll be. . .friends.”
“Jess. . .”
“Jessica, my name’s Jessica. That’s what my friends call me.” I hung up before Justin could get in another word. I felt like an idiot. Why the hell had I just called him? I usually was smarter than that, even after a few drinks.
Justin called back, but I didn’t answer. By the time I made it inside my apartment he’d called me three more times. When I didn’t answer, he texted.
Just text me when you get home, so I know you’re okay.
A part of me didn’t want to. I wanted him to worry. But the more reasonable side of me was starting to come back as the Long Island iced teas wore off.
I’m home, see you Monday.
I woke up with another wicked headache. That was the second time in a week I’d gotten drunk, and I felt kind of crummy about it. I also felt crummy about kissing a total stranger. After finally dragging myself out of bed and into the shower, I ate a piece of toast and headed to the laundromat where I spent most of the rest of the morning. With classes starting in another few weeks I’d need books, so I took a walk over to my university bookstore to find what I’d need for the fall semester. Between waking up late, spending my morning doing laundry and the forty minute one-way walk to the bookstore, by the time I got home later, most of Saturday was already gone.
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